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I hate that I already know this part.

September 26, 2010

Note: I wrote this, with that pen and paper, while stranded. On my little work trip. In that other country. Due to the whole other-country thing, I wasn’t able to get any details from Amy about her conversations with Sweetness and Light – who shall from now on be re-dubbed either Sweetness Lite, or the more popular Douche Canoe (DC for short – because what’s bigger than a bag? A canoe. Thank you Pepper.) Hmmm… as a side note, I’ve also started thinking of Douche Canoe as a mix of Wizard of Oz characters. He’s clearly Cowardly Lion… but sometimes the Scarecrow lyrics “if I only had a brain…” also come readily to mind…


ANYWAYS. In writing this particular post, now that I am done digressing once again, I was making vast assumptions based on single texts and brief e-mails.

Although I wasn’t 100% on target with my initial thoughts on the matter – I was close enough. I did change a little from the original text.

I hate it when things are predictable.

Actually. I hate it when things are unpredictable sometimes too. Like when my predictably slow but generally reliable laptop decides to crap out on me this week. The first day – no, the first hour into a week-long trip for work.


Hence, I am unpredictably writing this blog hella (holla SoCal) old school. With pen and paper.

*gasp.*

Anyways. Back to predictable things.

Amy and Douche Canoe had a little chat the other night. Now, because I’m not in the US at present, my little roaming cell phone means I haven’t heard what happened. But… I did receive this little text message the morning after:

From: Amy F. 

Douce. Canoe. Nuff said.

Received: Thu Sep 23, 7:28am

And this would be the minimalist e-mails that were sent in response:

From: Me
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2010 10:33
To: Amy F.
Subject:

Let me guess… he’s known this other person too long to just end it like that? Or something along those lines? Something about… she’s been around longer therefore she deserves “more”? As in, “more” than you expect him to give her or “more” as in more than him just telling her it’s over?

(Ignoring, of course, how all of these things are complete and utter bullshit – simply excuses because he doesn’t want to do anything difficult. God forbid you fucking fucking coward.)

Whatever. I’ll call you on my way home tomorrow evening.


From: Amy
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2010 11:07
To: Me
Subject:

Wow, that may have been the most spot on thing ever.

Blah, blah, blah, go fuck yourself.

It is so fucking annoying to me that I could already tell you how DC would get out of this whole thing. I already know the excuses he’s telling Amy. And himself, really.


“But… I just can’t end it like that. It’s been [however long, I think Amy said two years…!!]… I just can’t do that to her…”


“… and I’ve only known you two weeks…”

Shut. The fuck up. You fucking coward.

I think he decided to pretend the thing that mattered in this situation was… length of time.

What is two weeks on two years?

And, geez, this girl is, like, one of my good friends. I can’t do this to her. We’re, like, super close an’ stuff. I have to figure this out.

Shut. The fuck. Up.

All of that? Is bullshit. That’s all a load of shit that you’re hiding behind to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.

Because showing this girl how much she, like, means to you? Was telling Amy that you had a fucking girlfriend. Was putting anything else on hold for this girl and her fucking feelings. Just for a fucking second.


Putting the fucking brakes on now?? You’re only doing that because she gets here this weekend. That’s the only reason. And because Amy is forcing you to. If she was a fucking Mouse and said nothing, you’re be happy to just let the next two weeks just… play themselves out.

Wow. That is sooooo awesome. I wish I could find a guy who cared about me like that!

Where were your “two years” when you asked Amy to stay? Practically every single night?? When you said “no” or refused to answer the simple question “do you have a girlfriend?” (“…well… not sure…. if I only had a brain…“)? When you called her “just this girl I know”?


When you asked Amy if you could walk her home, that first night? And called the next morning – after practically the only night you didn’t stay with her?

Where was all that “caring” and “respect” for this person who has been in your life so long and means so much to you then?

And how about when you didn’t fuck Amy because you “didn’t want to mess this up”, because you “wanted to wait” so it’d be “right”, so it would be special?

Oh. Wait.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I’m a little slow too sometimes but I finally got that one. That one was so you didn’t have to blatantly lie when that “girl you know” asked you if you’d slept with Amy. Every other question you can weasel your way out of (apparently).

Well. Now I get that. I was wondering what was taking so long for you to feel right about that.

Well. Congrats, Douche Canoe. You won.

Not because you’re even less able to feel anything than Amy’s ex-boyfriend-of-seven-years.


Not because you’re more of a child than the MB.


Not because you’re more of an asshole than Ski Jump.

No. You do actually feel this genuinely. I’ll believe you there. I believe, in that regard, you were 100% honest.


But, you win because you lack the balls, the conviction, and the fortitude to man the fuck up to those emotions and the way in which you’ve fucking wallowed in them the past several weeks. In the face of something difficult, you throw them away – you risk them all. And don’t give a shit what they mean to you or anyone else. You’d rather hold up this facade of caring for someone you’re treated like absolute shit, someone whose love and emotions you’ve belittled, than own any of your true feelings or your actions. Than reap the consequences of being careless with other people’s hearts.

Damn the sacrifice. Damn the truth. At least you can still pretend. At least YOU don’t have to DO anything else difficult – anything you haven’t been already forced to do.

And, for that Mr. Sweetness and Light, you take the cake.

Hats off. The Twilight Zone spared nothing when it brought you into Amy’s world.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2010 10:21 pm

    “DOUCHE CANOE”!!!!!

    I’m sorry, I can’t even deal with this term. Trademark it fast. I keep saying it out loud and loving it.

  2. September 27, 2010 12:32 am

    I’ve been meaning to incorporate “douche canoe” into my everyday speech for a while now, but I’m not sure whether my co-workers will love it as much as I do. We shall see.

  3. September 27, 2010 9:21 am

    The term “douche canoe” means that nothing else ever needs to comes of this blog.

    Sometimes I am jealous that other people are so much more funny than I can ever dream to be. Then I just hope to trademark their stuff and get rich.

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