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…on being blind.

May 6, 2010

I feel all Serious today. If there is a parade in my vicinity, I’ll be the Rain.

My sister isn’t speaking to me.

She isn’t speaking to anyone. I didn’t do anything. Actually, she did something. She accidentally rear-ended someone. Totally just one of those things. Sure, the lady was a bitch about it, but whatever.

The incident itself wasn’t the big deal… it was more… a straw… falling softly… on the back of a camel.

My sister isn’t really speaking to anyone because she rear-ended someone + that someone was a bitch + she spends all her time at work + everyone at work is married and has kids so they don’t hang out with her on weekends all the time + her BF of six months broke up with her via text message and was dating someone else two days later (this was all over a month ago, but still) + my sister doesn’t like not having a boyfriend.

All these things are just life. Sure, some of them pretty much flippin suck but…

Well. In my sister’s case, + she is depressed + she is anorexic.

She’s on meds, sure, but… a lot of her stuff stems from not loving herself all that much. And a genetic propensity to depression.

It is really difficult to be across the flippin country from her. The phone just doesn’t cut it. Especially when anything you try to say to her, she just tells you that you don’t understand. This Isn’t Helping. And hangs up.

The thing is… I may not understand her… but she clearly doesn’t understand me either. What I am trying to say to her. The difference, of course, is that I want to understand. I think, if I could understand, even a little,  I’d be better equipped to help her… to say something that Does Help.

And maybe… if instead of cutting me off, she tried to see where I was coming from (a place where I don’t need a boyfriend + am happy with myself + can be alone without being lonely), maybe I would have something to teach her in return.

Even if it’s minor.
Even if there are levels to her issues that I can never understand. I fully comprehend I cannot fix her, but… maybe I could at least say one thing right. I fully comprehend that the reasons she can’t see my side are so significant and deep-rooted, they probably exist in her DNA… but…maybe…something minor?

Oh, also. Add to this whole situation the fact that she has an anorexic patient right now. The woman came back in because she is now 78 pounds. Seventy-eight pounds. As a (presumably) non-anorexic person, you might say… “well, perhaps helping this other woman might help your sister? Maybe get her to see something about herself? A wake-up call?”

Um. That’s not how this works. Actually, that woman is a trigger for her. Not an alarm.

The woman is also married. How. The hell. Do you allow. Your WIFE. To reach. SEVENTY-EIGHT fucking POUNDS.

My sister insists he’s a good husband and very supportive and caring and…

WTF then!

Along this same vein… yesterday I learned that one of my yoga teachers isn’t so skinny because of the divorce… she gets “high” from not eating.

Ok. So. The yoga sutras teach vairagya, non-attachment. I could see how this could be skewed to say “I am unattached to food, therefore I will not eat.” Or something like that. However. I would argue this is very wrong. The sutras also teach that we should nourish our bodies and minds so we can go out and be a positive influence in the world. I would argue that we know our bodies need food. I would argue not eating is actually attachment to the withholding of food from the body: attachment to the ability to do so, to the “high”.  Because, when we don’t eat, our bodies do release endorphins to quite literally take our minds off it. Not because it’s such a great idea, but because our bodies think we’re literally starving. Maybe the ability to not-think about that will enable us to gooutandfind somegoddamnfuckingfood.

To me, these three little vignettes have more in common than females starving themselves on purpose.

It’s the things we don’t want to see…. maybe. It’s the unwillingness… or the inability… to come out of the nice little place we made for ourselves… whether it is constructed out of our own depression and sadness, or straight-up denial. We all have our own fucking shit that leaves us unwilling, or unable, to see exactly where we are.

Doesn’t matter who you are… you can even be a yogi who is supposed to be, at the very fucking least, self aware.

So. Naturally (or maybe not so naturally for a lot of people), in addition to all the other thoughts these things provided me, I also wondered…

… what is it that I can’t see?

One Comment leave one →
  1. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    May 6, 2010 2:30 pm

    Very well written blog today. It just carried me along like a river, and as the other rivers joined it I thought it might calmly bring me to the sea … but instead the end was like Niagara Falls.

    BTW, I think the answer is: the same way you’d allow her to reach two hundred seventy eight pounds. Like your sister, either a person wants to listen to other people who are trying to help, or they are going to blow you off.

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