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All this water and not a drop to drink.

February 17, 2011

You know how having a new crush is so exciting?

All the lil butterflies, and getting a little giddy when you know you’re going to see them… the anticipation and excitement (…and, if you’re me, the new material for, uh, fantasizing….)

New crushes aren’t always fun. Sometimes? They’re just a pain in the ass.


Look. As I may have mentioned (here and here) , I’m not looking for relationship. Not that I wouldn’t welcome a good thing if it plopped down in my lap (which it practically would have to do, given my world these days), but really? My life is full and I am happy. The only thing missing at this point? Really good sex. On a really regular basis. Like every day (I know The Naked Redhead hears me). That would be good. Naw… that would be great.

But. Given my life, I can ignore that sometimes. I kind of have to.

See, despite the fact that I’ve discussed my openness to NSA sex, I actually have pretty strict standards for those I allow into my bed. Yes, they happen to be generally physical in nature. And ok fine, maybe that makes me somewhat shallow, but I feel like I am allowed to be. And there is a very different set for a relationship beyond sex – but that’s for another time. The point is, my standards mean I don’t meet many people I want to fuck. I don’t online date (tried it, didn’t like it, and frankly don’t have the extra time), I don’t meet many people period – given my job (etc) and the fact that I usually go out with friends, often a large group of them, and not to meet anyone. And most in my neck o’ the woods don’t meet my standards anyway. So (don’t berate me for being shallow – it punishes me enough as is).

However. In the two weeks or so? Seem to be quite a few rather attractive individuals just, well, showing up. Well, aren’t you just a tall drink…and here I am so very thirsty…

However to that however. What do you mean you’re saltwater?

One is Adorable with Dimples but I don’t know him and see him even less. Poop.

One is married.

One is engaged (although we’ve recently discussed the fact that she’ll let me know the minute her fiance is ok with a threesome. And if she were single, we’d totally be doing it).

One thinks she likes girls, but really she’s just curious about girl sex. Totally fine with me. I love girl sex. Problem: She’s way too nervous to make the leap. We made out in a parking lot once and she couldn’t stop giggling. That was rather annoying.

And the last one? Well. That’s where the whole crush thing comes in.

Can people tell when you download their FB pics? I hope not.

My burlesque company often performs with a live band. Most recently, there’s a new one I didn’t really know as I’ve been MIA for a bit (the whole off-to-Europe thing).

Dear readers, I introduce T-Bone (…and then high-fived myself for that awesomely bad nickname).

Yep. A dude in a band. That’s like a bartender, right? Awesome.

Anyways. I’m just introducing him. There’s no real story to tell. Much as I wish there was. I can’t get a good read on him, and in my book? Translates to disinterest. Which is totally fine, there are a lot (I think I made this point earlier) of people in the world that I find unattractive. But. It’s just… not entirely a no… It’s more… unclear and mixed. Actually, I haven’t exactly had any good opportunities to assess this, really. Plus, one of our mutual friends is telling me he just may be wary and unsure of himself…

See, T-Bone is fresh from a divorce (oh joy). His ex apparently cheated on him (but they’re still friends…?) And. He was not always as cute as he is now. Apparently he’s lost a lot of weight recently.

These are details our mutual friend is feeding me because she thinks I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him. Of course, I am happy to listen to her. Because I want to get laid. By T-Bone. A lot (which quantifies the frequency of the laying).

You know what I’d like to do? Just send him an e-mail that says “Hey, you’re cute. Wanna do me?” OK, maybe not that, exactly. But I wish it were ok for me to contact him and tell him that I’m interested – but not in anything serious, so no pressure. Just some sex, really.

But. That’s not how this works, is it? I can’t just do that. Sure, there are occasions where it is. But. Sometimes? People would rather you play by the Rules – because the Rules they understand. Other times, it’s just intimidating. Or they just don’t plain believe you. Who trusts something that simple? No one. Clearly, by being clear, you’re really looking for something you say you’re not. Did I mention I just go divorced? I really don’t want a relationship right now. And yes, “a relationship” was what I translated your contact to mean – I didn’t pay attention to what you actually said about just wanting some do-ing.

But of course his current situation may very well be the reason T-Bone is completely off limits. I.e. “No, you can’t have sex with him – hello every word you ever said about people taking time off after relationships to be alone and process, now that is negotiable because you want to do them? Yeah, no”.

Which means, despite wanting to get laid a lot by this attractive Band Member (ha ha double meaning!), I should probably avoid him, regardless of his interest. And maybe he’s incapable of interest – maybe he’s hung up on the ex (e.g. why are they still acting like they’re friends if she was awful?).

End result with T-bone? I should probably just Charge him to the Game.

…buuuuuuut… who cares about the ex or the divorce – it’s just sex… Shut up, Vagina Brain, you’re not helping things… Gawd I just hate it when rational thought interrupts me being purely selfish.

Augh. And thus – crushes can be irritating.

What do you think, dear Reader? Should I Charge him? Or is my VB right in telling me a physical relationship with him is just fine?

And, if so, is it ok to just contact someone like this? Would you be ok with it, if someone contacted you?

… stay tuned…

37 Comments leave one →
  1. February 17, 2011 9:16 am

    Damn girl. You’re over thinking it. There is no harm in you and your VB asking. It he says it’s all good. If he says no you’ve lost nothing.

    • February 17, 2011 9:33 am

      Ha – I know. My problem is I like my cake and eat it RIGHT NOW so I tend to overprocess in lieu of action. Ya know?

      I agree there’s no harm in asking… But I do think there’s a significant point in him being too soon from a tough breakup. Not because I’m worried about getting hurt, but because I’ve always condoned taking some space to deal with your baggage. I wouldn’t want to interrupt that process. I know that seems like too much thought for me to put in on someone else’s behalf but… meh. That’s how I roll… I guess!

      PS Thanks for the twitter pic! Perfect!

  2. February 17, 2011 9:18 am

    The way I see it, man brain and all, is that your relationship with T-Bone. Did I mention that I play trombone also. This is a slippery slippery slope, if you have any kind of professional relationship with him then the just sex thing is really really out.

    • February 17, 2011 9:55 am

      You make a good point: It’s important to be careful of relationships in the workplace. They can absolutely cause some significant problems.

      That being said. In this case, there’s really no professional relationship. I don’t need to even speak with the band if it were to come to that. The logistics of it all are dealt with by others.

      Further, I’m not that kinda gal. I can actually play nice, despite what happens. Of course, I can’t speak for him… BUT I do think we’re getting a lil ahead of ourselves….

      You play trombone? Wellllllllllllll…..

  3. February 17, 2011 12:44 pm

    Does he really play trombone? You know what they say about tromBONE players.

    I feel like a dork now for typing that.

    • February 17, 2011 2:06 pm

      No we don’t know what THEY say about trombone players and I am one. Do tell!

      • February 17, 2011 4:17 pm

        …psst….Bob… I think she was making a joke about “bone”…. but if not, I’d like to know myself…

    • February 17, 2011 4:17 pm

      Ha ha! Hey – I named him T-bone so…

      (maybe it’s the iCarley or whatever that is?)

      • February 21, 2011 4:45 pm

        Yeah, it was a joke about “bone.”

        I like the nickname “T-bone.” I hope my iCarly post didn’t kill off any brain cells. I may never forgive myself.

  4. February 17, 2011 1:58 pm

    Go for it. Just ask him. Maybe not as bluntly as “wanna do it?”… 🙂 Unless he is thick as a brick he should figure out pretty soon that you fancy him and then just ask him “wanna have frivolous, amazing, out-of-this-world sex?” Uhh Ok that is pretty blunt. Anyhow… all he can say is no and then that’s that.

    As you are not looking for “forever after” with him, let him decide if it is too early after his breakup.
    Keep us posted about T-Bone (good name!). 🙂

    • February 17, 2011 4:19 pm

      If I had any clear signals on his part, I would definitely just go for it. I’ve never had a problem with it before. And I agree that he should be able to make those kind of decisions, not me…

      I think I’d like to hang out with him once more to get a better idea on this… I will keep you posted…

  5. February 17, 2011 4:38 pm

    DAMN girl – the V-Brain is tricky. It says JUST DO IT!
    But then our actual intelligent BRAIN says: Wait, I don’t want to feel like like a slutty slut, I want to be pure and innocent and I could live without the sex.

    Really, I say just go with the flow and satisfy your needs. Be subtle, hint at T-Bone (Ha, looove this name) and see what happens. I know it’s kind of mixing personal / professional, and be prepared to have people know what happened between the two of you (if he’s immature and cocky).

    My head is so cloudy after reading your post, after posting mine … it’s always so darn complicated.

    • February 18, 2011 2:52 pm

      Ummmm… actually my Rational Brain is perfectly fine with being a Slutty McSlut. We like being “slutty” – means we’re havin’ some sex. But. Maybe he’s not ready for the sex. Therefore, maybe we shouldn’t be so selfish. Overthinking and making decisions for other people? Perhaps.

      I am working carefully on this…… not to say there’s been any developments but… we’ll see.

      • February 18, 2011 11:33 pm

        Simmarah, you are so lovely you should just go with it…The V-Brain is always right. At the least it is always going to be more right than this prude fake vag brain that is the default because of our bullshit culture…
        “Slut” doesn’t exist…
        People are so against the word “fag” in pop culture but the word “slut” is so much more offensive…for no reason other than….nothing.

      • February 21, 2011 8:51 am

        While I have to argue VB is not ALWAYS right, I do tend to follow her more than most and I definitely agree with you, Nate: She’s more right than a lot of people give her credit for, and it IS Culture’s fault.

        Both “fag” and “slut” are offensive, given the way they’re used. You’re right on for making that point – we rarely take a close look at “slut.”

  6. February 17, 2011 6:28 pm

    I don’t really get the strict standards thing. From my experience how good the sex is vs the physical attractiveness of the person is random if not a bit negatively correlated. That would seem to only make sense as a way to qualify an open sexuality to people who are not as opposed to a strategy to get more and better sex.

    “Recently divorced guy who was cheated on and lost alot of weight, lacks self confidence to make move on burlesque dancer.”
    Come on vagina brain, take control of the ship.
    He has probably already jerked off thinking about you and all the other women in this show.
    Nothing helps a guys broken heart like fucking a new woman.
    I don’t get the no online thing either…That is like saying no to a lifetime supply of Brita water filters.

    • February 18, 2011 3:02 pm

      HA HA! Yes, all the ladies may have already made it into his personal sexcapades with himself. I, personally, hope so.

      Additional intel is putting him at “I think I’m not over my ex”. Rational Brain says “ok that’s allowed”. Vagina Brain says “so what? It’s just sex!”

  7. February 17, 2011 11:27 pm

    Contact him! What’s it going to hurt? The worst he’ll say is no (which I highly doubt since you’re hotter than the inside of Mt. St Helens). We only live once.

    And, yeah, I hear you on the not finding a whole lot of dudes to lay up with. The attraction and chemistry thing is HUGE and I simply won’t go there without it.

    So let’s see, that kind of leaves us with about a thread’s worth of choices that seem to get smaller and more hopeless the hornier we get. But you got a prospective dude and you should hit him up. You’ll never be able to live with yourself if you don’t. 😉

    • February 21, 2011 8:54 am

      Ha – yeah have to agree! But… I think I’ll take it a lil slow this time… feel him out a bit better… we’ll see…

      Did manage to “scratch the itch” this weekend with a boy I met on Friday. Super cute and sweet – but also waaayyyyy too young (what is UP with me??) at 23, and we have nothing in common. Aside from the sex thing. Oh well. It was fun!

  8. February 18, 2011 9:53 am

    Yap you are definetly overthinking this. Yoou remind me at myself!! =)
    I say go with your instincts/gut, or the flow wich ever hahaha.

    After overthinking everything i always end up jumping in the pool…
    you should to.

    So go for it!!

    • February 21, 2011 8:55 am

      “After overthinking everythign I always end up jumping in the pool” <— yep, we may be cut from the same cloth. 😀

  9. February 18, 2011 11:41 pm

    I would take you to school Mars..

  10. February 19, 2011 5:25 pm

    I get high off those new-crush vibes too! So exciting – everything is a mystery and you don’t know what is going to come of your interactions. Of course, that when the stupid dreamer in me usually kicks in – right when it shouldn’t.

    Maybe foster some flirtation with him to feel him out. I don’t think you are imposing on his “getting over his ex” time, in fact perhaps a new lay in his life will be good for him. Who in his right mind stays friends with an ex who cheated on him anyway? That’s a sad scenario and he needs a push in the right direction.

    Fresh meat is perfect for throwing into a hot flame. Bone T-bone.

    p.s. i completely love that you hiijacked his fb pic. too funny.

    • February 21, 2011 8:57 am

      Yep – I need a new venue in which to better assess this situation… Although, new information is making me think he just has a bag over his head with the words “I JUST GOT DIVORCED” written on it… and yet, the whole “BUT YOU’RE STILL FRIENDS WITH HER” part makes me think he really does need that push. For serious.

      “Bone T-bone” = amazing.

      And yes, I did hijack his FB pic. I think it’s an awesome shot period, no matter who is in it.

      • February 22, 2011 8:35 am

        I agree, he needs that push so go make him push =)

        And he might still be emotional about his ex so that’s why he’s still friends with her. But she, the cheater, has no excuse she should know keeping him around isn’t doing him any good. shame on her!

        Good luck with the pushing thing 😉

  11. February 21, 2011 2:53 pm

    Which burlesque company are you in?

    I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other on the circuit.

    • February 23, 2011 9:22 am

      I don’t think I’d be able to approach you, Denny. Your ‘stash alone would be far too intimidating. I think I’d just pine for you longingly… Hoping to catch a glimpse of your silky locks, as you’d clearly be obscured by the crowd of adoring groupies…

  12. February 22, 2011 12:35 am

    My, what a big trombone he has.

  13. February 24, 2011 10:52 am

    A bit late on this post but my thoughts are that the very point, the APPEAL, of NSA sex is that you get to forgo all this analysis and worry about his emotional readiness. Ethics are one thing (if he was still married) but you don’t have an issue like that here. In fact, maybe NSA sex is EXACTLY what a rebounding divorcee is ready to start out with. You know? Point is, you don’t have to care about that. Only to be kind, courteous, and crystal clear about your intentions (or lack thereof). GREEN LIGHT!

    • February 26, 2011 2:58 pm

      Yes! Green light!

      You’re absolutely correct – this shouldn’t be about overanalyzation, only clear communication and honest. The whole point is it being simple!

      Well… so far so good… an update is coming soon…

      Thanks for reading! I love your blog!

  14. February 24, 2011 12:21 pm

    um, he looks fricken HAWT. from over here anyway. that pic doesn’t help with it being all dark and smoldering and he’s all playing and instrument and what not.

    you better hook up with him!!!!!!!!!! for the sake of living vicariously!

    • February 26, 2011 2:59 pm

      You got it, o Engaged One.

      “Excuse me, Mr. Band Man. I have people who need to live vicariously through my exploits. Please remove your pants.”



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