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…sex stereotypes: ur doin it wrong.

March 22, 2010

From:
Sent: Sunday, March 21, 2010 4:15 PM
To:
Subject: no sex for you.


Ball-Shaving Boy [recently re-dubbed by a friend of mine – she decided it was a better nickname than Conference Boy – and ps you earn the title of Man in my book, which he clearly has not] calls me yesterday – I am on my way to meet up with friends. I tell him I have to go pretty soon so what’s up? He starts chatting on about god knows what. I almost have to interrupt his random…ness to say “ok – I have to go here, are we doing something tonight?” He pauses and then suddenly blurts out “Ithinkwehadsextooquick!”


Omg. Are you serious? Did I not call you last weekend to ask this exact question?


At the time, of course, I was concerned about his ex-hang-ups and wanted to make sure he was ok with all this. According to him, he was, so I moved on. Although – since he apparently changed his mind on this subject – he did have several other occasions when he could have brought this to my attention.


So, stopped dead in my tracks, I attempt to keep the annoyance from my voice.


“Um. Yeah. I would agree with you. But what happened, happened. Nothing to do about it now – nor am I particularly concerned about it. Is this a problem for you?”

“Uh… well. Uh, no. No. It’s ok.”

“….ok….are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah it’s cool.”

“Ok. Because if this is a problem, that’s fine – just tell me. But, so you know, all I want right now is to have a good time and have a lot of sex. I am not looking for anything serious and I don’t really have time for a relationship.”


Those are literally the words that came out of my mouth. Literally. Unfortunately for my VB, of course you can’t say things like that to Boys. God forbid a woman just wants some sex.

“Ok yeah that sounds good.”


I don’t even really know where the fuck this ridiculous conversation went, really, from there. I think I was just confused and trying to get to the point and off the phone the entire time… maybe he tried to revert to small talk again? Anyway. Eventually I had to remind him yet again that I was going to be late and were we or were we not on for later? Or was he just wasting my time right now?


“Uh… yeah. I don’t know. This just… this is just… it’s too serious for me.”


What.


I say “Ummm… ok I JUST TOLD YOU that all I have time for is to hang out, have fun, and HAVE A LOT OF SEX. That is ALL I want right now. WHAT THE FUCK PART OF THAT IS SERIOUS. What part of ANY of this, what, two whole weeks has been serious???” (I wasn’t really yelling – just using emphAHsis on my syllAHbles.)


Apparently that whole statement? Was not convincing.


He flounders around a bit and finally actually says, with much exasperation, the cause of which I cannot fathom because this should not be an exasperating conversation for anyone but me because… WTF is going on???

“Can’t we just talk about something else??”


Are you serious right now? YOU brought this up you fucking weirdo! I’m only reacting. I mean responding. You’ve now decided we had sex too quick. Fine – I agree. Is this a problem. No, changed my mind again. It’s not. Ok. I don’t want serious. Ok good me neither. Can we hang out as planned and have some sex? Woah. This is way too serious. What the FUCK are you talking about?? Omg! I feel cornered and I don’t know what the F I want! Even though we’ve only known each other two weeks and you’re being very clear about what you want! Can we talk about something else??

Something else? What, pray tell, would you like to discuss? Are we going to be buddies now? Is that it? Honey, I have enough friends. And reasons why I would want that are becoming even fewer and farther between. All I really want is to have some more sex with your cock. If this is too much to ask, no problem. This is already getting obnoxious and making even that not worth it. Please. Stop. Wasting. My. Time.


The conversation somehow finds an end with me saying something like “ok…you call me. I have to go.”


Wtf man.


——————


The above is an e-mail excerpt. This entire situation, however, sums up one of my general problems about sex and men. But first? Let’s get the whole he’s-not-that-into-you stuff out of the way. He CLEARLY was – up until last week. The boy followed me around at a conference and called me immediately when he got back. He never made me wait even a day before he asked me out “for real”.


He clearly freaked himself out at some point – I would bet his reason for doing so is one of two things:

One: He has ex issues. Definitely. Perhaps this felt “too serious” because he isn’t ready to be with anyone. That is totally logical and legit, and unfortunately people often know themselves so little, they don’t really realize things like this.

Two: It was something about me or something I did that is completely and utterly asinine. Something he fixated on, that if he actually told me what it was, I would laugh in his face instead of be offended or hurt.  If it is something that stupid, you are wasting my time.


Move along.


It’s funny – I feel like us women can make a list of things that we’re not thrilled about (for example, a pros and cons list), and/or a list of things that are actually reasons NOT to see someone any more, and then we completely ignore them. A lot of women do this because they (sometimes desperately) want to be in a relationship and can overlook all that shit. I, apparently, overlook it because I just want to get laid by a nice penis.


On the other hand – men can and will hit the road for the most stupid-ass and inane fucking reasons.


But I am heading off on a tangent here. Whatever the reason for his deciding he was-just-not-that-into-me – or, in his words, why something was serious when it clearly wasn’t – is not the point.

I also understand that he might have bolted simply because I had sex with him that quickly. But that actually speaks to the point I am (roundabout-ly) trying to make. WHAT. THE FUCK. IS UP WITH THAT.


MY POINT is not to dissect why he didn’t want to have sex any more (or whatever). I really don’t care – especially given his handling of the whole thing (I do not need your obnoxious and indecisive bullshit up in my world). The point is… we are constantly surrounded, from a very young age, by this model of men: all they want is sex. All the time. “Be careful – all he wants is to have sex with you. Men will do anything for sex.” And we’re surrounded by this image of women: “oh…not tonight honey. I have a headache. I am tired. Tomorrow is a Big Day.”

On TV, in magazines and books, in movies, in conversation – this is what we hear. Men are constantly trying to have sex with women, regardless of consequence, and women are always trying to avoid it.


In fact, this problem is so prevalent, women supposedly use sex to control their men. “Oh honey… would you please clean the garage? I might be talked into a BJ if you do…”


PUH-LEASE.


I am so effing sick of these stereotypes. Of these models of men and women.


In my reality? I am the one who wants sex all the time. Seriously. You think men want sex all the time? No. They don’t. In my reality? I have ONLY heard the headache/tired/stressed-out/Big-Day-tomorrow/didn’t-we-just-have-sex-last-Sunday excuses out of the mouths of men. Literally.


And I am not alone in this. I am not the only woman I know frustrated by this.


When I am with women? Different story. Never a problem. Sex after dinner. Wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night sex. Sex in the afternoon. Sex in the morning. With women, I never once felt the exasperation over lack of sex I that have with men.


Also in my reality? Men don’t just want to have sex. They will not, in fact, have sex no matter what and damn the consequences. They will often walk away from sex with someone they clearly find attractive (at the very least) for no *good* reason. As this whole thing illustrates. I explicitly stated that I do not want something serious, I just want to have a lot of sex.


Is that, or is that not, supposed to be every man’s dream?


SO. WTF. Was I not clear? Did I sta-sta-sta-stutter?


Look – I am not saying all men are this way, and all women are this way. I’m just saying. The images shoved down our throats about men and women and sex are, in my reality, often utter bullshit. To the point where I actually wish the ones about men were true. Because then I would have had some sex Saturday night. And maybe Sunday morning too (of course, I’d have to be talked into it – right.)


Find me a mother fucking man that lives up to the stereotype (that I also find attractive – I have standards). Who just wants to have some sex, and have it as much as I do. Y’all think you do… and then you get a mother fucking this-is-too-serious headache.

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