I have a healthy relationship… with Lust.


We’re baaa-aack! It’s time again for the Insomnia Club! For August, in keeping to our Sizzlin’ Summer theme, we’re talking about L-U-S-T….




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Lust.

I have to say. Lust and I are pretty close. Have been pretty much all of my life. I started masturbating well before age ten. At age seventeen, I gave a handjob to one Good Mormon Boy while sitting on his bed watching a movie. Which sounds fine, except four of his friends were in the room, watching (the movie, not us) from the floor. Needless to say, he later told me “I don’t trust myself around you”. At the time, I was pissed. But now I see he had a point. He was a good Mormon boy, after all.

More recently? Well. There was the time I almost fucked an Irish bartender in his bar after close while in Ireland (among other European shenanigans) and took an adorable 22-year-old (does that make me a puma or jaguar or something?) home from a recent burlesque performance. Even with his age and a broken wrist (it had a cast on it!), he did not disappoint.  And this past weekend… “cockblocked” (his chosen term) a friend in his bar that he owns… only to take the object of his affection home to have my way with her.

I’ve pulled a girlfriend out of a St. Patrick’s Day party by the hair because it was “time to go home.”, and then spent the subway ride explaining in her ear what I needed to do to her when we got there. On the night of my twenty-seventh birthday, I was busted in a swanky club in Vegas, sucking the tits of a complete (but completely hot) stranger (and not really a complete stranger – her name was Amber) in a bathroom stall (“One lady to a stall please!”… not even kidding.)


I’ve fingered girlfriends outside parties and sucked my boyfriend’s cocks in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning. There have been random acts of indecency in taxi cabs and subway cars. I’ve fucked on my porch (I have neighbors – including my landlord), humped in my best friend’s parent’s bed, and had someone else’s fingers inside me on the dancefloors of clubs. I’ve been thrown across car hoods in public and into the kitchen at bars.


I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries. Randomly hump strangers on the street and poke boys in the butt as they walk by in a crowded bar. Yep. I can be that girl. Although it’s not that often – and I rarely get complaints.

I have (and will again) said things like “but no one will know!” and “I can’t make it all the way home!” I’ve broken furniture, destroyed clothing, woken up neighbors, and literally chased roommates from the house.


I think a good chunk of my friends half-believe I only say I’m bisexual so I can fuck more people.

I’ve been called “the most sexual person I know” and been told “I will fantasize about fucking you for the rest of my life.”

Lust and I don’t even need to be in the same room with you. I’ve fucked a girlfriend so well over text messages, she, uh… had to change her sheets.

And it’s cool if you’re not into it. I’m not insulted or offended. Lust and I aren’t into it if you’re not (it’s called, say it with me, en-thu-si-ass-tic consent).  Once, I shoved my friend Simone against a bathroom door while at a party. She indulged me for a couple minutes before telling me she just wasn’t turned on by the girl thing. I shrugged and we went back to the party (and, she’s used to me – the second or third time we hung out, I kept feeling her up in public. Hey – we were on a pub crawl and she has really nice tits – whaddaya want?)

So, yeah. Lust and I go way back. And, you know, I think Lust gets a bad rap.


She (yes, she – and not because she’s irrational, because she’s awesome) has a pretty tough time of it, really. I mean, people are always either mistaking her for someone else (most often, they think she’s Love), or even outright pretending she’s someone she isn’t (she’s NOT Drunkenness already!) And when they do get it right, it’s still a problem. On one hand, they never take her seriously enough (anyone wanna play “just the tip! just for a minute!”?), but they also make everything she has a hand in (hee hee) something, well, bad.

Dear lawd heaven forbid ya do something out of Lust. And without the alcohol. But if yer gonna, pretend it’s no big deal. Or maybe just act like you lost your brain entirely. Let’s pretend Lust is irrational, so by definition you can be irrational, too.

Personally? I am all about Lust (obvi). I think it’s a perfectly reasonable motivation. I don’t need alcohol and I sure as hell don’t mistake her for something she isn’t. And, while sometimes mildly embarrassed by my antics later, I’ve never done something I was ashamed of. I’m pretty much always into whatever it is Lust and I are up to – that is to say, I am fucking aware of what’s going on.


But I also play it safe. Being lustful doesn’t equate to being an idiot. Just because we’re messing around doesn’t mean I HAVE to have sex with you. Making out and dry-humping can be pretty fun too, ya know. And. I’ve never had unprotected sex. Ever. Not one “only a minute!” or “just the tip!“ Not. ONE. How many of y’all can say that?

I know myself. I know Lust and I are old buds. Sometimes. I just can’t help myself. I also know I can’t be trusted around bourbon. And I take all that pretty seriously.

See, I don’t think for a second I’m the only one who has stories like mine or can think back over similar antics. Let’s be honest. How many of us aren’t old chums with Lust, really? But, of course, that doesn’t mean I know her like you do. Our relationships with Lust will more than likely be different. In more ways than one.


Regardless of the relationship, if we’re all on a first-name basis here… what’s wrong with her, anyway?

Ummmmm… oh yeah. Nothing. It’s only when y’all go pretending she’s someone she’s not, or thinking Lust is something to be taken lightly, that things turn… problematic.

Maybe we should just be more aware, of ourselves and of those we’re feeling up in public. More careful and thoughtful with how we treat our sex. More clear that things that happen quickly can end just as fast. More mindful that oh yeah it’s Lust that shows up red-hot-n-bothered, whereas Love takes her sweet effing time.


Maybe we should shame ourselves and each other a little less… and allow Lust to be who she is. In addition, instead of pretending she’s someone she isn’t or using an excuse to explain her away, we actually take her seriously. We take some flippin’ time to decide if we want to be bosom buddies or just mere acquaintances (e.g. you recognize her when she walks in the room, but that don’t mean you strike up a conversation). And, if we decide Lust is our friend, we also decide we can indulge without shame, while remembering our brains. Safety and enthusiastic consent first, kiddos. Don’t ruin a good thing by being an idiot. Lust isn’t irrational – people are.

And, finally, for crying out loud, ENJOY. I know Lust has encouraged me to do all kinds of things I’d be happy to do again. Anyone wanna tell me otherwise?

Although I’d really rather not have hickeys this week, of all the weeks. Right in the middle of my fucking neck. I am getting a bit old for that.

Well. I suppose there is a downside to a healthy relationship with Lust, after all.




That’s my two cents on Lust! Please check out what everyone else in the Insomnia Club thinks about her…

Met Another Frog: Lust, The Jazz Singer, and Me

Single in My 30s: Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel… Saucy.

Train Wreck Love: Lust, love, greed and consciousness

My Pixie Blog – Sometimes You’re Nothing But Meat

Confronting Love – Dance with Me.

The Urban Dater – The Night Lust Made Me Its Bitch

Single Much? – Lust… when you just can’t get enough.