When is a douche canoe not a douche canoe?
First. Think all the waaaaaay back to… holy shit. September? Really? Yikes. Well. Basically, I’d like to update you on my good friend Amy and her trials and tribulations with Mr. Sweetness & Light. Or Mr. Douche Canoe/Titanic. Whatever.
Amy met Mr. Sweetness&Light (apparently) way back in September. She’d been kind of shit on for awhile (but experiences we all know well…), Mr. Sweetness just seemed… well, all Sweetness and Light. Like something she could trust.
They spent a good two weeks pretty much either at work or in each other’s company.
Then. The other shoe kicked Amy square in the ass. Mr. Sweetness had a girlfriend. She may live in a completely different country but… and she had been his girlfriend for a year and a half. And she’s coming to visit for two-and-a-half-weeks.
So. Amy went on vaca (thank god) while Mr. Sweetness has a lil visitor (so – Amy has to try not to think about the fact that he’s fucking some other chick this entire time – that’s fun). And, no, he didn’t tell Singapore Sally (his GF – she’s not from Singapore, she’s from Montana) about Amy before she got here. That would have been a good idea. Something Mr. Sweetness seems incapable of.
OK. Will try to wrap this sordid tale up quickly.
Mr. Sweetness does tell Sally about Amy about a week and a half into her visit (I think that’s right). Sally spends the evening dry-heaving into the toilet (who hasn’t been there – but in his house when you can’t leave? That has to suck.)
Sally finished out her visit and goes home. Sweetness tells Amy it’s over and he wants to be with her. All is well. Kind of.
Until. Boxes begin arriving at Mr. Sweetness’s apartment. They are from Sally. Oh right – Sally is moving out here. Oh re-he-he-ally.
Amy finally loses it and tells Mr. Sweetness her stuff needs to go. He needs to have it put in storage and he needs to cut off all contact with Sally (for the good of everyone – including Miss Singapore – seriously).
He swears he will. He swears he has.
All is (once again) well. Kind of. They go back to spending every minute together.
Fast forward to last month. Amy ends up looking at Mr. Sweetness’s e-mail one day (yes – totally not something she should have done, but how can you resist?? I mean, really???) Oh… a lil e-mail from Sally that says the following:
“So I leave tomorrow for Australia so I won’t be in touch as much as we have been. I will have plenty of time to think, and I agree that this break has been good for us. We’ll be stronger on the other side.”
What. The. FUCK.
SO. Naturally Amy confronts Sweetness immediately (and admits her invasion of his privacy – which he seems perfectly ok with). He says that he has been in touch with Sally but he just didn’t know what to do yadda yadda yadda. He does end up Skyping Sally and telling her it is really over and he’s done, that he will put her stuff in storage. She says she knew it was over and ok.
In addition… there are a whole bunch of g-chats between Sweetness and Sally. Not recent chats, but… chatting with her and Amy at the same time while we were in Italy (and after he tells Amy it’s over). And when Amy was at work, after she got back (he isn’t currently working – but he has plenty of cash at the moment).
And… there’s the fact that I was a complete bitch to him when I got back from Europe (I am not all that good at the fake-nice thing. Apparently that makes other people uncomfy sometimes so I am working on… not being so obvious about it…). I was slightly inappropriate. Afterward, he asked Amy why she “is even friends” with me (really asshole?).
So. At this point? Amy holds fast to this claim: he just fell into a relationship with Sally because they had been friends for so long, then he met Amy and she totally knocked his socks off and he just got in over his head.
She realizes he made mistakes (HUGE ones), that he was a coward and has been doing things that really only benefit him and are terrible for both her and Singapore Sally.
But. He loves her. He sparkles his ass of… mostly.
Although… she’d like a lil more acceptance of responsibility. For instance. She doesn’t think he really understands what it is he did. He also thinks that by just telling Amy he “chose” her, and that he loves her, that’s enough. But these are things he was saying while lying through his teeth about still being in contact with Sally. What would have made Amy more comfortable? Is if he had been straight up from the get-go. And, if there is one thing we’ve learned, it’s that words don’t mean shit.
That, and Sally’s stuff is still at his house.
Ok. That’s the deal. Look, I don’t want to discuss what a Douch TITANIC Mr. Sweetness is. The issue here is, after you find out what an asshat someone has been, if they tell you that they are sorry and that they love you… what then?
See, the bottom line here is that Amy is not ending this. She’s trying to go with it, because of what Sweetness says and because of how she feels. In spite of the lying, asshole shit. Thus… the relationship is not the issue here.
In my head, the issue is instead… how do you move past this? I know I am struggling with trusting this guy, even though it’s not really my issue – but Amy is too. Is it really ok to decide he was in over his head? That he is just another dude who could not man the fuck up and deal with his situation properly? Can he learn to grow some balls? That someone deserves to be trusted on words alone? And given another (note I did not say second – I think he’s already had that) chance?
I think this actually ties into something Jackie from Brooklyn brought up so eloquently recently: the balance between character and charisma. Can a dude learn character? And do you forgive him his [gigantic horrible] mistakes so that he can do that?
Oh, dear readers. What do you think? Should Amy be doing this, and if so, any advice on how to truly forgive and forget? Or is a relationship built on such a beginning doomed from the start?