Skip to content

A thirty-thousand-dollar question.

July 12, 2011

So here’s something I haven’t shared with y’all yet.

In her will, my sister was going to leave $3,000 to a complete douche canoe from her past. Why? So he could take a “nice vacation“. This is a dude who was fucking horrible to her – and they remained “friends”.

She also wanted to leave thirty-fucking-thousand dollars to her ex boyfriend.

Even in the event of her death  she still sought some validation from and connection to these men.

It’s easy to *tsk tsk* such behavior from my sister, and shake your head in pity (seeing as how she suffered from anorexia, bulimia, and depression). It’s easy to see why she did that, to feel sorry for her. Sigh.

But, you know what? How different is she, really? How far off are her actions from the rest of us?

Who in your life, doesn’t actually deserve to be there? Who requires more from you than they give in return – by a wide fucking margin?

See, my sister sought validation through leaving undeserved gifts. We can certainly speculate on the reasons why: to cause them to think well of her after she was gone… or thankful… or guilty… Pretty obvious, really.

However. What about the rest of us? Do we not also leave such gifts… only in much more subtle ways?

Excuses, unwarranted – and often downright irrational.

Forgiveness, undeservedand not even asked for.

Support and love, unrequited – in even the most basic, or platonic, sense

Third and fourth chances, when one was clearly enough.

Or, simply, continued presence in your lifeat their discretion and convenience. 

Who do you hang on to, even though they have made it clear they should be let go?

Who do you hold close, even though they hurt you every time?

Who do you work hard to keep in your world, even though they always manage to cause destruction – whether you let them see it or not?

Who, in your life, do you know deep down you would give thirty-fucking-thousand dollars to, if it meant they would look at you differently? If it meant what they said, or what you felt, was true?

Or so that they wouldn’t leave?

Or… just because they asked?

Although it’s easy, we shouldn’t be so quick to judge my sister’s actions. Instead, we should take the lesson she is no longer capable of comprehending, and apply it to our own lives.

And, cheers to you – my friends who have already done so. Who have survived the pain of letting go someone that just got you  and stopped giving second, and third, and fourth chances – because those chances, while never warranted, would always be taken advantage of. Who survived the realization that “but the connection…!” was just an excuse… and learned, finally, to let it go. 

Holla – Miss Jess Downey and Miss Spin Light.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2011 11:40 am

    You make some excellent points Nikki. Rarely are mental issues dealt with by a family in a will before it’s too late.

    • July 12, 2011 3:16 pm

      Well. Actually this wasn’t supposed to be about her mental issues or her will. She is an adult, and, prior to recent events, she could do with her money as she pleased. I did not see her desire to leave these men this money as indicative of her eating disorder/depression – in fact that was pretty much the point I was trying to make.

      The fact that her will isn’t about her ED/depression – but about her desire to keep people around who don’t deserve to be there. Something we all do, something we are quick to judge in others, and something we should stop.

  2. July 12, 2011 11:49 am

    Wow. It would be very difficult for me to stomach that my sister would leave things to those that hurt her, in her will too. Completely. But you are right, no sense judging what she did, but to LEARN from it is the best way to comprehend it. Let it go, gain your own closure without relying on someone or something to give you closure. Closure is up to you as is moving on. XO.

    • July 12, 2011 3:20 pm

      OOOOOhhhhh trust me. It kinda floored my mom and me to read she originally wanted to do this. Completely.

      However, yeah, I think the greater lesson is when we step back from her decisions, which are easy to wrap up in her ED/depression, and look at it as something that isn’t particular to her, that her wanting to do that actually isn’t rooted in her mental state. It’s something that is far more prevalent. We all have been there, wanting to keep connections that are bullshit or have someone *actually* validate your feelings for them. If not personally, then we know people who do this – who hang on to exes and “friends” for no reason other than “but he/she just GETS me… I know he/she means it sometimes… [s]he’s just Excuse X Y Z.”

  3. July 12, 2011 1:37 pm

    Brilliant post Nikki! Really made me stop up and think… I believe most of us still have/had some people that we really should leave behind.

    and yes, i am reading a few posts on my holiday – even on the mega slow ‘puter that my parents own. 🙂
    Greetings from a sunny Sweden!

    • July 12, 2011 3:21 pm

      Thanks, buddy! I am glad it made you think a lil – but that’s something you should be avoiding while on vacay! Hope you are having a lovely time! 😀

  4. July 12, 2011 1:50 pm

    I’m saving this post, and I’m going to read it again in a few months, just to check on the people I’m keeping in my life.

    • July 12, 2011 3:22 pm

      Good plan, Stan. Tell Keifer we’re still watching him. 😉

  5. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    July 12, 2011 3:52 pm

    As soon as I woke up today, before I opened my e-mail to see you had tagged me in a post, I realized how grateful I was to all my readers for their continued support, especially in dealing with the men from my past. Thanks for the shout out!
    And you bring up excellent points in this post. If I made a will, I bet a few of the things I leave behind would go to a few unexpected people. It’s easier to see how undeserving those people are when you see the situation happening with another person.

    • July 12, 2011 8:17 pm

      You know, I never thought I’d find a community when I started blogging, but that’s really what it is. Pretty awesome, actually. And – obviously happy to be any part of what helps move past the shit.

      As for the rest of your comment: Isn’t that the thing? Deep down, we all have inclinations to do things for certain people… not because they’re deserving, but because we’re actually hoping for something *from* them. We don’t always know it, and we certainly aren’t always honest with ourselves about it. But. When you look at someone else… starts to become more clear…

      Hope you are hangin’ in and enjoying CA!!

  6. July 12, 2011 5:26 pm

    Guilty as charged. There’s someone in my life I KNOW I need to let go of. That I KNOW doesn’t deserve me. That takes advantage at every turn. The $30,000 question is how do I get my vagina and brain on the same page? I wish with all I have that he wasn’t so damn good at the sex!

    • July 12, 2011 8:22 pm

      OH man… Yeah, adding great sex to the mix really fucks it all up. You Vagina Brain AND your Girl Brain gang up on Rational Brain, tie her up, and throw her in the corner. Every once in awhile, she manages to get the gag off and yell something, but VB and GB usually get her tussed back up in no time.

      You just. have. to. stop. That’s all there is to it.

      I know I know – easier said than done. I’ve been there – and it took me almost two years to get that Crazy out of my life. Not because she was trying allllllllllll that hard to stay there, but because I was trying reeeeeeeeaaaalllllllllllllly hard to make something real that wasn’t. I think that’s part of the key – admitting to yourself the things you want to be true, that aren’t. I know it sucks more than anything, but it has to be done.

      They aren’t going to do the leaving for you, and let’s be honest, unless you do something different? You’re not going to let them very easily, anyway. It’s up to you.

      All that said, we all do things when we’re ready and in our own time. It’s also up to you how long that is. BUT, if the person you’re dealing with is anything like the person I’ve dealt with, and the people I’ve seen my friends deal with, then you’re just delaying the inevitable as long as possible, but fucking yourself royally in the interim. Trust me – it’s just time. But the first step is taking it.

      • July 13, 2011 11:54 am

        I think I’ve finally reached that point (after being cancelled on. Again. For the flimsiest and bullshitiest reason ever. It’s like he’s not ever really trying anymore). I lined up another date with someone that has potential for that night and I’m gonna do my best to not pick up that phone when, inevitably, 2 weeks from now I get the “Hey baby, what are you up to” message.

        Also, burlesque rocks!! I just started talking classes here and am gearing up for my first show. Does wonders for your self-esteem and body image!

      • July 13, 2011 9:01 pm

        Oh they can rope you back in SO EASILY it’s unbelievable. And that, inofitself, is really telling.

        You just have to say no. Start now – with how to keep yourself from doing it, but DON’T spend too much time thinking about it! You just start obsessing/preparing for the next line of communication – and that ISN’T moving on. At all! Really – it’s about deciding, really really deciding, that you’re done. Mourn what needs to be mourned AS IF you will never hear from them again. And, once you’ve put in some actions to take (like calling friends instead of that person, writing notes to yourself – or this blog! ha! – to read when they do, etc) start acting like you won’t. It is also about making a life *without* them. That’ll help too, because it fills up the space left behind. You CAN do this – but you have to decide it first.

  7. July 14, 2011 2:19 am

    I’m so late to the party, but I love this. It’s so easy to judge and not look at your own stuff.

    I have to say that as I my 40th year fast approaches I’m really taking stock of my life and who and what I keep in it. As a result I’ve finally let some people go – permanently. Of course there are definitely some that I am still hanging onto, for reasons I have yet to get super clear about, but I know – based on the decreasing drama and angst in my life – that I’m getting better at letting go of the dead weight, the crap that holds me back.

    We all have our own crosses to bear, lines to walk and decisions to make regarding how live our lives, and judging people based on what little we know of their lives makes no sense…especially since none among us can claim perfection or to know all the answers. Right?

    • July 15, 2011 7:30 am

      Oh absolutely. It’s amazing to me how much we judge other people. I do it. All the time. It’s just important to understand that and at least attempt to have a thought process about it. Be self-aware about your hypocritical… ness. At the key least (did I just make up a word)?

      As for letting people go… I’ve often noticed how the people I love the most, make it the easiest to keep them around. I mean, least amount of drama, and least amount of effort, if I want it to be that way. We can go months without speaking and pick right up with no problem at all. I never wonder if they’re not thinking about me, or caring about me, or worrying about what they’re thinking. And, you know, that’s where our efforts should go – calling more than every couple months. Because, the crux of the issue, IMHO, is that we *can’t* stay connected to everyone we want to. It’s too hard to maintain them all. And yet. We seem to try harder to maintain the ones that are least deserving.

      I think I just went off on a tangent from your comment, there. Whoops. But, yeah, drama decreasing is always a pretty good indicator that things are going in the right direction. Funny how sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve been putting up with until you start to let it go.

  8. July 14, 2011 6:52 pm

    You’re right that people want validation from others by the most useless means. Our sense of self-worth is often the cause of that.

    In contrast, this reminds me bitterly of when my father passed away & my asshole brother didn’t think I deserved the money he left me. People become different people altogether when it comes to money, especially inheritances. Incidentally, I have classified my own brother as one of those who doesn’t deserve to be in my life and we no longer speak.

    It’s feel like it’s hard to say anything about your sister without sounding patronizing or sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. So I’ll just say that I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. And these difficulties along the way don’t help at all. You’re a kind and loving woman and a great sister. She’s blessed to have you. Hugs…..

    • July 15, 2011 7:34 am

      Awww shucks, lady. Thanks. It’s still a process, but we’re getting through. Hugs back at ya – it’s not like you don’t understand difficulty! And I also understand what you mean when it feels difficult to say something…

      Augh. Your brother. I know people turn into freakin’ whack-jobs sometimes over money, but sounds like he’s a douche regardless. I know the saying “blood is thicker than water” but, given some of the families I’ve witnessed? I’d say “you can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends.” Just because there’s relation, doesn’t mean the person is deserving. Period.

  9. July 15, 2011 12:31 pm

    Beautiful Post Nikki – Hit home here too – I’ve been playing George Straight over and over lately – “It ain’t cool” to be crazy about you. What I have to remember is that, while I may not have created the situation, I did perpetuate it trying to recapture something lost and set myself up just like your sister. Wonderful post, beautifully written

  10. July 18, 2011 5:24 am

    Gosh that’s just so sad though! Those guys wouldn’t for a second have thought any better of her.

    I know I’ve caught myself spending energy on people who I want to like me more, who probably don’t deserve or appreciate my energy as much as a real friend would…


  1. A thirty-thousand-dollar question. (via Women Are From Mars) « regular cup of coffee

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: