Skip to content

Mrs. Brightside.

September 28, 2010
brandon flowers

Brandon Flowers is awesome (*no sarcasm*) (image by djdroga via Flickr).

“I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all…”

SO. Decided to attempt writing out exactly what’s going on with Amy and Douche Canoe in the most black-and-white, emotionless terms possible. Just so we’re all on the same page here.

Amy and DC met about three weeks back. They hit it off, talked until the bar closed, talked some more in the parking lot, then he offered to walk her home. Got her number. There was a little making out.

The rest of the next three weeks, they spent most of their free time together. And most nights (and, like I mentioned before, this is not exactly what I would condone as the best way to start a relationship anyway but… easy for me to say). But kept it pretty PG-13. Generally speaking.

Amy learns that DC has “this girl he knows”, who happened to send him flowers and some chocolates and a note that… mentioned she loved him.

DC explains that it’s just this girl who he sees when he is in ______. A girlfriend? Well. Can you call a girl that you just know who you see only when you’re in a place your girlfriend?

Oh, and she’s coming to visit in a week or so.

Cut to me finding said note and ripping DC a new asshole in the bar.

Following this, subject of Just This Girl revisited. Turns out she’s coming to visit. For two and a half weeks.

Does Just This Girl know about Amy? Of course. Really? Well… she knows Douche Canoe “met a girl I’m really attracted to.” (Translation via our friend S: “Hey I met a pretty cool girl out here.” “Oh really? Is she hot?” “…Yeah. I guess so.”)

Amy decides she’d rather break her heart later, not now. They continue to spend as much time as possible together, and do discuss Just This Girl and That Little Visit.

Douche Canoe, being a whole canoe of douchey, doesn’t really own up to anything. As far as I can tell. He says he has some “things to figure out” and that he “can’t wait to be able to give [Amy] 100%” of himself. Not… whatever percent he is at now (if you only have half), because there’s Just This Girl. But… he’s going to need time (or whatever). And he is going to go and spend the two weeks with Just This Girl.

They do have this whole trip to _____ planned. So. He’ll go and do that. And she’s coming all the way from _____. And… like, we don’t want to make things all, you know, awkward or something if we have… conversations before that whole trip thing.

...there's your baggage... (image by RickC via Flickr)

But, don’t worry. Baggage is checked. He swears.

Amy says he doesn’t have two and a half weeks. He has two. She gets back from Aruba on Friday the 8th. She will see him on Saturday. Baggage with Just This Girl had better be checked, even if Just This Girl is still here.

And… Amy spends the entire day with Douchey Canoey on Saturday. They go to dinner. She can’t eat. He’s upset that she can’t eat. No matter. They go back to her place. Nekkid making out on couch ensues. “Mr. Brightside” comes on radio.

Douche Canoe leaves. For the airport.

Since then, no real word from DC. Oh, wait. Yes there was. Some texts occurred yesterday afternoon. Let’s see if I can remember what they said.

Amy: Mr. Brightside just came on my ipod. Really? Out of 1,000+ songs? Really?

Douche Canoe: Yeah, it came on the radio earlier too.

Amy: [I forget what she said]

Douche Canoe: [Makes sexual innuendo about her pants. And… stuff.]

Amy: [banters back because that’s what she does.]

Douche Canoe: [more sexual innuendo.] […and he’s with this other girl right now?????…ok just the facts, people, just the facts…]

Amy: Actually, I can’t do this. This is the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me to do. I can’t pretend right now. This is horrible.

Douche Canoe: What, you think this is easy for me?? What about me?? Ooooo you have it soooo hard! *EYE ROLL*[Ok maybe that’s not verbatim….]

Amy: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to imply anything, I am just saying this is hard… I’m sorry! It’s just really difficult, I was just saying that for me[Ok maybe that isn’t verbatim either but…]

Douche Canoe: No worries. [“No worries”? “No worries”??? Is that all you’ve got you fucking asshole??? And did Amy just apologize to you????????]

Right. No commentary. Sorry. Slipped there a little bit.

So. That’s where we stand. All indications point to –> Douche Canoe will spend two weeks with Just This Girl, being all couple-y and go on a That Little Trip and pretend like everything is fine and not mention a thing about.

Until, on maaaaaybe the night of Thursday the 7th, DC will turn to Just This Girl and perhaps utter those four sweet little words…

“…uh… we need to talk.”

Of course, that would mean he’d need to find balls with which to do such a thing after having faked a relationship with her for the past two weeks.

Of course, all this is speculation. It’s as likely, if not more likely, that he will wimp out and not say anything at all. His relationship with Amy be damned.

Right now, Amy is grappling with how to even deal with this. Losing this person she had this connection with, someone she spent all this time with, along with the notion that, while she’s a mess, he’s banging some other chick.

(image by Stuck in Customs via Flickr)

And laughing with her. And making her dinner. And holding hands. And traveling.

Because it is what we do when we’re in these situation, she’s trying to decide if she can forgive him. What she is going to do with all of this.

Me? I’m far less conflicted. I don’t think I will ever forgive him. Your friend’s tears are priceless. Sometimes they can never be repaid.

Hmmm… if the song, Mr. Brightside, could be about Amy, then does that make her Mrs. Brightside? And, if so, does that mean she’s married to Mr. Brightside, aka Brandon Flowers???


“It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss…”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: