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“Get me a fucking patch! STAT!”

September 30, 2010

From: Amy
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 11:19 AM
To: Me
Subject: Holy S!!!! I’m writing YOU an email!!!

Hello Dear,

First, car stuff.  [Not important].

That’s about all I have for serious stuff.  Other than that, I feel like a bus hit me, repeatedly running me over, in fact, and yet I have to get up and trot through the world as if it never happened… even though I clearly look a bit bloody and damaged.  For reals.  I’ve never felt like this before… it’s truly beyond words.  

Last night when I got home from trivia, it took just about all the control in the world to keep from vomiting… literally.  And I didn’t even eat anything, so it was just dry heaving.  Kind of funny if you think about it… I’ve heard that this can happen – people often say that very emotional situations literally can make you sick, but I’ve never experienced it.  The level of uncontrollable sobbing and the unbearable images racing through my mind… wow… truly, truly awful.


I’m like a walking zombie today.  Because I know.  You know?  I just know.  I know that it was all a lie.  I know that he’s weak.  I know that he’s not who I thought he was.  I know he’s a coward.  And I know he has blocked me out of his mind, forever.  And here I sit, ready to vomit.  It’s just so fucked up.  He’s not going to call today, as I asked him to and as he said he would.  So in the end, he does indeed turn into Ski Jump, or something far, far worse… more sinister, evil, and hurtful.  


How?  Someone please explain this to me because I just don’t get it.  How can he do this?  How do people go through life not understanding what they do to other people?  I can only hope that I never do this to anyone.  Ever.  And regret if I ever did anything even remotely close to this to someone else.  How can he kiss her?  How can he fuck her?  How can he hold her?  How can he look at her?  How can he tell her he loves her?  How can he forget?  How can he think himself a victim?  How can he stand in his kitchen and not think of what we did on every freaking counter??  How can he not think of the things we said we planned to do??  How, how, how?  


Clearly, these are all rhetorical and TMI :).  See, I can still smile!  Because I suppose at the end of the day, everything will be alright.  It always is, right?  I still have everything in my life that’s great and wonderful that I had before I met him.  He brought nothing to my world and he takes nothing away.  Perhaps a little bit of my heart and soul, but that’s nothing we can’t put a patch over, right?  Someone get me a fucking patch, STAT!  Ugh.  It’s okay… my rant is over.  I feel a little better now.

Back to work.  Yay.


Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.  (not you, dear)

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:52 PM
To: Amy
Subject: Re:Holy S!!!! I’m writing YOU an email!!!

[Also not important]

As for the other shit…


Uh. Yeah. They do make you sick. Uncontrollably sick. This is truly awful. Truly. Even if he DOES call you… you know, eventually. I agree that he won’t now – he’ll have an excuse, which he always does. Numero uno among them something along the lines of “…hey, I’m with this other girl. I can’t call you. Why would you ask me to? Duh.

Dear lord. Douche TITANIC.

This is by far worse than anything you’ve dealt with – hands down. I don’t know how he can do it either. I mean… I comprehend how he does it, but that doesn’t make it something I’d ever be capable of ever doing. I also know he has excuses that he will hold up to not only explain how he could do this, but why you should understand it, and you should allow it, and you should forgive it. That is the only way, I think, that people do things this awful without being truly crazy. Their brains function in such a fundamentally selfish manner, it’s virtually impossible for them to think of anyone but themselves…and eventually it goes back even further than that – to the place where YOU apologize to HIM. Where he IS the victim.


He has altered your world. Considerably. He, clearly, will bring nothing to it, but he walked right into places you never knew you had and left them in ruins. And then walked away. He may not bring anything … but he leaves plenty.

That being said, there will come a time when you’ll realize this can and will change you for the better. These unbelievably hurtful terrible awful painful gut-heart-wrenching… things that happen to us do provide opportunity. To be more aware of other people, of our actions, of how it might feel to be someone else. They can awaken compassion in us, and understanding.


Of course, they don’t have to do that. I think a lot of people go through these things and they just make them more selfish, more hurtful to others, more vindictive, more well-it-happened-to-me-so-fuck-you-too. I think we know some people who went that route.

But… I think that whole side of this is for later. Much much later. Right now, you need to grieve. The dry-heaving, uncontrollable kind. That needs to come out, so let it. It’s ok to be a mess. You had better be a mess, or I’d worry about you heading down the _____ -woe-is-me route.

And don’t worry. The anger (the real true anger) is coming.

In the end, you are able to stitch your heart back up. But, like someone told me once, you do it with glow-in-the-dark thread, so you never forget.

I will never forgive him for this. Ever. Just so you know. I know you’re still grappling with it (there is only so much you can emotionally ask yourself to do, and major decisions are not exactly something you can deal with right now, let’s be honest) but I’m all set.

All that being, I have NO plans tonight. Wanna date? You should attempt to eat something… and we could just hang out on a couch and watch TV. Or go get a drink. Whatever. Although dry heaving in a bar is less fun than in the privacy of your own home.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2010 6:26 pm

    I hope an unending series of frustrating accidents continually plague him until he dies in his extremely old and uncomfortable age.

  2. October 1, 2010 1:24 am

    It’s simple. We are the centers of our own universes. It takes effort to look outside yourself. Some can’t be bothered.

    • October 1, 2010 8:44 pm

      How true is that. Srsly. I’d say it’s virtually impossible for most people. It’s a learned skill. You have to work at it.

  3. October 1, 2010 3:13 am

    It’s going to be alright, trust me.

    I, too, am in need of the patch, but I’m much further along in the process, so mine can be smaller.

    Douche-titanic = AWESOME. But then you already know I love that term.

    • October 1, 2010 8:49 pm

      I know it will be ok. She knows it too, she just might not truly believe it with all of her heart yet.

      I think we’re all in need of a patch, sooner or later. What is up with THAT. And yes – they should definitely have step-down sizes to help you ween off. Unless you are going to be in the same room with someone. Then you need to upgrade for a bit.

      I think you can put pretty much any term in place of “bag” and it’s awesome. Pepper (you should check out her blog – so great) also discusses how the “douche canoes just go floating by.” Ain’t that the truth. There is a sense of… ambling along… la la la…

      Although. If you graduate to Douche Titantic status, you’re headed for an iceberg. Full steam ahead. Everyone knows it. And yet you insist on still playing your goddamn string quartet on the deck like nothing is wrong.

  4. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    October 3, 2010 12:10 pm

    “Their brains function in such a fundamentally selfish manner, it’s virtually impossible for them to think of anyone but themselves…and eventually it goes back even further than that – to the place where YOU apologize to HIM. Where he IS the victim.” This cleared up a lot of things that I had always wondered about with The Boy From Last Semester. I did end up apologizing to him but, in retrospect, I can’t remember why. I did think he was the victim. I did think the end was my fault. You know what? Fuck that. He was a douche canoe (but not a douche Titanic).

    P.S. I used douche canoe in conversation the other day… I’m pretty sure it’s going to catch on. I wanted to give you credit but nobody knows I have a blog so for now everybody is going to think I’m clever instead of you. My apologies. 😦

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