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Random Encunters are not Contests. They’re Awesome.

December 2, 2010


I think that’s enough about my exploits with bartenders and babies. For now, anyway.

Actually, I’d like to come back to Mr. Irish Bartender.

So, as you may or may not know by now, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m a relationship kinda gal. I mean… I am all for one, should something… interesting (and, apparently, intellectually on my level) come along, but I don’t have a particularly good track record as far as longevity is concerned. You’ll just have to take my word for it, I am a great GF, I just… get bored? Haven’t met the guy or gal who is on my level and makes me want to have four kids?

I really don’t think it’s that I’m emotionally unavailable (e.g. this post is some evidence). I think it’s more the latter.

Regardless. I am a-ok with dating and have had my fair share of physical relationships (be them one night or many…). I am aware that a lot of people don’t operate this way, and that the one-night-stand is not always just a nice pick-me-up.

I understand this – I also think it’s more about society’s double standard than it is about what people want sexually or what they’re comfortable with (although, duh, no-strings sex is not for everyone).

This was brought strongly to my attention, once again, with the Irish Bartender.

We def had chemistry, it was pretty clear we were interested in talking to each other. We hung out for a pint after he closed the bar, just talking.

‘Course, next thing you know, clothes are flying. Or attempting to fly. Unfortunately for both of us, I’d say my own personal insecurities (we all have them, ok) shut that down (of course, in retrospect and given the… way things were… going… I could pretty much tell you how the sex would have been – big O for Nikki? Not a chance. But still would’ve been fun!).

And suddenly, I am walking home. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

It is in these moments, and thinking on it the next day, that the knee-jerk reaction to such encounters (or should I say encunters?) is for the dude to feel awesome… and the chick to feel kinda trashy.

For example.

You could say this: Irish Bartender did not invite me back to his place, did not have much to say once I wouldn’t fuck him, and sent me home pretty quick.

Yikes, right?

Sure, if you want to look at it that way. This is certainly how Society has us view such… encunters (I really hope I am not offending any one with that – I am all about takin’ it back, Vagina Monologue Style).

But. Turn the tables. Just a little.

I show up in town, start flirting with the bartender. I make sure to mention I have plans all day the next day, and that I am leaving in the afternoon. Basically, it’s pretty damn clear I ain’t stickin’ around – so I don’t need to pretend there’s anything available but tonight, sooooo am I really that interested in you, you know, intellectually?

In addition, whatever you’re doing there, Mr. Bartender, is not near enough to make me stick around. Thank you, sir, but I will not have another. In fact, I think I’m done here.

“Call back” tomorrow? Um… ok. Or not.

And then of course I am going to tell my friends about baggin’ the Irish Bartender. Or kind of. He wasn’t… enough for me to actually give it up. How’s that for a travel story?

So. Really, we both can be assholes here, if we’d like. Screw Society and the idea that it’s always the girl who should feel slutty (and, of course, slutty = bad) and it’s always the guy who should feel like awesome (and not slutty because that’s bad, right?).  If you look at our actions alone, I’d say you could argue either of us as the Big Fat Slut[=bad (in case you forgot)].

Look. My point is not actually to say, hey look boys, we can make you feel slutty[=bad] too! I don’t really think anyone should be the asshole here.

Because while we can both be seen as Slutty McSlut Face (and that’s a bad thing, ‘member… and I am on a roll with the McWhatever names), either of us can also be Awesome, too.

I don’t understand why we can’t just admit that there was nothing else happening there, the night was pretty flippin’ fun, we both got what we wanted (well, mostly) and went our separate ways – as there was never any pretense for anything else.

That’s how it should be, right?

I agree. But as I walked home, I was reminded once again why so many women in my shoes feel shitty about themselves, instead.

SO – second point. STOP FEELING SHITTY ABOUT ENCUNTERS. This isn’t a fucking contest, where one person is always Awesome and one is Not. THIS IS FUN, NO-STRINGS (almost) SEX where GUESS WHAT you can BOTH brag to your friends, if you so choose.

In closing, my message is this: Ladies, it is in your own power to not feel shitty about Random Encunters. Sure, we’re told to expect things in exchange for sex – e.g. relationships, phone calls, dates… whatever. Realize that is what we’re told is necessary to make us feel ok about giving up the pussy (hence the focus on surrending the pussy, as opposed to the dicksee that?). But if you don’t actually expect or want those things, and you got what you wanted, then you’re Awesome, it was Awesome, and there you go. Done and done.

However. If you truly do not enjoy random hook-ups, and are really only comfortable having sex with people you want to date/marry, then I say avoid the no-strings sex.  You need to be honest with yourself about such things.

And, dudes? Can you please give back some Awesome? We fucked and we liked it. We can both decide this is a good thing – it’s not scary, doesn’t make you less of a man or something if you’re not the only Awesome. Stop talking about us like we’re the only Slut[=bad] around here. As I tried to point out, that road runs both ways, buster. The end.

29 Comments leave one →
  1. December 2, 2010 9:48 am

    I have never understood why there should be anything wrong with having a one night stand. I mean… if you are single (or in an open relationship or whatever) then why should it be a big deal? You meet, interest sparks and then you have (hopefully) great sex and that’s that.

    When I was single that is what myself and my single friends did. If we wanted to and if we found someone we liked. No bloody calls the next day… to much hassle and that was not the idea behind it. It was sex… and just that.

    Of course, you had some that were saying…”oh guys will think you are easy and a slut”. Well, I am sorry but eff them. I wasn’t cheating on anyone, I wasn’t messing with anyone’s feelings, I made sure to have safe sex and I wasn’t lying about anything. I was single, not looking for a partner and had fun.

    The funny thing is..the same people that go on about girls being sluts… they are the ones that often end up cheating on their partners while drunk…blaming the alcohol. I see it often when I go to a late night bar… very prim one minute and the next they are basically shagging on the dance floor. Eejits.

    Right…rant over. 🙂

    • December 2, 2010 5:31 pm

      Abso-friggin’-lutely. The key is being honest with yourself about what you want and what makes you happy. Nothing should make you want a random hook-up if you’re not into it, just as nothing should make you feel bad about random hook-ups you want. Period.

      And yeah – hypocrites. Geez. Thanks for the rant! I enjoyed it!

  2. December 2, 2010 9:54 am

    I love that you’re taking it back V-Monologues style.

  3. December 2, 2010 11:00 am

    I totally get where you are coming from here. Even though I have made it a point not to engage in meaningless one night stands in my adult life I admit every potential sexual encounter is fraught with danger.

    Do you think that it’s because sex traditionally tends to be a much more personal experience for the woman. Lets face it your letting someone “enter you”. For guys it has always been more of a did that to her, instead of he did that inside me.

    I agree with you that women need to take back their sexual power, women tend to be marginalized in our society, seen as objects for sex and housework in many situations.
    I for one want my daughter to own her power as a woman completely. To be able to give of herself freely without being subject to the stigma attached to what passes for love in our generations.

    Everyone should be able to go out and have as good a time as they are able, to the limits they themselves set, without fear of coercion or reprisal.

    Good on you for taking it back Nikki.

    • December 2, 2010 5:48 pm

      Yes again.

      Of course part of the issue is the whole “penetration” thing. It’s even probably part of the reason some men are so incredibly homophobic – because they can’t imagine being penetrated (to which I say, don’t knock it till you try it BOYS). But that’s the old-school, outdated, male issue, and I for one say enough with that shit.

      It is all about your own limits. As you said, you’re not into NSA sex, and I commend your choices, as you commend mine. I don’t do what I do because anyone but me tells me to, just as Ivy doesn’t, and just as you don’t. That’s all that should matter, but we all know that’s not how Society wants us to view it.

      Teach your daughter to own her power. Amen.

  4. December 2, 2010 1:57 pm

    I love this post! As a woman who had LOTS of NSA sex in my single days, OH SNAP NIKKI JUST TOLD YOU, WORLD 😀

    I think you’ve (and Bob) pretty much hit the nail on the head, noting the traditional narrative and politics of sex is that it is something an active man does to a passive woman whose desires, if indeed she has them, are emotionally fraught.

    As for the politics of penetration, I don’t really think being penetrated is any more personal or vulnerable or submissive than it is for the one penetrating– a woman can hurt a man’s genitals very badly while he is penetrating her, by moving the wrong way suddenly, or doing something else (google broken penis if you want to cringe, yo).

    As much as people don’t like to think about it or talk about it, for various reasons, the ladybusiness is, after all, quite a bit more resilient than, say, the scrotum. It’s just that we code being penetrated as a loss of power, and penetrating as a gain, and we all grow up with this cultural narrative and it becomes part of all our encunters (LOL I love it, nikki, it’s craymazing!).

    This, I think ties in to the notion that because women posses sex, and men do not, women use sex as a commodity in exchange for emotional and material goods, whereas men “take” sex from women and then receive power. Which is so.much.bullshit.

    As long as we cannot read a person’s sexual past, present or future writ large upon their body, arguments about whose screwing whom over are really silly. Genitals don’t wear out with use, sex is still sex when a penis isn’t involved, and people across the spectrum of desires ought to, as you said, be free. So much of the slut shamery is tied up in this nonsensical, illogic dichotomy of sex as some abstract commodity (sex is trading 3 points down on the DOW today, with Pork Bellies gaining toward the end of the day…har har ) that can be given and taken.

    This system made more sense (although not much sense at all) when women had less agency and our only purpose/power lay in their reproductive abilities. But sex is divorced from reproduction now (as it should be forever and ever amen), so the whole false dichotomy has broken right the fuck down, and now we’re inching toward a new narrative bit by agonizing bit.

    I think it’s really important to also acknowledge that plenty of men don’t like/aren’t comfortable with casual, unemotional sex, don’t want penetrative sex all the time, aren’t constantly horny, and are, you know, still men. And some women are all of those things and are still women. Part of the whole whose a slut whose a stud thing, is that, a lot of the time, men enact their masculinity by demarcating themselves as not women, for other men. They may do things that they aren’t honestly happy about, so that they can brag to their brah’s and be accepted as men. Which is really fucking sad, and an example of how the Patriarchy hurts men too.

    I suppose time and education are the only solutions.

    • December 2, 2010 3:44 pm

      Thanks for the thumbs up Pepper, any chance you and I could hook up and start writing for Penthouse Letters??? That would be a total hoot! Confusing to the readers expecting porn, but a hoot just the same!!

    • December 2, 2010 5:54 pm

      And more evidence that Pepper is ay-fucking-mazing.

      It’s kind of unbelievable the shit we have in our narratives about men and women, and how much it boils down to Patriarchy bullshit that hurts both men and women – pigeon-holing us into specific stereotypical constructs of who we could be. Limiting our wants and our needs, telling us what we should and shouldn’t do, how we should and shouldn’t feel.

      Ugh. It’s up to us as individuals to decide how we feel about things and how we should act to be happy with our lives. That’s how we pull down the bullshit and break the boundaries. Period.

      This are things your daughter needs to know, Bob. These are things every woman needs to know. These are things every man should know too.

      • December 3, 2010 2:05 pm

        Aaw thank you. 🙂

        Yeah, I think we as a species just need to grow the fuck up and cope with the fact that people are complex, and trying to stick people in handy dandy behavior boxes based on their membership in a broad class is just shitty. And ultimately useless. We want to see patterns so badly, that I think we manufacture them, especially where gender and sexuality are concerned.

  5. December 2, 2010 6:28 pm

    Encunters. Encunters. Encunters.

    I can’t stop saying Encunters. I’m at work, so you’d think that would be a problem, but not really.

    • December 3, 2010 9:09 am

      I think we’re starting our own blog language. We may not have many words yet but with gems like “douche canoe” and “encunters,” you know it’s going to be the best. language. ever.

      (..and in our language, you can put periods wherever you feel like.)

  6. Sass permalink
    December 3, 2010 1:55 am

    I love your writing style, and just in general your entire blog. I don’t see how I didn’t find it earlier.

    Btw. Encunters? Genius 😀

    • December 3, 2010 9:12 am

      Hey, thanks! You made my morning! 😀 (PS you HAVE to check out Pepper & Paprika – they blog on serious shit, but they are seriously hi-lay. I am all about promoting the shit out of them. Because of Awesomeness.)

      And – who knew moment of intoxicated-inability-to-use-a-keyboard would render such an awesome word?

  7. December 3, 2010 2:40 am

    I like it. Everyone can be awesome, mkay, boys? Don’t be so greedy with the awesome.

    And ladies… own that shit! 🙂

    • December 4, 2010 12:28 pm

      Denny’s wondering if he’s hooked up with Nikki before. Purely statistically, his odds with any random lady are roughly 56%, but I don’t recall having bestowed my carnality upon her.

  8. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    December 3, 2010 12:02 pm

    So, since you almost had sex, does that make it a close encunter?

  9. December 6, 2010 10:01 am

    oh, women and their damn emotions.

    important question: do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?

    If so, we might be soulmates.

    • December 6, 2010 6:00 pm

      Yikes. You found my weakness. I don’t own a TV.

      I do have a TV in my house (my landlord gave it to me) but I have no cable. I have Netflix. Right now I’m watching Entourage…

      … can we still be soulmates?

  10. July 20, 2011 2:05 am

    Damn Nikki, you keep asking questions that have logical as well as emotional answers. Logic says absolutely you’re correct. There is no single standard that applies uniformly to both men and women and logic says that if we were the same, that standard should apply. Done and done. BUT (Behold the Underlying Truth) we are not the same and there can be no uniform standard. Homo Sapiens has a mating ritual millions of years old that involves women offering signals that sex would be welcome and men receiving those signals and acting on them by offering some kind of gift which is then accepted by the female of the species. I know – bullshit right? but it’s MILLIONS of years Nik and just because a few of us have randomly been chosen to see things a little differently, certainly doesn’t mean things ‘should’ be different. All other primates show up with the female going into estrus, choosing a male and offering sex. Male accepts, copulation takes place and the deal is done. Human beings lack this feature common to all the other primates. There is a very long explanation for why this is in “the decent of woman” but suffice to say that humans have developed a different set of rules. I don’t imagine that two generations of birth control will change that to please us unless there is an overwhelming evolutionary need. Meanwhile, you get to deal with the emotional side that wants to know “why”and doesn’t get an answer worth the air it takes to articulate it except that evolution demands it to be so until it changes. It will change if change means evolutionary advantage. We’re not all that far removed from the cave after all.

  11. April 27, 2012 12:27 am

    This.was.awesome. I’m feeling such a sigh of relief reading through your stuff. I say it all the time — 3 years in a relationship is my max. I just get fucking BORED! To hear another woman say it so matter-of-fact, with such confidence and “i don’t give a fuck what society tells me cuz I know myself so well” — thank you! I don’t get attached easily when it comes to casual sex — I can very simply recognize it for what it is/was (yes, even during the moment) and continue on with life. I’m not so sure I’ve felt the hookup hangover since I was like 16? I CAN get emotionally attached, FAST, to a PERSONALITY and those are the men that I choose NOT to sleep with quickly. We all know the types, the soul connections, where shit’s lining up on several different levels and your mind is blown. Yeah — I proceed with caution in those cases.Those are the men that I put my ‘relationship pants’ on for, who WILL ‘work for it’. And the chase, in that scenario, is super sexy. And so is the fall. BUT — in the meantime, between work/school/mothering/all the awesome things I get to do as a single woman — I know where to go and how to get it!


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