Yay for Gay! Month Post I: The first causality.
Yo yo yo! OK – back to it! With somewhat of a cop-out! Sorry – but there is a reason I’m posted something I wrote previously and not something new: In honor of Let Your Rainbow Flag Fly Month, I’m posted related stuff for the rest of June. This week – we revisit When Nikki Came Out Of The Closet She Didn’t Know She Was In.
Today’s post is something I wrote in August 2007 as I started to come out as bi to my friends. Sure, they knew That One Thing had happened with That One Girl but… this was after I decided it wasn’t just her…. maybe… I’m not so straight. Today, a reaction that wasn’t so Yay for Gay! – but one that is, unfortunately, something others can certainly relate to.
Interestingly enough… this does seems somewhat fitting as I attempt to find my New Normal. Although on completely different levels, these were both periods of significant turmoil and change, in many aspects of my life.
Friday, August 10, 2007
“the first casualty…”
Current mood: 😦 Sad
Well. So it begins.
So begins the goodbyes. The ends of things.
I guess it’s ok that the first one was one of the worst. The most difficult. As she hugged me, and we both sobbed, and I couldn’t help just thinking… “this is goodbye.”
She wants to think that things will come back around, that we will come back to being how we were. I know she wants it to be how it was, and the part about that that sucks? I know she wants it to be how it was for her sake and for mine.
I mean… It’s easy to think that she wants it to be how it was so that she would feel better and not feel bad and her life would be normal again … but I know that isn’t it.
She wants it to be back to normal so she can be here for me, as much as she wants me here for her. She doesn’t want to cause me any more pain. She wants it to be how it was so that we will go back to being there for each other.
But what she doesn’t understand is, allowing things go back to how they were, pretending that she doesn’t think or feel the way that she does, means it would all be a lie. The friendship would be a sham.
And. I can’t.
I can’t have people in my life that need to think about how they act or what to say to me. That need to think about that. People that need to hide what they think or how they feel. I don’t need people in my life right now that have to..
I never realized until these moments how much the word “accept” just… hurts. It sounds fine but… I don’t go around thinking… “oh… I accept this person or that person.”
The only time I use the term accept is when I am … making room for someone’s faults.
Who I am and what I feel right now are not faults. I don’t want you to have to accept them, like they are some bad habit I have. Some piece or part of me that you’ll take, that you’ll put up with, along with the good stuff.
BECAUSE THIS IS ME.
And I think who I am… is the good stuff. I don’t want you to have to … accept it.
I knew things like this would happen, but … I just didn’t know she would be the first I would lose. I didn’t know I would lose her at all, to tell you the truth. And that makes it even worse.
In all honesty? I don’t know who I will be or what I will want in the end of this. I may revert back to [being straight]… but I doubt it. I have come too far, have seen too much, have realized that I am capable of too many things… have awakened to the fact that… there are no boundaries on my heart. I don’t see forgetting that or deciding it wasn’t real.
And so it begins. The end of things.
But those endings… as difficult, as painful, as heartbreaking as this one is… as hard as the others will be…
They are a part of me becoming someone else. They are a part of this shedding of my old life. They are the pieces I won’t take with me, when I become who I will be …
When I find myself.
Leaving them behind… is a part of how I begin again.
“No one said it would be easy… but no one said it’d be this hard…”