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The conversations we can’t have.

October 21, 2010

I wrote this one awhile back and haven’t had a chance to post it yet…

I’ve been thinking a bit lately about the things we don’t say. For all of our words…

It’s Simone, dealing with… a certain slightly narcisstic…rockstar-esque… dude (if you’re paying attention, you know who I am talking about. Whoops).

It’s Amy not being completely clear with Douche Canoe. That she’s not going to sit around while he fucks this other girl, and tells her about Amy at the last minute. Not saying I will be done with this. Really.

It’s the… conversations we don’t have.

The difficult questions we don’t ask.

I’ve done it. When my Ultimate Crazy drop-kicked my heart into oblivion. I did not force the discussion like I should have.


I waited. There were a few e-mails, a few text messages but… mostly? I avoided.

I already knew the answers. But I couldn’t hear them. And I couldn’t walk away. So. I pretended not to know.

It’s what we do.

“No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.”
– George Bernard Shaw

Sometimes we do talk. We do have conversations. We do ask questions. But… the conversations are always in circles. The questions were always half-ass and indirect. There was always a door left wide open in them.  We’re always hoping for the right answer, the one to the questions we’re not actually asking… We always allow for the indirect answers instead. An escape out the door left open.

These conversations never give us the REAL answers we’re looking for. The one we need to hear. We never ask directly, so we’re answered in kind.

Why don’t we ask the direct questions?


Why don’t we ask for action? (…sometimes “ultimatum” shouldn’t be a dirty word.)

Or, better yet, why don’t we just close the door?

I’ll tell you why.

Hope.

We can’t, ever, give up hope. We don’t eveer want to be the ones to ask the question, the one we know the answer to… but can’t bear to hear.

Why not? If we know it any way?


Why do we keep hope alive? What is there, really, to hope for – when it gets down to it?

Why is it so very very heart-wrenchingly difficult to speak the truth? Instead of half-ass questions, why do we not instead say…

“There is no hope here. You forced me to give it up.”


“In the way that you have treated me. In how this has happened, in all the things done… and not done.”

“There is no hope.”

That is the truth that we can’t bear to admit, sometimes. The answer, no matter what words would be used to say it, that we cannot hear.


Even when we know it already.

Instead. We make up an irrational, unwarranted, unrealistic hope.

We do hope – when it should be gone. When it is gone.

For what? What do we hope for?

For this person to be sorry? For this person to realize what they’ve done? What they are doing? For this person to change?


For the answer… to be different?


If we just wait… it will change?

Why?

When we know that won’t happen. We know it so deep in our core that we cannot, absolutely positively, actually ask about it? We don’t talk about it at all, because, in truth, there is no question?


We already know.

So. You must realize what this hope we cling to really is.

The conversation we don’t have.

The questions we don’t ask.

The answers we can’t hear.

When does that hope ever get us anywhere? Aside from waiting and prolonging this? Starving off the inevitable? No matter how long it takes and how many indirect answers we hear to questions we half-ask?

And why do we forgive these people the absolute injustice that they have done to our hearts and our souls? Why do we create this… hope that allows us to hang on to them?

When they have injured us so deeply? When we know how wrong this is so well already, we can never speak it aloud? Because they’ll just reiterate it for us again, tells us again how we’re asking too much – and we cannot CANNOT stand that?


The reality of this pain is THAT deep? AND that obvious – that clear??

We instead play pretend?

Do we ever stop to think…


If we actually had those conversations, asked those questions, made those ultimatums, and closed those doors, what might that bring?


Maybe the end of hope. But it was irrational to begin with.


Maybe the end to the thought that “…well, you never know…” because we ended it. But then, we knew all along. Actually.

But maybe… also… some closure? Some control in a situation where we have given up all control, even allowed the other person to make US forget, ignore, play pretend, in light of how they have and are behaving? Where we give up and give in at every single turn?

And maybe… the only way to truly know if you were that awesome and it did feel that way for both of you and this other person does care about you that much and is sorry… is to take a fucking stand, to close the door, to refuse to ignore and play pretend…


… to walk away…

…and to find, that was when they followed?

When you said “enough!


… and they actually decided… you were right?

How else do you know??

 

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. October 21, 2010 3:34 pm

    Wow, now you really weren’t beating around the bush when you wrote this post were you.

    We all go through those times when we just can’t seem to summon up the courage to say what needs to be said. Like you so very eloquently explain, we go around in circles. We do that silly dance all around, what you think you should say or what the other person wants to hear.

    Mostly to make it all better, well for a little bit anyways.

    I have been on the road to self discovery myself over the past year or so. I kind of skip all about it on my blog, but never really have the courage to out and say it like this post does.
    What I have learned in the most difficult way, (I’m a man, graduate of Hard Head University) is that we can only become better in a relationship or life in general by working on ourselves.

    In doing so it may function to heal wounds in a relationship, or blow them to pieces. But if your paying attention to getting yourself happy and healthy then ultimately things will be set for good times down the road. Most of us don’t need anyone to lay traps for us in life, in our patterns we do it for ourselves. By the way we live our lives.

    Good on you for writing this, I wish I had your courage to put it as plainly.

    Bob

    • October 22, 2010 8:29 am

      Thanks for your compliments, Bob – and thanks for reading! I’ve checked your blog out a couple times too – you should definitely put some of your self-discovery out there, I’d be interested in reading it! Of course, this blog is anonymous, so a little easier for me…

      Totally agree – we can never do work, emotionally or otherwise, for another person – we can only do that for ourselves. We can only change how we live our lives, not how someone else chooses too. The important thing is deciding when another person is affecting you in a negative enough way that you have to walk away. Regardless of all else.

      Thanks again!

  2. October 21, 2010 4:44 pm

    A-fucking-oh-hell-yes-men. It has been my experience that people that treat other people like shit on a shoe sandwich do it because they believe themselves to be so charismatic, so special, so charming, so hot, so smart so important that the story is always their story . They play the leading role, they are the axis upon which the world is madly tilting.

    When you take that way from them, it is the learning experience like whoa. I know. I was that (obnoxious teenager) person in one friendship, and I needed to be knocked upside the fucking face with how it’s not all about me , and that being manipulative and fucking with people’s emotions, is not an indication of how goddamn swell I am, it is an indication that I may be acting like a complete asshat. That people put up with it, is a reflection of their character, not the asshole’s special snowflake speciality.

    In the end, everyone needs to know that whoever they are dealing with can live without them quite nicely, that their world will go on, and that the sun does not in fact shine out of the manipulative fuckers ass.

    because once you know that, once you really really grasp that you are wanted and not needed, then suddenly empathy and kindess and honesty are not a bunch of shit that you should be exempt from. They are the foundation of the entire relationship.

    Obviously, when the person is not merely manipulative but abusive, they have a whole other set of things going on. But your garden variety insensitive asshole just desperately believes themselves to be super duper speshul IMHO.

    I hope Europe is treating you well. Springs1 wants you to know that having traveled to Europe, you now know more about how Europe should be run than the Europeans themselves, oh and also, your waiter should be using his money to buy your dessert 😀

    • October 22, 2010 8:43 am

      “shit on a shoe sandwiche”. Where do you come up with these things??

      Anyway. YES – what we try so hard to avoid admitting is that this other person is so wrapped up in themselves and their own issues, they don’t really give two shits about us. That’s a pretty shitty slap-in-the-face, either because you care so much about them (god knows why), but probably also because that could mean you’re less special. You’re not less special, they’re just more self-centered. We hate admitting even that – so we pretend all is well and that all we need to do is WAIT.

      Right.

      Reality usually is staring you in the face, it’s just difficult to open your goddamn eyes and see it sometimes.

      Ahh… Europe is amazing so far. Pretty tuckered at present – off to Switzerland in the AM… Whew!

      But yes – Springs1 is (once again) correct. I totally know all there is to know about Europe and they should start asking me for advice. Any day now…. (if they weren’t so slow and backwards over here they would’ve already.)

  3. October 22, 2010 7:00 am

    Nicely expressed! I spent a long time in relationship before I realized there was no hope there.

    I wish I could have said this:

    “There is no hope here. You forced me to give it up.”

    • October 22, 2010 9:06 am

      For serious, right? Hey – you know what they say about hindsight. Boo on that.

      Thanks for reading!

  4. October 26, 2010 8:43 am

    Wow. I was going to say something profound, but then I read Pepper’s comment above about the shit sandwich, and that pretty much says it all.

    Hope you’re doing well.

    • October 26, 2010 10:04 am

      Yes. Pepper and Paprika are pretty much amazing when it comes to the English language. They’re probably amazing in other languages too, but as this vacation has proven, I can’t read other languages. I can’t speak then either. Aside from hello/good day/good evening/good afternoon/goodbye/how much/I don’t speak Italian/You speak English? in Italian.

      Doing pretty much awesome – but, considering my current circumstances, not that surprising. Hope you’re holding in – I see you’re still hilarious so I will take that to mean you are doing pretty much awesome too (… you have to be totally one-hundred-percent gloriously happy to be that funny… don’t you?)

  5. Esme permalink
    October 31, 2010 6:46 pm

    Nikki, this post is sooo true! There have been so many times I stayed in a relationship WAY LONGER than I should have because I didn’t ask the tough questions. And I have so many now I am avoiding asking as well…sigh…

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