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Newsflash: We can handle your honesty. Bring it.

January 11, 2011

Oh I am just Debbie fucking Downer on the dating world these days (I swear I’ll change mah tune soon…when Other People stop bein stoopid). After my last update on Amy and Sweetness/Douche Canoe, now I’d like to update on Simone and Nerdy McNerdy Pants.

But – I’m going to use Simone’s current situation to make a larger point.

Basically, Simone and Nerdy McNerd went out three (count em) times. The final date ended in a her inviting him in, the two of them jokingly avoiding sex, and then ultimately giving in and doing the deed.

After this… well. Nerdy McNerd bailed on her twice. Both times he had what sounded like perfectly legit excuses, followed by “I really wanna hang out after the holidays – I’m so sorry!” And then the holidays. And then (I think) two random texts. The final one said “Hey hope you’re having a great holiday! I’m stuck in ____ and my phone died – sorry I haven’t been in touch!

Since then? Silence.

Here’s the deal. I fucking hate this shit. Why is it so effing impossible to date like adults around here??

OK. Back up. The thing is this – sure, this could be perfectly fine. Maybe he’s been busy and all is well with the world. All should be well with the world. Simone is planning on calling him like all is well with the world and saying “hey! Hope you had a great holiday! Now that they’re over – let’s get together!” Not because she’s an idiot, but because 1.) she harbors a slim hope that he is an adult and not a douche and has been busy, which would totally be fine (it has been the holidays) and 2.) because, on pure principle alone, she wants to call him like all is well. Because it fucking should be because she should be able to take him at his word and pretend that he is an adult.

But. We both know that all is not well with the world. Simone is being blown off. Why? Who knows. Because she had sex? Maybe – but that’s a rant for another time.

I’m not here to discuss the why of it, but instead what actually bothers me (and Simone): Boys are allowed to do this – the Blow Off. Instead of saying anything or doing anything, they just disappear. Or don’t text back. Or text back randomly.  I already know this bothers Miss Esme, and Jess from City Girls World has dubbed the worst offender of the Blow Off the Ghost Man.

But fine. You know what? I’ll allow the Blow Off. OK? It can certainly be argued as a clear message that you’re no longer into this (for whatever reason). But… if you’re pulling a Blow Off, why not just go through with it?

Why send the random “hey what’s up how’s it going sorry I haven’t called” text?

Or, why call randomly for no real reason?

Or the “I swear I’ve just been busy, please don’t give up on me yet!” response when all we want, at this point, is our fucking Pyrex back.

I’m serious. I want to know why boys do that.

Until it is explained to me, I have a few theories:

  1. They don’t want to be the asshole, and they feel guilty.
  2. They don’t know yet if they want to blow you off, so they’re keeping you around on the back burner.

As for #1, let me explain it for you, if you haven’t already received this memo:  You will be a bigger asshat if you blow us off later, after feigning interest.

#2? Another effing newsflash: Guess what? You are totally allowed to not know if you want to keep dating us. That is completely and utterly your prerogative.

Here’s the thing. Boys? If even one of you is listening right now? PLEASE PAY ATTENTION because I am about to encourage the growth of your nads.

  1. You are allowed to tell us you’re not interested. In this day and age, it is reeeediculously easy to send a text or an email that simply says you’re just that or you’d rather be friends. That is your choice, and even if we’re bummed? That isn’t your problem any more. Yes, we might be angry and upset – and if you’ve given us reason to think you were more interested than you were, that’s kind of a consequence of that behavior. Sorry – man up and deal with it, and maybe, in the future? Don’t spew bullshit you don’t mean. However, in general? People are allowed to lose interest. It just happens. If we’re upset about it, that’s for us to deal with if you’re up-front and tell us about it. Really.
  2. If you can’t possibly grow the balls to send one little text, and you just have to go with the Blow Off? Don’t fuck it up by acting randomly like you’re still interested when you’re not. That just strings us along and makes us overanalyze shit. There’s only so much silence we can misconstrue for you being too busy or too stressed or too tired or dead cell phone. But if you actually text us and tell us a reason why you haven’t contacted us? Or just to say hey? You just fuck us right the fuck up again. For. No. Real. Reason.
  3. We’re actually not all crazy. Sure, as I said, we might be bummed out or a lil irritated if things are over (especially if you spent all Sunday morning cuddling us and getting googly-eyed, and “we-we-we”ing us into relationship oblivion – yes that is a SATC reference – or fucking our brains out, because we, or at least me, are especially saddened/irritated when you stop doing that), but guess what? We’ll probably actually be just fine.  More than likely? We won’t even take that long to get over it, if we’re only just dating (despite the we-we-we-ing). We’re not all idiots who read too much into something. We actually were on the same page – so stop [puffing up your own ego] by thinking we’ll be devastated. And furthermore? Sorry to burst your lil bubble, but our self-worth (despite what you see in the movies, etc etc etc) is not determined by your interest in us. We can actually handle this shit, thanks for the note of confidence.

I think that’s a big reason why this irritates me. Not only because you tricked me into thinking you were a rational adult, but also because you assume I’m not one. That I can’t handle you telling me you’re not interested. Oh, I’m just gonna ignore that one! She might get mad at me or cry!

Shut. Up.

Look. I know girls have a reputation for being crazy. And some of us are. But some of us are driven to it. Because we don’t know wtf is going on.

What would keep us from being all over-analytical and whacky? A little fucking honesty. I think that’s the thing that bothers me so much. If we just had a lil of that, even if it made us kinda sad, in the long run? We’d know exactly what was going on and we wouldn’t have anything to overanalyze.

It’s just not that hard. And I am fucking over boys being able to pull this shit and get away with it. And we get to be the cah-razy girl because we actually do get irritated and all “wtf???” when you can’t find the ability to be honest or grow some fucking balls.

Not necessarily because we were sooooo into you, or because we’re sooooo crazy. But mainly because we expected you to act like an adult. And you can’t be bothered.

Mmmkay? Mmmkay.

PS If you actually don’t know if you’re really into it and it seems like the other person is picking out rings? How about a lil conversation. I think we can handle you telling us you’re not sure or serious. It’s actually a great way to get the relationship back on the same page (*gasp!*). And, if you ask me? I am ok with you not being sure. It’s actually not a problem – you’re allowed to not know. But at least tell us that, instead of pretending like you are.

And if the other person can’t handle it? Maybe she crazy and you need to dodge that bullet, but also maybe you just aren’t communicating and it needs to slow down/end – for both of your sakes.

BUT. Final newsflash: If you follow my simple instructions? You might not actually be seen as the bad guy you’re so worried about us turning you into. Not if the chick is a rational adult (and you haven’t been reading her bullshit). Which (ok here’s my final newsflash) I betcha that awesome lady is.

32 Comments leave one →
  1. January 11, 2011 9:59 am

    Another great post! And thanks for the mention. I agree a thousand times with all of your points. Super well articulated, by the way. And I think you also illustrate well that one of the worst outcomes of the ghosting on a woman is that it so badly screws her ideas of what is normal and polite in the world, that she might just GO crazy when the next guy has to cancel or postpone something for legitimate reasons. Having been ghosted myself on a few occasions, I find it really hard not to jump to the worst conclusions when ANY guy is late, has to reschedule, doesn’t call in a “timely” manner, etc. It’s a bad cycle and it creates the very craziness that they are trying to avoid. Past that, you said it best when you said “grow some balls.”

    • January 11, 2011 12:19 pm

      Exactly! We get the shiite end of the stick because we get all flustered over what the heck happened. AND we’re definitely more apt to jump to those conclusions the next time around – making us more sensitive, when things might just be fine.

      The bottom line is we just want to be able to take other people at their word, and hope they’ll be honest with us. Really – we can handle it and it makes it easier for everyone, even if it’s over. I realize some people don’t behave that way (e.g. they have a mini-freak-out that it’s over), but I think the vast majority of us would. That’s part of why it stings – the assumption that we can’t handle it.

  2. January 11, 2011 10:02 am

    I think any woman who would rather be blown off (even though, like you said, is a text saying you’re not interested that difficult?) than toyed with.

    “She might get mad at me or cry!”

    I’m with you…Grow a pair! I hate when guys use this as an excuse whether it be at the beginning of a relationship or in a well-established one.

    You know what makes me even madder or sadder? When guys don’t speak up!

    • January 11, 2011 12:21 pm

      The Blow Off is absolutely preferred over the random calls/texts just because they feel bad. YES we might get mad or cry, but if you’re honest and always have been? That’s for us to deal with, not you any more!

      Honesty. That’s all I’m askin’ for.

  3. January 11, 2011 10:11 am

    ok, hold the phone.

    i agree whole heartedly with this entire post. but the fact that you just mentioned Pyrex makes me want to marry you.

    I was recently hanging out with a guy friend and there were these random lidded Pyrex bowls in his cabinet and he showed them to me and said, “uh, thanks random blonde girl for leaving these at my house”

    AH hahahaha.

    • January 11, 2011 12:23 pm

      And that’s amazing.

      Are you proposing?

  4. Esme permalink
    January 11, 2011 2:03 pm

    Brava, girlfriend, brava.
    You have just said it all. What happened to all of the real men??

  5. January 11, 2011 3:32 pm

    I’ll go for the “feeling guilty” vote. I honestly think many guys feel guilty and behave like that with the stupid…”might be seeing you later, have been mega busy’ text etc. That way they feel like they are not nasty and when women freak out cos it is such a lame thing then they get all righteous and annoyed and can say that girl was just nuts and weren’t they lucky they ended it…..

    Ehm… needless to say that kind of behaviour drives me insane. I have seen and gotten my fair share of it.

    You are totally right. Women would not freak out if they just got an honest answer straight away. Rather deal with right away than having it dragged out because of some stupid misleading guilt-trip.

    • January 11, 2011 4:35 pm

      I agree with it’s often the “guilty” option. And it ends just as you say it does. I really wish boys wouldn’t do this, and just realize it’s ok… just be honest. PLEASE.

  6. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    January 11, 2011 4:39 pm

    I wish every guy knew this. It seems like common sense… but then again, most of them just don’t seem to get it.

    • January 11, 2011 7:25 pm

      It’s easier to ignore than deal with something – that’s kind of a given across the board with a lot of people in general. I wish more people would handle their shit.

      Despite that? It is common sense. Srsly.

      Hope your world is still awesome! ;D

  7. Sass permalink
    January 12, 2011 5:59 am

    Once again you speak the complete truth. I hate when dudes just can’t man up to the situation. Sometimes I feel like I have bigger balls than some of the dudes I’ve met. Its sad and a little pathetic.

  8. January 12, 2011 11:09 am

    I have to play devils advocate here. Many has been the times that I personally have been dicked (or is that Jane’d) around by a woman who I thought was into me.

    Playing constant phone tag for extended periods of time, her leaving coy messages for me in e-mail or on my machine. Then finally finding out that the whole time she was hanging out in the bars playing the staring roll as town pump.

    It works both ways, sure the asshat in question really has to screw his head on straight but it should be noted that women are also known to wear that particular hat on occasion also.

    • January 12, 2011 12:43 pm

      Oh, Bob. You are absolutely correct. It’s not just the menz that play this game, that is for sure. I think that’s the bigger message – we can all be assholes, and we can all pull the Blow Off. There are many among us who need to learn honesty. And maybe manners, too. We all need to be able to suck it up and speak truth, and to not leave others hanging.

      That being said – I feel like it happens more to women, but that’s just because I am one and I hear more stories like this from women. In addition, I kind of feel like the boys get to pull this off more often – and the end result is not about how not-awesome the blow off was, but the aftermath of it – how much the lady gets all irritated (e.g. crazy) and overanalyzes.

      What do you think? Am I way off?

  9. January 12, 2011 2:19 pm

    Her: I know you’re not looking for a girlfriend right now, and that’s okay. This is what it is. Me: It’s not that I’m not looking for a girlfriend right now, I just don’t see YOU as “that” person.

    You would not believe how honest I’ve been. You also would not believe how poorly it’s taken, every time. The problem with honestly is Manslow’s Maxim: everything looks like a nail when all you have is a hammer.

    Still, honesty is preferred if possible.

    • January 12, 2011 5:26 pm

      Yeah, I have to concede that honesty can be a real bitch. We’re not always that great with it, and that is also true. However, I wouldn’t trade it for the alternative – and stringing someone along never made reality any easier to swallow.

      I thank you for your honesty, even if the other women didn’t quite get it. It’s a tough thing…

  10. Simmarah permalink
    January 12, 2011 3:27 pm

    HONEY! I totally just sent a message to a one night date I had saying to him “I’m going to be honest: I met someone and interested in pursuing things with him”…

    Now, if only men could do this, but I have a theory: They are ALL PUSSIES.

    • Esme permalink
      January 12, 2011 5:52 pm

      They all have this irrational fear of the ‘crazy woman’. If a woman goes crazy…chances are a guy has already driven her there. Maybe women would be more ‘rational’ if men started acting more like…well…men. And men out there, don’t tell me ‘no’. I have heard many convos around the firehouse table about how some dude was going to try to ‘lose this bitch or another’. None tried to be honest! No wonder ‘crazy bitches’ would show up crying, yelling and screaming…

      • Arsepolitico permalink
        September 11, 2011 5:12 pm

        yeah, once my bro talked about how rude this girl was in college, making a date right in front of him when he thought they were in a relationship. I said, “did you talk to her about the ‘relationship'”?

  11. January 13, 2011 5:24 am

    Ooh! Yes, yes, YES! This PISSES ME OFF in a very big way.
    If I can pony-up, put on my big-girl panties, and tell my dates that I’m not interested in seeing them again, I really think it’s about time some of these douchy guys could grow the nads to do the same!

    (Erm, excuse the CAPS and !!. It appears I have very strong -previously unrealised- views on the subject…)

  12. January 22, 2011 11:58 am

    Preach girl, PREACH! I agree with everything you said. I once had a coffee date with a guy, and we just weren’t feeling each other. After he walked me to my car, he told me right then, “There really isn’t a connection. But it was nice meeting you.” I had never been told to my face before. Initially I was surprised, but was then thankful that he didn’t string me along, or play the bullshit games. These days finding an man whose an adult is like waiting for hell to freeze over! SMH!!

    • January 24, 2011 7:46 pm

      Seriously, right? When you actually get honesty, it’s a little shocking – and of course it stings. But the end result is you bounce back so much quicker, you appreciate the honesty in the long run, and there’s no waiting around wondering and overanalyzing bullshit.

      I wish more men understood this.

  13. January 24, 2011 5:12 pm

    YES! A thousand times yes. I am constantly amazed at how many men I dated before meeting M were so NOT upfront and dishonest or just wusses when it came to just saying they weren’t interested or whatever. I swear men never grow up. Most men anyway.

    • January 24, 2011 7:45 pm

      It’s easier to walk than it is to be honest and upfront. The shitty thing, in my view, is because I really believe it’s not that they’re being assholes most of the time, they’re like you said, being babies instead. And end up being bigger assholes in the long run.

  14. Bfortin permalink
    February 6, 2013 7:57 pm

    I think this was an awesome post, what’s funny is I’m a guy and I was wondering why women do the same thing. I am a polite, raised by my grandmother to respect women, a military guy and pilot, as well as educated man, not rich but has nice things and a place to call my house, custody of my son, told I am “amazing” in bed, we all know that can be an embellishment on a woman”s part, but i’ve heard it a lot so i’m going with it, and I’m told I look like Vin Diesal a lot. So I guess I found myself on your post because I don’t really understand why women say I’m the type they want, hand me their number, then blow me off whenever I text.


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