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the Fear.

April 30, 2010



Or not.


So. This whole MB mess has got me thinking. Mainly because it is completely unexplainable why he keeps acting like such a big fucking pussy. I mean… Amy is hot, fun, smart, funny, motivated, independent, etcetcetc. Furthermore, she and the MB clearly have a lot in common and have a flippin’ great time together so…


WTF man. Right?


The thing is, he is clearly into her. It’s pretty much obvious to everyone around them and numerous people have mentioned to Amy how he is totally in love with her. Of course, no one knows what’s really going on… and no one would believe it either.

Honestly? They would never believe she’d give him a chance. And yet… he’s the one not following this through?


That’s the situation we’re dealing with here. What the fuck is that.


I have read “He’s Not That Into You.” I get that – and I believe there are important nuggets of advice within that book. However. I also believe there is something beyond not-that-into-you (and I think that yes, “beyond” is an excellent word choice here – as in, beyond realityin the Twilight Zone).


It’s the Fear.


The Fear is the manifestation of all of this person’s insecurities (in this case, the MB). Feeding into this might be the (often subconscious) knowledge, or at least the assumption, that the other person (in this case, Amy) is out of their league. Hence, one day she’ll probably wake up and think to herself “wtf was I thinking” and, in best case scenario, hit the road… in worst case (and perhaps more likely) laugh in his face and point out all the reasons why she’s leaving while on her way out. Or she’ll meet someone else who is actually on her level of awesome.


In addition, starting new relationships can make people really vulnerable, i.e. you’re putting yourself out there, prior to the development of a trusting relationship. This is even worse if you’re already insecure.

New intimacy also makes you vulnerable. I’d say, for the majority of people, just being naked ups their insecurity level about five thousand times (ok perhaps slight exaggeration). Add to that anxiety over being good in bed, the awkwardness of a new partner (while you try to figure out what the fuck to do right), and wha-bam. Whaaaaaaat a shit-show.


No wonder the MB is playing hit and run. It’s not that he’s not-into Amy. It’s that… he’s just not-that-into himself. Not every situation can be summed up with not-that-into-you.


Honestly? We’d prefer not-into-us than this bullshit. He’s-not-into-you insinuates some kind of clarity and finality. The Fear usually results in a lot of … wtf is going ON.


However. The bottom line for both he’s-not-that-into-you and the Fear are identical: Move the fuck on. If he’s not into you? What’s the point? Find someone who is. If he’s too fucking insecure he can’t follow through? Well. I don’t know about you, but I prefer a man with balls.


The problem, of course, is that the Fear keeps coming back to bug the SHIT out of you once the Fear has receded enough (the intensity of the Fear usually exhibits an inverse relationship to time-since-last-hook-up/honest-moment) and he remembers how awesome you are. And…we have trouble accepting the Fear.

“Wait… did you just do that? Really? OK… well, now you’re back so… Maybe that wasn’t what you meant. Maybe you’re growing a pair now so let’s try this again…”


The Fear is a PAIN IN THE ASS because the person succumbing to it is actually into you. And you are into them. And you cannot for the LIFE of you understand WHY THE FUCK you can’t at least start something when things can be so flippin awesome.


Leave it.


It’s unfortunate but true. My girlfriends and I have seen this many times (try this one for another example). What’s important is that we recognize the Fear and that we let that go just as quickly as we do the boys not-into us. Even though it’s about a million times (perhaps exaggerating again) more difficult.


But those people are not going to change. No amount of hotness, awesomeness, smartness or fun-ness (wow that’s amazing) is going to take away their insecurities.


I don’t care what Hollywood tells you. They are NOT going to suddenly wake up and miss you and change. Sure, they’ll wake up and suddenly be up your ass again – but they won’t be any different if you try and pursue something.


Don’t trust what GB tells you. Trust me on this instead.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Gilbert Lowell permalink
    April 30, 2010 5:50 pm

    So … Xanax is to MB what Viagra is to Bob Dole?

    BTW, I don’t think anyone is on Amy’s level of awesomeness after her wild wild west tour.

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  1. What [else] you can learn from Random Dudes I Met in Europe. « Women Are From Mars

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