The Blow Off, Part Two: Deal with it.
Disclaimer: I can only offer my personal viewpoint on this. I am a woman, and most of the discussions I have on this subject are with other women. Please add to the discussion…
In my last post, I discussed why I dislike the Blow Off, especially when guys decide to pretend they’re not blowing you off by fucking it up with random texts and/or phone calls.
In response, Bob made a very good point: women do this shit too. It’s not necessarily a male-only problem. We could all learn honesty and to treat one another as adults.
Jacks also made a very good point: Sometimes honesty is a very hard pill to swallow. I don’t think it’s ever really that great to hear someone else isn’t all that into you.
Given these points, I thought I’d write a lil follow-up. Well, this post.
If we want honesty from others, we should do two things:
- Recognize the difficulty (for those of us who are not complete doucebags) to be up-front. No one likes to tell someone something potentially shitty. It takes balls to do it. I haven’t always been good at this when faced with it, and it took a real bitchy Blow Off to remind me.
- Perhaps more importantly, we need to be prepared to accept the honesty, when it actually happens.
People are allowed to decide they’re not that into you. They’re allowed to change their minds and fall out of love. I know it blows, but this shit happens every day. You’ve got to accept the reality of the situation when this happens. You can be upset, angry, sad, and generally pretty pissed off, but you know what? The other person no longer has to deal with your shit. You need to handle it yourself, especially if you’d prefer them be honest than fake it.
I advise three things:
- Bitch/cry/complain/lament to your friends all you want. That’s what they’re there for. They are also there to tell you when enough is enough and to help you move on, too.
- Resist the urge to bitch/cry/complain/lament to the person who ended things. It’s not their problem any more. It’s nice if you can have a conversation, I suppose, but this should be something constructive, not a chance to repair anything. If the other person is over it? The best way to keep you from doing the same is by engaging them in any way. In fact, the best time to have any kind of conversation about why things ended (if you need that – and it should only be for your own self-reflection) is in the future. Not now.
- Figure out if you need to take it personally: If there are some things you really should change? Then do it. If not? Than do your best not to allow another person’s interest in you define how you see yourself. This can be really difficult, no doubt about it. But, sometimes we don’t like the end of things more because we’re so afraid it reflects negatively on us than whether we really wanted the thing itself. Realize it doesn’t have to be about us – although it may be a great time for self-reflection.
I understand that there are reasons we want to engage someone, why we want to scream at them and cry at them and throw a tantrum. Or just send a bitchy text in response. A good one is if they haven’t been straight with you all along and you feel like they’re pulling the rug out from under a really good thing.
I also understand that sometimes we have a really hard time letting go – and that we want some closure (ohhh isn’t that a word we just looooove). I’m sorry – but it’s time to wake up to this harsh reality: there is no such thing as closure. At least not when you expect it from another person. That shit comes from inside – you can’t get it from someone else (trust me – I’ve tried).
Look. YES it sucks when a person you care about has been feeding you bullshit and allowing you to think they’re into something they’re not. YES that means they’re an asshole. HOWEVER this should only be more evidence that they are someone YOU should be through with, too. Not evidence for trying to stop the end from happening. And no, telling them what an asshole they are isn’t going to help them not be an asshole. Really. Go ahead, if you need to, but it won’t change anything.
Plus – I’m getting a bit off-topic here. I’m not talking about dealing with the Blow Off from Douchebagery. I am (supposedly) talking about dealing with honesty from someone who’s probably not in the Douchebagery category.
The bottom line? It takes two to tango. If one person decides they’re done dancing? Aside from knocking them unconscious and dragging their limp body around the dance floor, you can’t continue on your own. And even if you do? They end up pretty heavy and people just start looking at you funny.
It’s not like I am telling you the end of things shouldn’t hurt. It probably will. But what I am saying is, if we want to date like “adults” – we should act like adults when the dating stops, too.
If the person ending it is being honest with you - this is how you repay them in kind.