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Happy Birthday. Here’s the other shoe.

September 17, 2010

Oh my. How to start, really.

You know those two recent posts (this one and this one) I wrote that were all vague and mysterious (totally)? About the beginning of things, or whatever?

About how shit has been shit for a long time, and here might be something good? Something we were all a liiiitttle fucking smitten with? This new boy that was all sweetness and light? Or whatever? And how we were trying really reallyreallyreallyreally hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to fall. But we thought… maybe not this time?

For instance…

From: Gilbert
Date: September 7, 2010 11:50:41 AM EDT
To: Amy F.
Subject: Enjoyably anxious

This is you over the weekend.

“Is that shoe going to drop today?  Hmm… I don’t see one … perhaps I shall fold up my umbrella.  After all, the sun is making much warmness … wait, is that a shoe??? No, just a bird.  Hmm.”

Yeah… about that.

Funny how sometimes the other shoe has been right behind you all along, waiting to kick you square in the ass.

SO. Basically, Amy met this dude. But first, let’s revisit Amy’s life over the past, oh, nine months.

Broke up with BF of seven years because he didn’t love her. He was perfectly happy to go on pretending like everything was fine. She wasn’t.He continued to not love her while she mourned the relationship that she thought was… but wasn’t. Ouch.

Then there was the MB. I can’t say she dated the MB, because she didn’t. He wouldn’t allow that because there might be “feelings”. Not her “feelings”, according to him. His. And it would make things weird at work. Ignore the fact that he was up her ass all the time (no, I don’t mean that literally), until they would actually hook up, and then he disappeared. And would not even respond to work-related e-mails. That he needed to answer. Nice going, keeping things from being “weird” at work. Way to stay professional. Classic.

Follow the MB with Ski Jump. The last we heard from Ski Jump, they had this amazing date/weekend together. He said all kind of lovely things. And had a really lovely penis. And all was lovely and Amy’s Girl Brain was picking out rings (but just GB – although pretty sure VB might have married the penis). And then he went to the Caribbean. We think he came back. Jury is still out.

And now we have… hmmm…  well. Amy’s mom dubbed him J-Argo, but… let’s go with Sweetness N Light. SnL for short.

All this started out just fine. He was SO into Amy (as he should be). Just sparkling his little ass right off. And, damnit, it worked. They’ve spent a lot of time together. A lot. Like… almost every day since they met. Because he just “… want you to stay…” Uh-huh.

And, hey, spending all this time together when you’ve just met is not exactly something I’d advocate. Doesn’t always work out that well, because y’all think you know each other, but you really don’t. And then something happens (e.g. someone does something that is out of character for who you decided they were, or someone has a bad day… etc) that just fucks it all up (boy does it ever).

But, of course, that’s easy for me to say. Ask me again when/if I meet someone I want to spend every second with.

But I digress.

SO Sweetness n Light seemed damn perfect – being all sweetness and light – and we were all just fucking smitten. Another friend of ours started calling him Bee’s Knees (she’s British).

Although… he was acting “weird”. I, being smitten, blamed it on his parents being in town and his shoulder surgery and told Amy not to worry (hence, this post).  But, once again, we learn to trust our guts (sorry, Amy, my bad).

Soon after the shoulder surgery, Sweetness n Light received flowers. And some chocolates. From a girl. That he knows. Well. Isn’t that interesting.

I should note here that SnL’s line of work has him traveling. A lot. He owns a condo in our area, but hasn’t lived there for four (five?) years. But now he’s there. For now. Because of the shoulder surgery.

Important tidbit. Moving on.

Sweetness shrugs off the flowers, so we do too (what else do you do? And, yes, this is “we” – he’s dating both of us, we’re life partners, duh).

On Weds I go over to Amy’s for a drink, ask how SnL is. She’s weird and tells me it’s complicated and to ask next week. I’m, like, all, “wtf??” but I respect her wishes and let it go (with one eyebrow still raised in her direction…)

Well. Yesterday was Amy’s birthday (of course it fucking was) and I bring sushi over to SnL’s house so we can eat together (we’re going out for real on Saturday). All is fine, look how Sweetness is just sparkling! isn’t it sweetness.

Until… he goes into the other room to talk to his friend. Amy says “hey… you should have some of  his chocolates.” I say, oh no no couldn’t they’re SnL’s… but of course I have a wicked sweet tooth so when Amy says “no, it’s cool” I go for it.

She had an ulterior motive. You know, she thinks she can keep things from me. She can’t. And I don’t mean that in a crazy-psycho way.

Under the chocolates is a card. It says something like this…

“OMG I love you! I miss you so much!!! I love you!!! I cannot wait to see you – I love you so much! Love bunches and bunches and OMG love you! Love ALWAYS, Me. PS. I LOVE YOU!!!!”

OK so maybe that’s not it, verbatim, but the word “love” was used no less than four times (of course I counted), and the terms “I miss you” and “can’t wait to see you” were in there to. As were multiple explanation points.


We got out to a bar after dinner to meet up with friends. Amy later tells me that he “came clean” about this on Monday. And by “came clean” he said “there’s this girl and we’ve known each other and she lives in ____ and so I see her whenever I’m there and I don’t know and I didn’t expect you and I don’t know!”

(Also perhaps not a verbatim quote there. But you get the general tone.)

And. She’s coming to visit. Next weekend. For two and a half weeks.

SO let’s see. I decide that I am going to pull SnL aside and tell him I read the note and that I wanted to ask him about it before telling Amy.

Did I happen to mention I have no problem with confrontation? Especially if you’re fucking with my girls?

Well. That was interesting.

What a fucking coward.

Basically, I pretty much let him have it, but got nowhere. He said that he was being honest and both girls knew about each other (he’s clearly missing the point of all those “love” words, because he had no problem with either me or Amy seeing the note, and when I asked him point blank if he had a GF, he didn’t answer.) But… that was about it. He had no real answers for anything. When I asked him things like “what does this mean for Amy?? What are you going to do??” he just stared at me. Maybe squinted a little like he had missed my meaning (he might be special).

Not even, “well, are you going to fuck this girl while she’s here?” ..(pause for him to get over the fact that, yes, I did just ask you that mother fucker).. “….well… I have in the past….”

Hello, Mr. Honesty. That is not an answer.

And, let me clue you in on a little something. Honesty is NOT the end of the discussion. YES, honesty is better than what we’ve been dealing with for about, oh, the last couple years but… being honest does not get you off the hook.

That’s like the alcoholic saying “I have a problem” and then drinking a bottle of bourbon. And landing in the ER. And then saying “what. I told you I had a problem.”


Look. I get it, ok? I get that he is totally and utterly in over his head. I get that he cares a great deal for this other girl. I get that he doesn’t want to hurt her. I get that he didn’t expect Amy. I get that somehow he has failed to comprehend how serious this other person feels about him.

I also get that he and Amy have only know each other two weeks.

None of that lets him off the hook either. If he and Amy had been casually dating (e.g. gone out a few times) then he would have a lot more line here. But that’s not how this happened. Now is it (spending every fucking day together is not, in any definition, casual – but at least he knows that).

I also understand how difficult this situation is for him. But don’t say it’s complicated. Because it’s not. It might be difficult and emotional, but it ain’t complicated.

It’s simple. You can use all the excuses you want to make it seem “complicated.” It’s not.

If he doesn’t care about this other girl like she cares about him (which is clear given how he has pursued and treated Amy – I do believe that part) then he should end it with her. Re. Gard. Less. of Amy.

If he does feel how he says he does about Amy, if all his sparkle is real (and, for once, I believe that it is), then he needs to realize what he has in front of him. And not fuck it up.

I also get that this in no way ensures that something amazing will happen between him and Amy. This does not guarantee that it’s a good decision and that they won’t decide they can’t stand each other in two more weeks.

Tough shit, pal. That’s life. But, because you chose to go with your gut and your emotions this whole fucking time, you have to follow through. You do not get let off that hook. You are up to your fucking gills on that hook.

Make a decision here – you don’t get to eat the cake.

And do not ask Amy to do the emotional work for you. As in, hang the fuck around while you “figures your shit out”. While you “make some decisions”. And fucks someone else.

He should not (NOT) ask that of her. He should also not ask her to make this decision. It’s not hers to make. She wants to be with him, but she’s in to deep (thank you fucking sparkle) to be ok with him being with someone else. It is not ok for him to start something with her, the way that they have, without ending it with the other person.

That is his work. Not hers. Do not put this on her you fucking fucking douchebag.

And he is. He is telling her that he just doesn’t want this to stop, that he “loves” everything about these past two weeks.

And yet. He can’t fucking sack the fuck up and make a fucking emotionally-difficult but actually simple decision.

I really believe it is simple. I believe he wants to see where this is going to go with Amy, because they both feel it. BUT he doesn’t want to be the asshole to this other girl. Because he does care about her too.

Of course he does. But, take one fucking second to think about how you’ve been treating her all this fucking time, you ass.

You don’t allow someone you care about and respect to tell you they love you, while you are acting the way you have with Amy. Nor do you get to push their love aside like it’s no big deal when you “come clean.”

So. You know what will happen? He’ll take the easy way out. Which is what? Stop talking to Amy and just do whatever with this girl when she gets here. Why is that easy? Because he’s already had the difficult conversations with Amy. Because he is hoping she’ll take on that emotional work for him and be the one to stick around while he just lets whatever happen.

Fuck that shit, man. Fuck it.

Fuck you, Mr. Sweetness N Light. Fuck you.

Thank you, Twilight Zone. You never ever fucking disappoint.

Happy fucking birthday.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. September 17, 2010 2:34 pm

    you say ‘fuck’ alot 😉

  2. September 18, 2010 3:22 pm

    I am fired up. It comes out of my mouth even more than normal when I’m like this. It’s like a tick. Anger makes it worse.

  3. September 18, 2010 8:37 pm

    I maintain that there is nothing so elegant as a well used ‘fuck’ in writing. And that this guy sounds like SUCH a douche-canoe.

    • September 26, 2010 11:07 am

      I must say I absolutely adore the word “fuck”. Nothing seems to complete a sentence, make a point, or sound so good, than a well-used fuck.

      HA HA. Well, then. It’s good in other ways too.

    • September 26, 2010 11:10 am

      Oh, and we LOVE “douche canoe.” Ah-mazing.

  4. September 20, 2010 10:26 am

    I feel like his real punishment might just be having to deal with someone who would actually write:

    “OMG I love you! I miss you so much!!! I love you!!! I cannot wait to see you – I love you so much! Love bunches and bunches and OMG love you! Love ALWAYS, Me. PS. I LOVE YOU!!!!”

    in a card.

    That sounds psycho.

    • September 26, 2010 11:08 am

      Seriously. We should call up the your-love-is-like-the-rain person for that role. Perfect.

      I love it when things come full circle.

  5. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    September 21, 2010 8:48 am

    So, SnL is sequestered from society for 10 months of the year. He is 10% human and 90% neo-tropical migrant. He’s got two months to live it up with someone of the opposite sex before it’s time to pack it up. On one hand, I empathize with his desire to love the one you’re with. However, the main major primary problem here is that Amy is 90% human and … well, let’s just call her 100% human. Where a female warbler knows that she has this male for a few months and that he will only be slightly committed to her even for that time, Amy was not led to believe she had signed up for a time share. Oh, she knew he was gone for most of the year, but when things are new and fun you don’t need to be concerned with what will happen in two months – hell, you might not even be talking to this guy anymore in two weeks. So I don’t fault SnL for having another person in another place … but if he was going to be all romantic and kissy kissy with Amy he needed to be right up front with that information. Amy probably wouldn’t have minded the fling for fun, and would have known that SnL was only half-hearted.

    I suppose SnL didn’t want to mention this up front because he’d go from Sweetness And Light to Sweetness Lite. Alternatively, he didn’t think it was necessary to mention until suddenly it was too late – he’d already crossed Amy’s event horizon and was hopelessly enamored.

    Yes, Amy has an event horizon. This has been clearly and elaborately proven. Maybe not in the true-black-hole sense where nothing escapes, but more in the objects-floating-in-space-which-are-suddenly-affected-by-a-star’s-graviation. Some objects are pulled directly in and never escape, but others (like the MB) seem to follow comet-like paths, thus:

    1) Deep Space: “Do de do…”
    2) Outer Solar System: “Wow! That star over there is … wow. I must get closer to that star.”
    3) Inner Solar System: “WAIT! WAIT! It’s too bright and it’s too hot and I’m going too fast!!!!”
    4) Outer Solar System: “LALALALALA I cannot see or hear you. I am traveling away from you faster than your messages can reach me thus I will not respond to your last text. Which I did not receive.”
    5) Deep Space: “Do de do…”

    WARNING TO SnL: Deep space is a very unhealthy environment for a neo-tropical migrant.

    • September 26, 2010 11:15 am

      Spot on, Gilbert.

      I completely understand SnL’s – oh, hell, I like Sweetness Lite better… or maybe just Douche Canoe… anyway – I understand his position. I totally get it.

      BUT. He lost all ability to use that position when he jumped face-first (splat) into his relationship (whatever that is) with Amy. Things would be 100% different had he gone with full-disclosure from the get-go. Not only for Amy’s sake, but also for his girlfriend’s (I am going to call it what it is, even if he won’t). She didn’t deserve his behavior, either. And NOW he doesn’t get to say “…oh… but… I’m a neo-tropical migrant… I just pretended to be a chipping sparrow because you were so awesome… I don’t want to be a neo-tropical migrant… I swear… but I really should be nice to other neo-tropical migrants… because I care about them… ”

      Shut the fuck up. You threw that girl in the trash, too, asshole.


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