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Women on Top: why is this so scary?

March 25, 2010


Talked to a friend of mine today about the whole B-S Boy thing… when I told her that I told him I wanted sex, she immediately replied:


You can’t tell boys things like that. Sure way to scare them off.


Why is that? I already made the point that a woman who wants a good time/sex and no relationship is not actually what every man wants… apparently it is also… scary?


And, to be clear, this is not just from my experience here. It seems to be a larger problem.


Why is a woman who actively wants sex, and needs little else, so intimidating?

Is it because men are confused and insecure, in this day and age, about their role and self-image?


For decades, women have been demanding equal rights, and a fundamental change in the views about us and our roles in society. We are not the dutiful housewife with a husband in control of all things, from bank account to bedroom. We can and do perform the same jobs as well as men. We want to be equals in work and in life (things we are still fighting for – a discussion for another time, but check out this blog).


We also want to be allowed to enjoy some sex – without the labels
(e.g. “slut” comes readily to mind) and without that being a flippin’ problem. We are not submitting to sex with you because we have to, or because we expect something in return. We don’t need anything in return. We just. Want. Some sex. Figure it the fuck out.


Why is that so threatening?


Perhaps the problem is that women are primarily the ones asking for that change – demanding equal rights and equal roles. Making clear that stereotypes do not sit well with us – we will not be defined in this way any more.


Let me show you who I am and what I want. I am in control of my life. I do not need you.


I am woman, hear me roar.


Men, on the other hand, are not exactly in control of these things. They are being, in some sense, dragged along as we regain our proper place at their side. I do not mean to insinuate that men don’t want us to be equal in society, or aren’t helping along the cause…


But, in general, men have not been the ones asking for these changes. Women have. Yet another place where men are not in control… even while they are still being bombarded with the conventional view that men should be in charge…and the sexual aggressor. This is still overwhelmingly idealized in popular culture today.


Add to this the traditional idea that women need men for stability (financial, emotional, or otherwise). We are the weaker sex, we need a man.


However. Perhaps when a woman who is confident in herself, successful in her job, and wants sex… she gives the man little place where he is – traditionally – needed, or in control. I don’t need you in my world – for money or otherwise. In addition – I actually want to have sex with you. You don’t even have control over that – you don’t even have that for leverage. I’ve even taken away that little game.


Does this only feed into insecurity and vulnerability? Am I challenging your masculinity, sweetheart, when you realize I don’t need you to bring anything to the table? Even, really, your cock. Baby, I have a vibrator. I just want some sex.


Is this why a strong, independent, sexually active woman is scary?


What’s a boy to do?


In addition…are men also, somewhere in their subconscious, worried that, if we gain control over our own lives and libidos… we might attempt to treat them as they have treated us? Is there a view here that someone must be in charge,  must provide, must pursue?


I’ve heard one of the subconscious reasons some men are so effing afraid of/hateful towards gay men is because, in their minds somewhere, nothing could be worse than being penetrated by a penis.


Because that makes you a woman. And how can you respect that? (*sarcasm*)


If age-old beliefs of how men and women are supposed to act are redefined, are men also threatened because they’re worried about who ends up …. on bottom? Because they somehow, somewhere, believe someone always will?


Furthermore… if I explicitly pursue sex… and enjoy it… isn’t that the traditional male role? If so… does that make you concerned about what role you’re playing?


This reaction is so unfortunate for men and women. As one woman all about being equal and being herself, I am not trying to put men down. I just don’t actually need them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy men, that I don’t want them in my life. To me, that distinction between need and want is really important. I don’t really need anyone. I do for self, honey, and I do it well.


However, there are things I want.

What I want is my equal, not someone I am above or better than (and ps I like the top… and the bottom… and on my hands and knees…).


This should not be a bad thing. A woman who is independent, is clear and honest, and can do for herself? How is that a problem?


I wish this wasn’t intimidating. I wish this was as liberating for men as it is for me – don’t you want a partner that is your equal? That you don’t have to look after, that can bring home half the bacon and then screw your brains out – not because you cleaned the garage, but because she loves sex as much (or…maybe… more than) you do? Someone who is successful and happy in her own skin – she doesn’t look to you to do that for her?


Why the fuck is that a problem? Why is that intimidating?


Just because I am happy without you – doesn’t mean I don’t want you, nor does it mean you are unable to make me happy. Or make me cum, for that matter. Just because I can do it myself, thank you very much, does not make you obsolete.


It’s a balance, idiot. Not a contest.


I want a partner who respects and admires my independence, as opposed to being threatened by it. And here’s the other important thing: I also want that partner to be independent and do for him/herself, as well. I don’t need to be taken care of, and I don’t want to have to take care of you either. I want to respect and admire you, as an equal.


And ….I also want you for sex.


This was also on the sexademic blog – stole it because it is awesome. Orginially at xkcd.com.

...this was also on the sexademic blog - stole it because it is awesome. orginially at xkcd.com.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Woody permalink
    April 15, 2011 8:03 am

    This seems to be a semi consistent thread on your blog…

    I suspect your issue isn’t sex. Sounds like you’re plenty liberated. And, there are plenty of guys in the world who are happy to knock boots casually. So, that’s probably not it either.

    Maybe it’s an issue of presentation.

    As a guy, we learn pretty damn quick that it’s not enough to be good looking, have a good job, and want to please a woman. Nope, we’ve got to be able to show her that we also have a personality, and not push any of her buttons that hint at “creepy / insecure dude”. And, due to the wide range of female insecurities, that can be a hell of a minefield to navigate.

    The logical thought is: We all want the same thing. Why can’t it be simple?

    And along comes the liberated woman (you), intending to do just that, right?

    But, then you find out that it’s not enough to offer sex. You also have to show that you have some personality, and not push any of our buttons that hint at “clingy / crazy chick”. And, guys are every bit as neurotic as girls, because we have our egos to feed.

    There you have it: the modern, liberated woman… who is suddenly dealing with all the same issues as the guys.

    Personally, I’m thinking that really, the only way to get past this thing is through it. Having empathy, being able to see the other’s point of view. Realizing that their concerns are valid, too… And yeah, that’s a little Dr. Phil… Uncomfortably so. Because you have to confront your own shit, instead of projecting it into the world.

    And pointing fingers just hints at a general level of sexual frustration. But, it doesn’t resolve it. Maybe it’s just as simple as not seeing (being willing to see?) the other side of the issue…

    A good friend of mine (a woman) likes to say that seduction is a mutual thing. It works best when both people are trying to seduce each other. You can’t see it as an oppositional thing.

    Anyway, that’s just the thing that leaps out at me. I like your writing, actually, and I find myself agreeing with you most of the time.

    I just find myself wondering if this is just you venting, or if you’ve got a chip on your shoulder that’s sabotaging your love life?

    • August 16, 2011 4:23 pm

      Interesting points, Woody. I would have to say I was venting when I wrote this, I don’t feel for a second I have a chip that’s causing problems. It’s more… general frustration at not just my experiences, but those of my friends, too. In reality, I’m a very open person. If I’m into you, I’m into you. Period. And I’m probably going to want to bang you. It’s only later, after the banging, when nothing else has changed, and the dude bails? That I get irritated. Because I want to keep having sex, damnit. I’ve also had dudes completely ignore the words that are coming out of my mouth (see the motivation for this post: I told him explicitly all I wanted was to have fun and have a lot of sex. That was it. I did not call him except to make plans. He freaked himself out and told me things were “too serious”. WTF.).

      All that said – I agree with you. The only way is through. Know thyself – and assume other people will be honest and open, too. If they’re not, move on. Try again. There are like-minded people out there. And, in reality, those are the only people I want to bang, at the end of the day.

      But. The point still remains that I think there most definitely are men who are intimidated by a sexually aggressive (shall we say) lady. I wasn’t trying to point fingers, more trying to figure out (via long conversation with, well, myself) why this would be so. This is what I came up with. I agree we can’t point fingers, and can we just get on with seducing each other already?

  2. July 20, 2011 12:42 am

    Hey Nikki – Nice post. I think I have an answer to your question. Men, from the time they first found themselves attracted to a female have (generally, with some exceptions), paid for every kiss with heaping portions of rejection. Women don’t usually have this experience because they are usually the ones being asked. If you wish to do the asking you need to recognize that you’re being seen as playing the game with an unfair advantage. You already have the advantage in almost every department and men have worked very hard to be worthy. Then you come along and do a role reversal without the inherent risk. Of course we’re going to find that hard to deal with. Subconsciously, we think you’re cheating. It offends our sense of fair play. Woody made a lot of good points as do you. I just tried to post this next bit to another blog you rt’d about Hermione and Harry Potter. I think it applies equally to this. Tell me if I’m nuts.

    You know, If the main character had been cast as “your” heroine, and young mr Potter as the bumbling assistant, I suspect that she would have been seen the same way a smart, capable, supportive, kind, and creative male lead would be. Phoney. To be successful, Harry must first be an idiot and, in his idiocy, be rescued (repeatedly) by a female assistant who, though born of lesser privilege, is morally and intellectually, superior. She leads by example and shows our bumbling hero how to be a man. Seemingly, she succeeds. That’s pretty much how it happens in the real world. Real men are created by superior women. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand?

    • August 16, 2011 4:35 pm

      Oh man. I hope you didn’t just insinuate women don’t deal with heaps of rejection, too. Just sayin’. I know plenty of women who would BEG to differ there. Or with thinking we have all the advantages. We don’t. Sure, society says men should pursue – and I see your point that we have an advantage of not having to do that. BUT. See the other side: We’re supposed to wait around for you. If we decide that’s lame (and because we completely see how that’s difficult and we all have insecurities and pursuing is still hard, even if you’re supposed to do it) and do it ourselves? Then we come on too strong.

      I mean, I totally see how it looks like we have the advantage if we pull a role reversal. I’d argue, from a lady POV, that we don’t, actually. It appears that way, but Society tells us No. Good girls wait. How else do you know he likes you? In addition to the fact that, newsflash, there are a lot of dudes out there who, subconsciously or not, buy into gender roles. When you step out of them, they panic and bolt. Not exactly advantageous.

      In all honesty, I believe fundamentally it’s about culturally dictated gender roles. We all play into them. We all have significant pressure to hold fast to them. We shouldn’t. Fuck ’em.

      As for your last paragraph – I appreciate the sentiment, but I can’t possibly agree with a blanket statement like that. Plus, I wouldn’t want a man “created” by anyone. I also sure as fuck don’t want to have to create him. I don’t buy into the fact that men can’t find their way on their own, or that “behind every great man is a great woman”. What’s she doing back there, anyway? (I think that was part of Sady’s point in her Harry Potter post). And why can’t boys become men and girls become women of their own accord?

      If you want to take it even a step further, telling anyone that the world works that way (women make great men, or whatev) also reinforces the idea that women CAN and SHOULD accept a douchey, immature dude – because you can *make* him a better man. Nope. Can’t. He needs to figure out how to be not-douchey and mature on his own.

      See, I get what you’re saying, and I know you mean it to be lovely, but… I’d prefer a bit more independence and self-awareness from BOTH genders.

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