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A Tale of Two Farm Boys…

August 31, 2011

OK. This isn’t a story about Ryan Phillipe (but the pic was so ridiculous I couldn’t resist).

And they’re not really farm boys. Well. At least I don’t think they are. But… I couldn’t think of a better quick descriptor for my title so…

And you know the type. Owns more than their fair share of Carhartt, plaid, and camo. Might need some help in the hair department, too – but have no desire to get it. A lil rough around the edges, none of the scruff contrived. But, let’s face it, we like ’em that way.

In the recent past, I’ve met two such gentlemen. Let’s name them… Joe and Mr. B. B. (because I have a sneaking suspicion Mr. B.B. may turn up again…).

I met Joe out for a couple drinks about a month ago. He was definitely cute, but also definitely farm boy-esque. We had a fine time, no lulls in conversation, he seemed like a nice dude. Etc. But. No chemistry on my end. No spark. Although everything was fine… I knew another date with Joe would just be a waste of both of our time. And don’t give me this bullcrap about “well just give it another try!” Um, how about no? When you know, you know. Why bother wasting time and leading him on?

And then there’s Mr. B.B. (those aren’t real initials, which I never use btw, they’re short for a very descriptive nickname). I have to say, Joe is better looking than Mr. B.B. But. Double-Bs? As far as I am concerned? He’s got whatever it is that Joe lacks. Abso-frigginlutely.

I didn’t go out with Mr. B.B. We just hung out recently among friends. And flirted. A lot. Boy was all up IN my business. And I clearly didn’t mind.

The contrast between these two dudes makes it really freaking clear: It’s not just about looks, people. It’s about attitude too.

Don’t get me wrong. Mr. B. B.’s “attitude” does not equate to “douchebagery.” It’s not cockiness, exactly. It is confidence, but it’s also… well, it’s game – but it’s not douchey or hey-baby-lemme-get-that-number. And, yeah, I get that it’s a fine line to walk.

So yeah. Unfortunately, Joe just doesn’t have it for me. He’s definitely a Nice Guy, and cute too, so I don’t doubt he will find a Nice Girl. But that Nice Girl? Isn’t me. Yeah, yeah I know – no kidding.

Mr. B. B.? Oh yes. He’s got it. Even though he’s not Ryan Phillipe in overalls (… with no shirt. I want it to be right… but it’s still wrong). He’s pretty normal. But hot damnare those my Vicky Secrets on the floor?

I’d like to use the contrast between these two scruffy, corn-fed gentlemen to make a couple points…

  1. It’s not just about looks. Sure, being physically attracted to someone is real important, but in my book? That doesn’t end with your physical appearance. Who you are, and how you interact with me, are a big part of it, too.

  2. Interaction preferences may differ. To take this a step further, just because I like how Mr. B. B. interacts with me, doesn’t mean it works on everyone. I’d argue that, just like with physical appearance (etc), we all have varying degrees of what we like in personality. For me? Mr. B. B. pushes my lil buttons. Or some of them anyway. Joe? Not so much. Do I think that Joe fails the how-to-talk-to-girls test? Actually, no. I don’t. He might fail the how-to-talk-to-me test, but he was fine with conversation (for the most part) and he seemed like a genuine Nice Guy. I fully believe that Mr. B. B. would come on… too strong for some ladies. And Joe? He’d be right up their, ahem, alley.

  3. Don’t force it. Despite the fact that Joe failed the talk-to-me test, I don’t know there is anything he can do about that. Would I buy Joe trying to pull off the flirtations of Mr. B. B.? Nope. Wouldn’t. Joe is better off just being himself and finding a lady who likes that – instead of trying to figure out what Mr. B.B. has that I enjoy. This would be the larger point here. Don’t try and force yourself into a particular mold, in terms of talking to new people. You are who you are. Work it.

We are, every damn day of our lives, surrounded by pressures that tell us THIS is the physical ideal! THIS is how you should look! At the same time, we’re bombarded with THIS is how you should act! THIS is what the ladies/gents love!

It blows. And, frankly, I kinda think it’s bullshit. I think we like what we like, in terms of physical appearance and personality. Sure, there is that cookie-cutter hot dude/chick that we all find appealing (Ryan in overalls, anyone?), but when it comes down to real effing life and face-to-face communication? There is no one-size-fits-all. And it actually is more than skin deep (anyone else try to date the dumb hot person?).

I also think we are who we are. Yes, absolutely, we should always be adjusting, changing, becoming better people, work on things we want to work on – but we shouldn’t force ourselves to be someone we’re not. Especially if the sole reason we’re doing that is because we think someone else will like us more for it.

Given all that (and in classic verbose fashion), I have to argue, even if I am a lone voice out here, that embracing who you are is far and away a better dating strategy than trying to follow some rules or guidelines that claim to be one-size-fits-all. Furthermore, we don’t all like the cookie-cutter Ryan Phillipes, so don’t worry if you’re not what every magazine is forcing down your throat as the end-all definition of attractive.

Find your confidence, find your comfort. Do you. I bet, at the very least, you’ll be happier for it.

“… I am what I am… I am my own special creation…”

24 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2011 11:25 am

    yes, yes, yes and YES! Completely agree with this. IT just has to be there or no dice. It’s the IT factor for me, and you just described it. The perfect storm of a connection, methinks 😉

    • August 31, 2011 8:15 pm

      Yep. The IT factor… very important. And IT can be different…

      ‘Course… there are also varying degrees of it, too. Mr. B.B. is a good flirt. He’s got IT but… there was this girl, I call her Kay, she knocked my freakin’ socks off, turned me bi (ha ha) and then, naturally, bailed (cuz bitch was cah-razy).

      So… IT factor can also be misleading…

  2. August 31, 2011 2:56 pm

    Definitely agree! Confidence in who you are and in what you want/like creates attractiveness. It is that certain attitude (and with that I do not mean being an a-hole) that makes it interesting.

    I’ve gone through the whole ridiculous phase of trying to fit into a mold (at some stage when I was younger) just because I thought that is what I was supposed to be. Guess what… it was a major fail. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, how are you ever going to attract someone who likes you for who you are and that you actually want to be with yourself.

    Now Ryan is pretty cute….. 😀

    • August 31, 2011 8:17 pm

      Yep. I think we all go through it, especially when we’re younger – or whenever we’re trying to figure out who we are and what fits. The key is being able to put down what doesn’t… can be tricky….

      Yes. Despite the shirtless overalls… Ryan is not all that bad… 😉

  3. August 31, 2011 8:47 pm

    Sorry it took me so long to comment. My computer is on the fritz due to my flooding issues GRRRR.

    So, once again I totally agree Nikki. Are you and I soul mates or something????

    But for real, I have seen this phenomenon again and again. How many times back in my meek period would I have a totally into me chick scooped from my arms by someone who had confidence. Well not many but a few…

    All you have to do is walk into any pub and see some slug of a guy with girls hanging all over him. Why?

    Cause he has MoJo!

    Confidence, the ability to be noticed in a crowd.

    I have that now, and I am not a great looking guy. My picture is available for all to see, I’m no Brad Pitt. But I do pretty good. Because I am approachable and friendly, that and I can flirt a nun out of her garb. But that’s another story.

    It’s not all looks people, go snag the girl or guy with your eyes. Your face, the way you move.

    Body type is all relative, we all have someone to love. Just go get em!!

    • September 1, 2011 8:33 am

      Game helps – but it might be different for different people. Sure, in some situations, the flirting helps a lot, but I don’t think it’s for everyone. You know? BUT I do think the key is being comfortable in your own skin and with who you are.

      PS We’re totally soul mates. 😉

  4. August 31, 2011 9:56 pm

    If you wanna know if she loves you so it’s in her kiss – that’s where it is ……..I don’t care how cool you are or how good looking or how sweet or…….I need to taste you and then I KNOW – any time I’ve ignored this prime rule it comes back to bite me…….So is that it? of course not but how you taste is a maker or breaker

    • September 1, 2011 8:34 am

      Mmmmm interesting… I’ve heard some people say smell is a dealbreaker… taste is a good one too…

      We should never overlook our senses. It’s a package deal…

  5. August 31, 2011 10:11 pm

    I went out with a smoking hot girl that my friends couldn’t believe I didn’t ask out again. When prompted, I said “the elevator doesn’t go to the top floor”

    • September 1, 2011 8:38 am

      Oh, I learned that lesson early. I tried to date this ridiculously hot dude once. He wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, either.

      If I can’t have a decent conversation with you, I start to lose interest. I don’t care how attractive you are.

  6. Movedup permalink
    September 1, 2011 4:44 pm

    Seriously…. please please please be on the same intellectual emotional level just make sure you brush your teeth. I used to have a rating system – he looks like a… coffee break, an evening or possibly a weekend. Then again there are those that require a brown paper bag and some duct tape. lol

    • September 2, 2011 9:20 am

      Oh dear! Ha ha!

      Miss you around these parts, woman! Hope you’re still keepin’ it hot! 😉

  7. September 1, 2011 5:34 pm

    Please send Joe my number…but not right now. Maybe in a few months. Preciate it!

    • September 2, 2011 9:21 am

      You got it! 😉 Hope you are hangin’ in ok lady… XOXO.

  8. September 2, 2011 3:43 am

    Oh, yes, please, please be who you are. Don’t read books that tell you to do this and do that to get the girl. Just be who you are and be confident in that. Authenticity is a HUGE turn on for me (unless you are an authentic asshole) – especially in this day and age when everyone is trying to be someone they’re not because they think people will like them better if they act that way.

    Or is that just LA? 😉

    • September 2, 2011 9:23 am

      Nope. Not just LA. Although might be worse in LA… not sure. Haven’t lived in SoCal for awhile…

      I like “authenticity”. That’s *exactly* it. And, if you’re an authentic asshole, at least you’re honest about it.

    • September 2, 2011 11:15 pm

      I have spoken to a great deal of California girls and they all seem to think that I would just slay out there with my rather blunt but gently honest attitude. I think I really came into my own when I stopped putting on airs and just became “Bob”. Like Nikki said we only have one skin so wear it proudly and make it your own.

  9. September 4, 2011 3:19 pm

    pretty sure nikki b and I are attracted to the same things.

    i agree with every word of this post. It’s always been about attitude for me. I guess that’s why there’s the whole bad boy vs good guy debate blah blah blah. And it’s true. The reason we don’t go for nice guys isn’t cus we want jerks… it’s a personality thing. We want some bite. Some challenge. Not a pushover.

    For me, it’s the perfect balance of confidence, attitude and general non-douchebaggyness. I’ve fallen for many guys that weren’t even initially good looking to me, just because their attitude was so hawt and it just made me wanna take clothes off.

    what can i say.

  10. September 6, 2011 9:23 am

    There was a recent study that showed that women who are more interested in casual sex prefer a more “aggressive” style of flirting from men.

    I cringe at the expression “Nice Guy”. Men will often interact with women in the way they perceive is acceptable but often time those perceptions are misinformed. So some men will repress or hide their sexuality so as not to get labeled as a “jerk.” I think that one sided dating advice where it either 1. assumes your looking for a committed relationship founded on a “friendship” right of the bat or 2. assumes your nothing but a player looking to “score” is a part of that.

    But of course for guys expressing sexuality can be a real tight rope walk since part of human sexuality (male or female) does often involve a degree of aggressiveness. The very term “flirting” implies going a little beyond the accepted boundaries. (“flirting with disaster” for ex.) I suppose it will always be the case that women will have a different sense of what’s too far beyond the accepted boundaries and what’s just right.

  11. September 7, 2011 9:20 pm

    Oh here here! I’ve tried to explain my ‘type’ to people and they often don’t get it because, well, it is isn’t a certain look or ‘genre’ of guy or gal. I could go for a jock or a musician or on occasion even a hipster, it is all about attitude and that little something in their personality that just makes me say, “Hey…let’s chat” or keep chatting. It’s all about connection and frankly, sometimes no matter how good looking some one might be, it just isn’t there.

    I agree whole heartedly.

  12. September 9, 2011 2:44 pm

    Believe it or not, I was once the pushover super nice guy. Obviously it didn’t get me very far, because let’s be honest: it’s boring. I was bored, they were bored, everything was boring.

    Unfortunately I’ve almost painted myself into a corner: Do you have any idea how few girls in Wisconsin are intelligent, not fat (as you can see, I’m a charmer), AND have a personality that won’t lull you to sleep? Now take a fraction of that as the ones I’d actually get along with, and that’s my potential dating pool. I think I need to move.

    But you’re right, it’s all about the personality. As a guy though, as the saying goes: “the penis wants what the penis wants,” so I’d be lying if I even implied that looks didn’t heavily factor into things. I’ve dated all over the map, and much like girls are drawn to assholes, I’ve been drawn to somewhat crazy girls because it’s the only way I’ve been even remotely challenged. It makes them unpredictable, fun at times, and it masks my desire for intellectual stimulation because I’m too busy trying to figure them out. Sigh.

    I’m sure I’ll find the right combination some day (minus the crazy… okay, maybe a little bit crazy). It’s just going to take time, and I’m not the most patient person in the world.


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