Do we still play by the rules?
I have this friend. I’ve talked about her before – but it should be noted that we’ve become better friends since I last brought her up. This would be one of the reasons this blog is anonymous – because I’m not always nice.
Regardless. For about the past four years, she has brought up, on occasion, her interest in women.
On occasion, that interest has been directed at me.
She has never been with a woman before, but she’s really like to. In fact, she believes herself to be a 3.5 on the Kinsey scale (self-proclaimed) but has never actually dating and/or had intimate relations with the fairer (ha ha) sex.
I do believe the closest Miss Three-Point-Five has gotten was a friend’s wedding several years ago. If you look back at the pictures, there is a series of the two of us at a table, with one of our guy friends awkwardly off to the side. Basically, in all three, she’s giggling uncontrollably and I look like I’m about to devour her.
Shortly thereafter, I dragged her lil ass to the parking lot. We made out some. And she giggled some more.
I saw Three-Point-Five recently out and about. As is often the case when she drinks, girl was practically humping my leg. Yet again. Oh yes, and did she mention that she and her BF broke up? She did?
And I thought, well ok, then. This might actually happen. That’s chill (I should mention I have no emotional involvement here. Aside from being into the whole sex thing, I don’t really care one way or another if this happens. Plus, let’s be honest. It’d be her first time with a chick – so I’d be doing all the work. Not that I mind at all – I really enjoy pussy. Anyway. Moving on.)
But then. I go to leave. I tell her (quite pointedly, I might add) to call me. She says no you call me…
Basically, by the end of this little exchange, it became really clear to me… this girl wants to be pursued.
Huh? What? Seriously?
Look. I get it. Being pursued is kinda hot. Got it. But, you know? Here’s my ish with this particular instance:
- We talked about this already: Since our lil wedding-parking-lot-make-out-sesh, Miss Three-Point-Five and I have talked on and off about her lesbian virginity. Basically, I’ve laid the offer on the table, told her all she had to do was ask. She told me was into it, too, and that she would take me up on it, when she was ready.
- Talk is cheap: In case you’re unaware, my first time with the ladies was not, shall we say, a positive one (while I’ve never blogged the entire story, you can read a little about it here and here). So. While I am happy to help you along your experimentation brick road, my past experience means I will never push you even a little bit if it’s your first time. I will be honest about my interest and willingness, and I will talk about it all you want and need to, but the primary indicator to me that you really do want this and you’re ready, is that you walk through that door on your own.
- It’s just sex: With Three-Point-Five this was always explicitly about sex only. I have no interest in being anything other than friends in the long-term. I’m not going to pretend otherwise, because that is a road I have no desire to go down (… hey I just want to go down… ha ha! ok. ). I will not risk there being any misconceptions about this based on my actions – see number #2 for additional information.
For those reasons? I am not for a second going to do anything even remotely relationship-y. And, therefore, I will not pursue. I don’t see a reason to, in fact, I see reasons not to. Furthermore, given #1 there, I don’t really understand why Three-Point-Five would even need me to. I have explicitly stated that she needs to tell me when she’s ready and that I am not going to push her on this.
And, really, I shouldn’t need to. This is something she’s talk about for three fucking years (… of no actual fucking). Why spend all that time wanting something, have very frank conversations about it, climb in my lap every chance you get… but then… you still need to be pursued?
And, PS, does this make me the dude or something?
Regardless of what we know rationally and what we say we want rationally… Three-Point Five’s behavior and exceptions really made me wonder: As much as we want to move beyond games and rules and Girls Do This and Boys Do That…
How deeply rooted are these things in how we date and create relationships?
We all complain about people who just like the chase… but how much of that dynamic remains in how we ascertain someone else’s interest, and maintain our own? We love to complain about The Rules… yet how much do we still rely on expected behavior? We say we’re so over gender roles in dating, that we all want to be equal around here… but how important is gender performance, really?
Despite what we think and vocalize, are we really paying attention to how our words are actually translated into behavior and expectations?
Do we really ever live in a world where dating and gender rules don’t apply?