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sex as weapon.

July 27, 2010

Sex can be a weapon.

You can use it against other people – emotionally, to gain control, to make them vulnerable…

You can also use it against yourself.

I mean… I’ve seen this how many times? Since my BFF in high school broke up with her boyfriend of two years and had sex with like five people in three weeks. And gave _____ a bj when he didn’t even want one.

When girls do this, I think it’s often because they think sex will make them feel better. Probably not consciously, but… it won’t. More than likely, you either don’t really like to have sex outside of a serious relationship, or you are in a far too emotional state period to be having sex. No-strings sex may totally be fine for you in other circumstances… when you’re not in that state.

Plus…. goddamn. Could you be any more cliché?

Just another girl who starts having a bunch of sex because she thinks sex will make her feel better about herself, will validate her feelings, will take away that rejection she’s dealing with, give her back her fucking self-worth and self-respect?

Ok. Basically? No-strings-sex is not the same for everyone, and just because you’re attempting to have some does not mean you are going to be able to handle it.

For instance. We’ll start with the extreme example, a Mouse:

A Mouse uses sex for something. She allows some dude to raw-dog her for a reason. As an attempt at gaining some self-confidence, for example. Or to get a Boyfriend, because a Boyfriend would make her Happy.

In general, a Mouse (etc) is trying to use sex because her self-esteem is so fucking low she feels like she has to do whatever to please the other person – not only because she respects herself so little she can’t speak up (and tell him to put a mother fucking condom on or guess what it’s my turn now, bitch), but also because she thinks the bj or the raw-dog will keep this dude around… because she made that… sacrifice for him, he’ll do something for her.

A Mouse feels better about herself via the delusion that  she has to have someone else there in order to respect/love herself. She only feels self-worth through the attention of another human being.

I have no self-worth/respect/love, maybe I can get that from you in return for access into my va-jay-jay. And for putting your dick in my mouth. Because look what I do for you and surely you wouldn’t fuck me if you didn’t like me.

Ummm….. newsflash. Do I even have to say it?

So that’s a Mouse. But… this same idea can be much more subtle. As in… “I’ve just been hurt pretty badly. My self-confidence is pretty low right now… maybe some sex will cheer me up?”

OK so in general not exactly that flippant or obvious. Not the same as a Mouse – but the principle still applies. Even though it’s more deep-rooted than that, and you probably don’t even realize it at the time… still the same. Get it?

As for me? I don’t expect anything more from no-strings sex than a good time. Some stress relief. Rock n roll.

But a way to provide some kind of confidence or respect or self-worth? Make me feel better about something?

Those things cannot be gained from another human being (you can think they can be, but look at what happens if that person, say, leaves you – they take it with them. Pay attention.) And certainly not from a sexual act. Please.

True self-worth/respect/love comes from within. Further, true healing must be done by yourself and on your own terms – no one else can help you with that. Sorry to sound cheesey as all get-out, but true story.

Sex won’t do it. The Hookup Hangover is already in effect after a little sans-relationship (and probably liquored-up) nookie. Don’t ask me why, but it takes some time (or half a minute, whatever, depending on who you are) to get over that alone. If you add to it the fact that, somewhere in your brain, you were using that sex to get some kind of emotional fulfillment or validation?

Get ready to be severely disappointed. You’re just going to feel worse.

So. Just because we are both women who can have no-strings sex does not make us the same. You have got to pay attention to yourself and what you’re going through. Period.

All of this fucking bothers me on another level. Because… well, thanks. Thanks for being just another girl who isn’t all that self-aware and is trying to use sex for something it’s not.

Just aaaaaaaadd to the fucking stereotype.

Because, yeah, society is part of the reason we have these annoying stereotypes about men and women and sex. That say “sure honey go get you some” to my face and whisper “… you dirty dirty whore.” once my back is turned. Part of that is male dominance in our modern society in general, and part of that is this weird mental issue with penetration – that somehow being penetrated makes you submissive and perhaps even pathetic (…and yet… um, don’t knock penetration til you try it, baby).

But part of the reason for those stereotypes is the result of women who do this. Because how can a girl who doesn’t respect or love herself and wants to use sex for something it can’t give her, possibly actually enjoy sex?

Easy answer: She doesn’t.

So, therefore, because I want some sex, I must also not really enjoy it. I must also be just saying that, when deep down it’s really because I don’t respect myself and I am fucking someone so they can feel good – and in the hopes that they will somehow validate me because I do that for them. I have sex to either get something I am missing, or to keep a partner around.

But – I do nothing for myself.

Thus, I must also have no self-respect and am also a slut.

Fuck all this shit, man. The actual answer is really effing simple. All you have to do is live your life by what makes YOU happy. Not what you THINK will. Not because of SOMEONE ELSE. For fuck’s sake. And learn from your experiences. If the first time it didn’t make you feel any better – do you really think the second go-round will?

And, for the love, please learn to respect the no-strings sex. When you don’t understand it or what it might do to you (and, as I mentioned, this changes with your emotional state – so know yourself well enough, too), sex can be a weapon. A loaded gun.

So please, don’t be an idiot and point that shit at yourself.


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