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‘Tis the season: My Resolutions for Other People.

January 4, 2011

So. As is tradition with a whole brand-spankin-New Year, I figured it’s time for a lil Resolution-ing.

But, you know, who wants to read all about the things I should change? Who am I to be so selfish with other people’s time?

So, instead, I decided to write my Resolutions for Other People. Hey, I’m still in the holiday spirit, really – giving is better than receiving (sometimes).

Without further ado…and in absolutely no particular order…

Nikki B’s 2011 Resolutions for Other People:

1. Learn How To Drive: Or at least how to drive consistently. Don’t speed up while I am passing you on the freeway (that’s just being an asshole) or when I am passing you on a dashed yellow line (that’s just dangerous). There is a reason I caught your ass, douche bag, and the reason is I am going faster than you.

Really, if you see [my car] with [my license plate] coming, you should just get out of the way. It would make life much more pleasant for both of us.

2. Speaking of driving, Learn How to Deal With Bikes on the Road: When the weather is back to normal and I’m not behind the wheel, I’m still a vehicle too – treat me as such. Even if I am a very breakable one. Stop either freaking out that I exist (omfg I might swerve into traffic at any moment!!… ok, actually I might, but let me worry about that) or deciding that the best way to deal with my existence is to drive faster/get past me/run me over.

3. Shop Small, Buy Local: Yes, I realize it costs more money. But. If you can afford it? Shop your local businesses and farmer’s markets. You get to know who you’re giving your hard-earned cash to, grow community in your area, end up with better products/food (trust me that your body will loooove you), and reduce your carbon footprint/bad environmental juju all in one fell swoop. Resources: More reasons, a whole magazine about why you should, and to find out how in your area, just google “my area go local/farmers market” and see what you find!

4. Waste Not, Want Not: Honey, if it ain’t broke, why fix it/turn it in for a newer model. Look, we live on a planet with finite resources. Your waste goes somewhere and your Brand New Shiny Thing was made from something. This also works for food. Just stop buying crap you don’t need.

5. Don’t Be So Afraid of Educated People – or, if that’s too difficult, Educate Yourself: Where the FUCK did this culture of distrusting/hating the educated come from in this country? And why don’t you want it running things? The last guy was (or at least pretended to be) a complete moron and look how that turned out. If you think someone is smarter than you? Maybe they can teach you something, and furthermore, I promise you are smarter than they are in something else. If they beg to differ with this and actually think they’re smarter than you period? That would be some damn good evidence that they’re not.

6. Stop Watching Fox News: Those fuckheads are rewriting US history. And not in a good way. And then all the mongering of fear and hate. Just stop it. SSsssstopit (yes, Amy, that is a reference to your Mother).

7. Practice What You effing Preach: Want to tell me all about the importance of Christian values and WWJD? Then fucking live them: remember all that about the rich dude and the eye of the needle, and that Jesus actually was all about loving your fellow man. Want to stand on your soapbox about the importance of environmentalism and going veggie? Then fucking stop having five kids (bigger carbon footprint than any SUV – wake the fuck up – adopt, people), use fucking public transportation, educate yourself on the importance of eating local (meat or no meat). Bottom line? Put a lil more effort into understanding your choices and priorities. Especially if you are going to preach them to me.

8. Learn Compassion: My trip to Europe really drove home how importance the kindness of strangers is. Just be fucking nice – you never know how much it means to someone else.

9. Keep Your “Values” to Yourself: Stop telling me what I can do with my body and who I can spend my life with. Live your life, and let me live mine.

10. Speaking of values, why value hate? Stop Hatin’: I fucking LOVE this.

11. Reduce, Reuse, and Compost: I think  most people got the message on recycling. What they don’t often understand is that it should be the last thing you do (it still uses energy and causes some serious waste). Instead, reduce your consumption (for the love!), reuse what you’ve got, and learn composting – it can be easier and less messy than you might think. Resources: Compost Guide, Mother Earth News, Composting in the City).

And finally, in an effort to come back to dating and all…

12. Try Something New: Whether it’s a strap-on or celibacy, don’t knock it til you try it, and you won’t know how you feel about it until you do. Clearly we need more openness about sex in this society, but as Met Another Frog pointed out, we need straight talk about not doing it too.

13. Learn to Be Alone Without Being Lonely/Deal with Your Baggage: As I mentioned, being single is pretty damn important. Running form one relationship to another isn’t the best way to deal with your shit. And I sure as hell don’t want to date it.

14. Be Honest: With the people you date, and with yourself.

15. Grow Some Mother Fucking Balls: Hate it when girls cry? Afraid she’ll flip shit? She might – but man the fuck up and deal with it instead of pretending things are fine when they’re not. Or just disappearing (aka don’t be the Ghost Man).

16. Learn to Talk, and Learn to effing Walk: If you think I just directed #15 at the menz, then this one is for the ladies: if you’re unhappy? Stop fucking overanalyzing and have a fucking conversation. If you can’t do that because he shuts you out/you’re afraid he’ll leave? Well. There’s your answer. If you’ve already talked? More than once? You may have learned to talk, honey, but now it’s time to stop nagging and learn how to fucking walk.

(Please note that OF COURSE #15 and #16 are applicable to both boys and girls, I’m just going with the stereotype there…)

OK kids. I am sure I could think of many more, but this lady thinks she’s run her mouth enough for the first post of 2011. What do you think I missed? Any Resolutions for Others you’d like to add?

It’s good to be back – I missed you!



28 Comments leave one →
  1. January 4, 2011 10:19 am

    I wholeheartedly agree with pretty much everything your proclaiming today Nikki.
    The drivers in the other lane that speed up drive me freaking nuts!! Just get your slow ass car off the road or learn to use another gear before I come up behind you numb nuts.

    Fox news, GOD how do you people put up with it. I don’t even get Fox News Channel here in Canada but already I am sick up to my eyeballs with the hypocrisy they blather on and on about. I am a firm believer in WWJD, J being Jessie “The Body” Ventura. I think that he would pretty much kick the living crap out of everyone of those slack jawed mouth breathers on that channel, and he’s a Republican for gawd sakes.

    Learning to walk the talk is another big one. It’s become a major theme in my life this last year. Hitting 40 has been a milestone marker for me to deal with all of the built up crap and stuff in my life. Time to get into high gear and become a worth while human being. So if I say it you can bloody well believe that I am going to do it.

    That’s a promise that Jessie could take to the bank.

    Glad to see you back in writing form!!

    • January 4, 2011 11:20 am

      I deal with Fox News by watching Jon Stewart.

      Oh yes. We all need to walk the walk. I feel like we’re often good at talking the talk, but turning that into action? Or really understanding what it is we’re saying? Less so. Sounds like you’re one of the walkers though – good on ya, buddy!

      Glad to be back! Hope you had a wonderful Xmas and NYE!

      • January 4, 2011 12:53 pm

        Yes I must agree with you there, The Daily Show seems to be a perfect cure all for what ails the right wing on the American eagle.

        Time to maybe pluck a few feathers I think.

        But what do I know I am Canadian after all. All we have is affordable health care and 6 feet of snow 6 months of the year.

  2. January 4, 2011 10:20 am

    Thanks for the shout-out! Great stuff here!

    • January 4, 2011 11:23 am

      Hey thanks! You ladies have a great blog!

  3. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    January 4, 2011 10:52 am

    Uh … not to be the smart-ass nerd, but isn’t #9 a bit out of place in a resolutionating blog?

    • January 4, 2011 11:22 am

      Nope. I think other people should resolve to keep their values to themselves instead of assuming they should apply to me too. Surely that’s something we can all resolve to do?

      Hope all is well back there! Be home soon…

  4. January 4, 2011 11:04 am

    Welcome to 2011. Nice to see you back. 🙂

    I was going to write a post about resolutions myself but decided that today in not the day… am way too narky and would come across as the bitch from hell, (being sick does that to me). So I enjoyed reading your excellent post instead and all I can further say is “Hear, Hear!”

    • January 4, 2011 11:24 am

      Sometimes bitchy resolutions are the best – just don’t aim them at yourself! I am sorry you’re sick and hope you feel better soon!

      Glad you enjoyed the post! And glad to be back!

  5. January 4, 2011 11:35 am

    #15…I love it. Please write a book by the same title.

    #2…Uh-oh…are you one of those bikers? By “those” I mean someone who bikes on the super curvy roads (where no one can see) with no shoulder, and then I come around the curve and shout “Bejeezus! A bike! Brake! Brake now!”

    • January 4, 2011 12:12 pm

      I will get to work on that book immediately.

      I am not one of “those” bikers. I prefer large shoulders or back roads with low speed limits and minimal traffic. I tend to think “those” bikers have a death wish. But I’m not one, so I don’t actually know.

      • January 4, 2011 2:06 pm


  6. January 4, 2011 9:58 pm

    You forgot one…

    Do it with Denny.

    ps….I didn’t copy your post idea. I copied someone else’s who had the same idea.

    • January 5, 2011 5:17 pm

      Um… these are my Resolutions for Other People. “Do it with Denny” is cah-learly a Resolution for Me.

      So, what you’re saying is… someone else copied me, huh? Well imitation is the highest form of flattery…

  7. January 5, 2011 8:16 am

    Cheers to all of the above!!! 😀

    This is an awesome fantastic list of resolutions.

    OMFG– on #1 can we add:

    Learn to fucking drive in fucking snow/on ice. If you cannot do this, move to Florida or something. This means slowing the fuck down. Yes, you in the fucking giant SUV or truck of doom? Yeah, AWD doesn’t turn your vehicle into a Siberan assault tank. You, though, in the minivan going 25? You’ll be fucking fine. Srsly. At least get in the slow lane, you bastard!!

    Otherwise, I would say to a lot of people– don’t be afraid of letting go of anything or anyone. Ultimately, you must have the power to choose what you allow into your life, and you must not surrender that power willingly.

    Don’t settle and then whine about it. Make your peace or make your bones. One or the other.

    Examine your prejudices. Know that you have them, acknowledge your bias, and look at the reasons why.

    Oh, yeah. A biggie? Just fucking own it. If you are having an asshole moment, own up to it. If you are angry/pissy/upset etc. OWN IT. Out loud. Label it, and then be proactive about changing it.

    Stop shit talking yourself. It’s not doing you any good. Venting and insecurity are normal, but constant self degradation is not helping you. It also makes people think you’re fishing for constant validation. Just stop the self hating mantra. If you need help stopping it, examine it’s source.

    If you need something– ask for it. For real. This is huge in all relationships. Ask or do not expect. You never have the right to expect your friends, partner, family, to do things for you that you don’t ask for, beyond common courtesy and not being bastards of course. Unasked for surprises are lovely, but they are surprises, so, y’know. Ask.

    Those are my resolutions for other people! My resolutions for me? Get my fucking tubes tied in this brief window where I’ll have health insurance. And when I do, I am going to have a fucking party, and drink too much gin, and perhaps send out engraved announcements.

    I hope you’re having a fantastic new year, and I look forward to leaving even more absurdly long comments all over your blog in the next 12 months ;P

    • January 5, 2011 11:21 am


      How could I forget the Stop Shit Talking Yourself? And Look At Your Prejudices? And driving in snow? Cah-learly I should have discussed this with you first!

      As for tying up the tubies – excellent resolution. I think you should have a Tubes Tied Shower. Engraved invitations. Registry. Finger food. Copious Amounts of Alcohol.

      YAY for long comments! I never leave them on your blog! 😀

      Happy new year!

      • January 5, 2011 11:53 am

        OHAI– It’s pickles and ritz with bits all the way. Also, I think that I will get like four bottles of trashy pink champagne if it happens. Assuming I can find a doctor that won’t summarily dismiss my request. I have gotten nothing but shit til now, but I am prepared to be persistent, because who knows when I’ll be able to afford it after this ins. expires? ‘Murrican health care is AWESOME yo!

  8. January 5, 2011 6:12 pm

    Loves it, honey. Alls of it! I truly believe the world would be a better place if everyone would just be nice, mmkay? Pretty please? I asked nicely.

    • January 6, 2011 11:50 am

      A lil unsolicited niceness would do us all a world of good. Seriously.

  9. January 6, 2011 11:16 am

    aaaaa hahaha. loving this.

    luckily i live in rural sprawl, so no need for bike frustration. i really really can’t agree more with the buy local. i’ve been protesting the Applebees of the world for quite some time.

    and it IS TRUE, europeans are nice (i’m mainly referring to Italy cus they were the nicest in my opinion) but yes, people are so freaking rude. Americans are a very self-centered people, but I think that is the way of our culture.

    Why did we ever have to do away with siestas? It has turned us into a grouchy people. hah.

    • January 6, 2011 11:52 am

      Really, all we ever needed to learn, we did get it in kindergarten. Can you imagine the change we’d see if cookies-n-milk + naptime was part of our culture instead of self-centered-ness (I just made up another word)?

      PS Down with Applebees.

  10. January 8, 2011 12:03 am

    I really like the growing some nads one and the one about being polite/nice. A lot of people don’t seem to know the value of either. It seems they can’t grow a big enough pair to be nice, or they’re too nice to put the pair they’ve got to work (not sure if that makes sense lol).

    I’m generally nice to people until they try and run me over. Which seems to happen A LOT. Some people mistake kindness and generosity for being weak and gutless. Then they try and punk you and see just how far they can take it. I like to let them have a little bit of fun and glory before I lay into them in a way they never saw coming. 😉

    Happy New Year BTW.

  11. January 13, 2011 3:14 pm

    The best new years resolution/revolution of 2011 by far… this is awesome!

    And yes, FOX news is fugazi… Love compassion and stop hating are high on my list.

    And of course, I need to meet more cool bloggers like yourself (and me-self too).

    Best of luck for a happy and stress free 2011.

    • January 18, 2011 9:18 am

      Hey thanks! I really enjoy your blog, too! Best wishes for 2011 right back at cha!

  12. Foreigner permalink
    January 17, 2011 6:44 pm

    I ❤ your blog!

    And yes people from Europe are usualy nice and kind with strangers but not all!!
    There are shitty people everywhere!

    Great resolutions! For me the biggest must and it shouldn't be a resolution but a daily thing is
    14. Honesty is the key 🙂

    • January 18, 2011 9:19 am

      Thank you, Miss F! I think honesty and kindness pretty much are the key (although if you can’t drive and/or try to run me over, it’s more difficult for me to remember the kindness…)

      There are shitty people everywhere… bummer, but true.

      • Foreigner permalink
        January 19, 2011 3:03 am

        You are right honesty+kindness should be the equation!

        I just imagined someone under the weels of a car saying thank you sir have a nice day haha… Yes people should definetly learn how to drive specialy the ones who think the highway was created just for them and theis needs.


  1. Women Are From Mars

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