Notes from a wedding. With [anonymous] photos.
I’ve heard that some people (predominately of the single-female variety) don’t like weddings. It reminds them of what they reallyreallyreally want and they get all sad and lonely.
Hmmm. That’s other girls, right? Well. I suppose I should admit that my Girl Brain is alive and well. Although suffering from narcolepsy most of the time, the wedding I went to on Saturday woke her up a bit more than usual.
I’d also like to mention that weddings are indeed a fantastic place to get laid. VB was wide awake too. Of course, I blame that more on the open bar. And the fact that she’s always paying attention (…maybe she and GB are in cahoots – wherein GB does all the… resting.)
All that being said, the last thing I felt was sad or lonely. Weddings, with the right people, are a flippin blast. It’s pretty much a big fucking party with free booze and food.
Well. That and the actual wedding ceremony. Make it through that and what’s not to love?
Regardless. I believe I overindulged… and had a great effing time. I also took notes:
1. Showed up early to get ready with the Bride, her mom and mom-in-law-to-be, and all twenty of her closest girlfriends.
She’s ingesting Pepto-Bismal. We’re drinking mint juleps. Reason Number Thirty-Four Why I’m Glad It’s Not Me.
2. One of Bride’s Friends from College read some passage on love and marriage. I stopped paying attention after the first paragraph because I needed another julep. Both Moms and all nineteen other friends teared up. I did not. Reason Number Seventy-Eight Why It’s Not Me.
3. For the ceremony, I sat right behind Bride’s Brother’s Hot Best Friend. Have not seen him in a couple years. He’s married now. Damn. He wife loves chickens. How charming.
4. Speaking of charming, I sat across the aisle from a couple with three kids. Their daughter, who was clearly old enough to know better, would not shut the fuck up and, at one point, stood in the aisle with snot running down her face, pulled her skirt up and announced she wanted her Mommy (who was right effing there) and her other shoes. Her parents had to take her outside about seven times. Eventually they caught on that we could still hear her screaming for her mommy and took her across the street. Reason Number Five-Hundred-And-One Why I Don’t Want Kids.
5. Apparently if you are religious (Catholic), love and marriage is always a threesome. Because God/Jesus is also there. Should marriage ever be something I want to do with my life, there actually ARE some things I already know about the ceremony (other women plan colors and dresses from age 10 – all I know is God ain’t invited.)
6. It was a fabulous spring day and there were ladybugs in the air and high up on the walls of the church. Some even clung to people’s clothes as we were leaving. Sweet, isn’t it? Until you remember some ladybugs are voracious predators.
7. You can see straight through that sweet little old Swedish lady’s dress. How unfortunate (surely all this money could buy her a slip…?)
8. Oh! Open bar! ……What antibiotics?
9. One of the guys at our table spilled his wine. It made these lovely images on the paper towels. Guess what I saw in the right Rorschach test. Srsly. That was an accident.
10. If you have fifteen (ok not that many) toasts at the reception, I should get a refill on my champagne.
11. The do-it-yourself photo booth outside (complete with props) was a great, fun idea. The older gentleman who assumed position at the shutter (when all twenty of the Bride’s Closest Girlfriends had had too much wine and decided it was time to check out the booth) and said “whose your daddy??” instead of “smile!” was not.
12. I think the White Boy Shuffle is a requirement on wedding dance floors. However, it’s not every wedding that my friend from Colombia is there to put all the White Girls to shame as well (watching them try to keep up was actually pretty funny).
13. It is only at weddings that people over fifty make their own dance circles.
14. At a wedding two summers ago, the bride and groom (both friends of mine) were asked by their parents “who was that girl in the white skirt? She sure was having fun…” When on a dance floor in a skirt, I may or may not tend to grab the hem and swishitallaround! while dancing (I am sure this looks much sexier than it sounds). At this past wedding, as a result of this signature move, my skirt apparently got closer and closer to my ass as the night went on. My underwear may or may not have been spied in the course of this (unfortunately this is really saying something as I had on a nude lace thong).
While I do remember trying to keep my hands down at this wedding… I also ended up on stage with the band. There was a tambourine involved. And I sang backup on “Mustang Sally”. Hey. I had help for that part.
15. I also put my heel through the lace hem of the little petticoat under my dress (I decided this is actually impressive as my dress was knee-length). It ripped – but only a little in the back. On a positive note, the jitterbug dance moves that caused this little mishap were also called “inspiring!” … by one of the other Nineteen Closest Girlfriend’s husband.
16. They had a great band. Few weddings have calls for encore performances (are we at a show here people or a reception? Not that I am complaining. Where’s that tambourine?)
17. It’s a good thing the band was awesome and all that dancing was such a blast. Nineteen Closest Girlfriends + Groom apparently has one friend (the Best Man – who-is-married-to-that-stunning-Colombian-woman) + Catholic Families = this statement from the Bride the week previous: “I have a bunch of single friends coming to my wedding! Oh wait! They’re all women!” And straight (as far as I know…).
18. I made out with a straight girl at one of the last weddings I went to. She brought it up, there are a series of photos where I look like I am going to devour her, and then I dragged her to the parking lot when no one was looking. I decided this may not be appropriate when the other Single Friends are the ones you DON’T know (the other wedding had a full open bar – this one was wine and beer. Therefore no martinis. Also helpful for self-control).
19. Don’t you want me to come to your wedding?