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Waxin’ philosophical on “the one”…

January 7, 2013

So thought I’d better write a follow up. Or, rather, just effing felt like writing a follow up. Yeah… I’m a lil angsty these days. Just a smidge.

Even though there are options. Things are not set in stone, nothing has really been decided. Yet. I have no idea what will happen next, or where I’ll be in six months. Where Canada will be.  Most days, when a lil less angsty, I feel pretty optimistic about things. Most days, actually, I just don’t worry about.

“The future… was wide open.”

You know, it’s interesting. The things you can still learn. For instance, this thing (yeah yeah “relationship” shuddup) with Canda has made me really, for the first time evah, understand this whole concept of “the one”. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still in no way believe in soul mates and all that crap, but… I comprehend why people believe in them – and not just because they’re shoved down our throats as “true love” and something we’re all supposed to aspire to. I understand how people feel that one person is “the one” in the sense that… you really can’t imagine being with someone else. Or, rather, you really really don’t want to. Not because they are some other half you’ve spent your whole life trying to find but because… well, yeah. You’d just rather hang out with them. The whole but there are other fish in the sea! is just not comforting.

But… it is about that time in your life. Whether or not we want to admit it, it is about who we are, and who they are, and where we both are in our lives. In that moment. In that time.

Because the other thing is… No matter what happens, no matter where I end up, where Canada ends up, where our lives take us, whether together or apart… things will change. Not just because we’ll be somewhere else – people change, too. Maybe that means you fall out of love, but then again maybe it means you change together and till death did ya part and all that. And, in this case, if we do end up having to say goodbye…. while that will suck so fucking hard and not in a good way but maybe with too much teeth, I also know we’ll both survive it. Our hearts will mend, knowing us both, and we will move on. No matter how little I want to think about that, no matter how impossible that sounds, right now. In this moment. In this time.

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? The thing we have so much trouble with.

It’s that we can move on. That we change… that there are, indeed, other fish in the sea. The hard part is coming to terms with that. I think, and perhaps will one day fully realize, that may be part of the reason heartache is so difficult, and why some people feel they never move on, or that it’s impossible to.

The admitting that, while in that moment and in that time, that person felt like “the one”… it wasn’t because they were our other half. It is admitting that’s not how this work and that things, and people, change. Even how we feel about this person that is so so important to us now. Even that will change, if it needs to and we allow it – one day, they won’t feel like “the one” any more, if we stop acting like there’s only one, and they were it.

Don’t get me wrong. This makes me pretty sad right now, actually. Yep, still angsty. Or that I don’t want to change, or have to say goodbye to this awesome dude who is smart and fun and independent and makes me laugh and thoughtful and compassionate and who I can talk to about pretty much anything. Who listens and thinks before he speaks, and considers other viewpoints, even though he can be stubborn and opinionated. This man who has been a very grounding force in my world and I know we will fight about something eventually. Eventually. Shit.

But… my world does not revolve around him, nor does his around me. We have other priorities, even if some of them are already giving way – some will never change. Even while we both consider things I don’t think we ever thought we would, there are still things out of the question.

And if, one day, in another moment and another time, we run right up against what neither of us will change… well. There will be another moment, and another time. As little as I want to admit it in this one.

I think accepting that, no matter how difficult, is necessary. And, even though it will feel like the impossible, the difference is realizing that it is not impossible… and that, one day if things are different, there is some comfort, and there is hope in that.

It’s just a different kind of hope. And it doesn’t mean I give up on hoping things will work out, or give in now, or stop enjoying what I have. You can’t live your life that way either. But isn’t that just it? We live our lives with what we have, now, today. In this moment and in this time. Even as we accept the only thing you can count on in life is that things, with or without your permission, can, and will, change. Sometimes, that change is what moves us forward, if we let it.

I also remind myself that there is a reason my life does not revolve around Canada – and that his does not revolve around me. There is more to my life than that, and that’s something maybe we should all be more comfortable with, too. In addition, it’s remembering that, while we can feel like that one person is THE one… that isn’t really how it works. There are other fish in the sea. And, moreover, we are whole people, we are not in search for our other half, but are instead complete on our own.

♦ ◊ ♦

As an aside, a friend of mine is currently watching his wife die of cancer. She’s been battling it for a few years. They’ve been together forever, but couldn’t afford to get married. Last July, when she went into experimental treatment, they finally went ahead and got engaged.

Last week, her doctors told them there was nothing more they could do.They were married in the hospital.

It’s a very, very stark reminder of the fragility of life, and the importance of  what you do with it… as well as the people you choose to fill it with. Take care of each other.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 8, 2013 5:04 am

    It is true; change is part of life. Nothing is ever static, as much as we sometimes want it to be. But then… without change we never discover who we really are and what life has in store for us so it is a good thing.

    I totally get that the impending/possible/most likely changes ahead are making you feel shite. Who wouldn’t feel like that. It is a crap situation. You do hit the nail on its head when you say things will change anyway and no-one knows what will happen and it is important that life is more than just about being with “the one”. I do believe that there is always a way and that things somehow work out. (Yeah ok let’s not get into my own lamenting that I do at times…).

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. What he is going through must be the most horrible thing in the world. I guess all we can take from that is that it is important to enjoy the present as you never know. To stop worrying too much about things that can/will happen in the future and to spend the time that is there right now and then doing what feels good and right, with the people that matter.

    On a side-track: “soul-mates”… I am not sure I believe in “the one” either. It is as you say. Life changes a lot. At the same time I think that soul-mates can just be those very few people that we meet in our lives that we connect with deeply. Those people that stay with us forever. I kind of think that it refers more to very close friends than to a partner (though if you are lucky enough to find that combination, it is a very rare thing). In that sense, of deep friendships, I do believe in soul-mates. Or as the saying goes: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”


    • January 8, 2013 9:42 am

      Thanks for the continued support, Ivy! It does help – just getting it out and talking about it. The venting of emotions, for the most part. It is kinda crappy and all that, but what to do. Surely not going to give up or break it off, so what is there to do than see what happens? 🙂

      And, yeah, my friend’s life right now has been a pretty ridiculous reminder about life. I feel like this new year has been really, um, weird like that. Makes me wonder where 2013 is heading… Regardless, will enjoy the Now and do what I can for the future – but not ruin the now worrying abou tit.

      As for the “soul mates” thing – I totally feel you. I think we develop really deep relationships with people, and they absolutely are platonic sometimes. I have friends in my life that will always be there, or I hope will always be there. It does seem different from a partner… and I don’t feel that Canada and I know each other well enough yet to be really deeply in love or anything (in fact, not entirely sure about how you know if you’re “in love” or not… for another time), but I do know I am just “all in” on this… But I have friends I do know have changed me for the better, and that I have that deep connection with.


  2. January 8, 2013 6:26 am

    Geese, its been a long time since have seen you this messed up. I only have one thing to tell you. Follow your heart. Love you.

    • January 8, 2013 9:36 am

      Heyyyy… Yeah. I wrote that other post when I was bummin’ pretty bad. Also, I let it be a lil more emotional since I’m all anonymous and just needed to vent a little. Normally, I’m actually OK as long as I don’t think about it too much. And I do feel hopeful we’ll work something out. It’s just still pretty sucky.

      Either way, I know I’ll be ok, and Canada will be ok too. I think we’re both really on the same page with everything, and we’re open and communicative, so that helps. We’ll just see where life leads…

      Thanks, buddy. Xs and Os.

  3. February 20, 2013 1:26 am

    Holy fuck, you came back for a minute and I missed it! I’ve been a bad blogger anyway.

    I’m sorry you’re in this pickle. But you’re smart and self-aware and you’re right, things change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes not. And the thing is, at this moment, you can’t know HOW they will change. But here’s the other thing, and it’s not so easy to remember and embrace — but shit works itself out. Whatever happens, it’ll work itself out. Or you’ll work it out. Whether “you” means you and him or just you. And you’ll be fine. It’s just this angsty not-knowing-what’s-actually-going-to-happen moment that sucks.

    I’m sorry. I’ve missed you.

  4. Aimee permalink
    March 6, 2013 9:59 pm

    Oh hell yeah! A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I had “The One”. He was my absolute ideal, until something happened that brought the worst part of our mutual conflict avoidance to the forefront. I was young, and stupid, and I bolted instead of staying and working out the problems with my One.
    It took close to 20 years for me to completely process the whole thing, but seeing him today – married to a woman who seems well suited to him, 2 kids, and finally the career that he dreamed of … that would not have happened if I had stayed. I know now that everything does happen for a reason – whatever that “reason” is, where ever it comes from, change is one thing in life that is certain.
    The “good” part in all this is that we always remained friends. We were part of each others lives for long after we ceased being a romantic couple. This is probably because we both were able to let go of the past and just accept each other for who we grew into.
    With all this said, I still have a hard time getting into new relationships because I’m always acutely aware of the fact that nobody is perfect and everyone DOES change. It’s hard to think about the potential “end” when you are in the throes of new relationship euphoria but you can’t just shove the concept of “everyone changes” into a steel box and hope that it doesn’t somehow escape.
    You’re absolutely right about learning how to live in the moment and enjoy “what is” because nobody knows how long they have on this wacky little planet We can’t predict the future. It just sorta sucks not being able to whip out that crystal ball so you can “see” what’s coming and prepare for it. Ultimately, we all just have to wing it, act from a place of honesty and compassion, and hope for the best.

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