Waxin’ philosophical on “the one”…
So thought I’d better write a follow up. Or, rather, just effing felt like writing a follow up. Yeah… I’m a lil angsty these days. Just a smidge.
Even though there are options. Things are not set in stone, nothing has really been decided. Yet. I have no idea what will happen next, or where I’ll be in six months. Where Canada will be. Most days, when a lil less angsty, I feel pretty optimistic about things. Most days, actually, I just don’t worry about.
“The future… was wide open.”
You know, it’s interesting. The things you can still learn. For instance, this thing (yeah yeah “relationship” shuddup) with Canda has made me really, for the first time evah, understand this whole concept of “the one”. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still in no way believe in soul mates and all that crap, but… I comprehend why people believe in them – and not just because they’re shoved down our throats as “true love” and something we’re all supposed to aspire to. I understand how people feel that one person is “the one” in the sense that… you really can’t imagine being with someone else. Or, rather, you really really don’t want to. Not because they are some other half you’ve spent your whole life trying to find but because… well, yeah. You’d just rather hang out with them. The whole but there are other fish in the sea! is just not comforting.
But… it is about that time in your life. Whether or not we want to admit it, it is about who we are, and who they are, and where we both are in our lives. In that moment. In that time.
Because the other thing is… No matter what happens, no matter where I end up, where Canada ends up, where our lives take us, whether together or apart… things will change. Not just because we’ll be somewhere else – people change, too. Maybe that means you fall out of love, but then again maybe it means you change together and till death did ya part and all that. And, in this case, if we do end up having to say goodbye…. while that will suck so fucking hard and not in a good way but maybe with too much teeth, I also know we’ll both survive it. Our hearts will mend, knowing us both, and we will move on. No matter how little I want to think about that, no matter how impossible that sounds, right now. In this moment. In this time.
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? The thing we have so much trouble with.
It’s that we can move on. That we change… that there are, indeed, other fish in the sea. The hard part is coming to terms with that. I think, and perhaps will one day fully realize, that may be part of the reason heartache is so difficult, and why some people feel they never move on, or that it’s impossible to.
The admitting that, while in that moment and in that time, that person felt like “the one”… it wasn’t because they were our other half. It is admitting that’s not how this work and that things, and people, change. Even how we feel about this person that is so so important to us now. Even that will change, if it needs to and we allow it – one day, they won’t feel like “the one” any more, if we stop acting like there’s only one, and they were it.
Don’t get me wrong. This makes me pretty sad right now, actually. Yep, still angsty. Or that I don’t want to change, or have to say goodbye to this awesome dude who is smart and fun and independent and makes me laugh and thoughtful and compassionate and who I can talk to about pretty much anything. Who listens and thinks before he speaks, and considers other viewpoints, even though he can be stubborn and opinionated. This man who has been a very grounding force in my world and I know we will fight about something eventually. Eventually. Shit.
But… my world does not revolve around him, nor does his around me. We have other priorities, even if some of them are already giving way – some will never change. Even while we both consider things I don’t think we ever thought we would, there are still things out of the question.
And if, one day, in another moment and another time, we run right up against what neither of us will change… well. There will be another moment, and another time. As little as I want to admit it in this one.
I think accepting that, no matter how difficult, is necessary. And, even though it will feel like the impossible, the difference is realizing that it is not impossible… and that, one day if things are different, there is some comfort, and there is hope in that.
It’s just a different kind of hope. And it doesn’t mean I give up on hoping things will work out, or give in now, or stop enjoying what I have. You can’t live your life that way either. But isn’t that just it? We live our lives with what we have, now, today. In this moment and in this time. Even as we accept the only thing you can count on in life is that things, with or without your permission, can, and will, change. Sometimes, that change is what moves us forward, if we let it.
I also remind myself that there is a reason my life does not revolve around Canada – and that his does not revolve around me. There is more to my life than that, and that’s something maybe we should all be more comfortable with, too. In addition, it’s remembering that, while we can feel like that one person is THE one… that isn’t really how it works. There are other fish in the sea. And, moreover, we are whole people, we are not in search for our other half, but are instead complete on our own.
♦ ◊ ♦
As an aside, a friend of mine is currently watching his wife die of cancer. She’s been battling it for a few years. They’ve been together forever, but couldn’t afford to get married. Last July, when she went into experimental treatment, they finally went ahead and got engaged.
Last week, her doctors told them there was nothing more they could do.They were married in the hospital.
It’s a very, very stark reminder of the fragility of life, and the importance of what you do with it… as well as the people you choose to fill it with. Take care of each other.