Queer Pride Month Post VII: Oh, The Hypocrisy.
I have this friend. Let’s call her Meredith.
Meredith has not always been Meredith. Once upon a time, Meredith had a long, pointy goatee and a mohawk. Once upon a time, Meredith was Mike. She aways did like to paint her nails… although once upon a time, usually just in black.
One evening when Meredith first began her metamorphosis, she met us for a drink after work. I remember thinking… [Meredith] doesn’t really want to do this transition. [Meredith] is really only testing gender boundaries. [S]he’s not serious.
It took me a full minute before I mentally bitch-slapped mahself . You take that back.
Since coming out as bi, I’d dealt with people judging me and my sexual identity. It’s really rather annoying. And here I was, doing the same thing to someone else. Wtf, self!
When I decided to come out, I knew it was possibly I’d lose some people in the process. I’d come to terms with that. One thing I didn’t expect?
Being judged – by those that weren’t going anywhere. You know, the ones you know won’t care, or…
…those that are gay themselves.
In it’s most benign form, this judgement comes from my friends. It comes in the form of “oh… you’re bi now? Of course you are. ”
Apparently, I’m a pretty sexual person. Some of my friends kind of equate my open-minded sexual preferences as simply indicative of an abundant and exuberant sex drive. As in… of course I’ll have sex with the ladies. Ladies are pretty – and having sex with the ladies means two times more people to potentially have sex with!
But actually being bisexual, as in, committed-relationship-to-a-person-of-the-same-sex bisexual? Sure, Nikki, whatever you say… *good-natured eye roll*
And that’s the nicer end of the Spectrum of Judgement. In addition to the *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* judging from my friends (even though it’s still annoying, because awesome that you know me better than I do)? There’s the less benign kind too. The kind that wants to explain to me how I don’t know my own sexual preferences. The kind that wants to tell me you’re just experimenting. And not in a Nice Voice. The kind that acts like I’m just pretending. And, furthermore? I should cut it the fuck out.
It’s the kind that doesn’t even use the word “tolerate“. It’s the kind that says… bitch, I don’t even accept you.
Kicker? In my experience, that kind of judgement? It’s been overwhelmingly from the gays.
On the one hand? I get it. I actually would prefer being called “fluid” (ha ha ha ha!) than bisexual, because of every sorority girl who uses the term “bisexual” to up her sexual capital. Every 21-year-old chick who makes out with her friend at parties because the boys like it.
I completely comprehend how this behavior undermines actual lesbians and gays. How it objectifies them for straight relationships, and makes lesbian sex something to augment and enhance straight sex.
On the other hand. Of all the people in all the world, it’s rather shocking to be informed by a gay person that they know more about my sexual preferences than I do. That my choices are an experiment. And not because I claim they are (we should all be allowed to experiment if we so desire – nothing wrong with that), but because this other person decided that for me.
Ahem. Excuse me?
Let me see if I have this correct. We rally against those homophobic douchesicles who want to tell you that you’re just oversexed/undersexed/rebelling/confused and need boundaries/a father figure/better friends/religion, because they understand your sexuality better than you do but… somehow you have authority over my choices. Because you’re actually gay.
And sometimes it’s not just aimed at me, personally. I’ve also heard gay people say things like this:
“I just don’t believe in bisexuality.”
I bet I can find a whole bunch of douchebagery that doesn’t believe in gaysexuality. And yet. Explain to me, aside from ya own sexual preferences, the difference between that douchebagery and, well, you? I bet they’d agree with you on the whole bi thing, too.
I’ve noticed a similar trend against trans people, too. Sure, the douche canoe homophobes REALLY don’t get the trans peeps, but the gays? I’ve heard plenty of shitty-shitty-assmonkery transphobia from the mouths of gays.
The hypocrisy tends to leave me a bit speechless. And then not, of course.
It’s amazing to me how little we’re able to see past our own noses sometimes. Our own wants and needs. Our own desires to be
accepted appreciated and validated. In spite of our differences – we want those who aren’t like us, to celebrate our diversity, not judge us or harm us or discriminate against us for it.
But. Hey, look at these people over here! Now, they’re different. That shit? Totally not right, dudes. Totally. They really should figure their shit out.
No one is really gay, ya know. Just confused/undersexed/oversexed/had-bad-parents/needs-to-find-God. Really, what they need is some religion/therapy/drugs/tough love.
No one is really bisexual, ya know. Just confused/oversexed (holla! apparently that’s what I am!))/not enough gay sex/scared/still-in-the-closet. Really, what they need is some therapy. And maybe some drugs. And someone to get them out of the closet. I’m sure they need more supportive parents, too.
No one is really transgender, ya know. I can’t really explain that one. Sexual abuse? Not enough attention growing up? Get us some therapy over here. STAT. Bring drugs.
Really people? How can you not see this? Is it that difficult?