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my two cents on exes. the crazy ones any way.

April 22, 2010

Saw a pic of my most recent ex with her new GF. Well. Assuming anyway.

Ok first of all… that girl? Seriously? She is, for lack of a better word, a skank. She is one of the girls my ex decided to fuck while still sleeping with me (and somehow tried to rationalize it when I found out by saying the girl will fuck anyone…?) … and in a relationship (oh sorry not supposed to call it that) with Boat Girl (even though, of course, my ex had yet to tell me about BG at all).

And. Let’s not forget how this new girl tried so hard to be sly and hit on me every time my ex’s back was turned WHILE IN MY EX’S BAR.

GOD lesbians can be SO annoying. And incestuous. JESUSmaryandjoseph.

Anyways. So yeah. That. But also…

Why the fuck does this even remotely bother me?

I mean… it’s been… well. Ok. It’s been a year this month since we officially broke up (after yet another drunken episode from my ex – did she really have to be so cliché? Just because you own a bar…) But. We didn’t really stop sleeping together til… August? (I swear I cannot explain it other than 2 female libidos = if there is a bed in here we are going to have sex in it – no matter what the fuck just happened. Apparently.) So… August is the REAL end of things and when I finally woke the fuck up, got off the Crazy Train, and told her I no longer wanted to speak to her.

Sidenote: How is it possible that some people can be so fucking normal in relationships and then turn on the fucking Crazy when it ends? WTF is that? Your best behavior is only set to Normal, but when you aren’t in it any more you turn into a complete psycho? And, because I have no idea wtf is going on, or expect it from you given all that Normal, you take me down with you?

Did I mention that lesbians can be incredibly annoying?

But – it’s not just girls. And it’s not just my experience. But I digress (that never happens).

So… why does this bother me? I sure as fuck don’t want her back in my life. I don’t want that crazy bitch any where near me (you have to trust me that this is not some form of bitterness or spite talking – how DID she fool me for six months??)

Does it bother me? I mean, in addition, she can’t be alone so this is not exactly new.

Why do you suppose we react this way to people that hurt us like this?

Why do we try to hang on to people that don’t treat us the way we would treat them?

Why do we give second and third chances when one was cah-learly enough?

Why are we so upset when the people leave – who so obviously did not deserve to stay?

Why do we crave another conversation? Why do we want to be contacted… even though we don’t actually want to hear from the person and know full well it would just create drama? (Mainly because the crazies typically… stay crazy. People don’t just change.)

It’s like we want the other person to live out this song but… then we would be being chased down the street by a drunk crazy person. How does THAT make sense.

Do we just actually love the drama?

I have to argue no. I don’t think that I do. I don’t think that my sister and my friends do either.

Unfortunately, I think it’s a bit deeper than that.

I think we want to be validated. We would, despite everything, prefer to believe the lies we were told than the truth. About a person… about a relationship…

I think it is because we, at least, actually did feel. We actually meant what we said and wanted to be with this person (a lot of people fall in love with relationships, not people, but that’s for another time). We also thought the person we felt these things for was who they told us they were (or who we assumed they were because of how they acted… or who we wanted them to be…)… and we lose that person when it turns out they’re, ya know… crazy. Or a child. Or whatever.

It also really fucking hurts to see such blatant disregard for our feelings from this person who said they cared about us. The thing is, of course, that they didn’t really care about us – at least not as deeply or as explicitly as either of us thought they did (they can believe what they said too, it’s just they don’t even know they don’t mean it… does that make sense?) However. Even though we understand these things in our rational minds, we want them to stop not-caring about us, we still want them to somehow prove that they did.

But that validation is never going to happen. Those lies will never become truth. You just have to deal with it. The person we feel things for doesn’t exist – we’ve lost them. This is who that person is. Take it or leave it… well, just leave it.

Realizing this does not make anything feel better. Unfortunately. Doesn’t make seeing pictures or learning things, or dealing with who these people really are, any less fucking difficult.

So. All it can do is give you something to tell yourself over and over again until these things do start to heal and feel better. The realization is only helpful for telling ourselves the truth – even if our hearts don’t want to believe it and we don’t feel it. The strength in that is knowing (even if we can’t yet believe it) that what we actually want from this person is not to see them or talk to them, because they will just hurt us again. Underneath that feeling, we want them to validate how we feel, especially about them, and to tell us “omg! Someone spiked my water with crazy pills! All better now! I am the person you thought I was!”

But that. Will never. Actually happen.

It is clinging to that truth for dear life that will keep us from making the mistake of chasing after them… or learning not to chase after them (these things can take time). Because that, my friend, is how you get dragged right back on that Crazy Train.

I am over my ex. It was just a moment, but it got me thinking. I think it was… actually the fact that I know I am over her and do not even want to speak to her so… I wondered why do I feel so gross when I see her with _____?

And this is why I think I do – because, even now, I can’t believe she fooled me. Because, even now, when I don’t actually need it any more… it still would be nice to know it wasn’t all a lie. Even if the fact that it was is ok now, it still would be nice to know why, even, she could spend six months with me, say the things she did, and then treat me that way.

It would be nice to know it was ok to care about her. Well. I guess part of the lesson here is learning to be ok with caring about someone, no matter what they did to you. To learn to separate the two – the relationship… and the reality. But, given the reality, to also let it go.

Ah shit. I also think part of it is… the old shit comes back to haunt you more easily when you are feeling… a bit vulnerable. For whatever reason…. Hypothetically speaking… right.

Eh. My two cents (or three pages) on exes. The crazy ones any way.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 22, 2011 5:00 pm

    I can relate to this post oh so so much right now. Was led to it at such the perfect time. Your why questions are so spot on, and you answer: need for validation? Yes! Not wanting to believe I was fooled for so long? Definitely…though part of it was honestly me fooling myself for so long. And you’re right, it’s okay to have cared for someone and started to believe in the relationship (a second time), no matter where it went or how it ended. Letting it go is the best thing for myself because I am not about falling backward into the quicksands of the past but looking forward to the bright lights of my future.

    • September 22, 2011 5:40 pm

      I’m glad you found this post! There really is so much more involved when we try so hard to hang on to people that we need to let go of… if we stop to think about it… in terms of validating how we felt, who we are (especially since we’re probably already vulnerable from all the heartbreak), as well as the relationship itself, all that was said… AND in explaining all the things done in the ending, all the painful words and actions.

      See, we talk so. effing. much. about “closure” – as in, “oh I just need some closure” or “oh I just did/said that because I need closure” but… what better closure is there than THE END? Or someone treating you like crap? What more “closure” do you need? And yet.

      So clearly it’s about bigger, deeper, issues – and needing something else, not closure.

      The bottom line? The things you think you need, you probably won’t get from this person. You have to learn to let go on your own. Eventually.


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