Waxin’ philosophical on “the one”…
So thought I’d better write a follow up. Or, rather, just effing felt like writing a follow up. Yeah… I’m a lil angsty these days. Just a smidge.
Even though there are options. Things are not set in stone, nothing has really been decided. Yet. I have no idea what will happen next, or where I’ll be in six months. Where Canada will be. Most days, when a lil less angsty, I feel pretty optimistic about things. Most days, actually, I just don’t worry about.
You know, it’s interesting. The things you can still learn. For instance, this thing (yeah yeah “relationship” shuddup) with Canda has made me really, for the first time evah, understand this whole concept of “the one”. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still in no way believe in soul mates and all that crap, but… I comprehend why people believe in them – and not just because they’re shoved down our throats as “true love” and something we’re all supposed to aspire to. I understand how people feel that one person is “the one” in the sense that… you really can’t imagine being with someone else. Or, rather, you really really don’t want to. Not because they are some other half you’ve spent your whole life trying to find but because… well, yeah. You’d just rather hang out with them. The whole but there are other fish in the sea! is just not comforting.
But… it is about that time in your life. Whether or not we want to admit it, it is about who we are, and who they are, and where we both are in our lives. In that moment. In that time.
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? The thing we have so much trouble with.
The admitting that, while in that moment and in that time, that person felt like “the one”… it wasn’t because they were our other half. It is admitting that’s not how this work and that things, and people, change. Even how we feel about this person that is so so important to us now. Even that will change, if it needs to and we allow it – one day, they won’t feel like “the one” any more, if we stop acting like there’s only one, and they were it.
Don’t get me wrong. This makes me pretty sad right now, actually. Yep, still angsty. Or that I don’t want to change, or have to say goodbye to this awesome dude who is smart and fun and independent and makes me laugh and thoughtful and compassionate and who I can talk to about pretty much anything. Who listens and thinks before he speaks, and considers other viewpoints, even though he can be stubborn and opinionated. This man who has been a very grounding force in my world and I know we will fight about something eventually. Eventually. Shit.
But… my world does not revolve around him, nor does his around me. We have other priorities, even if some of them are already giving way – some will never change. Even while we both consider things I don’t think we ever thought we would, there are still things out of the question.
And if, one day, in another moment and another time, we run right up against what neither of us will change… well. There will be another moment, and another time. As little as I want to admit it in this one.
I think accepting that, no matter how difficult, is necessary. And, even though it will feel like the impossible, the difference is realizing that it is not impossible… and that, one day if things are different, there is some comfort, and there is hope in that.
♦ ◊ ♦
As an aside, a friend of mine is currently watching his wife die of cancer. She’s been battling it for a few years. They’ve been together forever, but couldn’t afford to get married. Last July, when she went into experimental treatment, they finally went ahead and got engaged.
Last week, her doctors told them there was nothing more they could do.They were married in the hospital.
It’s Not Fair! (Or, a random post in which I try to make the tragic funny. And then just give up).
So… yep. Still seeing that-dude-I-named-Canada. GAWD what a pain in my ass. I mean, seriously. Relationships. I don’t know why anyone even bothers. Did I ask to be in one? Nope. Sure didn’t. And yet.
Goddamnit.
You know that song I blogged about, oh, um, here? And, you know how maybe once-upon-a-time lyrics like “save tonight/and fight the break of dawn/come tomorrow/tomorrow I’ll be gone…” were just so tragically romantic *le-sighhhhhh*? Well. Let me tell ya something kittens.
Yes, things with Canada are awesome. One of the things I like about him is his independence, his ambition. Of course, his independence and his ambition mean he’s really pursuing what he wants from life. I also respect it, because I’m similar. I have very specific goals for myself, where I want to live, what my career will look like… etc (and, can we all please fucking note, those goals have never included “get married” or “have babies” or anything even remotely similar. Let’s just note that.)
And therein lies the catch (and it’s a doozy kittens). Our goals do not, in any way, actually fucking match.
No, I’m serious. I always been a can’t-wait-to-move-back-West person. I’m tied to the ocean. Etc. Canada? He’s a gonna-move-back-to-northern-New-England person. And he’s tied to, well, large game animals. Like moose and things. He also loves to hunt. And apparently you can’t do that anywhere but New England. Oh, excuse me, you can’t do that right anywhere but New England.
FML. Really. F. M. L.
In addition, (for added fun!) things are moving rather rapidly for Canada. Unexpectedly. Like, we may only have a couple months before it’s… sayonara, babe. Save tonight and all that jizz.
Look. Ok. Yes, I just started this post with a long winded angsty sort-of trying-to-be funny intro (yep you missed me). But. FUCK.
Because I have this fucking awesome thing that I didn’t, actually, ask for. That didn’t, apparently, go away the next morning (and, by the way because Life just wants to fuck with me, the sex just keeps getting better, not boring. He actually matches my sex drive. Life plays, er, dirty).
Yes. It sounds so fucking romantic and tragic and shit – star-crossed lovers or some crap. But it’s not. It’s not romantic. It’s just fucking. tragic.
OK ok ok. I’m being maybe a lil mildly overdramatic here. Maybe the goodbye won’t be forever. We’ve already talked and we’re going to try the long-distance thing. We will. And it’s not to say things are over, there are still options. I’m the first to tell you who knows where life will go. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll work out. I think there is some hope. Some chance we can make this work…
Oh, yeah, also? Pretty sure he wants kids. Me? Nooooooo thank you. So, there’s that, too.
It’s just… what fucks me up is that gooddamn song. The save tonight fight the break of dawn bullshit.
Who does this happen to? How is this even remotely fair? Why can’t he just follow me around the country and we’ll travel and have disposable income and dogs? Where did I ever say I even wanted this crap? Who fucking likes relationships, anyway? What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?
FML. The end.
WAFM Goes Dark: The post I don’t want to write.
Dear Readers,
It hasn’t worked.
Here’s the fundamental problem: To me, blogging isn’t just writing a post a week. Hell, I could probs still do that, and ya know I haven’t run out of things to say. Blogging is far more than that. It is an entire community of incredibly smart, funny, interesting, engaging people who write smart, funny, interesting, engaging things. All. The. Time. Blogging isn’t just what I have to say, blogging is also all the things everyone else is saying, and all the things I have still to learn, and all the things I learn that I want to share.
I can’t just write something, throw it up on the web, and call it good. That just… isn’t enough for me. Whether I like it or not, it’s all or none, kids – and there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
This isn’t goodbye. This is just… see ya later.
Before I go, a few sincere thanks to some AWESOME bloggers out there. I’m comin’ back for you, kids. In no particular order…
First blogger crush, who made me squeal when she actually commented on a post: Blunt Delivery
And the other badass cult members:
Esme (now Second Chance at Love)
The amazing crew at Met Another Frog.
And, of course, Ivy Blaise and Winnipeg Bob.
And, with that, I take my leave – for now. I won’t be using my Nikki B. facebook or twitter accounts, either. However, I may post randomly once in a while, when I do feel like just throwin’ something out there, so check in from time to time.
If you want to keep in touch – e-mail me! womenarefrommars at gmail.com. I will be checking that fairly regularly (if only to empty junk from the inbox).
Much, much love.
Nikki B.
This Tree Hugger Tuesday… is for the trees.
In the US, we consume 30% of the world’s paper – yet we have less than 5% of the world’s population (I know I know – we’re good at taking more than our fair share of a lot of things, aren’t we). On average, we print out 28 pages of paper a day! 28 pages! In addition, the average American receives 41 pounds of unwanted junk mail each year. At work, we’re just as bad. In an average office, you use 10,000 sheets of copy paper each year, too. In general, in the US we throw away 4 million tons of office paper every year.
It’s more costly to the pocketbook, too. Using paper products costs you money every time you buy them – only to throw them away. And it’s not just you – it’s your work, too. Companies don’t just purchase paper, they also spend money to ship, store, copy, print, post, and dispose of that paper – all at increased costs.
- Reduce Junk Mail: Sometimes, we use up paper we don’t even want. The United States, about 68 million trees are cut down a year to produce 17 billion catalogs and 65 billion pieces of direct mail. The direct mail aside, if you’re like me, that damn junk mail goes right back in the recycling bin. End that cycle! There are plenty of ways to stop that junk mail from even arriving. There are free services to help you, including Catalogue Choices and DMAChoice. You do have to tell these sites which companies to stop, the choices alone can make your head spin/drive this point home. I recommend checking the companies on the junk you received first, so you know which ones to search for.
- Promote a “think before you copy or print” attitude: Preview and proofread documents before printing. Try to rely on digital copies. At work, look to see if you can only print some pages versus an entire report, and consider sharing some documents with co-workers. Print only the number of copies needed for the meeting, don’t make extra.
- Use double-sided printing and copying whenever possible. Increasing double-sided printing and copying by not even 50% could save 15 million trees.
- Re-use one-sided documents as scrap paper: Look at the paper ou do throw away. More than likely, it has an entire side you didn’t use. Start taking advantage of that space before tossing it. You can even take a cue from a friend of mine: Cut paper into quarters and staple to create new notepads – save cost of buying those, too!
- As I’ve mentioned before, cut down on other paper products. Use cloth towels, napkins, handkerchiefs, etc – both at home and bring them with you. Never use paper plates. If you must, then only buy those that explicitly state “made from 100% recycled paper.” Seventh Generation is a pretty safe brand to go with.
- Switch to electronic bills, statements and payments: You could save 6.6 pounds of paper, 63 galloons of water and 4.5 gallons of gasoline, as well as reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 171 pounds, annually by stopping paper statements and checks.
- Use digital avenues for collaboration at work, instead of printing and circulating paper. Sending documents with Track Changes via e-mail, using Google Docs, etc. Share using thumb drives instead of paper trails.
- Recycle: Do this at home, and encourage your workplace to recycle paper, too. But remember, recycling also uses energy and chemicals, so you should reduce and reuse first.
- Use recycled paper or FSC (Forest Stewardship Council) paper: Every ton of recycled paper used saves about 17 trees, and uses 60% less energy than creating new paper.
For instance, I may do all of the above but… additional things that save paper are using e-cards instead of printed ones (10,000 trees are cut down in China alone for holiday cards, and if we all sent one less holiday card, we’d save over 50,000 yards-cubed of paper), and using an E-reader instead of buying books, magazines, or newspapers (we print over 2 billion books, 359 million magazines and 24 billion newspapers in the US a year). Buuuuuttt… For me? There’s just something about a getting a card in the mail, and I looooovveeeee books. I love them. Physical books I can hold in my hand, with pages I can dog-ear. I don’t really want to give up either of these things. So I buy cards printed locally on recycled paper, and I try to always shop at local book stores, so I’m supporting my community, and I don’t throw books away.
So figure out which ones work for you. Take some of these recommendations. Take all of them. Do something – and save some trees! in addition to energy and water, and you’ll produce less waste, and leave more trees to help clean up greenhouse gases. Reducing paper use can not only reducing waste, use, and energy by creating and throwing away less paper, but can also reduce greenhouse gases by making sure there are more trees on the planet. More trees absorb more carbon, a greenhouse gas.
Not enough for ya? Then remember your pocket book: you can save money, too, simply by buying and using less. Don’t take my word for it – check these big company examples: By increasing the use of online forms and reports, e-mail, double-sided copying, and lighter-weight paper, Bank of America decreased paper consumption by 25% in two years, and saved more than $1 million a year. Citigroup found it could save $70,000 a year if employees used double-sided copying to save just one sheet of paper a week.
Some resources:
Blog Her ~ “Reducing Your Paper Trail”
Reduce.org ~ “Become a paper-less office”
Vision of Earth ~ “31 Ways to Reduce Paper Use”
Peoria ~ “Reducing Paper Use Saves Money… and Maybe Even the Planet”
Forgive? Or just bring a damn umbrella?
But.
OK. Quick (ha ha ha ha!) backstory: Basically, this girl, I called her Kay, and I sort-of met at a party, and we had the same group of friends. As I’ve recalled over at Met Another Frog: ”
The first time I saw Kay, I… noticed her. Immediately. But everyone assumed we knew each other, so no one introduced us. That first night, we never even spoke.
She would tell me later that she literally could not talk to me. That all she did, as soon as I walked in the door, was pray that I was gay.
I wasn’t.
Once we finally did speak, we developed a close friendship. She also spent six months pushing me on the whole straight thing. I spent six months telling her no.
And then I gave an inch – because I could no longer ignore the way she made me feel. It was all downhill from there.
Every wonderful, amazing, heart-stopping thing you’ve ever wanted someone to tell you, Kay said to me. And I felt this unbelievable connection to her. I fully believed the only reason I was feeling this way about a girl was because, well…. maybe there is truth in fairy tales.
And, one night, words translated into an intense, insane, head-over-heels tumble into Kay’s bed.
Welp. I got what I paid for. I actually knew in the morning that things were different. Something was wrong. Even though she told me she was so happy, and she couldn’t believe it happened… she then made up excuses about an ex to avoid me, said she needed space, she needed time, because this was just so intense… and then three weeks later made out with some one else right in front of me. I, of course, responded by getting completely shitfaced, chainsmoking my brains out, and crying in public.
To add some salt to the proverbial gaping hole in my chest, I didn’t tell anyone. Because I didn’t want my now-ex-BF to think I’d broken up with him for the wrong reasons, and because I thought we were going to give him some time to recover before we came out together in public, and because I was still reeling from what this meant for my own sexuality and identity. I was able to pretend that no one knew.
Everyone knew. I didn’t find out for over six months that she told everyone. Which was bad enough. But. I didn’t find out for over a year that not only had she told everyone? She also told them that I came on to her. That, the one night? I wouldn’t get out of her bed. That she didn’t know what to do with me, that I had completely freaked her out. Which is hilarious (or something), because apparently how she deals with being “freaked out” is to put on some Sarah McLachlan (I couldn’t listen to “Ice Cream” for the longest friggin’ time), light 500 candles, get on her knees before I even had my clothes off – and engage in sex that was so one-sided, I didn’t even know people would term it “sex” as I had done nothing to her. I barely touched her boobs. Because, in reality, I was the one freaking the fuck out.
The last time I really hung out with Kay? We were supposedly not speaking – until she pulled me away from the girl I was dancing with and started kissing me.
Regardless. At this point? I’m well over it. Kay is not someone I think about, well, ever. But…. do I want to have to see her?
And that’s the annoying thing. The idea that we can be so done with someone… and they still have that ability to rain on our goddamn parade.
Everyone tells you “you’ll get over it” or “you shouldn’t care any more” or “you need to forgive them to let it go” or whatev. That we’re supposed to forgive in order to move on. If we haven’t done that, can’t do that, then the theory is we haven’t and can’t really move on, either. If they can still affect us in some way. That’s the hypothetical litmus test, right?
Or are we really only “over it” when they can no longer affect us, and do we truly need to forgive?
Honestly? It just seems like more work, emotions, and effort to figure out how to forgive Kay, when I don’t expend any of those things on her normally. Instead? I’d rather just allow for a very rare day that looks like rain, and bring a damn umbrella.
Women Are From Mars 