‘Tis the season: My Resolutions for Other People.
So. As is tradition with a whole brand-spankin-New Year, I figured it’s time for a lil Resolution-ing.
But, you know, who wants to read all about the things I should change? Who am I to be so selfish with other people’s time?
So, instead, I decided to write my Resolutions for Other People. Hey, I’m still in the holiday spirit, really – giving is better than receiving (sometimes).
Without further ado…and in absolutely no particular order…
Nikki B’s 2011 Resolutions for Other People:
1. Learn How To Drive: Or at least how to drive consistently. Don’t speed up while I am passing you on the freeway (that’s just being an asshole) or when I am passing you on a dashed yellow line (that’s just dangerous). There is a reason I caught your ass, douche bag, and the reason is I am going faster than you.
Really, if you see [my car] with [my license plate] coming, you should just get out of the way. It would make life much more pleasant for both of us.
2. Speaking of driving, Learn How to Deal With Bikes on the Road: When the weather is back to normal and I’m not behind the wheel, I’m still a vehicle too – treat me as such. Even if I am a very breakable one. Stop either freaking out that I exist (omfg I might swerve into traffic at any moment!!… ok, actually I might, but let me worry about that) or deciding that the best way to deal with my existence is to drive faster/get past me/run me over.
3. Shop Small, Buy Local: Yes, I realize it costs more money. But. If you can afford it? Shop your local businesses and farmer’s markets. You get to know who you’re giving your hard-earned cash to, grow community in your area, end up with better products/food (trust me that your body will loooove you), and reduce your carbon footprint/bad environmental juju all in one fell swoop. Resources: More reasons, a whole magazine about why you should, and to find out how in your area, just google “my area go local/farmers market” and see what you find!
4. Waste Not, Want Not: Honey, if it ain’t broke, why fix it/turn it in for a newer model. Look, we live on a planet with finite resources. Your waste goes somewhere and your Brand New Shiny Thing was made from something. This also works for food. Just stop buying crap you don’t need.
5. Don’t Be So Afraid of Educated People – or, if that’s too difficult, Educate Yourself: Where the FUCK did this culture of distrusting/hating the educated come from in this country? And why don’t you want it running things? The last guy was (or at least pretended to be) a complete moron and look how that turned out. If you think someone is smarter than you? Maybe they can teach you something, and furthermore, I promise you are smarter than they are in something else. If they beg to differ with this and actually think they’re smarter than you period? That would be some damn good evidence that they’re not.
6. Stop Watching Fox News: Those fuckheads are rewriting US history. And not in a good way. And then all the mongering of fear and hate. Just stop it. SSsssstopit (yes, Amy, that is a reference to your Mother).
7. Practice What You effing Preach: Want to tell me all about the importance of Christian values and WWJD? Then fucking live them: remember all that about the rich dude and the eye of the needle, and that Jesus actually was all about loving your fellow man. Want to stand on your soapbox about the importance of environmentalism and going veggie? Then fucking stop having five kids (bigger carbon footprint than any SUV – wake the fuck up – adopt, people), use fucking public transportation, educate yourself on the importance of eating local (meat or no meat). Bottom line? Put a lil more effort into understanding your choices and priorities. Especially if you are going to preach them to me.
8. Learn Compassion: My trip to Europe really drove home how importance the kindness of strangers is. Just be fucking nice – you never know how much it means to someone else.
9. Keep Your “Values” to Yourself: Stop telling me what I can do with my body and who I can spend my life with. Live your life, and let me live mine.
10. Speaking of values, why value hate? Stop Hatin’: I fucking LOVE this.
11. Reduce, Reuse, and Compost: I think most people got the message on recycling. What they don’t often understand is that it should be the last thing you do (it still uses energy and causes some serious waste). Instead, reduce your consumption (for the love!), reuse what you’ve got, and learn composting – it can be easier and less messy than you might think. Resources: Compost Guide, Mother Earth News, Composting in the City).
And finally, in an effort to come back to dating and all…
12. Try Something New: Whether it’s a strap-on or celibacy, don’t knock it til you try it, and you won’t know how you feel about it until you do. Clearly we need more openness about sex in this society, but as Met Another Frog pointed out, we need straight talk about not doing it too.
13. Learn to Be Alone Without Being Lonely/Deal with Your Baggage: As I mentioned, being single is pretty damn important. Running form one relationship to another isn’t the best way to deal with your shit. And I sure as hell don’t want to date it.
14. Be Honest: With the people you date, and with yourself.
15. Grow Some Mother Fucking Balls: Hate it when girls cry? Afraid she’ll flip shit? She might – but man the fuck up and deal with it instead of pretending things are fine when they’re not. Or just disappearing (aka don’t be the Ghost Man).
16. Learn to Talk, and Learn to effing Walk: If you think I just directed #15 at the menz, then this one is for the ladies: if you’re unhappy? Stop fucking overanalyzing and have a fucking conversation. If you can’t do that because he shuts you out/you’re afraid he’ll leave? Well. There’s your answer. If you’ve already talked? More than once? You may have learned to talk, honey, but now it’s time to stop nagging and learn how to fucking walk.
(Please note that OF COURSE #15 and #16 are applicable to both boys and girls, I’m just going with the stereotype there…)
OK kids. I am sure I could think of many more, but this lady thinks she’s run her mouth enough for the first post of 2011. What do you think I missed? Any Resolutions for Others you’d like to add?
It’s good to be back – I missed you!