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I have a healthy relationship… with Lust.

August 23, 2011

We’re baaa-aack! It’s time again for the Insomnia Club! For August, in keeping to our Sizzlin’ Summer theme, we’re talking about L-U-S-T….










Oh Lust.

I have to say. Lust and I are pretty close. Have been pretty much all of my life. I started masturbating well before age ten. At age seventeen, I gave a handjob to one Good Mormon Boy while sitting on his bed watching a movie. Which sounds fine, except four of his friends were in the room, watching (the movie, not us) from the floor. Needless to say, he later told me “I don’t trust myself around you”. At the time, I was pissed. But now I see he had a point. He was a good Mormon boy, after all.

More recently? Well. There was the time I almost fucked an Irish bartender in his bar after close while in Ireland (among other European shenanigans) and took an adorable 22-year-old (does that make me a puma or jaguar or something?) home from a recent burlesque performance. Even with his age and a broken wrist (it had a cast on it!), he did not disappoint.  And this past weekend… “cockblocked” (his chosen term) a friend in his bar that he owns… only to take the object of his affection home to have my way with her.

I’ve pulled a girlfriend out of a St. Patrick’s Day party by the hair because it was “time to go home.”, and then spent the subway ride explaining in her ear what I needed to do to her when we got there. On the night of my twenty-seventh birthday, I was busted in a swanky club in Vegas, sucking the tits of a complete (but completely hot) stranger (and not really a complete stranger – her name was Amber) in a bathroom stall (“One lady to a stall please!”… not even kidding.)

I’ve fingered girlfriends outside parties and sucked my boyfriend’s cocks in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning. There have been random acts of indecency in taxi cabs and subway cars. I’ve fucked on my porch (I have neighbors – including my landlord), humped in my best friend’s parent’s bed, and had someone else’s fingers inside me on the dancefloors of clubs. I’ve been thrown across car hoods in public and into the kitchen at bars.

I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries. Randomly hump strangers on the street and poke boys in the butt as they walk by in a crowded bar. Yep. I can be that girl. Although it’s not that often – and I rarely get complaints.

I have (and will again) said things like “but no one will know!” and “I can’t make it all the way home!” I’ve broken furniture, destroyed clothing, woken up neighbors, and literally chased roommates from the house.

I think a good chunk of my friends half-believe I only say I’m bisexual so I can fuck more people.

I’ve been called “the most sexual person I know” and been told “I will fantasize about fucking you for the rest of my life.”

Lust and I don’t even need to be in the same room with you. I’ve fucked a girlfriend so well over text messages, she, uh… had to change her sheets.

And it’s cool if you’re not into it. I’m not insulted or offended. Lust and I aren’t into it if you’re not (it’s called, say it with me, en-thu-si-ass-tic consent).  Once, I shoved my friend Simone against a bathroom door while at a party. She indulged me for a couple minutes before telling me she just wasn’t turned on by the girl thing. I shrugged and we went back to the party (and, she’s used to me – the second or third time we hung out, I kept feeling her up in public. Hey – we were on a pub crawl and she has really nice tits – whaddaya want?)

So, yeah. Lust and I go way back. And, you know, I think Lust gets a bad rap.

She (yes, she – and not because she’s irrational, because she’s awesome) has a pretty tough time of it, really. I mean, people are always either mistaking her for someone else (most often, they think she’s Love), or even outright pretending she’s someone she isn’t (she’s NOT Drunkenness already!) And when they do get it right, it’s still a problem. On one hand, they never take her seriously enough (anyone wanna play “just the tip! just for a minute!”?), but they also make everything she has a hand in (hee hee) something, well, bad.

Dear lawd heaven forbid ya do something out of Lust. And without the alcohol. But if yer gonna, pretend it’s no big deal. Or maybe just act like you lost your brain entirely. Let’s pretend Lust is irrational, so by definition you can be irrational, too.

Personally? I am all about Lust (obvi). I think it’s a perfectly reasonable motivation. I don’t need alcohol and I sure as hell don’t mistake her for something she isn’t. And, while sometimes mildly embarrassed by my antics later, I’ve never done something I was ashamed of. I’m pretty much always into whatever it is Lust and I are up to – that is to say, I am fucking aware of what’s going on.

But I also play it safe. Being lustful doesn’t equate to being an idiot. Just because we’re messing around doesn’t mean I HAVE to have sex with you. Making out and dry-humping can be pretty fun too, ya know. And. I’ve never had unprotected sex. Ever. Not one “only a minute!” or “just the tip! Not. ONE. How many of y’all can say that?

I know myself. I know Lust and I are old buds. Sometimes. I just can’t help myself. I also know I can’t be trusted around bourbon. And I take all that pretty seriously.

See, I don’t think for a second I’m the only one who has stories like mine or can think back over similar antics. Let’s be honest. How many of us aren’t old chums with Lust, really? But, of course, that doesn’t mean I know her like you do. Our relationships with Lust will more than likely be different. In more ways than one.

Regardless of the relationship, if we’re all on a first-name basis here… what’s wrong with her, anyway?

Ummmmm… oh yeah. Nothing. It’s only when y’all go pretending she’s someone she’s not, or thinking Lust is something to be taken lightly, that things turn… problematic.

Maybe we should just be more aware, of ourselves and of those we’re feeling up in public. More careful and thoughtful with how we treat our sex. More clear that things that happen quickly can end just as fast. More mindful that oh yeah it’s Lust that shows up red-hot-n-bothered, whereas Love takes her sweet effing time.

Maybe we should shame ourselves and each other a little less… and allow Lust to be who she is. In addition, instead of pretending she’s someone she isn’t or using an excuse to explain her away, we actually take her seriously. We take some flippin’ time to decide if we want to be bosom buddies or just mere acquaintances (e.g. you recognize her when she walks in the room, but that don’t mean you strike up a conversation). And, if we decide Lust is our friend, we also decide we can indulge without shame, while remembering our brains. Safety and enthusiastic consent first, kiddos. Don’t ruin a good thing by being an idiot. Lust isn’t irrational – people are.

And, finally, for crying out loud, ENJOY. I know Lust has encouraged me to do all kinds of things I’d be happy to do again. Anyone wanna tell me otherwise?

Although I’d really rather not have hickeys this week, of all the weeks. Right in the middle of my fucking neck. I am getting a bit old for that.

Well. I suppose there is a downside to a healthy relationship with Lust, after all.

That’s my two cents on Lust! Please check out what everyone else in the Insomnia Club thinks about her…

Met Another Frog: Lust, The Jazz Singer, and Me

Single in My 30s: Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel… Saucy.

Train Wreck Love: Lust, love, greed and consciousness

My Pixie Blog – Sometimes You’re Nothing But Meat

Confronting Love – Dance with Me.

The Urban Dater – The Night Lust Made Me Its Bitch

Single Much? – Lust… when you just can’t get enough.

32 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2011 10:17 am

    Damn, girl. Enjoy.

    • August 23, 2011 2:56 pm

      I usually do. 😉

  2. August 23, 2011 10:41 am

    grins – have I told you today that I love you?

    • August 23, 2011 2:58 pm

      Not until now. 😀

  3. August 23, 2011 10:53 am

    Wow, and I thought I had a past worth remembering. You and I have to get out and about someday Nikki.

    • August 23, 2011 2:58 pm

      You got it, Bob. But I am not coming to your neck of the woods in winter. Just sayin’.

      Unless you find me plenty of bodies to keep me warm.

  4. August 23, 2011 12:09 pm

    Ahhh, respecting good ol’ fashioned lust–being safe and smart and sexy. Allowing yourself to follow the desires of the crotch without losing your head. Love the helpful reminders here–no patience for lingering hangovers or worrying over potential STD’s.

    It’s been a while since I’ve given a blow job on a dance floor–but the memory lingers and I pull it up from time to time when I’m digging around in my spank bank. I find that being in my 40’s increases the natural inclinations for lust (I had a friend once tell me, “Turning 40 is like flipping on a light–you will get horny like a teenage boy”) while society puts up more and more barriers for midlife women to seek and suck.

    Enjoyed the writing and the thoughtfulness given to a deeply misunderstood She-Power.

    • August 23, 2011 3:04 pm

      Damn straight. Just cuz it’s all lustful doesn’t mean it should be stupid. That’s one problem with our sex-shaming society. It’s like, for some reason, we decide that we can lose our minds when we give in to sex, as if that makes it ok or something.

      Um, how about no.

      I’ve heard we women just get randier as we age. I certainly haven’t noticed anything slowing down. If it speeds up… yikes. Not sure what that’ll mean. But yeah – can’t imagine the barriers. Plus, the guys horny as you might just be half your age. And then you’re a cougar and you’re not even trying to be one. SO add some stereotyping of a new sort to all that, too. That’s some bullshit right there.

  5. August 23, 2011 12:31 pm

    Hot Hot Hot post !!!
    Got me thinking of all my lust quests !
    You go girl !

    • August 23, 2011 3:05 pm

      Yes! My work here is done. 😀

  6. August 23, 2011 12:43 pm

    Damn girl you are wild! Ha! And why not…? It is as you say – as long as it is consensual and safe.

    It might not be everyones cup of tea to do things in public or with more than one partner etc but without lust life can get pretty boring. How you express your lust is and should be up to each and every one. Shagging in the the dark corners of the nightclub with a stranger, feeling eachother up in a car, having that “can’t get my hands off you” moment with your wife/husband/partner etc etc – each just as intense to the people experiencing it.

    Suppressing it has never really lead to anything good.

    • August 23, 2011 3:10 pm

      That’s what I’m saying! Lust can translate differently for everyone – but we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it as a bad thing. We should just determine what we decide is an acceptable relationship with it at this particular time, and go with it!

      Granted, I usually do my best (not saying I always succeed) at keeping my lust out of other people’s vision. They don’t need to see it…. right?

  7. August 23, 2011 4:33 pm

    This was SUCH a wonderful, steamy post. THANK YOU! Even though now I feel like a total prude. LOL!! I’m kidding. But this does get me in touch with that beautiful lust chick… the one who never wants to be mistaken for love but wants to roam free and do as she pleases.

    I just love everything about this post… and what an exciting life you lead, my dear 😉

    • August 24, 2011 9:12 am

      Yes – get in touch with Lust. it is possible to have a rational relationship with her – and it’s wicked fun (… “wicked” being a wildly appropriate descriptive).

      Thanks lady! It’s only exciting some of the time… trust me! 😉

  8. August 24, 2011 11:55 am

    Well if only, I felt I lived in a world where others were okay with my own lust. But I feel very confused on that topic. Just a couple a days ago I had an incident at a bar (which is considered my cities premiere “meat factory”) that illustrates that confusion.

    I was talking to a random girl who initiated interaction with me by telling me to buy a Captain Morgan’s. I bought the drink and asked her how much it costs after I drank it. I say it’s good but what are some of the less expensive drinks? She says you don’t want to drink cheap liquor do you and then I say well it adds up. She says oh your planning on getting wasted? And I then asked her how much she drinks and how often she drinks at this particular bar. She said she drinks a lot. Then abruptly she declares “I’m not a cheap date.” That shuts me down like a punch in the stomach.

    I told my friend who was also sitting next to me, “that was rude” My friend was like “I think that their was a miscommunication.” I didn’t know what he meant, I just figured she was trying to shut me down by implying that I don’t drink at her level of standards and taste and since I’m obviously hitting on her she feels she has license to be rude. But then my friend explained to me that she thought that I was offering her a cheap drink, And I was like Jesus why do people (ie. girls) have to read into everything? The cheap drinks were for me not her. (Not that if I was having good conversation I wouldn’t buy her a drink)

    Anyways the incident left me feeling very confused. It’s another one of those incidents that make me feel like indicating an interest in somebody, especially where the possibility of a one night stand isn’t strictly precluded, as was the case when I was talking to this girl, just isn’t ever acceptable in any straightforward terms. I honestly figured that she read into the questions about how she drank, which although not random considering the context that I asked the question, as questions meant to probe whether she liked to party/have hookups and that’s why maybe she shut me down like that. (And yes they in fact were, is that bad?) But then why would she shut me down so harshly only to begin flirting with two random Italian guys who quite transparently told her she has lovely eyes and then sorta of brags to them about her own bisexual conquests? But then maybe she just misunderstood me and I misunderstood her misunderstanding? I don’t know I really wish people would stop misunderstanding me so I can get a grip on what’s going on in this world. uh

    But If I can tie this into your discussion on embracing lust. I think it has a lot to do with feeling like others are going to just treat you like a creep and then you have these kind of ambiguous interactions like this and I don’t know how what to think of myself. Half of me feels like a total ignorant clueless fool and creep to boot and the other half of me wants to just keep on doing what I’m doing because what else do you do other than make a move on somebody?

    • October 6, 2012 12:01 am

      Your situation’s a strange one. I’d like to see more discussion on this instance you brought up as well!

      I could only offer this:

      Perhaps she doesn’t understand how to manage money / doesn’t have any pressing circumstances that she’s living through that would drive her to be a little more frugal with the “nicer things” in live – such as a drink. Don’t get me wrong, some of us do the same thing with different octanes of gas when refilling. Sometimes I get 91 (the highest where i live), and sometimes 89 – but never 87. Does it make THAT much of a difference than someone who gets 91 all the time? No. But then again, this is on a daily basis.

      Now, that said, have you met this girl before? Probably not. But did you show an interest in her? I think so, according to your recordings. You’re not going to see her all the time, the same time, in the same place… at least that’s how things are between strangers. It’s the nicer thing to do, sometimes in the first opportunity to do so, to give just a little more. That said, she should damn well know it’s a little more expensive, and that it probably can’t happen too often. But on a first encounter? It’s just the nicer thing.

      Whether or not you’re okay with her asking for the second or third expensive drink is up to you.

  9. Esme permalink
    August 24, 2011 7:35 pm

    Lust gets me into all kinds of delicious trouble. Her and I are tight.

    • August 27, 2011 8:44 am

      Amen, sistah. I feel like the three of us could do some serious (and seriously awesome) damage. 😀

      • Esme permalink
        August 27, 2011 6:39 pm

        Agreed girlfriend. Lust would need a cigarette after we were done with her 😉

  10. August 25, 2011 12:29 am

    Have to say, I’m a bit envious of your very intimate relationship with lust. I usually don’t feel lust for people unless I also hope to love them someday. It has its pluses and minuses. Many minuses, in the short-term, anyway.

    • August 27, 2011 8:46 am

      Minuses in the short-term perhaps – in terms of not getting laid or whatnot (and that is a bummer). But – this is kinda what I meant by us all having our own relationships with Lust. Sometimes, you only lust after specific people and only after you know them. We all have our own… “standards” (for lack of a better word) in that department, and I think that’s just fine.

      To each our own! 😉

  11. August 26, 2011 4:46 pm

    In a healthy relationship, it is important for both partners to respect each other’s space and their relationships with others. Discouraging or preventing a partner from seeing family or friends is controlling and unfair. Trying to control your partner is a warning sign for abusive behavior.

    • August 27, 2011 8:47 am

      … What?

      I’m not sure where this comment is coming from. I mean, I agree, but I don’t know what you’re referencing in the post. Can you elaborate?

  12. August 28, 2011 9:03 am

    Hmmm…I think I need to get even more up close and personal with lust. Clearly having a healthy relationship with it is a real good thing 😀

    • August 29, 2011 9:27 am

      Far as my experience goes, it’s a very good thing. Get on that, Miss Blue.

  13. August 29, 2011 4:41 am

    holy shit. I thought my sexual exploits were impressive. nevermind.

    • August 29, 2011 9:29 am

      Ha! I’ve got almost a decade on you… there’s still plenty of time to catch up. 😉

  14. August 30, 2011 3:04 pm

    Superb post!

    Especially liked this part: Maybe we should just be more aware, of ourselves and of those we’re feeling up in public. More careful and thoughtful with how we treat our sex. More clear that things that happen quickly can end just as fast. More mindful that oh yeah it’s Lust that shows up red-hot-n-bothered, whereas Love takes her sweet effing time.

    So true, spot on, well done. It is a Tuesday morning, Lust wants to play, but there is work to do.

    • August 30, 2011 4:06 pm

      Meh. I hate it when work gets in the way.

      Thanks lady! 😉


  1. Lust in My Heart | Dating & Relationships in NYC
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