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…if i were a special agent…

May 5, 2010

Clearly we need to be more focused on Mondays…

Sent: Monday, May 03, 2010 1:34 PM
To: Me
Subject: ummm…

Can you keep this on the DL? Because I have a bit of news which may or may not be of interest to you. But I feel sort of weird because it gets a bit incestuous, crossing my lines of gossip and deep undercover information from the same location. Like telling one spy about something another spy told you about a third person both the spies know. For example. So, I need to swear you to secrecy. Please.

It may not be that secret actually. For all I know he may have made this perfectly clear, much to your delight or dismay – I will not judge nor attempt to. But there is a certain person who works there who has recently been estranged from his wife. They are contemplating getting back together, and I hear that he really wants to have some sex with someone else while they’re on a break. Really. Wants. Sex. I thought, “Who does that remind me of?” Really, that’s a rhetorical question in this email, but in case you’re not positive, it reminded me of you. So, sworn to secrecy: he works in ____. Has no kids. Married, now separated. Male. I think that should just about pin the tail on the donkey. The dude abides.

From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2010 1:46 PM
Subject: Intel received.

Dear SuperSpy ______,

Intelligence has been received. Sensitivity of information acknowledged.

The opportunity is of interest. However, not all such requests can be accommodated by this agency.

  1. Physical standards are required to be met

Addition potential concerns (by importance):

  1. Awkwardness factor of potential concern
  2. Personal morals of potential concern

Additional intel necessary for further decision analysis. Information requested (by importance):

  1. Further data for physical standards testing
  2. Time frame for decision analysis – how large is window of opportunity?

Thank you for your contact.

Sent: Monday, May 03, 2010 2:03 PM
To: Me
Subject: Re: Intel received.

Agent ______,

Unable to provide relevant physical data at this time.  Insufficient locker room cohabitation for data acquisition.  Recommend casual manual exploration of upper extremities to establish a more adequate physiological profile.  Acknowledged subject may deviate from highly muscular prototype commonly targeted by your agency.

Timeframe of opportunity unknown.  Subject in active contact with former co-habitator.  Morals of subject known to be skewed toward active participation in meaningless sexual encounter.  Repercussions of said encounter on said morals unable to be determined at this time.

This office notes the potential for awkward future contact.  Anticipate contact will be minimal due to atrial division and seclusionary characteristics of building.  Potential mailbox encounters may be minimized or maximized based on average linger time in area 142.  Current inhabitant of 142 could be cultivated as potential scout for maximizing mailbox interactions.

From: Me
Sent: Monday, May 03, 2010 2:38 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Intell received.

Special Agent Man-Handler:

*********** WARNING WARNING WARNING ***********

We regret to inform you that we may not be able to take advantage of this opportunity, despite clear and documented agency need for sexual encounters.

Initial in-house reconnaissance unsuccessful. Previous knowledge concludes all known possible subjects still residing in location do not meet current standards. Agency aware of atrial division and seclusionary characteristics of building; such characteristics may mean unknown subjects that meet standards still exist.

Desirability standards for requested activity are selective, yet variable*. Tests for affinity and chemical attraction required†.

CONCLUSION: Investigation ongoing, but outlook is poor.

*Frequent requests that standards be lowered to achieve agency goals have been officially logged by Special Agent VB. Rationale: Standards unnecessary red tape. These requests have been denied.

†Documented evidence that test results are subject to addition of alcohol. Preference: vodka. Most influential: bourbon or whiskey.


Collaboration between agencies established: Your contact is appreciated and continued inquiries of this nature are encouraged.

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