If you only have half – you can keep it.
OK. So. This one starts with a lame-ass confession.
Sometimes… I like lame-ass pop music. Like John Mayer. There. I said it. Ok? I know, lame. But, hey, it’s not like I like all his stuff. Sometimes he’s one whiny bastard. Sometimes he’s not (for example…)
Anyways. The point of this post is not to lament my [sometimes damnit!] terrible taste in music. I just had to make that confession to explain what I actually want to say.
Which actually starts out like this:
I was listening to the radio in the car the other day and John Mayer’s new one, Half of My Heart, came on. I hummed along for awhile, la-di-da, until I started paying a bit more attention.
And I realized… it’s bullshit like this that is part of our problem.
“Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That I can’t keep loving you (can’t keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart…”
See, seems to me that a lot of people find this song, and many like it, very romantic.
But… hello. It’s not.
“Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart…”
Look. I’m not here to pick apart this song. Really, I swear. It’s just that this is a good example of how we sometimes get all fucked up.
Because shit like this sounds good to us. Shit like this appeals to us.
Here’s something I wrote to a friend, a long time ago:
“But I think we romanticize the ‘pushing away’ to be … afraid of falling for us, when really it might be… simply afraid of what we are feeling for them. Maybe. I don’t know…I just think that we often overanalyze these things when they are so simple, mainly because we’re actually making excuses. Trust me, I’m not good at this either. But I have learned the hard way that sometimes, you gotta take it at face value.”
Why do we romanticize these things?
Why is it that, when people say things to us, we listen to what we want to hear, and ignore the part that’s important?
For example: “Oh, baby, you know I’m just not really emotionally available right now. I’m a little fucked up. But… you’re so amazing. I feel so strongly for you – it scares me. I just don’t know if I can do this…”
IMPORTANT STUFF: I am not emotionally available and I am fucked up. I don’t know if I can do this.
SHIT WE HEAR: Oh… baby… you’re amazing… I feel so strongly for you… so strongly it scares me…
And that’s what latch on to – the shit we hear. The important stuff? Yeah… about that… We decide it’s not important. We decide this tragically dramatic ridiculous bullshit scenario is somehow… tragically romantic. Something we want.
WHY IS THAT ROMANTIC. Why the FUCK would you want someone like that?
What the F is wrong with us sometimes?
Coming back to Mr. Mayer and his lyrics, for example:
“Half of my heart
is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart
is the part of a man who’s never really loved anything.”
So… the latter half is clearly the “bad” half… but the other half? Wants a shotgun wedding? Do you even know what that is? You want a wedding where her daddy holds a shotgun to your back because you knocked her up?
Oh. Sorry forgot to do this….. *Swwwoooooonnnnnn*.
Furthermore, pretend we all know John Mayer and his life/relationships are accurately portrayed in the media. What do you suppose he did to the chick (pick any of them) whom he loved with half his heart?
(Although… I actually have no idea what the media is saying about John Mayer right now. Is he in the media? What a terrible example. But you get my drift).
And, of course, ol’ John wouldn’t be the first slightly narcissistic rock star to be slightly unable to see how his lyrics aren’t really an accurate portrayal of how he treats people/lives his life (*ahem*Amos Lee – sorry, Simone! – I actually know about that one).
Here’s the deal. I think we find the song romantic because we think this dude is going to change because he just loves us so damn much and we are so damn awesome.
In addition, if our experiences are any indication, anyone want to bet that the “but…” part of the statement (i.e. the part we hang on to like a fucking pitbull) is added on there simply to make us feel better about ourselves? In some lame attempt at salve on a wound? So that we don’t realize how bad this is, until the other person can make an escape?
Because this douchebag/coward feels the need to add that little dangling “but…” so that he/she can seem less like an asshole right in this moment? Regardless of if, in the end, it keeps us hanging on and fucks us up even more? Because they’re long gone by then. Let’s be honest.
The reality is, if someone has to tell you they’re only able to use half their heart (and they don’t mean that literally) then… don’t think it’s romantic. And if they tells you they really really wants to learn to use the other half?
Let his actions speak louder than his words.
Isn’t that what we’ve learned? Over and over again?
I don’t really understand this – and that’s not to say I’m immune. Quite the contrary. I don’t understand it in myself, either. But… why is it so hard to walk away from some people that are so clearly… wrong?
Something else I wrote, long long ago…
When is it that your heart finally gets it? When is it that it finally starts listening to your head? When does it stop ignoring every rational bit of evidence? I keep thinking that this is over, that this is done. That I get it. That it’s the last fucking straw. Another piece of evidence as to why this was so wrong. As to why I should walk. No. As to why I should run and never look back. And I think I’ve moved on and then… nope. Not quite. What the fuck. My heart keeps telling me that it’s been paying attention this whole time but then… its so obvious that is hasn’t been listening AT ALL. …
And maybe it is just time… that I can’t force it. That maybe it just has to… forget.
Hmm. Maybe it’s because there is something romantically tragic about this person… maybe they’re the emotional equivalent of a bird of paradise, in that their emotional state is so ridiculously unhealthy, maybe it means something about their fitness?
See, female birds don’t look like this. BUT female birds do find longer tails more attractive. Even though longer, flashier tails = easier to see and eat. So – longer tails are, hence, also tragic.
Neither is going to last very long. Get in while you can, ladies.
Or maybe I am really reaching here. Reaaallllyyyy… But I’d like a rational explanation.
Well. Maybe part of the appeal of an emotionally unavailable/fucked up person is being able to say “look – I was able to change this emotionally unavailable/fucked up person. They love me THAT MUCH. I am THAT AWESOME”. As in… “hey, you know this dude here who never loved anyone? Well, guess what kiddos, he loves ME.” …. kind of like an emotional badge, instead of a long-ridiculous-tail badge.
But both are ridiculous. Both are gonna get someone fucked up (one physically, one emotionally).
Because… well, something else I wrote as advice:
DON’T make apologies or try to explain away your feelings because here is the thing – the person who deserves those feelings from you, won’t make you apologize for them. Or feel bad about them. Ever. They will be as excited about them as you are.
Mmmm-hmmmm. Because what the fuck do you want a fucked up person for? Wouldn’t you rather have someone who isn’t fucked up and someone who recognizes how awesome you are right off the fucking bat?
In yoga, we bow after meditation, in part to symbolize the importance of placing your head below your heart. However, sometimes, I think we need to remember the importance of keeping your head above your heart.
Sorry. Not romantic at all. But important.