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The Blow Off, Part Two: Deal with it.

January 13, 2011

Disclaimer: I can only offer my personal viewpoint on this. I am a woman, and most of the discussions I have on this subject are with other women. Please add to the discussion…


In my last post, I discussed why I dislike the Blow Off, especially when guys decide to pretend they’re not blowing you off by fucking it up with random texts and/or phone calls.


In response, Bob made a very good point: women do this shit too. It’s not necessarily a male-only problem. We could all learn honesty and to treat one another as adults.


Jacks also made a very good point: Sometimes honesty is a very hard pill to swallow. I don’t think it’s ever really that great to hear someone else isn’t all that into you.

Given these points, I thought I’d write a lil follow-up. Well, this post.



If we want honesty from others, we should do two things:

  1. Recognize the difficulty (for those of us who are not complete doucebags) to be up-front. No one likes to tell someone something potentially shitty. It takes balls to do it. I haven’t always been good at this when faced with it, and it took a real bitchy Blow Off to remind me.

  2. Perhaps more importantly, we need to be prepared to accept the honesty, when it actually happens.

People are allowed to decide they’re not that into you. They’re allowed to change their minds and fall out of love. I know it blows, but this shit happens every day. You’ve got to accept the reality of the situation when this happens. You can be upset, angry, sad, and generally pretty pissed off, but you know what? The other person no longer has to deal with your shit. You need to handle it yourself, especially if you’d prefer them be honest than fake it.


I advise three things:

  1. Bitch/cry/complain/lament to your friends all you want. That’s what they’re there for. They are also there to tell you when enough is enough and to help you move on, too.

  2. Resist the urge to bitch/cry/complain/lament to the person who ended things. It’s not their problem any more. It’s nice if you can have a conversation, I suppose, but this should be something constructive, not a chance to repair anything. If the other person is over it? The best way to keep you from doing the same is by engaging them in any way. In fact, the best time to have any kind of conversation about why things ended (if you need that – and it should only be for your own self-reflection) is in the future. Not now.

  3. Figure out if you need to take it personally: If there are some things you really should change? Then do it. If not? Than do your best not to allow another person’s interest in you define how you see yourself. This can be really difficult, no doubt about it. But, sometimes we don’t like the end of things more because we’re so afraid it reflects negatively on us than whether we really wanted the thing itself. Realize it doesn’t have to be about us – although it may be a great time for self-reflection.

I understand that there are reasons we want to engage someone, why we want to scream at them and cry at them and throw a tantrum. Or just send a bitchy text in response. A good one is if they haven’t been straight with you all along and you feel like they’re pulling the rug out from under a really good thing.

I also understand that sometimes we have a really hard time letting go – and that we want some closure (ohhh isn’t that a word we just looooove). I’m sorry – but it’s time to wake up to this harsh reality: there is no such thing as closure. At least not when you expect it from another person. That shit comes from inside – you can’t get it from someone else (trust me – I’ve tried).

Look. YES it sucks when a person you care about has been feeding you bullshit and allowing you to think they’re into something they’re not. YES that means they’re an asshole. HOWEVER this should only be more evidence that they are someone YOU should be through with, too. Not evidence for trying to stop the end from happening. And no, telling them what an asshole they are isn’t going to help them not be an asshole. Really. Go ahead, if you need to, but it won’t change anything.

Plus – I’m getting a bit off-topic here. I’m not talking about dealing with the Blow Off from Douchebagery. I am (supposedly) talking about dealing with honesty from someone who’s probably not in the Douchebagery category.


The bottom line? It takes two to tango. If one person decides they’re done dancing? Aside from knocking them unconscious and dragging their limp body around the dance floor, you can’t continue on your own. And even if you do? They end up pretty heavy and people just start looking at you funny.

It’s not like I am telling you the end of things shouldn’t hurt. It probably will. But what I am saying is, if we want to date like “adults” – we should act like adults when the dating stops, too.


If the person ending it is being honest with you –  this is how you repay them in kind.

 

 

 

27 Comments leave one →
  1. January 13, 2011 9:07 am

    Great follow-up. Things not to do: send 32 text messages in an hour. Send flowers to the office. Offer to pay for a romantic vacation getaway. Send (more) nude pictures. All things that have happened to me and things either gender is capable of.

    oxo
    JFB

    • January 13, 2011 12:42 pm

      Exactly. It’s better to take a step back and reflect, especially on why you actually want to send 57 text messages, flowers, tickets, or 23 more nude pics. That isn’t solving a thing.

      Glad you enjoyed the follow-up – I’m hoping to be balanced here!

    • January 14, 2011 12:48 pm

      “send 32 text messages in an hour. Send flowers to the office. Offer to pay for a romantic vacation getaway.”

      Wow, have people no pride? That is beyond licking the bottom of someone’s shoe. No wonder you ended the relationship and did it by way of easing your way on out. There was probably a fair chance that you’d end up in somebody’s basement tied up and strapped to a cyanide IV.

      No less than obsessed psycho comes to mind here.

  2. January 13, 2011 10:40 am

    Good follow up there Nikki. I am right behind you in believing that across the board adults should start acting like adults.

    Do I have a perfect track record in this regard, of course not, but who does. Like you said it’s shitty to wake up next to someone one morning and realize that they really skeve you out.
    But it can, does and will happen. How we deal with it is all up to us.

    We can each only control one person in life, ourselves. We can’t flick a magic switch and make someone less creepy or make them want to love us more than they are. But what we can do ourselves is limit the damage we do to someone else.

    Take responsibility for our own actions and NOT play the blame game.

    Good on you for this one.
    Bob

    • January 13, 2011 12:46 pm

      “We can each only control one person in life, ourselves” <– yes yes YES. That's it, nothing else.

      But – second point is also well-taken: "…what we can do…is limit the damage we do to someone else." That is also something I wish more people thought about, but that they also realized there is a limit to that. On one hand, don't assume all you can do is just disappear – you can behave differently to help out in the long-run (e.g. Amy's bf, the Douche Canoe, could have told her he had a GF, or called the ex-gf and told her about Amy… )

      On the other hand? You can only do so much. I think taking responsibility is the key.

  3. January 13, 2011 12:22 pm

    “The other person no longer has to deal with your shit.”—Exactly.

    I totally agree with you on #2. When something ends, cut off all contact for awhile. It doesn’t help either person to constantly relive and rehash things.

    • January 13, 2011 12:47 pm

      Oh absolutely. This can feel like the most difficult thing ever, but is completely necessary for both parties – the dumped and the dumpee.

      I’ve tried to keep up contact, to figure shit out by talking – and it absolutely does not work. I just gave myself a good couple more months of dramatic bullshit I didn’t need.

  4. January 13, 2011 2:42 pm

    Honesty is the only way to go forward, even if it means the other person will feel really hurt and shit. Yes, it is always shitty when you get dumped. Yet it can be equally horrible if you are the person having to tell someone that you have fallen out of love with them, especially if you have been in a relationship for a longer time. Still, prolonging it (unless you are trying to work on the relationship together) is worse for all parties.

    Relationships are harder because you have to compromise and find a way to be together without losing yourself but without honesty it is already doomed.

    Isn’t this a cheerful comment….

    • January 13, 2011 2:57 pm

      I know, right. Oh, look at Nikki, spreading joy and happiness ’bout the interwebs…

      BUT. There is positive…ness (yikes) here too! Because honesty leads to trust… and trust leads to better relationships, etc. And we can all use a lil more honesty, and more things to trust in this world. In addition, if we can learn to deal with the dumping, in terms of what it means for your own self-image, that’s a pretty positive thing too.

      Right??? Right.

      • January 13, 2011 3:14 pm

        Self-realization, honesty, trust and improving self-image… is all positive. :) The glass is half-full really.

  5. January 13, 2011 6:01 pm

    Women definitely do this shit, too. I went out on five (seemingly) perfect dates with a girl, including three lovely nights. And after the third night, I made her blueberry-chocolate pancakes for breakfast before she left. We lingered at the door making out, talking about when we’d see each other next. And then I didn’t hear from her. For four days. And then she dumped me in an EMAIL in which she said, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t want to waste her time on me. Awesome.

    As you said, people have the right to change their minds. My complaint wasn’t what she did, but how she did it. She could have been an adult and been honest and told me how she felt in person. And not been Queen of the Douchebags. (Also, I could have lived without her subsequent emails telling me how “awesome” I am – but that’s another story.)

    • January 13, 2011 7:05 pm

      Who was this crazy lady??? You had me at blueberry-chocolate pancakes!

      Could not agree with you more on that Bullcrap. There is a very distinct line between dealing with rejection from a the person who is trying to be honest, and has been all along, and the Douchebagery (of which that lovely lady is Queen – one of many, unfortunately) that pretends they’re into you – and then shits all over whatever it was they got you started on.

      She could have been an adult and been straight, not only in person, but also with the whole used-you-for-your-awesome-pancakes. I think this touches on something else I really dislike: people who aren’t all that in touch with their emotions AND/OR don’t think too much about them or how their behavior affects other people.

      I have a few Queens of this nature in my past, too. Crazy people, every last one.

      Of course – the bottom line is still the same: nothing we do can make them less Crazy or Douchebagish. Best is to try to pick yourself off, dust your heart off, and do your best to know that it really wasn’t you (because if it was and they were a rational adult? None of the bullshit they didn’t mean/horribly bitchy email for no reason). And move the fuck on.

      Not saying it’s easy – I’ve done my fair share of flippin’ shit. Just saying it never got me anywhere but more hurt.

      PS yeah… what’s with the 180? Multiple personalities?

      • January 15, 2011 11:22 pm

        Yeah, you really nailed it – some people are thoughtless and can’t comprehend how their actions affect others, both positively AND negatively. I can deal with breakups. They’re not ideal, but that’s life. What really shocked and upset me about this one was how cruel she was.

        I never figured out what this girl’s problem(s) was. But I do know this: It had nothing to do with me, and I just wandered unknowingly into her shit storm. And she did me a favor in the long run, because she’s not the sort of person I want in my life.

      • January 17, 2011 11:01 am

        Yep – breaks up are life. Shit is shit, and there’s really no excuse for it.

        Unfortunately, end result is the same – you have to move on. Even if the shit feels worse, you’re exactly right: “It had nothing to do with me, and I just wandered unknowingly into her shit storm. And she did me a favor in the long run, because she’s not the sort of person I want in my life.”

  6. January 13, 2011 6:35 pm

    i think one thing that could possibly be worse then your examples is the person who doesn’t fall off the map – no they are quite present and leading you to believe their intentions are different then they are.

    they don’t want to be with you in the end. but they don’t want to be alone in the moment.

    in my early twenties i did this to another person and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

    • January 13, 2011 7:09 pm

      OMG that is a whole n’other post inofitself.

      The additional shitty thing about that sitch? YOU have to be the one to walk away from someone who swears this minute they care so much about you… when they probably don’t. At all, really. YOU have to do all the work there. And that BLOWS. Just another kind of blowing.

      You know, I feel like we get some kind of pass for our early twenties. I’ve been a real bitch, too. I think I didn’t grow half of my brain until I was about 25. OK – maybe not a pass, exactly, but as long as you learned from it? And don’t do it again? Then that helps – and does set you apart from those that continue the pattern.

  7. Anonymous permalink
    January 16, 2011 4:20 pm

    At Anna’s comment:
    Yup, this was done to me til I had to walk away, as hard as it was. Guess what, second best is never enough, we have to watch out for ourselves. Yet I think most of us can sense trouble in paradise, we just have to admit the hard truth and move on. We can usually learn a lot and self improve from failed trysts.

    • January 17, 2011 11:03 am

      The only person you can truly watch out for is yourself. You can watch out for others too – but it is rarely at the expense of your own well being, mentally, physically, or emotionally.

      And yes – we usually know when shit is hitting the fan – it’s just really difficult to admit it sometimes. The key is learning to do that, and as you point out, always learning something more too.

  8. Foreigner permalink
    January 17, 2011 4:37 pm

    Relationships are tough and brake-ups even tougher!!
    When someone has the guts to tell you to your face he no longer want’s to see you, you might get angry or confused but in the end you’re gratefull for his honesty. Cause we all know beeing honest isn’t easy at all, it requiers balls!! you migh even end up friends after a while (maybe years or more…) buuuuuuuuut if you are not honest with the dumpee he has all the right in the world to throw shit at your face and call you a dick.
    Violence however is not accepted. Just ugly words when you find out your significant other is the biggest d-bag in the world.

    Ohh and i totally agree on this “We can each only control one person in life, ourselves”
    Sometimes we have problems deeling with ourselves…i can’t imagine how hard it would be if we had to control the other partie too =)

    nice post!

    I’ll keep an eye on you.

  9. James permalink
    December 30, 2013 8:39 am

    LOL, just my two cents…

    This idea that you’re absolved from being an inconsiderate idiot because you “took responsibility for your feelings” (apparently solely by recognizing them?) is utterly ridiculous. These people who continually make damaging decisions and then preach about self-forgiveness are far and away the worst people on the planet.

    All I have to say is “it’s on”. You want a fight to see who can be the biggest jerk? I’m your worst nightmare. Coming your way, ladies.

    • January 3, 2014 4:05 pm

      … wait… what?

      Ummmm I don’t quite understand this comment. This blog post is about when other people decide to be honest and break up with you INSTEAD OF blowing you off, then you should be equally mature and accept their honesty, even if it totally sucks and you don’t want to break up.

      I agree that saying “I know I’m being a jerk but…” doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be a jerk. You’re actually more of a dickbag if you use an acknowledgement of your behavior as an excuse. However, that wasn’t what this post was about AT ALL (perhaps actually read it? Or don’t leave comments on posts you don’t want to read?). Yet even in the context of this post, if someone is breaking up with you by saying “hey, it’s not you it’s me….” then that may make them a bag of dicks (for many reasons) but freaking out at them, or trying to talk them out of it, doesn’t change a thing. Someone not into you, regardless of how they handle that or what they say about it, is still someone not into you. Best to be angry and upset with friends, not them (because what’s the point), and let them go. It’s not up to you to fix the bad behavior of others, particularly if they CLEARLY don’t want to change it – you can only change your own behavior, and the people you choose to give time, energy, and emotion to.

      All that said… please refrain from fighting on who can be a bigger jerk. It’s unbecoming. Do it somewhere else.

      (And, ps, my advice to any ladies who are in your way, would be to let you just keep going. Why anyone would think we want to deal with your bad behavior is beyond me.)

  10. S. Jones permalink
    February 25, 2014 8:41 am

    It sucks to get blown off. It’s pretty harsh, especially when it is from someone who is/ used to be kinda close to you. Anyway, the best thing is, the minute I realised I was getting blown off, I came across this article and trust me, it’s given me some clarity. I think I’ll get over this, but seriously, future meetings are going to be extra awkward. But hell, that’s life, right? Anyway, here I am blubbering like a fool, when all I wanted to say was thanks, and ask you if you have any suggestions as to how I could go about all future interactions.

Trackbacks

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