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Honesty, the best things in life, and little white lies.

October 7, 2010

SO. Basically. Leaving a little broken heart behind when we return to the states from this little Caribbean island.

Poor little security gaurd…

The story isn’t really that important – nothing really happened. Some brief conversations, some flirting. Etc.

Important part: there was no intention behind it. And yet…

Security guard, when brought up to speed on the situation: "Well. I've just never felt this way before. I guess, well, I guess you aren't supposed to have the best things in life."

OK. Well.

Couple things...

1. We should all strive for honesty in our actions and our words. Even when your heart is in the right place and you don't want to hurt anyone. You want them to feel good about themselves. What you need to remember is, if you want other people to be honest with you? About their intentions and their feelings? You need to be honest, too. Even if it means not making them feel reallyreally good about themselves. Because sooner or later, that shit can come back to bite you in the ass. Or call your hotel suite and ask when to pick you up. Whatever.

2. A couple of brief (we're talking 30 minutes max) conversations mean you've never felt this way before? Really? Yes, hot American girl who flirts. But... do you really know her? No. You don't. As evidenced by the fact that... she's not interested in you. Sorry, buddy. True story.

But. Does bring up interesting point about how people fall for things... why does this happen when it's not real? How do you tell the difference? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??? OK... well. Just an important point to expand upon over some rum and some beach.

3. We should all remember: if someone really is really into you? They will find a way to hang out/make out with you. If this isn't happening? They really aren't really into you. Sorry. Also a true story.

4. Sometimes little white lies are a-ok. I'll even give you a for-instance. For instance, when you've been way too nice to, say, a smitten security guard, because you want to be nice and not hurt his feelings, sometimes your BFF telling him that your-sort-of boyfriend-called-that-night-and-now-things-are-complicated-and-nothing-should-happen-because-it-wouldn't-be-fair.... not such a terrible idea. As opposed to... well. Yeah. About all that. I'm... not.... allthatinterested. (... and not all that big of a white lie - DC has reappeared.... dun-dun-dunnnnnnn...)

Well... dear readers. What do you think? Honesty every time (I mean, once you find yourself with all that flirting biting you in the ass) or little white lies? Just on occasion and, for instance, when you're going to be leaving for good in a few days any way? (... yeah, about that Mr. Security Guard... what exactly were you expecting here?)

6 Comments leave one →
  1. François permalink
    October 7, 2010 4:06 pm

    Well, I’ve learnt in the recent years that we’re not really that much responsible for how people feel (compared to how much I was used to feel responsible (paradoxically, I act in a much more responsible way now that I don’t care anymore)). I mean, ok, if you’re acting all ambiguous on them, you might have some responsibility in their confusion, but I don’t consider a little flirting that much ambiguous. The fact is we make ourselves feel something in response to a situation, choosing between different possible feelings the most appropriate to face a given event. Possible feelings. People don’t always have the appropriate response available, because they didn’t learn it or never thought to use it in that situation. Add wishful thinking to it, a little hormonal overdrive, and confusion settles down on them. But if we think we acted in a normal way, we don’t have to feel responsible for their well-being. People have to learn by themselves. And I think it’s only by being honest that the message is clearly understood. Plus, to tell them a lie leaves people unaware of the real reason why you don’t want to be with them, whereas to know that reason might be exactly what they need. When I had that choice and decided to be honest, people, although hurt, were really grateful toward me for having, well, respected them enough to tell the truth. It’s all between adults. Well, it should be. I agree it’s not easy. The little white lie seems to me like something we would tell as a not-so-emotionally-mature teenager, not to make people feel good, but to make us feel good about how we think we made them feel good. The little white lie has a selfish heart. It leaves the ‘victim’ in sort of a he-she-hasn-t-said-no state, in which they will steep and from there eventually grow all lovelorn again, with us or someone else.
    I like it when you say “When you have been way too nice”… it’s like you would say “I swear I didn’t want to eat all that chocolate” when you did eat it all, knowing without knowing, from the beginning, that you would have had eaten it. I mean, of course we want it! Also, do we know from the beginning that we’re going too far, or is it that we let things go too far without thinking about it? I think we just indulge ourselves in a flirt because there’s a little something we find attractive in someone, and we want to have a somewhat real feeling of what it is like to have an emotional bond with him/her. I mean, to me it’s the best way to know if we’re compatible, the important question here being: How is it like to be emotionally close to that person? Then, after we got a hint of an answer, there may be a cognitive dissonance between our feelings about the sexual, emotional and/or intellectual side of the relationship. Then, it is time to gently but firmly smooth away. In an frank, realistic, Imnotallthatinterested, manner. Sometimes, though, in that game, we find all or more than what we were expecting and it’s reciprocal. That makes it worth trying so many times.

  2. October 7, 2010 6:35 pm

    You’re such a heartbreaker, I love it.

    I agree with you 100 p. A little white lie here and there to spare someone’s feelings . . . it’s not a bad idea.

    Also, these words are so true: “if someone really is really into you? They will find a way to hang out/make out with you. If this isn’t happening? They really aren’t really into you.”

  3. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    October 8, 2010 7:30 am

    DC didn’t even think it was worth the effort to offer up a little white lie, let alone a true explanation for his inattentions. Do not go sailing in that crappy boat again.

    Yes, I am apparently now communicating to Amy through your ever-more-busy comments section.

  4. October 8, 2010 10:02 am

    Given the circumstances a little lying is almost a prerequisite. You’re on vacation, flirting and perhaps a litte more is good for boosting everyone’s ego.

    If the silly security guard fell in love well that’s his problem isn’t it? The best thing a girl could do in that situation is try to let him down gently and then run like hell out of there.

  5. October 8, 2010 11:40 pm

    My take?

    White lies in the face of massive, ancient monument sized entitelment?
    They’re Ok. They’re sometimes the fastest, least frustrating way to save your own time. So if it is someone you don’t know, that you won’t be seeing again, your time is just more valuable than entering into their emotional drama.

    When a woman flirts, the onus is on the receiver of said flirtation not to assume that that is a promise. It isn’t. It isn’t a promise of sex, or love, or anything else.

    In het terms– how often do you, single lady at large, expect things from a flirty guy?

    9 times out of 10, we tend to just see it as a pleasant interlude, a way to kill a night out, unless one of us explicitly broaches a date. And if said person gets turned down, well, thats life . It reeks of entitlement of the specifically het-cis-male variety for him to decide that you owe him a return on flirting investment.

    • October 17, 2010 12:49 pm

      Excellent take, dear Pepper! Very interesting… my my how we are shaped by soceity (ETC) and don’t even know it!

      Thanks for reading guys and I am sorry I didn’t get back very well this time… it’s been a bit busy! 🙂

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