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Have one guy… Gay-ed for life.

August 17, 2011

Hey-O. It’s Wednesday. And I post on Wednesdays now. Remember?

Anyhoo. Today I wanted to spotlight a guest post over at Met Another Frog. Yesterday, Shawn posted his story of a birthday threesome for MAF’s Anything But Vanilla month.


Of course, I liked it. Threesomes. Yum.

But. There was a bit of a twist to this one…


It started with Shawn and the other dude… sucking each other off.


Oh, woah! Hey dude! Look at all that gayness! What, you invite the chick as an excuse? Your wifey know you like the dick?

*Ahem.*

Why is it that women can experiment whenever they feel like it? Why is it that we even have a term [LUGs – Lesbians Until Graduation] for those chicks who lick pussy all through college and then go moseying on back to dudes?


Why is it that girls can make out with each other and aren’t told “oh, y’all are big fat dykes“?


In fact, as another post on MAF makes clear, you can freely discuss your lesbo fantasies, while explicitly stating how straight you are, and no one questions you. You can even, in my opinion, be kinda flippant about another woman’s feelings and lesbian relationships in general – and instead of addressing that, simply say “Well, this is from a straight woman’s perspective“.  And you’re cool.

And yet. With guys? Ohhhhh no. No makin’ out here. You suck one cock, son, you are G-A-Y.


Not only that, you are SO gay, I won’t date you.

WTF.

OK, I am not even going to get into the fact that girls can use same-sex lovin’ to increase their sexual capital with the opposite sex, yet boys can lose ALL sexual capital with some girls. That’s another rant post I can’t possibly put into coherent sentences at the present time (…anyone else having a week?)

The point I want to make regarding Shawn’s post at MAF is this:


We all have license to experiment.


It does not make us gay or even bisexual. It does not mean we are closeted, or we are suddenly unacceptable as dating material (the idea that bis are un-datable is also another rant post).


For one, as long as we are practicing safe, enthusiastic sex (ooo I like that!), we should be free to express our sexuality in whatever way we feel compelled – as long as we find partners who are equally compelled. We should not be subject to other people’s judgement or definitions. Period. Your sex is your sex – it’s not anyone else’s. I mean, are they having it?


For two, there may be that one person or type of person of the same sex (or opposite sex if you’re gay) that just… gets under your skin. That one person that clicks in your brain. And you want to bang the crap out of them. Does it make you gay or bi? Maybe not. Maybe it just makes you straight-except-for-that-dude.

See, I believe sexuality exists as a spectrum – not in hard (ha ha I said “hard”) and fast definitions. We fly a virtual rainbow flag of things that turn us on and get us off. As such, you can absolutely be straight-except-for-that-dude or straight-except-for-eating-box or even gay-except-for-that-one-dyke. I think, for human beings, sex exists as part of our inherent nature, as a way to build relationships and social networks. It’s not just as part of procreation for us, and, if behavioral science and evolutionary theory have anything to say about it, it hasn’t been for, well, ever. Since human beings became human beings.


Sex as something beyond babies, as expression and significant to social fabric is, shall we say, in our blood. It literally is part of who we are – whether we want to acknowledge that or not.

It is only Society, and Other People, who start to tell us the sex we’re having is wrong. It is only Culture, and the idea that Women are shameful and secondary, and Men are powerful and primary, that dictates who gets to experiment with their sex, and who has to keep it straight-and-narrow if they want to still be accepted. E.g. a man sucking cock or takin’ it up the rear is starting to act like, *gasp*, a woman – and thus, how can you possibly respect him any more? (… for the record, in my POV, the ideas I’m only barely touching on are one and the same as those that make sexually aggressive and independent women intimidating – it’s about men taking “female” roles, and women taking “male” roles.)

Straight dudes get the shit end of the stick (ha ha) in this, if you ask me. If a gay dude slips and falls into a vagina, does anyone tell him he’s not gay? Hell to the F no. If a straight chick sucks her friend’s titties, does anyone tell her she’s now gay-ed for life? Any dudes getting squeamish and saying they can’t pooooosibly date her now? Um…. nope. Experiment away, kids!

But straight dudes? Oh, man. You gotta watch that shit. Don’t want anyone thinkin’ you’re GAY now, do you?


To check your own reactions to this phenomenon, I highly suggest reading a couple posts at Met Another Frog:

  1. Read this and/or this.
  2. And then read Shawn’s post.
  3. Then check your gut: Did you think the woman were gay? How about Shawn?  ….mmmmmhmmmmm….

I also HIGHLY recommend listening to this recent podcast from Met Another Frog: More Than Pillow Talk 3: Are Bisexual Men Less Masculine? It’s awesome. But, be advised, I wouldn’t listen to it over headphones in a crowded area. Or at work. People might think you’re weird for random outburst of laughter.

Or, just check out what Dan Savage has to say… oh I do love me some Dan Savage.

 

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. August 17, 2011 12:33 pm

    Boy you’re on a roll again Nikki. I’ve often wondered about obvious gender biases in the bedroom and society in general.

    In this case I honestly believe that it’s men’s fear of change and the unknown. For the last few centuries at lest men have pretty much dictated the order of things. Lately though our grip on society had been slipping.

    Women work along side us now and are valued. So in some respects I think the female perceived freedoms are due to this for lack of a better word emancipation.

    Men are scared of change, but the times are moving forward. Every generation is accepting sexual choice a bit more.

    Great post and a shout out to Shawn, it tales big balls to share a story like that.

    • August 17, 2011 2:22 pm

      Thanks, buddy!

      Yeah – I think you have a good point, that there is some fear, mainly based in change going on there. I think this links with our deep-rooted homophobia and sexism still out there – and in places we don’t expect. Part of the reason some men AND women can’t deal with gay men is because it’s a man acting like a woman – and that really plays on our very deep gender issues. Ones that are less than obvious. The fear and change just exacerbate these prejudices for some people…

      But, yeah. It still takes some balls to write a post about gay acts as a straight man. Far less than it does for women. That’s part of the point: women can and do talk about their lesbian desires/experiences and it is often positively received. For men, it’s the opposite. Shawn really put it out there, and I appreciate his story for that reason alone.

  2. August 17, 2011 2:45 pm

    When I was a student I knew this guy with whom I flirted with and one thing lead to another. I remember that when he told me that he once had been with a guy as well that I was totally confused and didn’t understand how he could see himself as straight. Yeah, not one of my better moments… It really rattled my cage and only quite some time later did I realize how cemented the traditional gender roles where in my mind. Now that REALLY made me stop and think.

    It is true; no-one really bats an eyelid if a girl states that she was with another girl at a time. Instead it is seen as “kinky” fun and all that. Most guys I know think it is great.
    Funny how people always talk about equality for all in all senses… not quite the case is it?

    • August 18, 2011 8:14 am

      Hey Ivy! I don’t think your experience in school is unique – I would’ve said the exact same thing once upon a time. The important point is that we eventually reconsidered our earlier gut reactions… and realized it was something deeper…

      Yes – girls-on-girls is something most dudes like, but women will clearly state that previous dude-on-dude action makes someone off-limits for them now. Really interesting stuff that’s actually about gender (IMHO) when you start digging in there deeper… unfortunately, I think there that often, even when you start having that discussion, some women can’t get past their gut reactions.

      It’s just very intriguing, and sad, how deep-rooted our own prejudices and gender roles are sometimes…

  3. August 17, 2011 8:03 pm

    “If a dude slips and falls into a vagina….” Can that actually happen?

    • August 18, 2011 8:14 am

      … so I’ve heard…

  4. August 17, 2011 8:33 pm

    I felt the influence of this one on myself. I feel that I am straight but that doesn’t mean that my desire don’t linger outside of accepted territory of straightness. Do I feel I can act on those desires without significant repercussion from the opposite sex? Not especially after watching a FIne Young Turks videos on Youtube where the girl host was basically straight up about that she would never date a bisexual and that was supposed to be a liberal show?! Imagine if the male host said that he wouldn’t ever date a bisexual girl?

    Part of it is the way society constructs femininity, we tend to be forgiving of women’s flaws because we don’t see women as rational being but rather as expressions of raw nature, and you can’t change or blame nature. Many girls are super sensitive to men lacking what they perceive as masculinity, the other day when I went to some clubs one women called me a faggot and another asked me if I was gay cus I “really gave off a guy vibe.” (That was after I told her I was looking for a girl that was smart and good looking and apparently only gay guys care if a girl is smart?) I think it stems from a stubborn refusal on the part of many women to really own those sides of themselves that are masculine in nature and as a result they are often threatened by any manifestation from men that they consider “feminine”.

    • August 18, 2011 8:29 am

      Hello again! Thank you for continuing to read and comment… I’ve enjoyed what you’ve had to say!

      I would hazard a guess that *many* people have desires that linger “outside the accepted territory of straightness” – both men and woman – and don’t act on them because they’re worried about what other people think. However, I think it is FAR FAR easier for women to explore outside those boundaries than men… But. Men still do it. They only do it very very quietly (which, I think, is a bad thing) – ask any gay dude you know. I would bet they’ve got stories. The problem with that, of course, is it’s all so shameful, closeted, and painful for both.

      You bring up some other really interesting points… One, I also agree that perhaps we’re more forgiving of women, or that women are viewed as more “emotional” or “irrational”… but I also think it has to do with male desire (not actions) as being more acceptable. Women are *supposed* to fulfill male fantasy, whatever that means, and if he wants to see her make out with her friend, then she should. This may be part of why women who have no out-of-bounds desires still make out with their friends, and why women are “allowed” to experiment.

      However. That is still men desiring women – again very much part of the male gender role. In fact, maybe desiring more than one woman means he’s even more of a man…? But he cannot have desires for other men – that’s what women do.

      Plus, this is still only about male desires (for the traditionally appropriate female). I used to wonder why men like girl-on-girl, but women don’t like boy-on-boy… and then I realized… I actually like boy-on-boy. I think gay porn is freakin’ hot. But.. just see me try to get two dudes to make out (or suck cock) because I like it.

      Finally, your last point about women’s issue. I agree. I think we’re afraid to be seen as “unfeminine” – so perhaps it’s more than deep-rooted gender role identity, but also the worry that we need to be seen as feminine, so we should only want really masculine guys, not someone with the “gay vibe”. There is also a fear of owning our masculine side, of blurring those gender roles in our own lives. I would bet there is also a lot of women who are afraid to “come out” as tops in BDSM, while it’s much easier to say you want to be a submissive.

      Whole other posts in here, for sure…

  5. August 18, 2011 8:52 am

    Experiment, shmexperiment. I’m just trying to lure you into my hovel of an apartment for a six hour make-out and dry-humping marathon.

    Also, well-written, as always.

    • August 21, 2011 10:50 am

      Oh, Ken. How did you know. I love dry-humping marathons!

  6. August 19, 2011 8:14 pm

    This is soooo true.

    I’ve ALWAYS wondered why that was? I mean, a guy can’t even wear a deep-V neck without “uh oh, he’s gay” …. and?

    But there is NO SUCH THING as male gay experimentation. if you even THINK about experimenting you’re gay, apparently. But women, it’s like, bring it on..

    why why why.

    • August 21, 2011 10:53 am

      Why? Homophobia that’s really we-can’t-break-out-of-our-gender-roles! and some the ladiez be submissive thrown in. And some insecurity too.

      But yeah. There really isn’t such a thing. And it’s bullshit. Talk about a double standard.

  7. Because permalink
    September 5, 2014 10:43 pm

    Because bisexual and gay men have a higher rate of recidivism than bisexual women and lesbians do. Statistically, once a man who is curious about sucking or taking a cock sucks or takes one, he becomes fully gay and never returns to vagina. Women are less absolute.

    I know it’s tempting, but don’t believe the internet when it tells you men and women are the same. We are different, our sexuality is different, and once a man tries gay, he usually stays gay.

    That’s why, Charlie Brown.

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