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Thieves in the night.

April 25, 2012

I have a confession to make.

Wellll… Less a confession, more a bit of a… revelation? That seems a strong word…

Regardless. There is a greater context to this confession/revelation. I’m going to start at the beginning. First – an update.

This time last year, I was spending every day in an out-patient care unit. Was my sister talking by now? I’m not sure. She was walking, feeding herself. During April of 2011, her recovery was still moving rapidly.

It has slowed. Significantly.

Brain injuries are strange, cruel beasts. Television dramas and crappy rom-coms lie. Sure, maybe somewhere, someone wakes up themselves after a week in a coma. Maybe they simply open their eyes and smile. Maybe they are themselves again, they just need your support as they learn how to walk, talk, feed themselves.

With my sister? That was not what happened.

Her physical abilities have returned almost entirely. She can ride her bike, drive a car. But the rest? Shallow is a word I find very useful when discussing my sister’s cognition or emotions. There is no depth. Of course, this could be a blessing in disguise. Yes, her eating disorder has returned, but again, the depth is not there. The ED runs almost entirely on impulse now – there is nothing behind it. I mean, there is, if you push her – but even her “but I’m fatseem rehearsed.

As for me, I spent most of 2011 emotionally cut off. Shut down. I wasn’t that aware of it, but I also wasn’t ready to deal. I am now. It’s happening, practically on its own terms. The emotions I’ve repressed will no longer stay down. They don’t bang on doors, they don’t scream for release, don’t overpower and overwhelm. They seep.

They are not the monster at the doorstep, they are the thief in the night.

For the past several months, I’ve been dealing with a fairly low-grade depression. One that doesn’t bring me to my knees or leave me stranded in my bed. Instead, it’s the sudden thought that I’ve lost my happy. The thought that once, I felt comfort, and that comfort is gone. These thoughts don’t feel devastating, they feel passive. As if I’m acknowledging something I can do little about, something  I should accept.

I’m in therapy, and I like to think I’m fairly self-aware, so naturally these thoughts, while somehow emotionally benign, cause me rational concern.

So I’m working on it. On tracking down that thief, retrieving what it took. I know this is a process I need to go through. I know that the seeping of my emotions from the deep places I left them means I’m ready to deal with this. To move through, and not ignore. That is, of course, a good thing.

Not all good things come in pretty packages tied up with string.

And now for the confession. Er. Revelation. Whatever.

I’ve been dating Alaska while sleeping with Canada for the past month. My my but that’s been a nice distraction. Alaska knew about Canada, and Canada and I were still in “No Expectations” Land.

Last week I realized (ok, revelation then) that I can’t do this NSA/dating around/wheeeee-yay-isn’t-this-fun! thing any more. Most of my life? Modus operandi. Right now? Yep. Nope.

I’m not in an emotional place for it. And that, to me, is a very strange place to be.

I can’t date both dudes. Bummer, I know. I am, however, really starting to like Canada (of course, right Bob). Even though I’m a bit… emotionally vulnerable at present, I’m not done with him. I don’t believe Life cares where you’re at – you still have to take advantage of what it hands you. It’s rarely neat, and perfectly timed. So. While I may not be ok with simply NSA sex with Canada, I still want to see where this goes. He has been a good guy, communicative, honest, and open. All of that is what draws me to him (well, and the sex) and what makes me want to see where it goes. I think I can handle my shit – and him.

Hell. If Elizabeth Rose can limit herself to the one person, surely I can, too. Augh! We’re dropping like flies! This means nothing, Monogamy! And it’s only for now!

I’ve ended things with Alaska. I had a conversation with Canada – explaining where I’m at and that I need to change the game from no strings. I left the choice on that up to him.

33 Comments leave one →
  1. April 25, 2012 10:52 am

    How did Canada respond? Next post?

    I’m really sorry that you’ve lost your happy. I hope you find it soon! Have a Pop-Tart…with butter on it.

    • April 26, 2012 8:49 am

      My conversation about this with Canada was not all that clear. I don’t entirely know what I want, I just needed to tell him where I’m at and that NSA isn’t something I can do right now. While I rambled, he did his best to figure out what I was trying to say. I was mainly concerned that it’d be way too much this early in something that was explicitly casual.

      He said it didn’t freak him out, and he didn’t think it would change things for him – but he would think about it, too.

      Personally, I think that’s the best, most rational response. We’ll see, I suppose.

  2. April 25, 2012 11:50 am

    Thanks for this beautiful, brave essay and finally an update on Northern relations!!! As you step off into the abyss of possible monogamy, you won’t date alone, I promise! Hugs, A.

    • April 26, 2012 8:51 am

      Ha! Thank you for your kind words and your support, love!

      Keep up the awesomeness with Ken!

  3. April 25, 2012 1:57 pm

    Sometimes you nee dto do things that just feel right, even if they are not process as usual. Hope Canada will have a good answer.

    Lots of hugs and hope your happy comes back to you soon! xoxo!!

    • April 25, 2012 7:10 pm

      Go Canada GO, Oooops is Hockey not on???

    • April 26, 2012 8:54 am

      Thanks love – working on it! Really, it’s a good place to be, even if it doesn’t feel good, because it means things are moving around…

      Bob – pay attention!

  4. Heather fka Movedup permalink
    April 25, 2012 6:43 pm

    Monogamy is not a dirty word nor is it fun time is over. Believe it or not – monogamy is freedom. Yes I said it freedom. Freedom to be, do, explore and trust that one special person with all your desires, passions and yes… secret fantasies… you might find that a “dirty little secret” is best shared with that someone special. Nod nod wink wink know what I mean.. know what i mean…

    • April 26, 2012 8:56 am

      Oh, I don’t think monogamy is a bad word at all! And I’ve done it before, several times. I’d say I can be pretty good at it, when I make my mind up – it’s just not at all where I expected to be right now, nor is it necessarily my default setting. BUT that is just me! 😀

      “Dirty little secret” – indeed! Hope you’re still rockin’ it, hotness!

      • Heather fka Movedup permalink
        April 26, 2012 11:13 am

        No worries there Nikki! lol I am still rockin it and teaching! Licensed Zumba instructor now! Showin these ladies how to shake it! Can hardly wait for my next training using – yes you guessed it – dancing on chairs – what about that does not scream me!

      • April 28, 2012 11:38 am

        Yessss!! Sounds awesome! Get those ladies shakin’!

  5. April 25, 2012 7:08 pm

    Ahem, I am obviously not Canada but speaking as a Canadian I think that the UN Policy on dating is honesty.

    I know we all get bubble wrapped in our games and hormones but sometimes…. Preaching to the choir.

    You know your heart, do what you have to do.

    PS. Broom the Yank.


    • April 26, 2012 8:57 am

      Honesty it is – and, yes, we do get “bubble-wrapped” don’t we?

      Yes, please, on the health care. Clearly, we need more Canada around here… 😀

      • April 26, 2012 8:35 pm

        Well just stay honest and open to you. I know what emotional damage you’re going through with your sister.

        My brother broke his neck at 19, lived in and out of life till he was almost 30. Then cancer got him.

        He married had something wonderful for a few months but he had it.

        I wonder if the gift of life robs us of the wonder of it.
        The immediacy of death?

      • April 28, 2012 11:39 am

        Your family stuff is pretty damn tough, sir.

        I think we do take life for granted often. Sometimes it’s so easy to.

  6. April 26, 2012 3:54 pm

    NSA works great…until one day it just doesn’t. (Not saying this is universal, but it happens sometimes.) Bravo to you for listening to yourself. Nothing wrong with shifting courses. I had a tremendous feeling of “selling out” when I decided to go the monogamy route. But I ultimately said F-it: I am not the poster child of alternative dating arrangements. I am the poster child for “do what feels right for me.”

    • April 28, 2012 11:40 am

      “I am the poster child for “do what feels right for me.”” <— YES. THIS.

      It's not about life choices that are universal, or that we should judge one another. We should look at ourselves and decide what is working for us right now. It probably will change over time – and it *does* take some time to get used to things shifting, especially when you don't expect it!

  7. April 27, 2012 2:38 am

    I very much admire your self-awareness, particularly in the face of depression and hurt. Stay strong… except in the times when it’s best to break down and allow the emotional storm to wash over you. And lean into those you love.

    Sending much good energy your way.

    • April 28, 2012 11:42 am

      Thank you Jamie! Having the support of friends and family is really huge.

      One of the things I’ve noticed that is alarming to me is my inability to give in and let it all wash over me. No problem in the past, but I really did shut down last year, and developed such control over my emotions – and I have this ridic fear of losing that control… Yay therapy!

  8. April 27, 2012 9:17 pm

    Aw, Nikki, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been blue. I know that feeling all too well. Glad you’re getting some help. It does get better. And congrats for coming to terms with what you want – or more like what you *don’t* want. It’s not always an easy thing to admit. I’m rooting for you, chica!

    • April 28, 2012 11:46 am

      Thanks, love! It was kinda hard coming to terms with this… and figuring out what to do about it! Plus, it’s often pretty difficult to be honest – with yourself and others!

  9. April 30, 2012 9:09 pm

    I hope things look up for you soon. And in the meantime, enjoy going south with your lad from the north.

  10. May 3, 2012 11:18 am

    Kudos to you darling! for a wonderfully well written and heart felt post and for the bravery to change from your norms. Enjoy whatever it may bring xxx (and thanks for the shout out!)

    • May 4, 2012 8:09 am

      Thank you! It’s been interesting, that’s for sure… but I don’t have to tell you that! 😉

  11. May 3, 2012 4:15 pm

    Wow, a year since your sister’s coma? I am so sorry that things are rough for you right now, and for your sister, too, as you both work through things. ((hug))

    • May 4, 2012 8:08 am

      Time flies, huh? Things are a little rough. It’s life I suppose, and I have to keep telling myself I’ll work through it. Hugs help!

  12. Random Zoe permalink
    May 6, 2012 1:54 am

    Sorry you lost your happy — be relentless in getting it back! Sending good vibes your way.

    I met my SO of 13 years as a NSA distraction from other shit happening in both our lives. I hope you have such luck with Canada. 🙂

    • May 9, 2012 8:52 am

      Still working on the happy, but so far so good with Canada. Thanks for coming by! 😀

  13. May 6, 2012 5:06 pm

    So what’s the update with “Canada”?

    Are yall shagging away at it yet?


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