Please take a hint.
I was going to post this last week but… got side-tracked. By life.
A few weeks ago, some friends and I went to go see a friend of ours play at a local bar. This is not a bar we frequent, unless T is playing, mainly because the crowd is too young and drunk (although it is pretty funny to watch them get shitfaced and, instead of suddenly turning into pumpkins at midnight, start suddenly making out with each other all over the place).
So we’re here, hanging out. I go to the bathroom to come back to Amy in flirt-mode with this dude who looks like a young Matt LeBlanc (and you have to assume he’s playing that up – what with the hairstyle and mannerisms… ridiculous) and his nerdy friends.
At about this time, a guy goes to walk past us. We happen to make eye contact so he says “hey” and I say “hey”. Gut reaction? Awww… a brand-new just-shut-the-closet-door-quietly-behind-me gay boy who doesn’t quite have it yet… and in this bar full of popped-collar frat boy douchbagery. At this exact moment, some DB knocks into this guy and spills his brand-new beer. Since I can’t help but feel sympathy for my little gay friend, I try to give DB the wtf/stink eye – to help guilt him into buying a new beer. Naturally the dude refuses to look at either of us and goes on his merry way.
New Gay Friend and I say “can you believe that guy??” and strike up a conversation. He is way too young and TOO GAY for me, but I feel kind-of sorry for him and figure I should talk to him (plus the gays love hot chicks – and it might make him look cooler to be the only dude I’ll give the time of day to in here). NGF compliments me on my shirt and asks “is that salmon?” He tells me I have “great energy!”
Add mutual ego-strokage to reasons why Gay Boyfriends Are Great.
Eventually, Amy turns back to us (she’s not really interested in Matt LeBlanc, she just loves nerdy boys – what can I say). Her immediate reaction mirrors mine – “hooray new gay friend!” This is how obvious this is.
She says something about him being gay – well, something that insinuates it, anyway. And then goes back to talking with Matt and his nerd entourage.
New Gay Friend’s attitude changes. He makes sure to mention he has a lot of friends who are gay, but he’s never been interested in that – although of course they hit on him all the time. He asks me if I’ve ever been in a threesome. He’s been in a couple – but then this typical frat-boy douchbageristic question backfires: his threesomes have all been with two girls… he’d really like to try one with another guy.
Uh huh. Ok.
And then he tells me to get out my phone. Shit. He asks for my number and says he’s going to call me right now so I will have his. Seriously? Awesome. Nice work making sure you have the chick’s number right.
I want to say to him, “OK look. You are way too young for me – and not my type. BECAUSE YOU’RE GAY. And that’s the only reason I started talking to you all buddy-buddy like in the first place!”
But… next thing I know… he’s got my number. However. I also have his – so when he texts me, I can ignore it and that will be that.
Or not. Not only is the dude GAY – he can’t take a mother fucking hint. I’ve already discussed this sort of thing briefly but… Seriously, dude. I have not responded ONCE to you and yet…
Received: Sat Jun 12, 11:13 pm Glad we met. Very nice!
[Borat reference. In case you missed that – it has been awhile. He was making them quite often.]
Received: Tue Jun 15 3:46 pm U like motorcycles?
Received: Sat Jun 19 5:02 pm Hey [my name] :)... u and ur gf I met should come to this awesome party next week
Received: Thu Jun 24, 12:23 pm Free booze for my bday Friday nite 8pm @ [name of local bar].
I mean… explain this to me. Explain to me WHY on earth you would continue to contact someone, when you have had absolutely no response? And, what, us girls are the ones who get told all the time “he’s not contacting you because he’s not into you so just leave it and stop analyzing”, which is true, but… what if you don’t even analyze you just… keep… at… it… maybe you’ll wear me down?
Or…. perhaps YOU’RE GAY.
Sorry. Just saying.
Because… rides on motorcycles and free booze and omg it’s my birthday did NOT illicit a response. Just saying… MIGHT BE TIME TO MOVE ON (… out of the closet…)
Nope. Monday morning…
Received Mon July 5, 9:50am Hey u... guess who Just moved to [name of my town].
Now you’re just getting all stalker-y on me. Imagine if a GIRL did this.
I blame society.