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Queer Pride Month Post VII: Oh, The Hypocrisy.

June 30, 2011
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I have this friend. Let’s call her Meredith.

Meredith has not always been Meredith. Once upon a time, Meredith had a long, pointy goatee and a mohawk. Once upon a time, Meredith was Mike. She aways did like to paint her nails… although once  upon a time, usually just in black.

One evening when Meredith first began her metamorphosis, she met us for a drink after work. I remember thinking… [Meredith] doesn’t really want to do this transition. [Meredith] is really only testing gender boundaries. [S]he’s not serious.

It took me a full minute before I mentally bitch-slapped mahself . You take that back.

Since coming out as bi, I’d dealt with people judging me and my sexual identity. It’s really rather annoying. And here I was, doing the same thing to someone else. Wtf, self!

When I decided to come out, I knew it was possibly I’d lose some people in the process. I’d come to terms with that. One thing I didn’t expect?

Being judged – by those that weren’t going anywhere. You know, the ones you know won’t care, or…

those that are gay themselves.

In it’s most benign form, this judgement comes from my friends. It comes in the form of “oh… you’re bi now? Of course you are.

Apparently, I’m a pretty sexual person. Some of my friends kind of equate my open-minded sexual preferences as simply indicative of an abundant and exuberant sex drive. As in… of course I’ll have sex with the ladies. Ladies are pretty – and having sex with the ladies means two times more people to potentially have sex with!

But actually being bisexual, as in, committed-relationship-to-a-person-of-the-same-sex bisexual? Sure, Nikki, whatever you say… *good-natured eye roll*

And that’s the nicer end of the Spectrum of Judgement. In addition to the *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* judging from my friends (even though it’s still annoying, because awesome that you know me better than I do)? There’s the less benign kind too. The kind that wants to explain to me how I don’t know my own sexual preferences. The kind that wants to tell me you’re just experimenting. And not in a Nice Voice.  The kind that acts like I’m just pretending. And, furthermore? I should cut it the fuck out.

It’s the kind that doesn’t even use the word “tolerate“. It’s the kind that says… bitch, I don’t even accept you.

Kicker? In my experience, that kind of judgement? It’s been overwhelmingly from the gays.

On the one hand? I get it. I actually would prefer being called “fluid” (ha ha ha ha!) than bisexual, because of every sorority girl who uses the term “bisexual” to up her sexual capital.  Every 21-year-old chick who makes out with her friend at parties because the boys like it.

I completely comprehend how this behavior undermines actual lesbians and gays. How it objectifies them for straight relationships, and makes lesbian sex something to augment and enhance straight sex.

On the other hand. Of all the people in all the world, it’s rather shocking to be informed by a gay person that they know more about my sexual preferences than I do. That my choices are an experiment. And not because I claim they are (we should all be allowed to experiment if we so desire – nothing wrong with that), but because this other person decided that for me.

Ahem. Excuse me?

Let me see if I have this correct. We rally against those homophobic douchesicles who want to tell you that you’re just oversexed/undersexed/rebelling/confused and need boundaries/a father figure/better friends/religion, because they understand your sexuality better than you do but… somehow you have authority over my choices. Because you’re actually gay.

And sometimes it’s not just aimed at me, personally. I’ve also heard gay people say things like this:

“I just don’t believe in bisexuality.”


I bet I can find a whole bunch of douchebagery that doesn’t believe in gaysexuality. And yet. Explain to me, aside from ya own sexual preferences, the difference between that douchebagery and, well, you? I bet they’d agree with you on the whole bi thing, too.

I’ve noticed a similar trend against trans people, too. Sure, the douche canoe homophobes REALLY don’t get the trans peeps, but the gays? I’ve heard plenty of shitty-shitty-assmonkery transphobia from the mouths of gays.

The hypocrisy tends to leave me a bit speechless. And then not, of course.

It’s amazing to me how little we’re able to see past our own noses sometimes. Our own wants and needs. Our own desires to be accepted appreciated and validated. In spite of  our differences – we want those who aren’t like us, to celebrate our diversity, not judge us or harm us or discriminate against us for it.

But. Hey, look at these people over here! Now, they’re different. That shit? Totally not right, dudes. Totally. They really should figure their shit out.

No one is really gay, ya know. Just confused/undersexed/oversexed/had-bad-parents/needs-to-find-God. Really, what they need is some religion/therapy/drugs/tough love.

No one is really bisexual, ya know. Just confused/oversexed (holla! apparently that’s what I am!))/not enough gay sex/scared/still-in-the-closet. Really, what they need is some therapy. And maybe some drugs. And someone to get them out of the closet. I’m sure they need more supportive parents, too.

No one is really transgender, ya know. I can’t really explain that one. Sexual abuse? Not enough attention growing up? Get us some therapy over here. STAT. Bring drugs.

Really people? How can you not see this? Is it that difficult?


16 Comments leave one →
  1. June 30, 2011 11:05 am

    It is good that you finally now know that you are oversexed..explains all eh? LOL…what a load of bull.

    There are plenty of “judgers” out there. It is funny how easy people forget that the shoe can be on the other foot just as easily…

    • July 3, 2011 4:22 pm

      Exactly. I have no idea how people are so unable to take a step back and say “hey… waaaaait a minute…”

      Of course, as my reaction to Meredith proves, it’s really freakin’ easy to be the judge. I think the first step is simply recognizing when you’re doing it… and trying to re-evaluate from there.

      We all judge, but we certainly don’t all evaluate that judgement. We should.

  2. Anonymous permalink
    July 1, 2011 2:56 pm

    Sing it!!!!!! Can we reference some Judith Butler up in here for good measure???? Or Sarah Ahmed. Go read that shit, people.


    • July 3, 2011 4:23 pm

      Hey lovey!

      Write that post! And then tell me when you go and I’ll link to it!

      Read a book people!

  3. Fantasminha permalink
    July 2, 2011 7:04 am

    Last Saturday my husband and I cycled in the Gay Pride parade. We were in a group of cyclists that led the parade down the parade route. I don’t exactly understand the connection between “share the road” campaign and Gay Pride, but we support both so we went.

    As the parade was getting organized, we met some of the loveliest people. A lot of them would obviously LGBTQ+ (I know this not because I have any radar for this but because several of the men were wearing the rainbow flag as skirts over their lycra.) Of those people we met, one couple in particular stick out in my mind.

    I first met the guy because his bike drew my attention–as indeed it would anyones! It was the height of a penny-farthing bike but shaped like a trike with a cargo rack and painted candy striped. He had built it himself. Naturally I had to run straight over and ask him about it.

    Then I met his friend. It turns out that the bike will topple over if there isn’t weight on the cargo rack, so when he is not carrying “goods” around, he has to carry his friend.

    His friend certainly looks very feminine despite the fact that she was wearing trousers, a pocket watch, vest and hat and I naturally assumed they were a couple. But as time went on and we chatted more and more, it seemed to me that he was a gay man and she a lesbian.

    Ok, now I’m confused. Not because it’s not possible, but only because it’s really an unlikely union, isn’t it? Don’t misunderstand me–I thought then that they were interesting and even if I can’t understand the nature of their relationship, I still think they are interesting and hope that we will see them in the next bike event we go to.

    But I’m still puzzling over this relationship. Not because I want to judge it–that’s not my style. But I do want to understand it. I realized in one shocking moment this week cycling to work that what I need to be able to do is label and compartmentalize it in order to understand it.

    I think it’s what we do as humans, no? We need to label things so they can go tidily into a box, even if we assign no value judgement to the box or label. The trap is when people actually do assign value judgements: this label is bad, that box is dirty, that label is wholesome, etc.

    I would hope that people who are themselves tired of being put in a box with a pre-printed label don’t do that to others. But I hate to admit to myself: I hate to be boxed in, but I can’t help being bothered that I can’t characterize the nature of that relationship. Are they a couple? Are they friends (here they call mates, which really confuses me)? Colleagues? It will bother me until I can understand it.

    So funny was when I read your blog after having had this revelation about myself. Ok, so I do not assign value judgements to my boxes. But I HAVE boxes and labels. I hate that about myself. Yet the more this thought consumes me, the more I realize that I can’t live without them.

    Clearly the references you make in your blog indicate that the people you are talking about are assigning value judgements to their boxes. But do you think it’s possible that these people judging you just haven’t found a box and label that fits you neatly? Do you know the people enough to scratch the surface, or are they passing aquaintences?

    • July 3, 2011 4:41 pm


      Thanks for sharing your story!

      I think it’s really interesting how much we WANT to put people in boxes, especially ones with labels on them. I’ve had to come to terms with this (because there was a time I didn’t want to be labeled due to the aforementioned issues with the term “bisexual”), and have to admit that doing so is important for us to move through our lives and interact with other people.

      I think the keys are one, the point you make about not assigning “bad” or “dirty” or “wrong” to many specific boxes and labels. The other key I’d say is that some people defy our labels and refuse to be boxed in the structures we have in our minds. Instead of forcing them into something you already have in your mental space, perhaps allow them to exist outside of those boxes and labels OR realize that maybe your boxes and labels are too narrow… maybe time for some altering!

      As for the couple you met: they could easily be friends. They could easily be lovers or a couple or any number of things or something new you had never encountered. They were a moment for you to expand your boxes… BUT they also make clear another key point: Get all the information before you put someone somewhere in your mental space, and, if it’s entirely necessary for them to go somewhere, ask them what they think before assigning. If you’re not comfortable asking, and don’t have enough info to do it yourself, then don’t. do. it.

      The main thing, in my eyes, is that at least you had the thought process, and that you didn’t have negative associations with your boxes or labels. And it made you think, instead of just going with what you’ve always known! It really is the thought process that counts!

      As for the Judgey McJudgeyPants in my past? It’s run the gamut. Close friends who’ve already put me in a box, so they’ve used what they *think* they already know to define me, as opposed to making a new box for me (without negative labels, just wrong ones). Close friends who don’t believe in bisexuality, so explicitly don’t have a box for it (and this is what I have a problem with). Also, acquaintances who were in general gay and decided they knew better than I did. And weren’t always nice about it. All in all, they were typically *very* forthcoming with their opinions, and left little room for doubt on what they thought. Same for the things people have said about trans people. It’s been very blatant, very ignorant, very rude, and not in a “hey just wondering” way. Not nice.

  4. Fantasminha permalink
    July 3, 2011 5:12 pm

    I’m disappointed to hear that. I had hoped it was in fact a complete lack of questioning that led to these “Judgey McJudgeyPants” (can I use that?) 🙂

    Every time I think humanity makes a step forward, it seems that someone or some event proves to me that we are also quite capable of a giant leap backward. I’ve no time for tiny minds any more; I’ve completely lost my patience by now. I take my hat off to you that you still have the patience. 🙂

    As for the couple, I’m still scratching my head and hoping to see them again in the near future to get to know them better. If/When we meet again, I will be sure to let you know. 🙂

    • July 6, 2011 10:16 am

      I like to believe we’re still taking baby steps forward – and it’s because of those of us that have lost patience as much as due to those that still have it! We need those that can make clear the things that are unacceptable, end of discussion, just as much as we need those willing to get down and try to talk it out.

      Let me know if you see them again!

  5. July 5, 2011 8:46 pm

    Phew…I was beginning to question whether or not I really liked Pop-Tarts or if I was just experimenting. Glad you could clear that up!

    In a seriousness though, excellent post!

    • July 6, 2011 12:31 pm

      Ha! I would say that your affinity for Pop Tarts is the real deal! You are past the experimentation point! But… maybe we should have more Pop Tarts just to make sure!

      Thanks, lady!

  6. veronica permalink
    August 6, 2011 1:51 am

    [“On the other hand. Of all the people in all the world, it’s rather shocking to be informed by a gay person that they know more about my sexual preferences than I do. That my choices are an experiment. And not because I claim they are (we should all be allowed to experiment if we so desire – nothing wrong with that), but because this other person decided that for me.”]

    i have been told this, much like “you’re just going through a phase, confused blah, blah and experimenting…” DUH?! i’m already 27 and i’ve never been so true to myself like i am now! hell, anyway, i still don’t give a damn

    anyway, can i reblog this? or sorry because I ALREADY DID!!!

    thank you for such a kick-ass post =P

    • August 6, 2011 10:18 am

      It’s really amazing to me how people can know “you’re just experimenting” does not apply to them AT ALL – and then turn right around and say it to someone else. And not even for a second see what they just did there.

      It’s appalling.

      So. We take a cue from them, anyway. Keep comin’ out as bi, keep telling them they’re wrong.

      Of course you can re-post. Thanks for reading! 😀


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