Funny things that aren’t funny at all.
A friend of mine is in the thick of a traumatic break up. This is a re-post from 21 July 2009, but pretty much sums up how I feel right now, yet again, and also how she feels. Although, when I wrote this, I was thinking of my last ex, I don’t think my friend’s ex didn’t mean what he said to her, just somehow decided he wanted to be a child again, live in filth, and get wasted all the time. He gave up an awesome, beautiful girl who just took a residency position to be near him (at his request), for some rich bitch whose shining moment was running one of his scooters into a wall and knocking all her front teeth out. Because she was wasted.
Honestly, sometimes I am appalled at how people treat each other. Sometimes it literally makes me speechless.
This is NOT just my experiences – although they certainly factor in.
Is it the simple answer – pure and complete selfishness? Is it that we cannot possibly see past our own yearnings, cannot possibly see another person, and that is all we can care about? Is it that we can simply put up whatever excuse we’d like (“oh, but they aren’t together any more”… “oh, but she’s not into my friends, she’s into me”… “oh, but we broke up…”) so that we can avoid feeling remorse? Guilt? … shame?
Is it laziness? We don’t want to deal with consequences, we don’t want to think, to act, to try… Or is it fear? Are we afraid of another person’s anger? Of seeing the hurt that we’ve caused?
Is it that perhaps they never mattered as much as we thought they did?
Were we actually being selfish and lazy with our words – saying things we may not have meant, simply because we felt too good, or we were too lazy to think about what they might mean – we just said them?
I believe I’ve written a blog on this already. But I will say it again: the things that matter can always wait for you to take care of the ones you love.
To have that conversation with your “best friend”.
To finish and fix things with an ex.
To be honest.
People love to say “we hurt the ones we love.” I think that that is absolute and utter shit. We hurt them because we know they’ll come back. And that is shit. What the fuck.
They’re funny things… love, relationships…
Why is it that someone can say to us “you have made such an impact on my life – i love you and will always want to have you in my life” and then, not only act in ways that make us feel they could not care LESS about us and if we’re around… but WE’RE the ones impacted? We’re the ones with these marks, these imprints… these scars.
We are the ones that don’t get to forget. We seem to be the ones that have to deal with the impacts – WE feel fundamentally altered. We feel changed… and the other person does not AT ALL?
And, funny thing, we’re also the ones who seem to fight HARDEST to keep this other person in our lives. We try and try – we give second (and third and fourth) chances, when one was CLEARLY enough. We ignore the advice of dear friends who we KNOW care about us and love us… in order to try desperately to keep this other person in OUR lives… when they are doing their damndest to make us stop – even while the words that come out of their mouths say “don’t go,” their actions say… “I don’t care.”
We beat the shit out of ourselves… showing this other person in our actions how much they mean to us… when instead we should be showing them the fucking door.
The shitty shitty thing is… hurting the ones you love because you know they’ll keep coming back for more is often TRUE.
Why is that?
I do believe that sometimes it is a pure emotional… bind (for lack of a better word) that has nothing to do with love or caring. It is all about control and it is all about the loss of that control and wanting to get it back – no matter how unhealthy the thing of it is.
But sometimes its not. Sometimes it is a desperate show of emotions… of true love and caring. Of… “please don’t go. I love you. Don’t do this.”
Sometimes we have to reach fucking rock bottom with someone, before we finally get it. Before we stop giving second, third, and fourth chances… when one was clearly enough.
Sometimes… I’ve felt like it was because I needed to be validated by this other person. “Surely, I must no be X, Y or Z if you suddenly don’t care about me any more. I’m clearly not who you thought I was, I’m not who you wanted.” I’ve had my self confidence stolen right out from under me, like a breath knocked out by a punch.
But then… I look around at my life. And realize that that’s complete shit. Sure, my ego still feels that way sometimes, but I want for nothing in my life.
Is it that I want this other person to mean what they said? Do I really need to know that they meant it? But why does that matter? The yoga sutras teach me to seek truth, to speak truth, and I do. So, if I meant everything I said, is it my place to be hurt with someone else does not?
No. It’s not. You can never take care of another person in this way. They need to take care of themselves and their words – you cannot do it for them.
So… Is it closure? People talk often about “closure”… like it is some magic event we need it to move on. I know I have. But… that also seems a little like bullshit.
I mean… how much more closure can you get than this person that you care about, that you might love, that has said they loved you, treating you without respect, courtesy, or common decency? Let alone how you might treat them? Let alone with anything remotely like love?
Isn’t that closure enough?
So what is it? Why is it so hard to walk away and why am I so hurt? Why is it so hard to get over some things, if I know myself, I know who I am, I know how I would treat another person… so it isn’t me… why do I need something from someone who has been so very very clear with all they can give? Why is it so hurtful to know words were spoken that weren’t true… why do I feel completely deserted… when it is by someone who has shown me they don’t deserve to be in my life?
I don’t know.
Another funny thing… when someone complains about how they’ve been treated… and you agree – they’ve been treated like shit. And yet… they can turn around and do ALMOST the EXACT SAME THING to someone else. How is that possible? How do we not take our experiences and internalize them… so we never make another person feel the hurt that we have felt?
Especially if we know this other person would only want to take our pain away? Especially if we once looked at this person, looked in their eyes, and said “I love you”? Especially if they have done nothing to us? They have cared about us and done nothing to deserve the treatment we’ve dealt out?
Is it purely selfishness? Laziness? Fear? What?
Sometimes… I think the only way we’ll ever get it, and keep others from that pain, is this: Every time the person we said we loved felt pain – we felt it too.
We had to feel every tear.
Every time the heart breaks open again.
Every time the breath is stolen.
Every time we wake up and are reminded.
The hurt. The insecurity. The disbelief. The confusion. The sadness. The anger.
I’ve thought before that we could use virtual reality to treat criminals. Make them feel what their victims felt – whether it is a murder, rape, the fear during a mugging… would they do it again?
Would the same idea work here, too?
If we had to feel it… would that, at the very least, make us think twice?
Would it make us try, just the littlest bit, to stop, to slow down… to make things right?
What would happen if the person who fucked shit up… had to experience what it was like to deal with the devastation, to pick yourself up somehow… and clean up?
Funny thing… The person who made the mess… rarely stays around long enough to clean it up.
I suppose… the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter. Does it. You see people for who they are, you deal with that. And learn to heal yourself and keep those in your life that deserve to be.
Although I am not religious in a traditional sense, I believe there is an interconnectedness to us all. I believe that what we put out into the world, we will get back. I believe the yoga sutras, that I can learn and grow from all my experiences – no matter how painful, and that I can only take care of myself. In the end, these thoughts, these ramblings, are meaningless.
It is what is in YOUR heart, it is how you live YOUR life, that matters.
But… the truth is always right in front of us. You always know how things will end, even as you fight for something different.
I have put out into the world that those that matter will stick around. I will learn to let go of those that do not.
The truth HAS always been right in front of me – it’s just not always easy to see it. Funny thing.. despite all my rantings, I am rarely surprised. I already know what time will tell. When shit hit the fan, when I saw the mess coming… I could tell you right then and there how it would end.
I already know who has left, and who will stick around. Even when it hurt… I already knew.
One more funny thing: a friend called me before I could post this. Dealing with… you know… shit.
She said… “there is no such thing as closure. It is an excuse to keep from dealing with your own pain and issues.”