… keeping it all in …
Guest post the second…
A good friend of mine is going through a really difficult breakup. She initiated it, and I know she’s doing the right thing but… just because it’s right doesn’t make it any easier… Just because you did the ending, doesn’t absolve you of pain. Of heartbreak. It just means you did the hard thing that needed to be done.
She’s a pretty private person, so she’s been having some trouble working through it, getting her thoughts and feelings out. She’s not really one to share. I offered a guest post, as a new medium – to see if it helped. See (this is totally weird, I know) when I was going through my Really Bad Shit, I used to write private post on my Myspace page (back when I had one). They weren’t open for my friends to read – and my friends often asked me “wtf??”
My only response was… for some reason, it helped to put something out into the world. Away from me. Even though I did not want my friends to read it.
I thought maybe, since I’m anonymous and none of our mutual friends even know I have this blog, she might benefit similarly – by being able to put her words, her thoughts, out… away from her. Without revealing herself too much to people she knows.
The words she wrote, to me, are beautiful. Simple. And yet something that, if you’ve been through it, will resonate with you. Even though you don’t know her or know anything about what she’s going through. It did with me. I told her she should start a blog – but she’s not really the type…
The tiredness does not dissipate. The slight but constant tension in my shoulders is exhausting. My hands tremble.
There is no movement but my heart constantly races. I stare blankly ahead. All I see is your devastated face.
I feel I have no right to cry. No right to show the pain. This is my fault.
I focus on my work.
The mundane office banter makes me smile.
For a moment, a brief blissful moment, I am relaxed.
I reach out to the people around me. I hold on to my friends. Every word, every touch, every smile keeps me afloat.
These are the moments when I feel I can do this. When I affirm to myself I have done the right thing. The right thing.
My mind wanders restlessly between memories. Some happy… some better forgotten. To memories of anger and tears.
Why did you never listen? Why did you never understand? Understand what I needed, longed for, craved?
So many years spent trying. Trying to find a way to make it work. Trying to tell myself it would be enough.
There are times when I feel nothing. No sadness, no joy, no relief, just emptiness. It scares me.
Then it hits me full force.
I try to control myself but I cannot control the tremor in my chin.
I fist my hand, ignoring the pain.
When you are not there I cry. Over the loss of something that could have been beautiful. Over the fact that it was not enough.
Part of me wants to just shut down. Ignore the emotions. Part of me wants to loose control.
I want to rage at the universe. Pound something to pieces. Scream until I loose my voice.
Instead I smile when asked if I’m OK. Assure all that are concerned that I am fine.
…..Who am I kidding?
How did it get to this? Why is there no magic switch? Where did we go wrong?
I keep it all in.
You are still here.
I cannot bring myself to do anything.
My concentration is gone.
I feel wrung out.
I need to leave.