Update: T-Bone and his Questionable Cojones.
*sigh.*
I suppose about now I should post some kind of update on T-Bone. Well. I had other things that were more important (e.g. this), but also? I didn’t really have all that much to report.
Wish I did, kids. Wish I did.
Basically? Aside from my life beginning to resemble high school and T-Bone making it clear he has no game/needs to grow a pair? Not much has transpired.
SO. First? Well, cue two weeks of other people occasionally discussing this via g-chat. I don’t have g-chat, so I wasn’t part of the conversation. Hence the my life is starting to resemble high school thing. Buuuuut… end result seemed to be a green light/lots of discussion about my [alleged] hotness, so I wasn’t complaining too far beyond the eye roll.
Whatever. Since then, I’ve seen him out twice. Once was to see his band play after he mentioned the show to me two days before. He’s still cute but… mildly socially awkward with little to no game. Which is not that surprising when you were married for ten years and you’re not yet 30 (no shit kids – found this out too). However, there has been some interesting conversation, while mildly awkward (although not sure if it’s his awkwardness or just the normal hey-this-is-the-awkward-conversation-that-happens-with-people-you-want-to-talk-to-but-don’t-know-very-well), seemed to include a good vibe between us.
In my opinion? Green light confirmed.
After his show Saturday, I stayed long enough that it was pretty damn clear why I was there. And… he cock-blocked himself. By attaching himself to his brother. I have no better way to describe it. Yes, that may seem like a good indicator that he’s not interested, but he still acted like he was. His brother was just there, so no funny business. He insisted on hugging me before I left.
He doesn’t hug.
Regardless. At this point, I was pretty much ready to just lay my cards on the table and be done with it. No one, not him or any of his bandmates, was in the dark on how I felt about the situation, so I had nothing to lose.
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To: T-Bone
Sent: Sunday, March 6 at 6:20pm
Hey [T-Bone],
[my real name goes here]
From: T-Bone
To: Me
Sent: Monday, March 7 at 9:54am
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First of all. Why is it so difficult for people to use the shift key these days? Is it really that taxing?
Second. Feelings? What feelings? I think you’re cute and wanna know how your dick works. I know that’s probably you trying to be wordy/actually being awkward, but still… feelings?
Third. Why is it so effing difficult for people to believe a woman when she says she’s not looking for a relationship?
Finally. Let’s look at this from a general perspective. Yes, us ladies can be overanalytical. Yes, we pick apart every lil thing you say to us. Do we need to cut this the fuck out and stop looking for the answers we want while ignoring the ones right in front of us? Abso-friggin’-lutely.
However. Fellas? And any one else who wants to write an e-mail like this one? There may actually BE a reason we overanalyze your shit. Why?
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT IT IS YOU’RE SAYING.
Maybe if you actually came out and said what you were thinking/answered the question directly (e.g. were actually blunt), we wouldn’t overanalyze. We wouldn’thave to try and figure out what the fuck you mean. If you already know we can nit-pick the crap out of things, why do leave the door open for it in the first place? For the love!
I mean… my initial reaction to this is the following…
…or are you blowing me off? Cuz it sounds like that, too… or not…
Why do some people insist on the random 180 in the middle of whatever it is they’re saying? Why ruin a perfectly fine Blow Off? Is it to make you feel better about it? Is it because you think you’re letting us down easier? Because, newsflash kids, it doesn’t do either. It just annoys us and makes us wonder what the fuck does that mean?
Look. I know you don’t want to feel like an ass, but we’d really prefer a straight goddamn answer. Providing that doesn’t make you an asshole, so stop pussy-footing around and grow a pair. Do us all a favor and actually be blunt.
Because, to me, without that? It’s a “thanks but no thanks” answer. With some lame-ass shit thrown in so you feel better about it.
I think. I’m not entirely sure.
This whole cycle of responding to a direct question with bullcrap that is everything but blunt actually, and the receiver of said e-mail spending time deciphering what it all means, ends here. YES women can overanalyze – but you know what? When you start providing straight answers that don’t invite alternative translations, we’ll stop hunting for the answers we want in what it is you’re trying to tell us.
Further, T-Bone, let me school you on what being blunt actually means.
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To: T-Bone
Sent: Monday, March 7 at 5:59pm
Totally hear you on the money/time thing (divorce on your end, 7 weeks in Europe last fall on mine – I win). When I said “hang out”, I meant that literally: I prefer to include my friends in what spare time I have, so meeting up at bars (etc) is pretty much what I was thinking, as well.
That being said, I much prefer blunt and honest over any alternative, so I’ll be straightforward, too. I am not looking to date right now. Like yours, my life is full and all I’m interested in is having a good time and having some sex. That’s pretty much it. However, I don’t think we’re on the same page here – which is totally ok. Staying on the friends side of things works just fine (seriously – e-mail is about the worst form of communication, so please don’t read more into this – it really is cool with me).
SO yeah – I am sure I will see you around, and we can catch up then.
Take care,
[Nikki]
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Do you know how badly I wanted to put quotation marks around “catch up”? I mean, really? Catch up on what?
For more on this clearly touchy subject:
Women Are From Mars 
Honestly, he sounds quite insecure and the vagueness is probabaly down to him being unsure how to say no or yes (or whatever) trying to sound nice and not sounding like a douche – which ironically means he is not succeeding very well.
I bet he has never had a direct encounter with a women, like this, previously. Brother as chaperone?? It is like he is assuming all women want big dinner dates etc before even going near the bed… I do not know. Just my interpretation on it.
And that’s my point – I said “hey I am interested in you so let’s hang out” and he responded with something that actually invites multiple interpretations – on whether or not he’s interested. Which is beyond lame.
Ok. I think this is the first time in my life I’m on the guy’s side. Give the poor guy a brake, he’s been trough a brake-up and even if you don’t believe me (they’re extremly sensitive after that specialy if he was the dumped one). I know we think guys are ready for hot sex anytime cause let’s face it they’re guys ok haha buuuuuuuut i’m afraid in this case the poor dumped thing is not. In my personal opinion he kinda likes you but he might not be ready for action yet.
He’s still vulnerable and you wouldn’t want him around in that state. Let him get over his shit and theeeeeen you’ll get some if you’re still interested by the time that happends.
Did what i just said make any sense? Or am I just comparing it to a very similar situation that happend just across the ocean…hmmm now I’m confused.
Ps: a guy who sticks with his brother when he has a hot women in front of him and doesn’t do anything¿¿¿??? Come on!! What does that tell you??
Hey Charlotte!
Yeah ~ I agree with you that’s he’s probably vulnerable. I don’t know who initiated the divorce, but she cheated on him so… however – they’re still friends. Which is weird.
Actually, the points you’re making are why I almost sent a completely different e-mail. They’re also why I feel like telling him “hey, if you change your mind, you have my number.” But you know what? I am not interested in making excuses for someone else. He is a Grown Ass Man. He can learn to say what it is he wants – even if that is “I’m not sure what I want.”
We complain all the time about people not being honest or straightforward. About not being entirely sure how to interpret what they say, when they pull this vague bullshit. I’m so over that process – it’s not worth it to me. I may be more patient if I was interested in actually dating him, but like you said, he’s SO not in a place to be starting a new relationship. I was just happy to be his buck fuddy-rebound chick. And this is sounds like too much work, as well as time – which I don’t have a lot of. Maybe that makes me insensitive, but that’s how I roll.
Of course, there’s always the idea that most people don’t see women as being ok with that role. Well, I’m not interested in explaining that, either. Take me at my word, and I’ll do the same for you. Thanks.
Ok you are right. It’s like he’s keeping you on the hook just in case he changes his mind. That’s not cool. The guy doesn’t know you, doesn’t know how ok you would be just beeing his rebound click girl as you said.
Im just saying a guy who has been in a 10 years relationship doesn’t quite know the rules. That’s no excuse for not beeing honest with you. Some guys just suck.
i hope i didn’t piss you off with my other comment, i was just trying to see the situation from the guys angle.
I don’t necessarily think he’s keeping me around, really, I just think he’s being a pansy about coming out and saying what he wants. Yeah – I agree that there are clear reasons *why* he’s not doing that, but honestly I don’t care. He should man up.
No way did you piss me off! 😀 I always like feedback from different perspectives… and I totally got what you were saying… and I agree, but it’s not enough… you know?
Hey yuh Niks. 😉
Sounds like dude’s a bit confused. And he may very well potentially have feelings for you. What he said sounds true. He doesn’t want to get involved right now because he sees himself getting in over his head (you player seductress you).
I know it sucks that you wanted to hit it, and I know you don’t really fancy anyone else right now but obviously he’s not looking for a physical relationship with you because he likes you. He did the cock blocking bro thing so that he could protect himself from being alone with you and allowing something more to happen.
Did he respond to your last email? I’m dying to hear what he has to say.
You know, I had this same response from a GF of mine – she thought I had it totally wrong and he actually wanted to take things slowly because maybe he did *like* me (omg we are SO headed back to, like, high school).
No response yet and I am not counting on one. See, the thing is, we can interpret what he said all we want, but he still has the power to tell me “no, wait, you got it a lil wrong…” but I don’t think he will. Sure, maybe part of that is I was *too* forward… and that’s intimidating… But… honestly? He needs to sack up if he wants me to take him seriously.
Yeah, you’re probably not going to hear from him. And yes, I’m thinking he was very intimidated. A lot of guys aren’t sure how to handle a straight forward woman, especially sexually. People in general have a hard enough time dealing with blunt people on a day to day basis. 😀
It sucks though and I feel you. It’s like a bad joke when we meet someone we’re attracted to and when we can’t have them, it blows extra hard.
“Sack up” <=== I EFFING LOVE IT! ROTF
I’m with Ivy. I think he’s never had this type of encounter before, and now he’s fudging it up because he doesn’t really know what to make of you. I mean, it sounds like he got married as soon as he hit puberty.
I bet he’s thinking: “She just wants sex? Is this a trick? Am I about to be Punked?”
I know… I agree with you that, yeah, he could be completely unsure of himself from the word go, and now totally intimidated because *ahem* that’s what “being blunt” looks like.
He could also think “omg! a trap!” because, you know, women don’t really want just sex. They want r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p-s. They just pretend.
In all honesty… not sure I care. And I’m not all that interested in making up excuses for him, when he can use his words and tell me them himself. Further – he could be saying “thanks no thanks” anyway. Both are interpretations that can be backed up – I just don’t think it should be up to me to make that choice we can, again, use his words.
“Use his words”—This is funny because isn’t that what moms tell their kids? “Use your words!”
Lame excuse, for sure. I agree that the vagueness was ridiculous, and while I can see the money thing being an issue, as is being freshly divorced, but I also think there may be something else behind it, and he’s just hiding behind that. Maybe he’s afraid of an FBW thing…maybe he WANTS a relationship?! Just tossing it out there.
See? Not sure. I mean… the points he makes are totally fine and completely legit it’s just… are they things I need to be aware of if we’re going to “hang out” or… are you just throwing those out there but really what you’re saying is… let’s be friends?
I just don’t see why I need to interpret this. Why not just say it?
Well being the lone male in this sea of estrogen let me be the voice of reason here.
While, Darling Nikki, I am sure you are used to dealing with guys who are more up front and aggressive in searching out a piece of tail this guy obviously is a nice guy who is a little shell shocked. Having just come out of a relationship that left him on questionable financial footing and undoubtedly feeling unsure of his place in the world.
From this poor guys point of view you must be throwing yourself at him. Believe it or not some guys, rare though they are, still equate love with sex. He is perhaps one of those.
Obviously he’s been through the ringer being cheated on by his soon to be ex-wife, being married at a very young age and undoubtedly henpecked to a certain degree.
Now you come along full of bluster and intent wanting in his pants, WHOA Nelly. When you don’t get the reaction you want you go off and start calling this guy ball-less. Not the reaction he needs or particularly wants right now I would imagine.
I get that you expect a reaction from the guy but just lay off him, he knows you’re interested so leave it at that. Go out for a beer or two and clink glasses, this guy obviously needs time.
This is normally a speech that I would be giving a dude for Gawd sakes. Give the guy your ear and treat him with kid gloves for a bit. If he does warm up to you he really could be a keeper for the long haul.
Hi Bob! Thanks for adding a male two cents! 😀
Honestly? I don’t really want this to be work for me. I’m also not really looking for new friends. I have a one-track mind, and one-track minds are selfish and just need a yes or no answer. Absolutely. Therefore… yes or no?
Again – if I was interested in actually initiating a relationship, and thought for even a second he was in a place to start one, then I would chill out and just let it happen organically and slowly. Your advice would be right effing on.
But I’m not interested in that. I want something simple and straightforward, and if he’s not the guy for that – because he’s not prepared for it/not ready/not interested – then that’s ok but I’d like to know now… not after weeks of adjusting my busy schedule to accommodate meeting up with him. I know that is coming on really strong, but honestly all it is is a yes or no answer to what I want… and either answer is ok. I think he is a good guy, and he’s in a bad place for this kind of thing. That’s totally cool.
When I start questioning whether or not he has a pair, is when he can’t just say “hey, know you’re interested, I’m not sure what I want, I’m in a weird place, can we just hang out and see what happens?” In all honestly, that’s not what I heard. To me, his e-mail said “I know you’re interested, here are some reasons why I haven’t been reciprocating that… but don’t walk away… it would be ok to see you on occasion”… but as what? As his friend? As something else? That part isn’t clear – and that’s what’s annoying/a cop-out.
I really want a dude who can say what he thinks, instead of the vague crap that, as is made clear by the comments here, is very open to interpretation. I think a lot of Boys pull this wishy-washy shit, and then expect us to figure it out, when they honestly have no excuse for not being more direct.
Well then I guess I am at a loss, I spose I could Fed-Ex my awesomeness down for a weekend, but then you and Dar would have to get into a death match.
Two chicks enter, one babe leaves. DROOOOLLL. Sorry man brain, and to think that you actually value my opinion here? Go figure!
Please Fed-Ex some awesomeness to T-Bone asap. If we could do that, I’m sure all would be well. 😉
That said – I am a-ok on the death match thing! I am all for Man Brain, but I’ll avoid taking on Dar! But yeah – Man Brain or not – I do value your thoughts as always!
“First of all. Why is it so difficult for people to use the shift key these days? Is it really that taxing?” – THANK GOODNESS I’m not the only one!!!!!
And secondly, I pretty much agree with all the other comments. The dude sounds scared, vunerable, confused and probably has “lost himself” through the seperation. I’m thinking he isn’t sure of his feelings, or what to make of you since you are a strong, straight forward woman. He’s acting like a deer in the headlights right now.
I liked Bob’s comment 🙂 I need more of Bob as the voice of (male) reason in my life!!!!
I shall make a concerted effort to venture over to your blog more often and add my unique world view to your collective.
Hey look! I can use the shift key too!! Hooray for pinkie fingers that work!!!
pinkie fingers that work? no way!
Simmarah – I agree that he’s a lil “deer in headlights” and I am just not the woman to wait around while he remembers himself. I agree he is all of those things… but he still can sack up and say what he’s thinking.
And why is it so hard for men to sack up these days? I would LOVE to know…
I so feel you here – especially the fact that people often feel women always want a relationship even if they say they don’t. One time I was messing around with a guy and he stopped to tell me he didn’t want a girlfriend right now. I said that was totally fine with me. Then we kept messing around. Then he stopped me again to tell me that he really wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. I was so annoyed. I mean I heard him the first time, I got it really. And I know, trust me, I know that some women don’t get it (and some men don’t either) but really, some of us do. I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him either. I just thought we were making out.
I would say he’s definitely not used to people suggesting the whole friends with benefits things. Honestly, I wonder if that even crossed his mind.
Awesome post.
I think this is a big part of it: The “not getting it”. The “this must be a trap! I bet she really wants to hang out with me all the time! And date me! And by my GF!” instead of PAYING ATTENTION. And then, of course, when you make it all clear n stuff – then that’s just scary. No one can handle a woman who is honest about her shit.
And, yeah, it’s probably too soon for even the FWB thing but… the whole point of FWB is that’s simple and easy. If he’s going to take weeks to figure it out, during which time I need to show up somewhere so we can “catch up” on a regular basis (excuse me, sir, but my time/money are valuable too), than that kind of defeats the purpose.
Wow, I just randomly stumbled upon this blog and am SO glad I did. Just wanted to let you know that I laughed out loud several times, related entirely too much, and have declared this my favorite thing of the day.
I will be checking back to see how he responds!
Hey, thanks Nicole – and welcome! I am glad you enjoyed it and I made you laugh! Being your fav thing made my day!
Yes – check back! He did respond….
Why is it so effing difficult for people to believe a woman when she says she’s not looking for a relationship?
Who said he didn’t believe you? Not him. He just wasn’t interested in what you had to offer. Now you’re berating him, which just doesn’t seem fair. This isn’t about his lack of balls. He told you he wasn’t interested, for whatever reason. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to you, maybe he’s just not in the right head space for any semblance of an arrangement with another woman. Whatever. Should he have replied and said “Hey Nikki, thanks, but I’m not interested?” If he had just said that and nothing else would you really have been satisfied? I’m guessing no. I think you’re projecting a ton of shit on him and way, way, WAY overanalyzing what he said. I also think you were incredibly passive aggressive. This guy admitted something that’s tough for anybody to admit – being broke and emotionally vulnerable – and you pretty much dumped on him and told him he was reading too much in to what you said, when really you were the one reading to much in to what he said.
I made the assumption he didn’t believe me on the “relationship” thing because he talked about money/time – which I equated to dating. If that was an incorrect assumption, my bad. And no, we shouldn’t assume, really. But… that’s part of the point. Vague statements lead to assumptions…
I don’t mean to berate him, necessarily – and if I’m too hard on him, that’s really directed at the entire group of people (not just dudes) who can write very vague crap, or contradict themselves, and expect someone else to do the work of figuring out what they had to say. So, yes, in this post? I may be projecting things on this entire circumstance. BUT in my response to him? I don’t think I projected at all.
Yes – he should have replied and said “Hey – picked up on your vibe, I’d actually just like to be friends. That ok?” or something along those lines. Or “Hey – in a weird place, not sure what I want. Check back later.” Or really anything that is more clear. And YES I would have been very satisfied. Absolutely!
I know there are plenty of women out there who only want one answer – and that they overanalyze in an attempt to get that. I *don’t* think I did that here. In fact, I don’t think I analyzed at all. I think I said “I don’t know really what you’re saying you want, and I’m not going to try – so I am just going to straight up tell you what I want and you can take it from there.” Which is also, in my view, isn’t passive-aggressive, either.
I don’t think I told him he read too much into what I said – I agreed with him, and told him what *I* was looking for – leaving the ball (wow there’s that word again) squarely in his court.
Look, I understand sacking up and telling it straight is tough to do. That’s why I say it takes balls. Maybe I should be more sensitive to this being construed as an attack on his manhood. But – I’d say the same thing about a chick who can’t own her shit. We all need to have the cojones to say it straight – and be ok with the answers we receive.
I haven’t read the other comments nor have I read the previous entries regarding your interaction with T-Bone so please forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said, but as a dude who has been on both sides of this kind of equation I must submit that you might not be expressing yourself as clearly as you think. Were I in his position and had I read your email asking to “hang out” I wouldn’t automatically interpret that as meaning sex or a hookup. Why you ask? Well past experience with women has taught me that “hang out” could mean anything. Plus, were I the one composing said message I would have used language that could only be interpreted one way.
In other words, if a casual hookup was what you were looking for then the second message you sent should have been the first.
Oh, Sam. Yeah… thanks for calling me on my shit.
You’re right – I could have been more direct in the beginning. In my defense, I think I 1) decided that he already knew I wanted to spend time with him from how I’ve been/what people have said in g-chat convos, 2) thought “hang out” was the best alternative, since I didn’t really want to date – I almost included that exact sentence, but wanted to go with short-n-sweet over long-winded (since I tend to be that way), 3) assumed that he would be #1 and #2 together – although I did really just want to hang out more… and hope that lead to some sex, 4) also assumed that if he had questions (e.g. “do you mean date?”) he could ask, and 5) most importantly, I just wanted to see if the interest was mutual. I think giving a dude your number is pretty straight-forward – but that’s me assuming again.
Really, as some of the other comments note, to some, coming right out with the “hey let’s have some sex!” can be a lil intimidating and coming on really strong. Bottom line? I thought I’d be less direct to gauge interest and go from there. When he came back at me with a response I couldn’t gauge very well (the comments are a good indication of the many ways his e-mail could have been taken), I then did indeed go with language that could not have been misinterpreted.
I must say that when you did indeed go with the blunt language you did it well. Kudos to you for that.