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No Expectations.

March 28, 2012

From - PS in case you're wondering, apparently searching for images of "fuck buddies" will get you a lot of gay porn. There's a message in that.

Oh, hey. No, no. It’s really me. What? You don’t recognize me without my Fighting Feminazi cape and thigh-high ass-kickin’ red boots??

I kid, but takin’ a break from the patriarchal, racist asshatery for a tick because, lo and behold, I still have a personal life.

So. Met a dude. Or, rather, decided that I was more into a dude I’ve known for some time now. Let’s call him… Canada. There was some Adult Activities that included my bed and not that many clothes. That was… a week ago Friday. Since then, we’ve basically done nothing other than a brief conversation that established us on the same page – a page titled No Expectations.

Now. Over the weekend, my group of friends had an annual event – which is one of two such annual events where there is a high probability I will actually get shitcanned. Typically, I’m not all that into getting shitcanned. It’s not really my thing. But these events involve drinking for. an. entire. day. so… it happens.

During this day, Canada and I talked a lil bit, but not a whole lot. See, none of our friends even know we’re more than acquaintances and we’re both pretty private people (no, seriously). We’re not really into being all public (or at all public). In addition, No Expectations page = no commandeering of one another’s time anyway. I will say, had anyone been paying much attention, we were clearly comfortable in one another’s personal space when we did exchange pleasantries.

All this was fine. Until yours truly started to, you guessed itget shitcanned.

Actually, no. That was only half the issue. The other half was Alaska. Or, rather, a dude I shall refer to as Alaska. In the theme of geographically-inspired nicknames.

Alaska was perfectly happy to commandeer as much of my time as he possibly could. And flirt his lil fanny right off.

Now, I thought I was doing ok with the whole balancing world powers at parties thing (US and Canada? get it?). I thought I was handling my shit. I really did. But, you know, I was also getting shitcanned. So there’s that. Apparently, as my one friend who knew what was up and wasn’t shitcanned, can attest – I was not, actually, invisible to Canada when talking to Alaska. And vice versa.


Cue the end of the night, I’m still thinking I did ok. Moreover, I think I’ve been talking to Canada way more than Alaska at this point. At least… that is my recollection… I also have no real designs on Alaska, it’s just Drunk Nikki is a big fat fucking flirt face. SO Canada and I end up making-out… on the well-lit front porch (we are so sneaky!). Then, of course, I get into some ridic conversation with an old friend for what felt like five minutes (but was perhaps a wee bit longer than that) and Canada is now MIA.

Naturally, (because I am now completely shitcanned) I call him. He answers, and says he wasn’t feeling that great and went home. I’m a lil wtf… but ask if he’s feeling better he says yeah and [I also want to get laid so] I say “ok, I can come over…?” To which he replies “sure, but I can’t promise I’ll still be up.

Ahem. Ahem? Oh, my dear boy, that was probably the last thing to say to Drunk Nikki when she overlooks the fact that you ditched her and is ready to walk her ass to your house. Even if it’s not, really, that far away.

I might have gotten a lil shit-flippy at this point (shitcanned!) and he says he’s just being honest (ok) but Drunk Nikki (yes I will refer to myself in the third person) has already made the unfortunate mental leap to an ex boyfriend to whom she would now, in all likelihood, be married had said ex had a similar sex drive. Which he did not. Hence, not married.

By now, the shitcannery has resulted in the loss of any and all filter between random leaps of the brain and words that come out of my mouth. I may have perhaps quite possibly decided that now would be a great time to explain about said ex and his low sex drive and how I broke up with him because of it (yep! still shitcanned!). No. No that wasn’t the best of ideas. I agree. That was a little less than awesome. But, you know, I made up for it by interrupting myself to yell at a friend for a ride, and made sure to end further dialogue by, but of course, hanging up the phone.

Yes. Well. We did send exactly six texts total on Sunday that basically equated to both of us stating we weren’t “worried”. Which is like saying things are fine. Which I am sure that they are, because this thing is too new for them not to be. BUT.

Now. I am telling you all this for a reason (and not just to talk about something less serious for half a second). I do have a point, I swearz it. And it is this:

I am all about easy things. I am all about No Expectations. I don’t have the time, nor the desire, to date. I do want to have sex. More sex than I am having right now.

And, you know, people argue over whether or not things like this are easier than dating, or even easy at all. Well, let me explain something to you: They can be easy, but they can also be a real pain in the arse unless you have a couple things, and those things are 1) Communication and 2) Honesty. I think a lot of No Strings Things fall apart not because one person (guess which gender we assume that person to be!) gets more emotionally attached, but because there isn’t enough of these two things. There isn’t enough communication and honesty about what is going on and what everyone involved actually wants. Why? Oh, because we’re not supposed to really talk about things in No Strings Land of course! We’re not supposed to care or have any kind of emotions. Because talking and caring are things you only do in relationships. Right???

Hence, I am now sitting here, wondering what Canada is thinking or where this is going, frankly. And we only had sex the one time for crying out loud. I want to have a conversation about all that, and about how yeah, Alaska’s pretty hot (ok leave that part out) but I’d like to see where this goes, Canada. I want to apologize for my behavior with him without you feeling obliged to tell me it doesn’t matter cuz No Expectations. I also want to hear an honest answer to the whole hey-my-ex-didn’t-fuck-me-enough-don’t-wanna-go-through-that-again-and-then-I-hung-up-on-you… thing instead of “hey, no, I’m not worried. It’s cool.” Because it’s kinda not all that cool. And, no, me being drunk is a nice excuse, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I just put a relatively large piece of personal crap into this thing that’s supposed to be easy. I use “relatively” for a reason.

And, yes, I get all that is more than likely unnecessary, and it feels too soon for any of those conversations, and that things are probably fine – because this is too new and undefined for them not to be. But wouldn’t it be nice to have the space for those conversations, if one of us wanted to have them? Wouldn’t it be better if we allowed for things to be talked about and expressed and it was ok to be honest about things like how you’re feeling instead of hiding them simply because this isn’t a serious thing.

Whether or not those conversations are necessary, I want the option for them to occur on the table. I want to be able to have these conversations without someone thinking it means I want to change Canada’s name to Boyfriend. Because I don’t. Because honest conversations don’t have to mean I’m lying about all this and really I want to have your babies pleaseandthankyou. Or that Canada can tell me how I made him uncomfortable or irritated without feeling like I think he’s too emotionally involved already. Moreover, these conversations don’t have to take ten years, either. The more honest we all are the quicker they are over.

We should be able to talk more and listen more and be honest more and be open more in all of our relationships. Relationships that aren’t serious don’t automatically equate to ones that are non-communicative or let’s pretend I don’t feel anything or care. Having honest conversation is not, in of itself, serious – but is, in fact, still critical to healthy relationships, whatever their boundaries, definitions, or lack thereof.

So why have we decided that communication and honesty are always “too serious”… yet also never critical enough?

Of course, another thing that could help? Less whiskey.

24 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2012 1:31 pm

    I love that you named him Canada. It makes me almost feel like I’m a part of this awesomely candid and completely relatable post (but not in a creepy way). In fact, take away the geography-friendly nicknames and you have a less-messy written re-enactment of my New Years Eve, 2006 (Or was it 2007? Knowing me, probably both.)

    As of about three minutes ago, I am in my first “Expectations Permitted (but I reserve the right to change my mind)” relationship in…well, probably ever. And also the first relationship where I’m not paranoid to say what I’m thinking, for fear of crossing the “No Strings Attached” line and leading dude to assume that I’m looking to get married and sacrifice my self-proclaimed barren womb.

    That’s the worst part about not having expectations. While it’s great for someone like myself who’s scared to death of commitment, it also causes more stress. Because you never really know what the other persons’ definition of “Expectations” is.

  2. March 28, 2012 1:32 pm

    Er, I just realized that my comment totally wasn’t helpful at all.

    • March 28, 2012 3:21 pm

      Nope. Your comment actually was totes right on.

      First – glad to hear I am not the only one who has been through this! Would that I could’ve been there for your NYE, and you for my Last Saturday… the stories we could tell each other! Ha!

      Second – Congrats on the newbie relationship? And good luck? I’ve managed to land myself in 3 relationships, all of which I tried to avoid, and none of which lasted longer than 6 months.

      Third – That IS the worst part of no expectations. You never do know what to really expect, or how someone is thinking, and talking about it automatically sounds all relationship-y, even when you don’t mean it that way! … *le sigh*.

  3. March 28, 2012 2:53 pm

    I always find it funny how many people equate NSA/FB/FWB relationships to be not relationships at all. Because THEY ARE! Just like being platonic friends with someone is a relationship. You are spending valuable time and energy with some one else. Would you never talk things out even with friendly acquaintances? No. You talk, doesn’t mean you may become BFFs but you still interact/communicate on some level that is appropriate to the relationship.

    NO person who interacts with another person goes about it completely devoid of any type of feeling or emotion. We’re not robots. Even if those emotions aren’t love, you still are bringing emotions to the table regardless. This goes for men and women because if the other person in question doesn’t have some feeling for you, whether they think you’re cool, funny, cute, hot, etc. Then they wouldn’t be there in the first place.

    Yes, sometimes people get attached and the other person is just not into them in that way. That’s valid and that’s fine. But I think a bigger issue with these relationships is the act of trying to suppress ANY kind of emotional involvement, no matter how small simply because someone or both parties “don’t want to be in a relationship”. Even though they already are!

    • March 28, 2012 3:27 pm

      OMG THIS. Yes, yes, yes.

      We pretend we’re not in relationships, even though we totes are – they’re just different from a romantically-involved committed relationship. Which does, apparently, mean that’s the only way we define “relationship”. Which is totes lame. And could be part of the reason we have so. much. trouble. getting over other people in poly (etc) relationships. Because they don’t look like “relationship” to us.

      But, yeah, in these things? We avoid convos and suppress emotions and all kinds of things that aren’t healthy or helpful because we think we *must* do so simply because we’re not “serious”.

  4. March 28, 2012 6:25 pm

    My personal feeling is that drinking less whiskey never solved anything. Ever.

    • March 28, 2012 9:12 pm

      Good to know. I’d prefer that not be the answer, really.

  5. March 28, 2012 6:33 pm

    My advice: get out of the northern hemisphere and start dating Paraguay.

    ps-FB sitches are THE WORST

    pps-I was a bit confused-u weren’t making out with Alaska on the porch? If not then why would Canada be getting his knickers in a twist?

    • March 28, 2012 9:20 pm

      Paraguay? She sounds nice!

      I’ve had good FB situations, I’ve had FB situations that turned into relationships while I went “LA LA LA LA LA” with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut SO yeah sometimes they can be kinda lame… when that happens…

      Good point, and one already made in other conversations. And, if you asked Canada, he’d tell you his knickers were not in a twist, ay (except maybe not the “ay” because he’s not really from Canada). Whether he was telling you the truth or not is something I can’t say.

  6. March 29, 2012 1:05 am

    I like strings. My cats like strings. This is probably why we get along so well. (The cats and I, not you and I.) (But I’m sure you’re nice, too.)

    • March 29, 2012 9:30 am

      Strings have their place. Especially when held over the edge of the bed and one of you is under the bed.

      One of you being the cat. Or you’re kinda kinky.

  7. March 29, 2012 2:24 pm

    You drink whiskey? Wow. I’m not sure if that should surprise me or not.

    • March 29, 2012 5:07 pm

      I. LOVE. whiskey. And bourbon. A little too much… as in, when I drink it, I tend to drink too much. So I typically don’t drink it that often. Probably shouldn’t surprise you…?

  8. Relationship Advice For You permalink
    March 31, 2012 2:37 am

    Well, if you concentrated on the Communication and Honesyu part with the ex, you might be having way more sex now 🙂

    That said, Canada is more than likely in ‘Loving this casual fuck buddy situation cause I don’t have to go to all the effort in talking with this chick’. Some guys are just lazy and a little immature when it comes the relationship ‘refinements’ that are really needed for a decent relationship.

    My relationship tip for you: hold him down in a quiet room and tell him your expectations. You can be sure you’ll get a reaction and conversation. Oh … you might need that whiskey once this happens.

    • April 1, 2012 12:56 pm

      Ummm… ok.

      First, in terms of the ex, I think people just have different sex drives – and it has nothing to do with gender. We did, actually, have conversations around sex, and I think he just wanted it less than I did. Because sex is important to me, I wasn’t willing to decrease my sex drive to meet his, nor did I want to (or could, probably) force him to increase his to meet mine. I know others may be more willing to compromise in this aspect of relationships, but I am not.

      Second, I don’t buy the narrative that all men who engage in FB/FWB/NSA relationships are in them because they’re lazy, immature, or don’t want to talk to women. I also don’t buy the flip side, that women who are in such relationships are getting the shit end of the stick because the dude is really just lazy/immature – or that women can’t be lazy/immature/uncommunicative. Moreover, I don’t buy the narrative that all “relationships” are always this committed, monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend thing – and “decent” can’t exist in something that is casual and physical.

      I believe that anyone, of either gender or lackthereof, can enjoy a casual relationship, if it is what all/both parties want.

      For example, things have progressed and I’ve had conversations with both Canada and Alaska. Canada, in particular, is very communicative – I would never use “lazy” or “immature” to categorize him. Wouldn’t say that about Alaska, either. And that, of course, is my point and why this will probably work.

      Third, while I appreciate you stopping by and providing some advice, I believe Canada and I initially discussed that we have no expectations. We aren’t looking explicitly for a committed/romantic relationship, but we aren’t wholeheartedly against it or anything – we’re just hanging out, having fun, and getting laid. There were no strong reactions, or need for whiskey (in fact, I’m not entirely sure what that last part meant…?).

  9. April 2, 2012 4:52 pm

    OR… more whiskey?? Shudder – no less sound better. Now more rum instead!

    Well I guess sometimes communication can be a bit too much (most likely in combination with said whiskey) and more snogging might have helped…

    In all seriousness though, any type of relationship needs communication – if only such a simple and obvious thing wasn’t so bloody complicated and obscure at the same time. And I’m so not making any sense at all …

    • April 3, 2012 9:42 am

      Actually, I think you’re kind of nailing it – and it is somewhat difficult to put into words. All relationships, whether that are romantic, sexual, plantonic, etc, require good communication. Yet, we shy away from communication, as if talking about things is somehow serious infoitself… thus it *seems* more complicated to engage in dialogue with something that’s new – because the narrative around relationships tells us we’re not supposed to do that, and it can make people uncomfortable. In addition, that narrative also means we haven’t really been taught how to communicate in things that aren’t serious – or how to deal with someone else who wants to talk.

      So yeah. Complicated and obscure at the same time.

  10. April 2, 2012 10:25 pm

    i’m back my love

    and as far as canada. ugh. here’s the thing, i get what you’re saying. even when things are carefree you still gotta be open and honest and you just wanna know the deal. if he’s freaked out by your drunken ramblings then you just want him to say that so you can get it out there and you can clarity things and move on. murky confusion always the most frustrating thing. also, i hate phrases like “i’m fine.” “its okay” “no worries” “it’s nothing”


    the whiskey, no it doesn’t help. i’ve left many a man speechless by whiskey induced conversations. eh. it happens. but, yea, annoying.

    but back to the most important thing, i’ve missed you and i’m back.

    • April 3, 2012 9:48 am

      YES! You are back and that IS the most important thing! Where, pray tell, did you go?? And are things back to normal-ish? Or whatever that means??

      Regardless – things are ok with Canada. I think he gets the whiskey-induced convo thing. 😀

  11. ruthless permalink
    April 20, 2012 5:51 am

    *disclaimer, I’ve only been in one relationship and it was a LTR (even though I could afford to see the other party pretty often) that only lasted a month due to extenuating circumstances, so take my perspective worth a grain of salt in a mine*

    I have absolutely no idea where you became convinced of these “rules” about the non communication policies of relationships other than “serial monogamy”. No offense but this whole post sounds like several paragraphs assuming what was going on inside Canada’s head when you really could have just done the following over the phone when you woke up and climbed out of the bottle.

    You: “Yo, did you have issues with me last night or did you really leave because you were tired and just weren’t feelin it?”
    – RESPONSE A: “No alterier motif, bang ya latter ok? bye”
    – RESPONSE B: “Actually I was feeling , this is how I would like to handle that, is that cool with you?”
    – – YOU B1: “Sure, bang ya latter ok? bye”
    – – YOU B2: “No, not really, thats going into my expectation zone, and we said we weren’t gonna do that. Figure out what you wanna do and we can bang later, or not, k? bye”

    At this point there is no reason to assume that anybody is “feeling” all this “omg we cant talk about because and we have to because I said wich means he might be thinking and all of this is hard now ” except YOU. And ya know how YOU should get your questions answered? You should ask HIM and not write a blog post about what you “can’t ask”.

    *other disclaimer, im not really saying you should or shouldn’t have written the piece, its your blog, write about glitter ratios in cow dung for all I care, I just responded with a snarky opinion because, well, you asked opinions and mine is snarky ;)”

    • April 25, 2012 10:57 am

      The post here was on general reaction to my previous relationships and those of my friends – although that doesn’t excuse generalizations, and I know there are exceptions. That said, I do feel that a lot of people would agree with me on the points here. Moreover, I stand by my thoughts on the narratives we hold for sex and relationships. I think those are the rule more than the exception.

      I actually did talk with Canada – but even briefer than you suggested. Things are fine now.

      See, the point I was attempting to make here is that I wholeheartedly agree with you on the importance of communication, and that it should just be easy and done. Also, I personally overanalyze things. This is pretty obvious. However – I will argue with you that it is not, actually, as acceptable to have the honest conversations as you or I would like. Yes, I need to work on my personal overanalyzation ish, but I still think it’s hard to be really open – and that open communication can be hard early or completely misinterpreted early in relationships/dating and in casual things. People respond negatively for no real reason. I don’t like it and wish it were different, but I think it’s often reality. But don’t take my word for it. Date more, and talk to you friends more, and see how it goes for you.

      I hope your experience is different.

      • ruthless permalink
        May 8, 2012 6:31 am

        Fair enough, Ill go ahead and take your word for it though, I don’t really get asked on “dates” 🙂


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