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Yay for Gay! Month Post I: The first causality.

June 7, 2011

Yo yo yo! OK – back to it! With somewhat of a cop-out! Sorry – but there is a reason I’m posted something I wrote previously and not something new: In honor of Let Your Rainbow Flag Fly Month, I’m posted related stuff for the rest of June. This week – we revisit When Nikki Came Out Of The Closet She Didn’t Know She Was In.

Today’s post is something I wrote in August 2007 as I started to come out as bi to my friends. Sure, they knew That One Thing had happened with That One Girl but… this was after I decided it wasn’t just her…. maybe… I’m not so straight. Today, a reaction that wasn’t so Yay for Gay! – but one that is, unfortunately, something others can certainly relate to.

Interestingly enough… this does seems somewhat fitting as I attempt to find my New Normal. Although on completely different levels, these were both periods of significant turmoil and change, in many aspects of my life.

Friday, August 10, 2007
“the first casualty…”
Current mood
: 😦 Sad
Category: Life

Well. So it begins.

So begins the goodbyes. The ends of things.

I guess it’s ok that the first one was one of the worst. The most difficult. As she hugged me, and we both sobbed, and I couldn’t help just thinking… “this is goodbye.”

She wants to think that things will come back around, that we will come back to being how we were. I know she wants it to be how it was, and the part about that that sucks? I know she wants it to be how it was for her sake and for mine. 

I mean… It’s easy to think that she wants it to be how it was so that she would feel better and not feel bad and her life would be normal again … but I know that isn’t it.

She wants it to be back to normal so she can be here for me, as much as she wants me here for her. She doesn’t want to cause me any more pain. She wants it to be how it was so that we will go back to being there for each other.

But what she doesn’t understand is, allowing things go back to how they were, pretending that she doesn’t think or feel the way that she does, means it would all be a lie. The friendship would be a sham.

And. I can’t.

I can’t have people in my life that need to think about how they act or what to say to me. That need to think about that. People that need to hide what they think or how they feel. I don’t need people in my life right now that have to..

…accept me…

I never realized until these moments how much the word “accept” just… hurts. It sounds fine but… I don’t go around thinking… “oh… I accept this person or that person.”

The only time I use the term accept is when I am … making room for someone’s faults.

Who I am and what I feel right now are not faults. I don’t want you to have to accept them, like they are some bad habit I have. Some piece or part of me that you’ll take, that you’ll put up with, along with the good stuff.


And I think who I am… is the good stuff. I don’t want you to have to … accept it.

I knew things like this would happen, but … I just didn’t know she would be the first I would lose. I didn’t know I would lose her at all, to tell you the truth. And that makes it even worse.

In all honesty? I don’t know who I will be or what I will want in the end of this. I may revert back to [being straight]… but I doubt it. I have come too far, have seen too much, have realized that I am capable of too many things… have awakened to the fact that… there are no boundaries on my heart. I don’t see forgetting that or deciding it wasn’t real.

And so it begins. The end of things.

But those endings… as difficult, as painful, as heartbreaking as this one is… as hard as the others will be…

They are a part of me becoming someone else. They are a part of this shedding of my old life. They are the pieces I won’t take with me, when I become who I will be …

When I find myself.

Leaving them behind… is a part of how I begin again.

No one said it would be easy… but no one said it’d be this hard…”

11 Comments leave one →
  1. June 7, 2011 2:59 pm

    A great post Nikki. Sad but yet… defiant? And you are right, it can in many ways be fitting in various aspects.

    • June 8, 2011 9:38 am

      Yes – I think “defiant” is appropriate. It is really interesting how much I dislike people using “accept” and “acceptance” to when they talk about other people. About things other people do that have *nothing* to do with them and are certainly not detrimental.

  2. June 7, 2011 7:48 pm

    I was trying to think of something I’ve ever had to tell someone when I wasn’t sure of the reaction. Something big…Something that could change everything. I couldn’t think of anything. Must take a lot of courage.

    • June 8, 2011 9:42 am

      It’s tough – and absolutely easier not to say anything at all, really. But, even though it’s tough, I don’t think you realize *how* tough until after the fact – when people don’t miss a beat. It seems simple, but it means SO MUCH. That part I didn’t expect. It was pretty amazing…

  3. Fantasminha permalink
    June 8, 2011 3:04 pm

    Remember that ending also means a new beginning. Don’t lose sight of that.

    • June 9, 2011 9:26 am

      Always! This is definitely something we don’t always think about – but always should. There is often great opportunity in turmoil!

  4. Movedup permalink
    June 8, 2011 7:13 pm

    How about appreciate Nikki – just appreciate who you are – for the beauty I see – so raw and honest – heartfelt and free. To be honest I look to women’s compliments more than mens actually although I am straight. I would rather have a lesbian tell me I am beautiful than a man. For some reason I trust them more to tell me the truth without an agenda. My good girlfriend L once told me how beautiful I was in the deepest heartfelt way that she nearly made me cry. She said “How could anyone not just love you”. Sorry moment there – great girlfriend but no sexual attraction there just love from the heart. So pure – without any expectations. Maybe thats it – just pure love and appreciation for the woman I am. I don’t accept you Nikki – I appreciate all that you are, all that you share and all your love and support . You truly are an exceptional woman.

    • June 9, 2011 9:32 am

      Awwww shucks woman! I think you made my day! *blush*

      Yes – compliments from other women can be very meaningful. On one hand, I think it’s because we are taught to be so competitive in our society, but I don’t see that in our actual nature. I think women are meant to build strong social bonds, but the way our culture is, we tend to compete and shame one another instead. For that reason, giving compliments to other women really seems to mean something. I’ve learned that one of the quickest ways to win over other women, or at least start out a relationship on the right foot, is to pay her a compliment. It needs to be sincere, but if you notice she has great jewelry or a stunning skirt, tell her and she’ll appreciate it.

      On the other hand, when we do form those bonds, we tend to mean what we say with such depth and feeling. Those compliments aren’t even compliments any more – they’re far more.

      I really like saying “appreciate” instead of “accept.” We talk *so much* about “acceptance” when we talk about people who are different – be that different sexual orientation, race, religion, etc. I never thought twice about it until I came out, but I think we need to move beyond “acceptance” and “tolerance” to a place where we instead *appreciate* the diversity around us.

      Much love! 😀

  5. June 13, 2011 12:35 am

    hey, i think your boundary-less heart is kinda great.


    • June 13, 2011 8:45 am

      Yep. No fences here.

      Thank you lovely! 😀


  1. Rainbow Flags! Pride Month Post II: I’m comin’ out… « Women Are From Mars

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