Girl Fight: Sluts vs. Prudes (via The Sexademic)
For me, there are some choice pieces of this blog that I found particularly pertinent and interesting:
I am weary of gender reductionist dating explanations. We all experience emotions. We all have sex drives. The only difference is how we are taught to interpret these. When you chastise women for their sexual desire while castigating men over their emotions, what happens? Females suppress their desires and males suppress their emotions. There is no biological impetus, only social.
Amen. I don’t care about your other reasoning for this – there is an inherent social construct to how we’re taught to behave. Good girls don’t fuck. And I’ve had enough (enough!!) of the idea that men like sex and want sex and pursue sex and can have sex more than women. I call bullshit!!
Everyone has their own sex drive. They’re different. That’s fine. But can we please (please!!) stop telling women that they’re not supposed to have one at all??? (You know this is true – for instance, men “will take it whenever they can get it!” because women “have a headache” all the time!)
Eschewing the relational and stepping into the casual as a possible means to empower yourself. This doesn’t mean that everyone should go fuck every stranger they see. It means that many women can find breaking out of the mold to be personally liberating.
Oooo… I definitely believe this. In fact, a dear friend of mine is living proof that this can be true. What would happen if women did what they wanted, deep down in the dark little corners of their souls, and not what society told them was… appropriate?
Sure, some are fine with societal norms, and that’s ok. But others…. and the more you talk to women who’ve tried? The more you wonder how many…
I think men could benefit from recognizing their emotions and dealing with feelings of love in a more responsible way.
I think this is also true. It’s not just about women thinking outside the societal box. For crying out loud. I do think perhaps part of it is boys just run from emotion as opposed to dealing/expressing them.
If something is uncomfortable, leave it. Don’t, for the love, actually deal with it.
At the end of the day, dating in the modern world is difficult for everyone. We have the freedom to have sex without pregnancy or STIs and the rules of dating have changed drastically. Everyone is a little confused.
Maybe this is part of the problem? When a women does not conform to societal constructs (e.g. is outwardly a sexual being), perhaps boys don’t know how to deal with her. In addition, everyone has their own insecurities, so maybe boys, incorrectly, allow their confusion to translate into feelings of inadequacy. And no one wants to feel inadequate.
Of course, were he more able to deal with/think about his emotions, perhaps he’d come to a different conclusion…
We should all support choice. This is what feminism is about. CHOICE. The choice to hookup, the choice to get married, the choice to live a life of solitude.
OK. Here? I would argue that this is important not just for women to make choices, and realize there are choices out there, but also for men to realize we’re allowed to make choices. They’re allowed to make choices too! Of course this is a bit scary, because choices also mean trying new things, which means uncertainty – both in terms of yourself, and the other person. And, once again, this can feed into insecurity.
But… I also feel like boys are falling back on societal standards instead of moving forward. This is not just about women figuring this out – men need to, too.
What I (and some of my friends *ahem* Amy) have come up against is this: I am a women who totally gets this and agrees with it and lives it. Yet… this ends up scaring boys off – a reaction, I would argue, that is due far more to the boy’s insecurities and uncertainty than something I did – and there I am. Wondering wtf happened. And not getting effing laid.
Hop on board buddy(I might mean that literally) – or, if it’s not for you, move along. It should be that simple. It’s not. Not just because of women, but also because of men.
And stop slut shaming and playing the victim with misinterpreted scientific data. It drives me crazy.
This is the bottom line. We cannot, as women, allow the reaction of boys to inhibit our choices. To make us shame ourselves, call ourselves “sluts”, make ourselves wait, decide the reason he hasn’t called back is something we did – when it’s just his insecurities.
And it’s about CHOICE, not one sexual style or preference or relationship over another, so keep making choices. Keep embracing a world of possibility. Keep doing what makes you feel good. Remember: as Ms. Fischer points out, simply because the option to have sex is available to you, doesn’t mean you have to take it – so know yourself and what makes you feel good. No-strings sex is not for everyone.
I think there is a final point that I haven’t made, that is central to Ms. Fischer’s, and Ms. Friedman’s, discussion. A point I whole-heartedly agree with:
I propose this: support your sisters. If one friend wants to wait until marriage, another doesn’t care about sex and a third gets a rise out of cruising on Craigslist, support them all. Help each other think through personal actions and try to be happy.
Amen. That’s the final piece. When the boys don’t get it, make sure you do. For you, and for the women around you.
Maybe one day they’ll catch up, but until then, we have each other.