Women on Top: why is this so scary?
Talked to a friend of mine today about the whole B-S Boy thing… when I told her that I told him I wanted sex, she immediately replied:
“You can’t tell boys things like that. Sure way to scare them off.”
Why is that? I already made the point that a woman who wants a good time/sex and no relationship is not actually what every man wants… apparently it is also… scary?
And, to be clear, this is not just from my experience here. It seems to be a larger problem.
Why is a woman who actively wants sex, and needs little else, so intimidating?
Is it because men are confused and insecure, in this day and age, about their role and self-image?
For decades, women have been demanding equal rights, and a fundamental change in the views about us and our roles in society. We are not the dutiful housewife with a husband in control of all things, from bank account to bedroom. We can and do perform the same jobs as well as men. We want to be equals in work and in life (things we are still fighting for – a discussion for another time, but check out this blog).
We also want to be allowed to enjoy some sex – without the labels (e.g. “slut” comes readily to mind) and without that being a flippin’ problem. We are not submitting to sex with you because we have to, or because we expect something in return. We don’t need anything in return. We just. Want. Some sex. Figure it the fuck out.
Why is that so threatening?
Perhaps the problem is that women are primarily the ones asking for that change – demanding equal rights and equal roles. Making clear that stereotypes do not sit well with us – we will not be defined in this way any more.
Let me show you who I am and what I want. I am in control of my life. I do not need you.
I am woman, hear me roar.
Men, on the other hand, are not exactly in control of these things. They are being, in some sense, dragged along as we regain our proper place at their side. I do not mean to insinuate that men don’t want us to be equal in society, or aren’t helping along the cause…
But, in general, men have not been the ones asking for these changes. Women have. Yet another place where men are not in control… even while they are still being bombarded with the conventional view that men should be in charge…and the sexual aggressor. This is still overwhelmingly idealized in popular culture today.
Add to this the traditional idea that women need men for stability (financial, emotional, or otherwise). We are the weaker sex, we need a man.
However. Perhaps when a woman who is confident in herself, successful in her job, and wants sex… she gives the man little place where he is – traditionally – needed, or in control. I don’t need you in my world – for money or otherwise. In addition – I actually want to have sex with you. You don’t even have control over that – you don’t even have that for leverage. I’ve even taken away that little game.
Does this only feed into insecurity and vulnerability? Am I challenging your masculinity, sweetheart, when you realize I don’t need you to bring anything to the table? Even, really, your cock. Baby, I have a vibrator. I just want some sex.
Is this why a strong, independent, sexually active woman is scary?
What’s a boy to do?
In addition…are men also, somewhere in their subconscious, worried that, if we gain control over our own lives and libidos… we might attempt to treat them as they have treated us? Is there a view here that someone must be in charge, must provide, must pursue?
I’ve heard one of the subconscious reasons some men are so effing afraid of/hateful towards gay men is because, in their minds somewhere, nothing could be worse than being penetrated by a penis.
Because that makes you a woman. And how can you respect that? (*sarcasm*)
If age-old beliefs of how men and women are supposed to act are redefined, are men also threatened because they’re worried about who ends up …. on bottom? Because they somehow, somewhere, believe someone always will?
Furthermore… if I explicitly pursue sex… and enjoy it… isn’t that the traditional male role? If so… does that make you concerned about what role you’re playing?
This reaction is so unfortunate for men and women. As one woman all about being equal and being herself, I am not trying to put men down. I just don’t actually need them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men, that I don’t want them in my life. To me, that distinction between need and want is really important. I don’t really need anyone. I do for self, honey, and I do it well.
However, there are things I want.
What I want is my equal, not someone I am above or better than (and ps I like the top… and the bottom… and on my hands and knees…).
This should not be a bad thing. A woman who is independent, is clear and honest, and can do for herself? How is that a problem?
I wish this wasn’t intimidating. I wish this was as liberating for men as it is for me – don’t you want a partner that is your equal? That you don’t have to look after, that can bring home half the bacon and then screw your brains out – not because you cleaned the garage, but because she loves sex as much (or…maybe… more than) you do? Someone who is successful and happy in her own skin – she doesn’t look to you to do that for her?
Why the fuck is that a problem? Why is that intimidating?
Just because I am happy without you – doesn’t mean I don’t want you, nor does it mean you are unable to make me happy. Or make me cum, for that matter. Just because I can do it myself, thank you very much, does not make you obsolete.
It’s a balance, idiot. Not a contest.
I want a partner who respects and admires my independence, as opposed to being threatened by it. And here’s the other important thing: I also want that partner to be independent and do for him/herself, as well. I don’t need to be taken care of, and I don’t want to have to take care of you either. I want to respect and admire you, as an equal.
And ….I also want you for sex.
This was also on the sexademic blog – stole it because it is awesome. Orginially at xkcd.com.