The Turning Thirty Quiz.
So. First of all, let me apologize profusely for my absence. Apparently the interwebs are not so prevalent in rural France. Or at the flat you rent in Brussels via airbnb (highly recommend this site for finding cool places to stay while traveling). Who woulda guessed. And two, yesterday I left my 20s behind.
I’ve been thinking about this most of the day… as I head back to Paris and end my whirlwind tour of norther France/Brussels.
I feel like I should.
Everyone flips their shit when you turn 30. Simone flipped her shit when she found out it was my 30th, and not just a “regular” birthday.
So. I should have something important to say about it, right?
Well. Here’s the thing. 30 is supposed to be some milestone in your life that you define (e.g. are you happy or sad that you are 30? Have you been successful thus far – now that you are omfg30effingyearsold??) based on questions such as the following:
- Do you have a partner?
- If the answer to #1 is yes, are you married finally or still waiting on that?
- If the answer to #2 is “married,” how many kids do you have/are you pregnant/when are you getting pregnant? Or, if you are male and you can’t get pregnant (bummer), how big is your family/when are you planning to start a family? (….weird the differences there… for another time…)
Ummm… yeah. I think that’s it.
Do you want to know my answers?
2 – 3.) Not applicable (by their context here).
Pretty easy quiz, if you ask me. Unfortunately, in the eyes of society (hello every woman who reads this and thinks that doesn’t pertain to her, yet dreads her 30s):
Sorry, Nikki. Life FAIL.
I mean, seriously. Why does everyone dread their 30s? Sure, ok, I get the whole getting-older stuff. Totally on board with that. But… why do you blanche at the big 3-0?
Be honest. No one can see you. You’re in your pajamas reading blogs on the internets (or maybe you’re in your office – which means you should be working so by definition you are sure no one is watching you).
No one has to know. It’s just you and me, baby. I won’t tell. Pinkie swear.
When I was thinking about turning 30, and looking at what that meant to me, I looked at the questions people ask of 30-year-old women. Did my answers make me sad, in some dark, lonely, cold place in my heart?
Well. To be honest? They do – in a way. Because it just reminds me of all the fucking douchesicles in the world and that the reasons I don’t have a partner (since you want to know – being all up in my biz-ness) is because (let’s have another list shall we):
- My standards at this point are fucking high – and guess fucking what I like them there
- The options I come across (and see my friends find – ohh so jealous of them) are, to say the very least, subpar and not interesting
- I am not interested in a relationship simply to answer Society’s questions correctly, as a grown-ass female
- I am not interested in a relationship because I am lonely or need body warmth/money/companionship/someone to hold my hand/an ego-stroker/friends
But. All that seems just… well, whatevs man. None of that actually defines my life to a particularly great degree. It certainly doesn’t seem relevant to my 30th birthday.
But, ok, so 30 is a decade milestone. It’s a nice place to take a look back, regardless of my issues with Society bein’ all up in my shit – wanting to know things that a) aren’t Society’s business, and b) aren’t of any serious concern.
It’s as good a reason as any to assess one’s life thus far, and the direction in which it is headed.
I have been very successful in my chosen profession. Throwing humble out the window in order to make my point, I am kicking ass in work (*ahem* this “invited lecturer” gave a great talk in Holland).
I fucking love my friends. And I don’t necessarily mean the ones close to me in actual miles. As my current FB posts will attest, those nearest and dearest to my heart have been there for fucking years and will continue to be there for fucking years – despite the physical distance our lives have created. I am beyond beyond beyond blessed to have a wealth of awesome awesome awesome people around me – who cah-learly aren’t going anywhere. Again with the humble: I take some credit for them sticking around.
I also have a wonderful wonderful family that I could not do without (but not in a non-healthy/needy/weird/gross/call-me-every-hour way).
I do what I love. I practice yoga (both on and off my mat). I get the F outside. I am getting back into photography (but my for-serious pics are on film – I can’t give it up! I’m so weird!) and horsebackriding. I love my home. I love to cook I mean eat (because I am a lazy-ass cook who can’t follow a recipe to save her life – shut up I know they’re just directions) – and I surround myself with good food. I commute to work on my bike. I LOVE TO TRAVEL!! I discuss I challenge I engage I disengage I think I speak I evaluate I re-evaluate. I wonder and dream and consider. I explore and try new things and go on adventures and fly by the seat of my pants and JUST FUCKING LIVE.
In short? I am living the life that I want. I am doing the things I want to do. Because someone dictated it to me? Because someone gave it to me? Because I have a rock on my finger and a minivan?
No. Because I created it for myself. And that, my dear friend, makes it all the more sweet and delicious.
SO. My bottom line when it comes to turning 30?
Ummm… oh yeah.
The only thing that gets me on all this? The only part that makes me feel sad?
Is how few other people (yes – women and men) actually fucking understand this.
I wish more people did. I wish more people embraced what was given to them, this day, this week, this month, this fucking life… and made it what they wanted. And realized that meeting the “right person” is a) sometimes something you have no control over (and, btw, something you should have higher standards for), and b) may not be what they actually cared about if they paid any attention to what they could actually DO about their own happiness.
“I WILL NOT LIVE AN UNLIVED LIFE. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart, until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which comes to me as seed goes on to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”
~ Dawna Markova
… I am the girl who’s in love with the world…