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We just want some sex.

April 2, 2010

Background: A friend of mine thought she was entering into a no-strings-attached fuck-buddy relationship. Basically, she and a guy friend of hers (they’ve been friends for a long time) were complaining how they needed to get laid and they decided this would be a good idea. They find each other mutually attractive and are good friends, but don’t want a relationship. After the agreement, there was a lot of flirting and some ridiculous fingerplay while she was trying to drive him home.Oh, and some phone sex…  kind of.

Also – they already had some sex over a year ago when she broke up with her then-boyfriend (she and the BF got back together for a brief time and broke up again.) After the sex the first time, he freaked himself out and ignored her for awhile (keep in mind they’ve been friends a long time so this was really irritating)… and then started flirting like crazy again. This time around, part of the conversation was “ok but last time you freaked yourself out. I don’t want to have sex just the one time.” His response “I know! I know! I swear it won’t happen again!”

However. Since then road…foreplay (whatever) and not-quite phone sex… things have been… shall we say.. different? Or rather… too familiar? Aren’t boys supposed to want the fuck-buddy relationship?

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

From: Her
Sent: Wednesday, March 31 2010 at 11:23 AM
To: Me
Subject: wtf.

… the Twilight Zone is in full effect!

So… SG comes up and asks _____to give him a ride to and from the car dealership tomorrow (granted, it’s on _____ way to work, not mine anymore)… but… but… WTF??? So we’re going to go ahead and not only miss an opportunity, which yes, I realize he is running from and no longer cares about, but it’s still insane, and instead… spend the car ride with… with… a dude??!! Shocking.

Perhaps I should tell _____ to make sure his pants are secured tightly.

Okay, okay… and to make things even better… while he’s in the _____, he says about TWO freaking words to me.. something like “what’s up?”! AHhhhhhh!!!! The crazy has made my brain explode! Srsly. Srsly. Srsly. We haven’t spoken in person since the car “incident”. Sometimes I really don’t get it. And my brain is totally being your brain right now because I want to confront and slightly yell, a la crazy you. I’m trying to ignore, but it’s impossible not to want to call people out on their absolute and total bullshit!

Help. Brain. Gone.

From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, March 31 2010 at 11:46 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: wtf.

Hmmm… it would appear that we have a situation rarely encountered in the wild… a time when… this is amazing… unprecedented…

GB, VB, and RB are in… complete agreement. They agree on this: “W. T. F.”

GB says “what? don’t you like me any more? Perhaps he has a reason… here he comes to ask me, oh boy! Wait… where are you going? Why are you talking to him?? I’m pretty and he’s a boy! WTF!”

VB says “I am a vagina. You have a penis. Your penis told me that you wanted to have some sex. You’re a boy. You’re supposed to want to have sex – ESPECIALLY if it is no-strings. I don’t see any strings. Do you see any strings?? ALL I SEE IS THE GIANT SIGN I KEEP WAVING THAT SAYS ‘FREE SEX YOU MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT!!’ WTF!!!!”

RB says “GB should shut it and I know allllllll the reasons why VB is wrong and a bad bad influence. I know rationally this is a good idea – the no-sex thing. However. In a more general sense and given what I thought was reality…. on simple principle…. WTF????”

Yes… it would appear that such a strange and unbelievable event has occurred… where else but in… the TWILIGHT ZONE.

Honestly… this is sliding down a very slippery slope for a couple reasons:

1. Hook Up Hangover (even though… was it technically a hookup this last time?)

2. He was/is vulnerable. Any time there’s intimacy, there’s vulnerability. Fact of life. Some of us care, some of us don’t (*ahem* to myself).  He clearly cares about this and now he’s feeling all weird inside… and this ties into why people have the Hook Up Hangover in the first place.

3. Control. He could trick himself into thinking he had some when it was all flirty and he was going after YOU in the car. And he felt like he was pursuing you. Of course, in reality, you were on the same level… but… all that changed and, partly because of reasons above and partly because oh hello you want it too… control is no longer so clear…

4. He’s scared. Because of some of the things above, he clearly freaked himself out, once again, and totally ignoring you for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON and doing EXACTLY what you said he WOULD and he SWORE he WOULDN’T. But… how, exactly, will he address it as time goes by and this becomes more awkward and obvious? Ohhhh do nothing. Everything else is too scary (you might turn him down, yell, or worse, laugh) or too hard (i.e. having a decent conversation – the initiation of which might (I mean probably will) involve yelling and/or laughing).
You might also say “well, actually that was a stupid idea, you have a small penis (they’re all worried about this even if its not true) and I woke up and realized I know better.” Yikes – how scary. Ha ha – too bad he doesn’t know that won’t happen. But, he’s a boy and he’s clearly an idiot, and society does not know yet that WE JUST WANT SEX sometimes so you won’t actually tell him no.

But think about it – at this point, his little brain thinks “oh no if I talk to her she will yell at me and tell me I am an idiot because clearly I am one so let’s just pretend nothing happened and act like we don’t know her!” regardless of what he actually wants to do. I mean… given what we know about this effing IDIOT, can you actually imagine him trying to come crawling back at this point?? That would be pretty tough and, let’s be honest, he doesn’t have the game OR the confidence to do something like that.

Don’t worry – because he has to see you again, he’ll be back eventually – once he starts wanting sex and you being hot becomes, once again, more important than how he feels vulnerable/scare/stupid. Like last time, it’ll be after his balls have grown back and he’s kinda forgotten about things so he thinks maybe you have…

Also – don’t think I think this all makes sense. I mean… it does… but doesn’t make that shit right. He’s still supposed to be your friend.

Problems with all of this:

GB is a little bitch and makes sure we take these things a little personally. She sits around moping and making us think we MUST have done something… I imagine she says something like this: “Shoot. There was that boy that liked us. And now he doesn’t. If only I were prettier he might still like me… or funnier… or I didn’t say or do those things… stupid VB she always fucks this up for us.”

When RB KNOWS it’s not us – it’s them… and VB is still beyond confused (and pissed) because she always thought boys didn’t care about ANYTHING but sex… to which GB says “well! We must be REALLY ugly then!”

WE JUST WANT SOME SEX. For fuck’s sake (literally) can we just not have all this BULLSHIT in the way of that??? PLEASE!! Why are all the things about boys we learned to be true turning out to be FALSE and true about US???? SERIOUSLY??? We don’t care about you being scared/vulnerable/in control – we just want some sex! We won’t make you feel any of those things, and we’ll put up with whatever you throw at us BECAUSE WE DON’T CARE – VB HAS COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER!!

The end. Although… I do wish we knew how to get out of the TZ… Girls night is still on for tomorrow?

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