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Forgive? Or just bring a damn umbrella?

September 26, 2012

I’m really looking forward to next weekend. A good friend is getting married, a bunch of people will be in town for it. I’m excited to see them, happy for those getting hitched.

Except for one thing. One teeny tiny fucking rain cloud hanging over my goddamn parade.

It sounds like this person will be in attendance (I’ve also written about her here). Look. I recognize it’s been years now since I’ve seen her. Years.know I am over it, I do not think about her at all. As such, I also understand that most people who aren’t me expect that, as a friend said in e-mail, “it’s all in the past now.” Well, yeah. It is.


OK. Quick (ha ha ha ha!) backstory: Basically, this girl, I called her Kay, and I sort-of met at a party, and we had the same group of friends. As I’ve recalled over at Met Another Frog: ”

The first time I saw Kay, I… noticed her. Immediately. But everyone assumed we knew each other, so no one introduced us. That first night, we never even spoke.

She would tell me later that she literally could not talk to me. That all she did, as soon as I walked in the door, was pray that I was gay.

I wasn’t.

Once we finally did speak, we developed a close friendship. She also spent six months pushing me on the whole straight thing. I spent six months telling her no.

And then I gave an inch – because I could no longer ignore the way she made me feel. It was all downhill from there.

Every wonderful, amazing, heart-stopping thing you’ve ever wanted someone to tell you, Kay said to me. And I felt this unbelievable connection to her. I fully believed the only reason I was feeling this way about a girl was because, well…. maybe there is truth in fairy tales.

And, one night, words translated into an intense, insane, head-over-heels tumble into Kay’s bed.

In the beginning, I had been terrified of hurting her. Because I identified as straight, I was so so afraid of only being able to go so far, and therefore causing her pain. When I voiced those concerns? She told me “everything will be fine – stop worrying! Follow your heart!” …. Right.

And… I had a boyfriend at the time. The fact that we both failed to even act like that was a problem should have been giant fucking red flag number one – and, even though I broke up with him the next day, and even though I had my reasons as to why I didn’t break up with him sooner, that does not excuse or validate cheating on him.

Welp. I got what I paid for. I actually knew in the morning that things were different. Something was wrong. Even though she told me she was so happy, and she couldn’t believe it happened… she then made up excuses about an ex to avoid me, said she needed space, she needed time, because this was just so intense… and then three weeks later made out with some one else right in front of me. I, of course, responded by getting completely shitfaced, chainsmoking my brains out, and crying in public.

That was about how the next year went. She said things to keep me just close enough… and I allowed that and pursued her in an attempt to reclaim my broken heart, and avoid dealing with what this person had actually done to me. In addition, of course, was everything that comes along with going from identifying as straight to the whole OH MY GAWD THAT WAS A GIRL thing.

To add some salt to the proverbial gaping hole in my chest, I didn’t tell anyone. Because I didn’t want my now-ex-BF to think I’d broken up with him for the wrong reasons, and because I thought we were going to give him some time to recover before we came out together in public, and because I was still reeling from what this meant for my own sexuality and identity. I was able to pretend that no one knew.

Everyone knew. I didn’t find out for over six months that she told everyone. Which was bad enough. But. I didn’t find out for over a year that not only had she told everyone? She also told them that I came on to her. That, the one night? I wouldn’t get out of her bed.  That she didn’t know what to do with me, that I had completely freaked her out. Which is hilarious (or something), because apparently how she deals with being “freaked out” is to put on some Sarah McLachlan (I couldn’t listen to “Ice Cream” for the longest friggin’ time), light 500 candles, get on her knees before I even had my clothes off – and engage in sex that was so one-sided, I didn’t even know people would term it “sex” as I had done nothing to her. I barely touched her boobs. Because, in reality, I was the one freaking the fuck out.

But, sure, whatever. Maybe some people deal with freaking out by licking pussy.  Who am I to judge.

The last time I really hung out with Kay? We were supposedly not speaking – until she pulled me away from the girl I was dancing with and started kissing me.

So. Yeah. How I let that go on so long, I’ll never quite understand. We all make mistakes – sometimes massive ones. It’s always most difficult to see the shit you’re right in the middle of. We never take that good advice when we really need it. Etc.

Regardless. At this point? I’m well over it. Kay is not someone I think about, well, ever. But…. do I want to have to see her?

Nope. Sure don’t. Sure would rather just not. At all. Ever again.

And that’s the annoying thing. The idea that we can be so done with someone… and they still have that ability to rain on our goddamn parade.

Everyone tells you “you’ll get over it” or “you shouldn’t care any more” or “you need to forgive them to let it go” or whatev. That we’re supposed to forgive in order to move on. If we haven’t done that, can’t do that, then the theory is we haven’t and can’t really move on, either. If they can still affect us in some way. That’s the hypothetical litmus test, right?

Really? Is that really true? Or is it enough to just be so very, very done with a person – and never want to see them again? Even if they are still able to manifest as a fucking stormcloud?

Or are we really only “over it” when they can no longer affect us, and do we truly need to forgive?

Honestly? It just seems like more work, emotions, and effort to figure out how to forgive Kay, when I don’t expend any of those things on her normally. Instead? I’d rather just allow for a very rare day that looks like rain, and bring a damn umbrella.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2012 12:53 pm

    Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I understand forgiveness and moving on. I mean, I guess I do sometimes. But with my ex, it sounds like you and Kay. Do I ever think about him? Nope. Does he still hurt me? Nope. Do I ever want to run into him? Nope. But I don’t think that means I haven’t moved on.

    • September 30, 2012 5:51 pm

      We are on the same page, Thoughtsy. I understand the impulse to say that you’ve only really moved on when that person can’t affect you any more, or when you can truly forgive but… sometimes? That’s not how it works at all.

      Glad we’ve both been able to move on in our own ways. 😀

  2. September 26, 2012 2:33 pm

    I believe we can forgive or at least forgive enough so that it does not mull in our mind and make us miserable all the time etc. That does not mean that you forget. It does not mean that whatever happened was OK. What happened was still shite and does not change the fact that ye wan behaved atrociously. Unless you are Mother Theresa no-one will ever be totally fine with an ex that behaved like that (and I’d say even Mother Theresa had a few people she was glad to see the back off).

    So yeah, forgive and forget in the sense that the past does not bother, hurt and affect you anymore is good and healthy. Not having her on your mind is key. The fact that you do not particularly want to see her again is normal and I personally do not think it means that you have some unresolved issues. Some people are just messed up and unless she has had a personality change she will always be the one that did that.

    So I’d say; bring the umbrella, have a blast and if she annoys you – wack her over the head with said umbrella. 🙂

    Hope you’ll have a great time! xoxo!

    • September 30, 2012 5:52 pm

      “So I’d say; bring the umbrella, have a blast and if she annoys you – wack her over the head with said umbrella” <– favorite comment. Hands down.

  3. September 26, 2012 5:46 pm

    She sounds like a real twat.

    However, be the bigger person and make out with the bride at first chance.

    Failing that put a strategically placed lump of dog crap in her purse.

    No slight should go unpunished!

  4. September 27, 2012 4:17 am

    I have an ex best friend I feel exactly the same about. She broke my heart more than anyone before ever by betraying me after my ex and I split, it is a long story, but when you have been friends, like very best friends with someone for more than half your life and they suddenly just turn their back on you for absolutely no reason, it hurts. I am NOT over it. I don’t think about her at all anymore, occasionally I see her around, but her betrayal was nothing I could ever forgive. And I don’t care that it sounds shitty. What she did to me was shitty too…and at this point the only feelings I have about it, is that it is her loss. Totally. No matter what she says about me or does. I could care less. But like you, I have zero desire to be anywhere near her at all…just hold your head high, and don’t give her a second of your time love…her loss, for sure. xoxo

    • September 30, 2012 5:55 pm

      Hey there! Thanks for reading ~ and for pointing out that these kind of things aren’t just in romantic relationships, but in *any* relationship. And, yeah, sometimes you are just done.

      Your comment and Thoughtsy’s above also make clear that this isn’t some singular experience I had – many of us have been through it, and I don’t think we need to forgive in ways we’re told. We move on in ways that actually work.

  5. lrn2giveup permalink
    September 27, 2012 4:38 am

    ya know when I want to remind myself of all the problems I avoid by not having a sex life, I just check if you’ve written a new blog post in a while, #justsaying #nooffense 😉

    also chick sounds annoying, just remember information is leverage and the truth is good info.

    • September 30, 2012 5:57 pm

      Ha! Well, glad I’m helpful!

      The only issue with information is the fact that some people will never, ever admit to the truth if they can help it. Even if faced with evidence, they’ll deny it, or avoid it. Sometimes, you have to let that shit go – as annoying as it is. Moreover, sometimes the truth isn’t important to everyone else as much as it is to you. When I found out what she had really told people? I wanted to go around explaining and setting the record straight, but everyone had “moved on”, and I felt like I’d sound ridiculous trying to bring it all up again. I just had to let it go…. and that sucked too.

  6. October 1, 2012 9:55 pm

    First off, this is a bit trippy… because I had a friend in university who had a boyfriend and met a girl who was named Kay.. And anyway, long story short, so much of this could’ve been written by her it kind of freaked me out. Some details are different, but so much of it is her story.


    “The idea that we can be so done with someone… and they still have that ability to rain on our goddamn parade.” This. So much this. So much this I could cry.
    St John’s is a small, small city…. and it’s been over two years, and I’m past it, I am… but the people who hurt me are still in my life. Still affecting my life. And it drives me insane. I know I’m past it, because instead of wishing she’d be hit by a bus, I just wish she would move. One day they will. Neither of them are from here, and he doesn’t want to settle down here, so I know one day they will move…. And until that day they will rain on my parade regularly because this city is so damn small.

    The thing is, if it was just him, it wouldn’t matter. I don’t forgive him for cheating on me, and when I see him, there is no rain… I don’t think you have to forgive, you can just move on.
    But I think both sides have to move on. Both sides need to let got.
    She isn’t. She slept with my boyfriend, she is now living with him, and she plays the role of the victim. She gives mutual friends grief for still being friends with me. People they have met recently meet me at major events and treat me like scum because of whatever it is she has told them about who I am. I could go on about how much of a ridiculous thorn in my side she is for no valid reason… but I’ll spare you 😛 Why should I forgive her for that? Why should I put the effort into that?
    I will admit that I am petty enough to find some solace in the fact that my mere existence still pisses her off. And that has to be enough for me. Because I don’t want to waste energy on her when I don’t have to.

    So I’ll just bring an umbrella to thanksgiving supper…
    (and take pride in the fact that i make the BEST pie, and her pie pales in comparison…)

    • October 2, 2012 11:21 am

      Ohhh man. Yep.

      For many of our mutual friends, the drama was always my fault. Most never ever heard my side of the story. Sometimes I wish I could sit them down and explain it, but 1) that would’ve been far after the fact, and therefore weird, and 2) do I really want to stoop to her level of involving EVERYONE in my personal shit?

      No. I don’t. But the fact that I don’t want to do that means I have to deal with the way thing are – so I TOTALLY feel you on your shit, even if I don’t have to deal with her regularly like you do. Wow – that must be fucking tough, dude. And sometimes it’s not that much help when you’re the only one who understands just how much of a bigger person you are.

      For realz yo. :-/ Keep bringing the umbrella and kicking ass at pies. Know the #badassgirlcult have your back – and we are WAY cooler and more badass then she’ll ever be.

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