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Thank you for waiting.

May 11, 2011

Thanks a lot [*sarcasm*] Michael Franti and Spearhead for this video. Which appeared on MTV this morning (I like to zone out to bad pop – and whatever else has a music vid – during my workouts) while I was on the treadmill (yes, sometimes I run. I don’t pretend to like it). Look, I understand that it’s entirely possible I’ll have some kind of breakdown when I least expect it but… at the gym? Really?

As much as I want to start fucking feeling something, I’d PREFER it not happen at the damn gym.

And, furthermore, do we really want to keep reinforcing my already well-developed ability to block this?


I wonder if Mr. Franti understands how incredibly significant it is to tell someone “I’ll be waiting”… and fucking mean it.

In this world of nano-second communication, of connection across continents and oceans, where we no longer need to be in the same room to be face to face, where everything we want to have and know and hear and understand is at our fucking fingertips, where everything moves (sometimes quite literally) at the speed of light… what happens when real fucking life knocks you on your ass?

What happens when you can’t keep up, not because you don’t want to, but because, despite all of our technology, real fucking life does not happen in nanoseconds, and what’s more? Even when everything does change in the blink of an eye? We are not wired to deal with real fucking life in an instant.

My sister is not going to get better over night. She’s not wired that way. We have to remind ourselves, over and over again, that it’s real fuckin’ easy to think she’s progressed further than she actually has. And, as she recovers cognitive ability, this shit is, more than likely, going to get pretty fucking difficult all over again. Just in a different way.

I am not going to get over this over night, either. And while I know that, I also can’t force the process, no matter how much I want to. That is pretty fucking clear. And, as my sister recovers, there are going to be more bumps in the road. Or gigantic car-swallowing potholes. Whatever. So it’s not like this shit is over.

And yet. Life continues. The world spins madly on.

In the week before I came home, it wasn’t a particularly good idea for me to be on Facebook. My burlesque company had two shows (one a fairly big deal) and a photo shoot while I was gone. Looking at the pictures made me fucking sad. And jealous. Reading about all of my friend’s lives, the things they were doing and how they were happy…. I was resentful.

The minute we stand still, because we choose to or because we’re forced, it’s so easy to watch the world spin on without us. Because it does.

It has never really sunk in for me how much attention and caring are required for someone to wait for you. It’s so easy for us, in this day and age, to move on. To say “oh, so sorry” in the moment… and then get wrapped up in our nano-second lives.

You never understand how important it is that people are waiting for youuntil you’re the one who can’t keep up.

I know that people are waiting for me. I also know that some are not, and that’s ok, too. It has to be. There shouldn’t be hard feelings against those who don’t care enough or know enough to wait… but the focus should instead be on the people who are still there.

And on the understanding that, when it’s your turn, you’ll make sure someone else knows you’re waiting.

Thank you:

Ivy Blaise

Bob from Winnipeg

Jess Downey

Jax from Brooklyn

Skye Blue

… and everyone else who is waiting for me. Much much love.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. May 11, 2011 2:11 pm

    I have all the time you need, life does go on around all of this chaos. But I’ve been in the shoes you’re wearing now, and sometimes just knowing someone is waiting is enough to get you through the day.

    • May 11, 2011 4:16 pm

      I know you’ve been here before, and I appreciate all of your advice. Plus, you are living proof it does get better again. Yes, sometimes knowing people truly are waiting makes all the difference.

  2. May 11, 2011 2:13 pm

    That is what friends are for… even if it is across the pond.

    As the famous words in any Guinness commercial: “Good things come to those who wait”. Anyhow… we’ll just have to have that pint one day. 🙂


    • May 11, 2011 4:16 pm

      I know – it’s the freakin’ truth (the friends part). I am glad to see we can continually bring this back to Guinness. I am ok with that being a running theme.

      One day, Ivy, one day… 🙂

      • May 11, 2011 4:27 pm

        LOL!! Glad to hear that.

  3. May 11, 2011 4:53 pm

    We’ll wait. You’re worth it.


    • May 12, 2011 12:28 pm

      Awwww shucks. Thanks Jax. It’s good to read your blog again – you’ve certainly been a great supporter and inspiration to me.

  4. May 11, 2011 5:23 pm

    You’re welcome and I agree with JFB 100%

    xoxo (times like a million)

    • May 12, 2011 12:32 pm

      This is what gets me through, guys. And your support means so much coming from people like you and Jax, with such amazing blogs. Sometimes I am really in awe of how many people with great blogs still show up to read mine… ha.

      xoxoxo right back at cha.

  5. May 11, 2011 5:51 pm

    Again, beautifully written and heartfelt…raw and poetic. I love your words and can appreciate the pain you are in. I think I will step away from my gadgets now and go outside for a walk before meeting a friend for real one on one face time later today.


    • May 12, 2011 12:38 pm

      YES. This would be the reaction I hope for. 😀

  6. May 11, 2011 8:35 pm

    Nikki! I’m sending a large internety hug at you!

    I think the fact that the world spins on – with or without me- is actually kind of nice. It’s something constant, and unchangable, and it means that if I need to stand still for a moment, well that’s fine, because the world will keep spinning along anyway.

    • May 12, 2011 12:40 pm

      Umm… yeah. You’re right. We should all be able to embrace that there is comfort in that. We all feel so off when the world goes on without us, but maybe we shouldn’t take it so personally. It’s a good thing everything else is connected to us.

      Plus. If everyone waited for you, how could you pick out the ones good for your life and the ones good for someone else? 😉

  7. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    May 15, 2011 11:59 pm

    I’m waiting for you, just like you’ve always been here for me. ❤

    • May 16, 2011 8:57 am

      ❤ Of course. 🙂

      Congrats again on finishing up school! Hoorah for the next stage…

  8. May 16, 2011 1:12 am

    Teva, Isabel and I send scratchy-tongue kisses.

    • May 16, 2011 8:58 am

      Really, what I’m missed is an Isabel to sleep on my head.

  9. Movedup permalink
    May 16, 2011 2:38 pm

    Glad you’re back Lady! Yes you are worth waiting for FUCKIN ABSOLUTELY! You have been an inspiration to me and others. Never forget the difference you make – one person reaching across the globe making a change in perspectives- challenging beliefs. At least I can say that personally – you have made a difference in my life. I am out there dancing, singing and accepting that its really ok to be me and LET THAT INNER EXHIBITIONIST OUT! I should be dancing in a cage not living in one for that I thank you.
    Humbly yours

    • May 17, 2011 9:44 am

      Awwww thanks sweetie! This really makes my day… know that you are breaking down your inhibitions and being yourself, and loving you! YES dance in that cage, don’t live in it!


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