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mating strategies.

May 10, 2010

A Tale of Two Douche Bags ….

Our first DB was encountered by a friend of mine several weeks ago. They’re old friends – she was in his vicinity for a conference, they decided to catch up.


Over the course of this catching up, they had a lengthy conversation about monogamy. He’s not into it. She isn’t that sure about it herself, but is more on the exploratory end. He’s pretty much certain.

He lives with his girlfriend.

Conversation continues. He complains about how he’s buying a house and she keeps using terms like “ours” when discussing it. He’s irritated because he’s the one buying it.


Hello, DB Number One. You are living together. Of course she thinks of the house as “ours“. Doesn’t matter that you bought it. Don’t be an ass, you ass.


He proceeds to discuss how he’s cheated on his GF several times now. Does she know? Of course not.


Has he discussed his thoughts on monogamy with this woman? Who is his partner, whether he likes it or not?


Of course not. Why do that?

DB Number Two is in a two-year relationship. According to him, totally in love with his girlfriend. Does not want to break up.


He, also, is not entirely sure about this whole… monogamy thing. He cheated on his GF for the first time recently. She found out and flipped shit. Is he trying to keep the relationship together? Of course. Will he cheat again? Give him the fucking chance. (Literally.)

He loves his GF. He just wants to fuck other women.

Look. I have my own thoughts on monogamy (what’s that?) and if you’re not  into it, great (we should totally hang out…). Not-being-into monogamy is just fine with me – and by no means makes these gentlemen douche bags.

However. If you’re not into monogamy… Why. The fuck. Pretend like you are??

Newsflash. That whole conversation about monogamy that you so easily have with some people? Yeah… kind of information that your current partner would have liked to have had… oh… I don’t know… before you moved in together? Probably? Before that whole two-year anniversary thing?

These boys are not douche bags because they don’t believe in monogamy. These boys are douche bags because they don’t have the fucking balls to be honest with the person they are with. They go beyond the whoops-got-drunk-and-my-dick-slipped to knowing and stating outright that they don’t believe in monogamy and will cheat whenever given the opportunity… while maintaining this relationship. While living an absolute lie. Saying the word “love” (and do not even get me started on how flippantly so many people use that term – for another time) to someone who trusts them. Treating this other person who cares about them like absolute and utter shit – and, in the case of one of the DBs, actually mildly (or not so mildly) insinuating that his behavior (not the sex but the lying) is perhaps partially her fault (i.e. she should know by now – and thus, she is inadvertently accepting this by not breaking up with him). And trying to act like they’re not being complete and utter assholes simply because… well, I don’t believe in monogamy so…


That, my friend, is why you are a Class A Douche Bag.

There is actually a biological explanation for this douchebagery – and, while I explain this, let’s think back to Cave Men Times and ignore all newfangle-y things like in vitro fertilization and DNA tests.


When us girls pop out a kid, we know with very high certainty that the kid is our own genetic material. It popped out of my vagina, guess it’s mine!


Thus, biologically, since human babies are such a pain in the ass to raise, the best way to ensure your genetic material (in the form of a new person) survives to propagate that genetic material (by having more new people), is to find someone to help you the fuck out. In other words, the biological goal here is to get yo’ baby daddy to stick around. Because that is the best way to ensure your genes are passed on (since you already know the baby has them – due to the whole popping-out-of-your-vag thing.)

For boys, however, the biological goal is very different. Males have no way of truly knowing if the baby that popped out is theirs. For all they know, you snuck out of the cave while they were off taking a piss and fucked the mailman.


Thus, biologically, one way to ensure a man’s DNA makes it to the next generation is to spread it around as much as possible. Do that, and surely one will stick, right?


Sure, an alternative is to be able to trust your mate when she tells you the baby is yours. In fact, the best scenario would be to be able to trust your mate that her baby is yours. You can then put the most actual effort/resources into that baby (because human babies don’t do that well on their own, and if your baby doesn’t make it to adulthood, neither do your genes).

However…males can never be really certain about the kid (since it didn’t pop out of their vagina), so spreadin’ that seed around is really just back up. Good genetic planning, if you will.

These strategies of encouraging genetic success are not reserved for humans. They are general ways (called “mating strategies“) in which animals attempt to ensure their genes make it one more generation. (BTW, you want to know the meaning of life? It’s ensuring your genes are passed on. No joke. Kinda makes us all seem like big giant DNA movers, doesn’t it. Who knew we were only here for the good of our ATCG?)

National Library of Medicine

Anyway. In conclusion, the root of the behavior of my two DBs here can be explained by biological mating strategies. This also explains why they don’t actually talk to their mates about their thoughts on monogamy. That would ruin the entire strategy: it only works if your mate doesn’t know. If she found out, maybe she’d be more likely to cheat too, therefore you have even less certainty her baby is yours. All bets off at that point and how do you know where to put your effort/resources?

Of course, what this also basically means is these boys are simply giving in to their most base animal instincts. Obviously, neither actually wants any babies.

Aren’t we more evolved than this?

Why don’t you just use that rational brain you’re supposed to have and find a relationship where you don’t have to lie?

(Ha. Side note. If I am making the argument that the root of this douchebagery is basic, unevolved, biological instinct… and if, on a basic biological level, sex is pleasurable so we’ll procreate and pass our genes on by having babies… and I am a female who uses sex for pleasure only and has gotten over my need to make babies completely nor do I need the man to stick around, e.g. I’ve moved beyond the basic, unevolved biological drives…. does that make me more evolved?)

(I say yes.)

*** POSTSCRIPT ***

After I wrote this, I actually came across an article with a little evidence to back me up.

Interesting. Isn’t it.

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