My advice on a “few, short, and final words”? Don’t hit “send”.
Oh, hey there. I know, I know. I’ve been a bit MIA this past week AND this post is ridic late. Apologies. Do you want my excuses? They’re… mostly legit. Ok: one, I am now in a time zone five hours later than the one I was in. Two, the past week has seen a very important meeting with my boss, my birthday, and a trip practically halfway around the globe, and then some more meetings. Oh, and I didn’t have internet at my rental all day yesterday. That too. How’re those for excuses?
Anyhoo. Last night, I had dinner with a friend, Nurse, and her husband at their house here on the island. Towards the end of the evening, she starts telling me about recent events with an old friend.
Long story short, said friend went through a nasty divorce. Said friend is pretty fucked up as a result, and said friend actually drew Nurse into the foray with a long letter to the ex, in which he put all kinds of words into Nurse’s mouth.
Thus, Nurse didn’t speak to her old friend for a lil while.
The letter that Old Friend wrote to hie ex is pretty typical. It starts with “I just wanted to say a few short, final words“… and then rambles on for paragraph after paragraph.
This letter, and the way he used Nurse to say things he wanted to without having to sound like a dick and for evidence so he could believe what he wanted to believe, are things I… well. They are things I get. I don’t condone them, but I understand the place they come from.
I’ve been there. And I would hazard a guess many of you have been there, too.
The heartbreak made me literally hysterical at times. I’ve been unable to sleep or eat, and the lowest point in my life was being shit-housed drunk, balling my eyes out and screaming at a friend.
I’ve also written letters like the one Nurse’s friend did (although I never pulled anyone else into the mess with me). Letters upon letters. Paragraph after paragraph. There may have even been poems.
Only a very few of those words were ever to reach Kay.
I have a manilla envelope about three-quarters of an inch thick, buried in my closet somewhere.
And yes, if you read back over them, I will write, over and over again about the connection between Kay and me. About how, regardless of how she’s treated me or how ridiculous things have become, I truly believe Kay will always be in my life.
I haven’t seen Kay in well over a year. And that was only for a brief period where we didn’t speak. I hadn’t seen her for a year before that. And, despite how I felt in her presence last year, I never want to see her again. I feel nothing towards her but mild disgust. I don’t even feel pain or real anger any more. Although I can get riled up if I go over how it all went down. For almost two years. But part of that is irritation and embarrassment aimed at myself.
I know many of us have those people in our lives. Or in our past. The ones we felt that connection with.
I know many of us have been there. The place where our heart feels not broken, but blown apart. Where we feel like our very bodies and souls are split wide open. And we have no idea how to even begin putting them back together.
I know the words we feel like we have to say right now. The letters we write, the conversations we need to have. Right now.
I know the belief that you will always be connected to this one person. That, despite it all, you will never know how to say goodbye. That you will never ever want to.
Couple things about that, from someone who has, believe me, been there.
First: Don’t send that e-mail. Delete the phone number from your phone.
By all means, please do write down every word you need to say. Every single one. But do them without an internet or cell phone connection. And, if you must send it somewhere, send it to a friend. And then sleep on it. And, in the morning, let them call you and talk about it. I kinda guarantee they will start that convo with “well hey there Crazy.”
No matter how much it seems like those words need to be said rightfuckingnow! – they don’t. In my experience, the more you need to say something, the more likely what you need to say is at least mildly irrational, and something you’ll be at least mildly embarrassed about down the road.
Important words can wait a day or five. And they should be something you can tell your close friends first. If you can’t tell your friends? That should be a red flag for ya.
In addition: You do well to keep in mind that the person you want to say all that shit to will more than likely 1) not hear it and/or 2) not react at all the way you want them to.
PS if you want to tell me you just need to say it and you don’t want a reaction I will say the following: You are kidding and/or lying to me and to yourself. Just sayin.
Second: Whether or not a person is important in your life is entirely up to you. It is not some form of fate, no grand scheme of things where this connection means someone will always be in your life. No matter how real that feels in the moment, it’s not something determined by anyone but you.
You decide how important the people in your life are to you. Every one of them. Nothing and no one else. Period. Full stop.
That means as a healthy relationship, or just as someone you can’t stop pining over. They’ve more than likely already let you know they don’t need you around (whether in words or actions) so now it’s up to you how long you hang on to them for. And that is not Fate. It’s not Love.
Give it enough time and space, you will see everything in a new light.
Time and space are significant for healthy relationships with people, too. If, by chance, this person has done nothing more to you than no longer love you the way you love them, and you both want to be friends again one day, you still need to step away. If this person cares about you, then they will understand that you need time and space. They will provide you that, and they will still be there when you’re ready to come back – and start your new relationship from scratch.
I know, I know. More than one of you will read this and think Well Nikki doesn’t know/understand MY situation. And you’d be right. I don’t. But.
I bet if you actually do work to give yourself enough time and space, and to focus on something other than this person and your heartbreak, if you end the mantras that repeat over and over again how this person will always be in your life and you will always feel this connection… guess what?
You will realize you don’t know/understand your entire situation while you’re still eyeball-deep in it, either.
Just sayin. Take some time, some space…. and try to prove me wrong. I dare ya.