Can’t we bang already?: Balancing social narratives & individual choice.

I met a couple dudes over the weekend. Ok. Not true. I met one dude, and I already knew the other one. Now, I’m not sure how I feel about either one just yet, and I only bring them up to make some larger points.


Basically, long story short (when do I ever really do that?), my interactions (and lack thereof) with these guys made a few kinda clear. Or, rather… re-established a few things that were already abundantly clear.



1. I would prefer to live in a society where asking someone “hey, you wanna just bang?” would be not only acceptable, but perfectly normal.
2. I strongly dislike waiting around for the banging. Vagina Brain says CAN HAS NOW PLZKTHX……[five second pause]…..WHY HAS THE BANGING NOT COMMENCED?

Now. This entire thing actually (strangely) comes back around to what we’ve been discussing on Project X, namely as it pertains to narratives. This is really an example of how narratives operate in our daily lives, and not just around serious shit like sexism or racism or homophobia or privilege (to which, naturally, my VB declares “since when is getting some not serious??”).

They affect how we date and engage in relationships, too.

First off, I need to say that the rest of this post lands solidly within my thoughts on hetero-relationships. In my experience, a whole ‘nother set of narratives surround lesbian relationships and sex, so to attempt to keep it simple and short(er), I’m sticking to the heteronormativity. I know that’s kinda lame, but otherwise we’d be here all day. As you can see with just this paragraph.

Where was I? Oh right. Banging requests.

It’s kinda not really all that super-acceptable for me to just ask some dude if he wants to bump uglies already (and there’s another one – since when are our private parts ugly??). That can, actually, backfire, and it sometimes ends in some running towards those hills over yonder – or in assuming the bumping = relationship-ing. Moreover, even if I don’t straight-up ask, but we end up getting down n’ dirty (is it a “dirty” act really?), he may bail for no other reason than we had sex. For serious.

Why? Well, narratives that tell us the right way to have both 1. relationships and 2. le sexy times.

First, those on relationships: The Rules say you shouldn’t have sex so quickly, because the appropriate way to engage in intimate relationships with others is to date, and date, and date, and date some more (Vagina Brain would like to state, for the record, that this is unacceptable) until you enter into a committed monogamous relationship. First comes love, then comes marriage… Having sex too early in this process is a no-no. And, bee tee dubs in case you were wondering, NSA sex or FWB sex never works so don’t even think about it. Or, rather, it actually ends up in a committed monogamous relationship (thanks for the reality check Hollywood!).

Second, narratives on sex: Basically, Good Girls Don’t. Women should withhold sex from men because men just want sex and if you give it up too early,  how else do you know if a dude likes you? Make him wait, that’s what a Good Girl does. Moreover, how does a dude know you’re not all Slutty McSluttyPants if you have sex too soon? Because, duh, being all Slutty McSluttyPants is bad – guys don’t actually like Slutty McSluttyPantses - again, because Good Girls Don’t so clearly not “good” – and they certainly don’t enter into the Right Kind of Relationships with SlutPants.  They just use McSlutties for the sex, then throw them away.


In addition, sex is just inherently more emotional for women. We say we can handle NSA sex, but we really can’t. Dudes, they have no problem. They can have all the non-emotional sex they want. And also, us ladies don’t really be liking the sex anyways. We just do it for the relationships. Oh, and the babiez. SO the only way sex is ok, and isn’t the girl just getting used for all the sex the dude wants but she doesn’t (not really), is if you manage to wrangle them into the emotional sex/commitment!babies! – so, duhhhhh, make them wait for it!


Furthermore, sex is kinda shameful (hence the “dirty” act of “bumping uglies”) so god forbid we talk about it or have an honest conversation or you know, just. have. some. sex. The conversation makes us uncomfy (because, thanks Society!) and it seems too serious. Too much. We don’t actually talk until we’re in relationships, right? Moreover, anyone else notice how much pressure we’re all under about the sex? Don’t have it – but if you do, make sure you’re a porn star! 

So. Yeah. Those would be some narratives around sex and relationships.  And, NO, I don’t fucking buy that shiz for even a second – BUT other people readily do. Maybe it’s the other people I wanna have some sex with. Maybe it’s the other people those people will talk to, and they will make the people I hump feel bad about the humping.


I think it sucks, but that’s the Society we live in – these are the narratives we live with. Can we and should we be working to change it? Abso-freakin’-lutely. I think that’s a big part of what being sex positive is about – changing all that bullshit to be less about cultural constraints and more about honest dialogue and personal choice.

However – there’s a line to walk here, and sometimes, like it or not, things have to be handled carefully (are you listening VB??).

An e-mail in response to a mini-vent of mine regarding the lack of, er, interaction with these dudes (basically straight from Vagina Brain – I take no responsibility) reminded me there is a reason we have things like narratives (and clichés and stereotypes): They help us navigate the world. Putting people in boxes or categories help us understand our communities and where we stand in them. This is kinda important for how we exist and interact, how we view ourselves in relation to others and the world around us.


With respect to this particular example, that e-mail response reminded me that there is some importance to having some patience and chilling the F out – perhaps not because that’s what Society expects from me, but more importantly because not everyone is like me (in fact, I’d hazard a guess and say most people are not). Most people need some time to get to know someone before they feel comfortable taking the next step  – as an individual choice and not because Society says so. Moreover… might not hurt me to get to know someone a lil better, too (anyone remember T-Bone?)

But it’s a balance, a compromise. Yes, narratives (and clichés and stereotypes) serve a purpose, but they also usually get all out of hand and become harmful to members of a society. They start to stigmatize people into specific categories that are not positive, and to ignore individual differences. They work to rationalize or excuse providing or withholding privilege to or from specific groups.


They make it so I can’t just. have. some. sex. with a willing partner, because he/she may have hang-ups that have nothing to do with what they want, and everything to do with what Society tells them is acceptable.

Yet it’s also not about a pendulum swinging to another extreme. It’s about finding the balance between societal and cultural constructs that are not true or helpful, and true individual choice and comfort.


We can learn to find that balance by 1. being self-aware, and really thinking through what it is we want from life; 2. being culturally aware, and constantly working to ascertain what we’re being told is correct (vs what we know from being self-aware, right?); 3. avoid putting stereotypes and constraints on other people; and, of course, 4. listening to and believing others when they are honest with us (e.g. if I say I just want some NSA sex, don’t assume I really want a relationship because that’s how Society tells you to interpret my words. Please).

This is how narratives may operate in our daily lives and how we interact with people. This is why, even if you don’t really want to care or think about serious things (*AHEM* – augh. you give me a sad), these things still actually do matter to you. They actually are a part of your daily life.

Whether you want to accept that and work to understand it, well, I suppose that is up to you.

Me, I’m going to learn some Patience. It be a virtue.

That…. and watch a lot of porn.

Project X: Privilege, Part II

Welcome to our follow-up on Privilege, dear readers!

In our last post, we tried to talk about what privilege is, how it operates and conceals itself. Admittedly, that may have seemed a lil wonky and abstract to some, but that might be because 1) it’s freakin complicated, peeps!, and 2) privilege may have been getting in the way of clarity (e.g. having privilege makes it hard to see… privilege).


We hope that, despite the wonkiness, you were able to understand a little more about what privilege is (if not, please go back and leave a comment to ask for clarification). This week? We’re talking about how people get conversations about privilege, well, wrong – and what we can all do about it.

Let’s jump right in shall we – and start with unhelpful ways in which people discuss/understand/visualize privilege:

Problem One: Comparing Privilege(s)


First and foremost, if we all experience privilege, more than likely we all experience the shit end of that stick, too. And, you know, we tend to remember the shit end over the privileges we have. As Feminist Father points out: “…mom complaining about how a daycare treated her child doesn’t always need to be reminded at least she has daycare. Just as a dad complaining about how a daycare treats him with his child doesn’t always need to be reminded of how women have it worse, even when that is completely true.”


One way we react when forced to see we have privilege too,  is to jump-start  the Oppression Olympics. What, you’ve never heard of the Oppression Olympics? Well. It’s basically comparing privilege – typically, whether we admit it or not, to “prove” our situation is worse. While this is a fairly normal knee-jerk reaction, it’s also rarely constructive. For one, it devolves conversations into “yes, but” arguments that end up being about your shit and your shit alone. This never gets anyone anywhere, and instead tends to just give everyone some angry. For two, and more importantly, marginalization and discrimination at the hands of privilege is not about comparing. It’s not about who has it worse. As Ozymandias of No Seriously What About Teh Menz? points out – “The point is not to compare who has more shit, but to figure out where the shit is coming from and make it stop.”

Problem Two: Neutralizing Privilege(s)


Privilege is not a balancing act. Having this privilege does not negate that discrimination, neither does being denied that privilege mean you don’t enjoy another kind. For instance, Simone and my race and class privilege does not “balance out” gender discrimination we experience – but gender inequality doesn’t cancel out our race and class privilege either..

Now. Let’s pause here to combine Problem One and Two in order to point out the significant problem with arguments that inadvertently compare different privileges.  A good example? “In the US, a white woman has more privilege than a Mexican man.” While this may appear somewhat true on the surface, the woman’s privilege is about her whiteness, not her gender – nor does her white privilege neutralize gender discrimination she experiences. The statement is a strawman that distracts from conversations about white, male, or nationality privilege by comparing privileges that are different.  The appropriate comparison is the privilege a Mexican man of a specific social standing has compared to a white man of the same social standing.  Apples to apples, people.

Problem Three: I Don’t See Your Privilege (or Lack Thereof), Therefore I Am Evidence It Doesn’t Exist


Belonging to a group that is denied privilege does not automatically grant you the ability to see privilege in others. A vagina does not mean you always see male privilege, just as being Muslim does not mean you always see how Christians have it better. As we said before, 1) privilege is complicated, 2) privilege works to avoid being visible, and 3) we’re all subject to narratives that excuse and rationalize groups receiving or being denied privilege. Even if you belong to group X, you may live within the narrative that hides the privilege of group Y. And/or you may never have experienced a blatant presentation of privilege to Y when it was refused to you. These are the reasons you don’t see privilege – not evidence for the absence of privilege.


Moreover. If a woman says  “I’ve never experienced sexism, so it doesn’t exist!” or a Muslim man says “All my Christian neighbors are kind to me, so there is no religious discrimination!”, these people are using their specific and individual experience as evidence for the experiences of everyone else. In this way, they’re actually more like someone within the privileged group. How does this happen? Because their individual experience is supporting cultural narratives – narratives that say they are the truth about cultural experiences, when we know they are actually fictions. On the flip side, people saying things outside the cultural narrative, no matter how broadly their experience translates, have a much more difficult time being believed – because they are speaking against the narrative, not in support of it.

Problems One through Three are a few significant ways in which conversations about privilege and discrimination are derailed. They keep us from moving forward, from hearing one another, from ascertaining self- and cultural-awareness.

So. What to do?

Start Here: STFU and start listening


If you understand that we all experience privilege differently, that it is hard to see one’s own privilege, and that your privilege may seem like just normal life when it’s not for others, then it follows that you may not be aware of your own privilege. How to see it? Well, have someone else explain your privilege to you. Listen to what other people who aren’t you have to say. In other words, start by just. shutting. up. and open your ears instead.

Step One: Allow others to tell you about your privilege – even though it sucks


Despite our good advice, when you close your mouth and open your ears when someone tells you that you have privilege they don’t, and that this privilege hurts them, it can kinda blow – and may feel false. You don’t recall doing anything to them, and you’re not racist/sexist/homophobic. And, actually, you kinda resent the implication! As such, it’s easy to react: pretend that person is paranoid, or they’re racist against you, or don’t like the menfolk, or need to stop attacking Christmas.


But look – it’s not about you, personally. Having privilege does not make you a bad person. It’s not to make you feel guilty. Really. It’s about society and culture (no one goes around earning privilege, remember?).

So. Take a deep breath. Really. It’s not about you. Understanding that helps with the sucky part – and should help with the listening.

Step Two: Avoid the pitfalls


OK. You’ve been listening and now you want to start engaging. As you do so, take time to be aware of and avoid the problems we talked about initially. If someone else is talking about their experiences, even if it is how your privilege hurts them, that is not the time to explain how some other privilege (even their privilege!) hurts you. In addition, while you deserve the space to discuss your own issues, don’t (for the love!!) use that space to explain/neutralize/compare away other forms of privilege and oppression.


For example: When a black woman tells a white woman that she believes her blackness causes her more discrimination than her gender it is NOT the time for the white woman to jump in that gender is still far more of an issue than race.  Yes, BOTH of these categories have their own sets of privileges or issues (depending on your side of the coin), and it may or may not be statistically true that women – as a whole – have it worse than minorities.  However.  To deny this person the space to discuss their discrimination – to steal it from them – is privilege talking, loud & clear.


Another one: men discussing how they are marginalized by society is really important – but it is not the space, nor the evidence, to say male privilege doesn’t exist. Ya dig?

These are knee-jerks we all have to talking about tough subjects, especially ones that feel very personal. No one is immune to it. Take, for example, the feminist response to “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” or flippant use of the N-word.

The End Game: Work to see your privilege and accept responsibility for it


It is work to see privilege – because we have to STFU, because we have to be willing to hear how others are marginalized and hurt by what we may take to be normal, and because we can’t use our own experiences to say they’re wrong. And all that kinda sucks. It’s hard. We are not trained, as a society, to do any of that very well. However. As a fine, upstanding member of a society, you still have a responsibility to address inequalities within that society. You have a responsibility to address your privilege – because it 1) is denied to others and/or 2) marginalizes others. And none of us want that, do we? No. No we do not.


One critical aspect to keep in mind is that privilege is not all “bad.” As we mentioned last time, some aspects of privilege are such simply because they are denied to others when they should apply to all.  When understanding the privilege you hold, it’s important to see what is positive advantage, that you want to spread to others, and what is negative advantage that causes oppression, and that we want to remove altogether.

Addressing these things means going further than listening and comprehension. As Peggy McIntosh states, “Disapproving of systems isn’t enough to change them. I was taught to think that racism could end if white individuals changed their attitude. But a “white” skin in the United States opens many doors for whites whether or not we approve of the way dominance is conferred on us. Individual acts can palliate but cannot end, these problems.”

See, it’s not just about working to avoid comparing, neutralizing, & dismissing, but it’s also about avoiding silence, avoiding denial – and understanding that all of this is going to work within society regardless of how you feel about it. We need to go beyond our disapproval, even if that is of our own privilege, because the constructs are working without our approval (still not about you!), and often without our full comprehension. Key to enacting cultural change is finding common ground around discussing, addressing, and transforming privilege, instead of remaining in circular conversations, arguing at each other from soap boxes. It is not fighting over who has it worse, but it is determining how we can work together to understand all that shit raining down. On everyone. And make it stop.

We can all change the system – but we need to  accept our responsibility & claim our right – nay our PRIVILEGE  - to do so.

Your thoughts? And thanks for reading!

XX

Nikki & Simone

Recommended Reading


Peggy McIntosh ~ White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack


Kelly Oliver ~ The Colonization of Psychic Space: A Psychoanalytic Social Theory of Oppression

Thanks Jackie.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Reblogged from Women Are From Mars:

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I am aware this is early – but it’s the last time I’m posting before V-day… It was my first year in college when I started thinking a lil differently about Valentine’s Day. At the stroke of midnight, my girlfriends and I ran downstairs to the suite of boys we hung out with and attacked them with shaving cream and candy. We spent the day exchanging silly and ridiculous cards, sending each other candy-grams, and getting more than a lil drunky-pants (hey we were 19 – whaddaya want). None of us spent even a …

Yes, this is my VDay post from last year. Still works.

Projext X: Privilege.

www.blacklava.net

“I want, then, to distinguish between earned strength and unearned power.  Conferred privilege can look like strength when it is in fact permission to escape or to dominate…Some [privileges], like the expectation that neighbors will be decent to you, or that your race will not count against you in court, should be the norm in a just society. Others, like the privilege to ignore less powerful people, distort the humanity of the holders as well as the ignored groups.”

~ Peggy McIntosh
White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

Following closely (…or not that closely) on the heels of our last post on Narratives, we’re moving on to a discussion about Privilege.


First, a reminder on our definition of “privilege”: Refers generally to the – sometimes “invisible’ – special rights or status granted to specific groups in a society, mostly via social structures, on the basis of their sex or gender, race, class, sexuality, etc.

A further definition from brown betty: “Privilege is about how society accommodates you. It’s about advantages you have that you think are normal. It’s about you being normal, and others being the deviation from normal. It’s about fate dealing from the bottom of the deck on your behalf.”


A few additional key distinctions about privilege:


First, in society, it is existing cultural and social hierarchies that, by definition, provide privilege to one group over another. No one goes around giving it out. Moreover, as brown betty points out: “Privilege is not : About you. Privilege is not your fault. Privilege is not anything you’ve done, or thought, or said. It may have allowed you to do, or think, or say things, but it’s not those things, and it’s not because of those things. Privilege is not about taking advantage, or cheating, although privilege may make this easier.”


Second, the people who receive privilege do nothing to be granted such distinction. It is always conferred randomly, through luck or circumstance (e.g. being born white) – not because anyone earned it.


Third, there are many types of privilege, not just those involving race or gender. Privileges can also stem from age, ethnicity, physicality (e.g. physical handicaps or abilities, physical appearance), nationality, religion, sexuality, etc. As such, everyone experiences some form of privilege. Furthermore, privilege can be interconnected, and can behave in a variety of ways. It can vary for specific people in different situations – you can benefit from one type of privilege in one situation, and be marginalized by discrimination in another. All of this, of course, make understanding and discussing it all a lot more complex – but that complexity should be stated upfront.

Now. Privilege may seem like a very tangible thing, an obvious advantage you can see and feel. This isn’t always the case. Like Narratives, Privilege conceals itself – and is meant to conceal itself – from those who have it (Peggy McIntosh makes this point & Hugo Schwyzer makes it here).  Privileges we possess via the cultures we live in are not easily seen by us; they are the by-products of narratives. The fact that, as we’ve discussed, narratives masquerade as cultural truth when they are really nonfiction is one reason why corresponding privilege can be invisible to those who have it.  Another reason is those who have privilege experience it is as part of their normal lives, it is not something that stands out as a benefit. It’s also not having to deal with discrimination or judgement from others.

To try and make all this more clear, some examples of how Simone & I experience privilege: As white women from middle class families, we don’t generally have to worry about people being fearful of us, hateful towards us, thinking that we’re lazy, dirty, illiterate, incapable of taking care of ourselves, or undeserving of our education or even US citizenship. One day, should we so choose, we may be assumed to be better parents than our partners – but, of course, only if we choose to marry men. We do nothing to be granted these presumptions, but our skin color, class, age, lack of physical handicaps, and [assumed] sexuality mean we are not included in narratives that would say otherwise about someone with a different skin color, class, age, physicality or sexuality.


These presumptions allow us to operate more freely in situations and aspects of our lives. Some of this we may be aware of, especially if it is contrasted to how someone treats another person, and some of it may be subtle or things we simply don’t experience.

How do our privileges operate and yet conceal themselves? Well, three points. One, we are often taught that  ‘isms are very clear, very hateful, very visual things. They’re the KKK, blatant misogyny, and Mathew Shepard. It’s easy to believe this when you don’t experience them, and it’s equally easy to say you don’t participate in the ‘ism if you don’t do these big, bad, visual things. However. Privilege is often far more subtle than that, but can be just as oppressive. It specializes in microaggressions – or as Chester M. Pierce, who coined the phrase, defines it: “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of other races.” These statements and comments only seem innocuous if you don’t experience them but they are constantly upholding narratives about which race, class, gender, sexuality, religion, etc etc etc is ”the norm” – or is better – and which is the Other and outside the norm. If we have the privilege, we may actually make such statements without realizing their detriment, and we don’t have to deal with them on a regular basis.


Two, aspects that are part of the dominant, or “normal”, identity (for Simone and I – our race, class, physical attributes), reside within narratives that tell us they’re normal and good – even though we may not realize it. See, we don’t typically acknowledge the dominant identity as an identity;  we don’t talk about “whiteness”, just as we may not need to explain “straightness” or “maleness”. Contrary to some opinion, this is not, actually, a sign that you’re marginalized or less understood within a culture.  If privileged, your group doesn’t need to be specifically acknowledged or re-defined because it is the dominant identity.  These traits are never seen of as an “other” thus don’t require specific acknowledgement and definition. For example, “flesh colored” is always really “Caucasian flesh colored”, and white kids always have a white role model. We don’t need a White History Month, because our history is already white (and if you think that is because, well, white male Europeans were the dominant history makers in the US, then yes. Exactly. That’s the privilege, and not reality, talking).


Three, privilege and dominant identity traits also mean race/class/sex/gender/sexuality/physical abilities/religion/etc are not constantly a part of who you are and your life. If we screw up, we’re not told it’s because we’re a certain race/class/sex/gender/sexuality. Moreover, if we do well, we’re not discussed as a credit to a said group.  Our lives, our accomplishments, or our shortcomings are about who we are as individuals, instead of our merits and/or our downfalls commenting on or being in contradiction of something about the larger group.

In contrast, a person from a non-dominant identity may be expected not do well because they are X. If they do well, it’s because they’re an exception to society’s expectations for group X.


Ever heard “you speak English well [for a latina]”? Or “you’re so articulate [for a black man]”? Or, the infamous “Gawd you’re being bitchy – must be that time of the month, or do you just need to get laid?” Yeah – Nikki/Simone and I only ever hear the last one. (#microaggressions)

We know this is getting a bit abstract for some readers. The interesting thing, of course, is that we’re pretty sure those in group X have no problem understanding, and those in “the norm” or with the privilege are the ones to grapple a bit more. It seems abstract if you’ve never experienced it – and if you’ve never experienced it? Well, dear reader, therein lies your privilege.

To conclude on a positive note, we want to make clear that, as Peggy McIntosh points out in the quote that began this post, privilege isn’t all “bad”. Some privilege, like your neighbors not being fearful of you or expecting to get a job based on your personal merits, shouldn’t be privilege, but uniform to how all people – regardless of race, religion, class, gender, sexuality, physical ability, etc – are treated! It’s providing only some people with this treatment – due to privilege – that makes it a raw deal.

So, what to do? Come back next week and we’ll start there: discussing how we can talk about and understand privilege better, and what we can each do to make a difference. Acknowledging the existence of privilege and comprehending how it operates is only the first step.

Recommended Reading/Related posts

Peggy McIntosh: “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.”

Feminist 101: What is Male Privilege?

brown betty on Live Journal: A primer on privilege: what it is and what it isn’t.

Microagression.com

Jamie Utt: ““Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” – Racism or Critical Cultural Commentary?“

Clutch: Not Everyone’s Laughing at Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls


And also this LOLz from Louis CK:

On vacation…

*** POSTS UP:

Good Men Project: “What if ‘A Day in the Life’ was… Your Life?“

Met Another Frog: “Unromantically in Love“

Otherwise… things a bit rough over here in my lil world. Sorry to be MIA but will be back soon, I swears!

Hi kittens,


I am on family vacation this week. Initially, Simone and I had hoped to have our next Project X post ready, but we both have day jobs that demand (demand!) our attention so we just couldn’t get it done.


We’re sorry!


Next week, we’ll be back and we’re talking P-R-I-V-I-L-E-G-E. This is, again, a huge topic, and pretty contentious. It also appears that not everyone really understands what that might be. Hopefully we can clear some things up, and get an interesting conversation going. Please check back!


In the meantime, two things:




1. To get ya started, read this awesomesauce post on privilege by Feminist Father: Having Privilege is Tough




2. I learned a new term last week: Microaggression. They are connected to both narratives and privilege, so if you have time, I encourage you to learn about them, check out some examples, and read the posts that got me thinking about them:

Change from Within: “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls” – Racism or Critical Cultural Commentary?

Clutch: Not Everyone’s Laughing At “Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls”


Read up if you have time, leave comments on your thoughts – and check back next week. Also – I’ve got posts coming up with the Good Men Project and Met Another Frog so stay tuned for those too!


Take care,

Nik