Thieves in the night.
I have a confession to make.
Wellll… Less a confession, more a bit of a… revelation? That seems a strong word…
Regardless. There is a greater context to this confession/revelation. I’m going to start at the beginning. First – an update.
This time last year, I was spending every day in an out-patient care unit. Was my sister talking by now? I’m not sure. She was walking, feeding herself. During April of 2011, her recovery was still moving rapidly.
It has slowed. Significantly.
Brain injuries are strange, cruel beasts. Television dramas and crappy rom-coms lie. Sure, maybe somewhere, someone wakes up themselves after a week in a coma. Maybe they simply open their eyes and smile. Maybe they are themselves again, they just need your support as they learn how to walk, talk, feed themselves.
With my sister? That was not what happened.
Her physical abilities have returned almost entirely. She can ride her bike, drive a car. But the rest? Shallow is a word I find very useful when discussing my sister’s cognition or emotions. There is no depth. Of course, this could be a blessing in disguise. Yes, her eating disorder has returned, but again, the depth is not there. The ED runs almost entirely on impulse now – there is nothing behind it. I mean, there is, if you push her – but even her “but I’m fat” seem rehearsed.
As for me, I spent most of 2011 emotionally cut off. Shut down. I wasn’t that aware of it, but I also wasn’t ready to deal. I am now. It’s happening, practically on its own terms. The emotions I’ve repressed will no longer stay down. They don’t bang on doors, they don’t scream for release, don’t overpower and overwhelm. They seep.
They are not the monster at the doorstep, they are the thief in the night.
For the past several months, I’ve been dealing with a fairly low-grade depression. One that doesn’t bring me to my knees or leave me stranded in my bed. Instead, it’s the sudden thought that I’ve lost my happy. The thought that once, I felt comfort, and that comfort is gone. These thoughts don’t feel devastating, they feel passive. As if I’m acknowledging something I can do little about, something I should accept.
I’m in therapy, and I like to think I’m fairly self-aware, so naturally these thoughts, while somehow emotionally benign, cause me rational concern.
So I’m working on it. On tracking down that thief, retrieving what it took. I know this is a process I need to go through. I know that the seeping of my emotions from the deep places I left them means I’m ready to deal with this. To move through, and not ignore. That is, of course, a good thing.
Not all good things come in pretty packages tied up with string.
And now for the confession. Er. Revelation. Whatever.
I’ve been dating Alaska while sleeping with Canada for the past month. My my but that’s been a nice distraction. Alaska knew about Canada, and Canada and I were still in “No Expectations” Land.
Last week I realized (ok, revelation then) that I can’t do this NSA/dating around/wheeeee-yay-isn’t-this-fun! thing any more. Most of my life? Modus operandi. Right now? Yep. Nope.
I’m not in an emotional place for it. And that, to me, is a very strange place to be.
I can’t date both dudes. Bummer, I know. I am, however, really starting to like Canada (of course, right Bob). Even though I’m a bit… emotionally vulnerable at present, I’m not done with him. I don’t believe Life cares where you’re at – you still have to take advantage of what it hands you. It’s rarely neat, and perfectly timed. So. While I may not be ok with simply NSA sex with Canada, I still want to see where this goes. He has been a good guy, communicative, honest, and open. All of that is what draws me to him (well, and the sex) and what makes me want to see where it goes. I think I can handle my shit – and him.
Hell. If Elizabeth Rose can limit herself to the one person, surely I can, too. Augh! We’re dropping like flies! This means nothing, Monogamy! And it’s only for now!
I’ve ended things with Alaska. I had a conversation with Canada – explaining where I’m at and that I need to change the game from no strings. I left the choice on that up to him.