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The MB.

March 8, 2010

Sent: Monday, March 08, 2010 9:34 AM
Subject: morning bruiser.

Hi there,

My Girl Brain really doesn’t like the MB. She gets very annoyed that he keeps waking her up, pulling this half-ass shit every once in a while. She’s still a GB, despite having mono and being pretty much PTFO all the time, so she’s still somehow hopeful over the littlest effing things.

Of course, Rational Brain knows better. Even though I think RB can’t decide who she is more confused by: the MB or YOU because you are so Out Of His League.

Kidding – of course I understand how you ended here (eight months of pursuing + all that effing touchy-feely bullshit = your Rational Brain is confused enough that Girl Brain + Vagina Brain take over). We all fucking do this. How can you not? Girl Brain, being the 13-year-old-girl-watching-out-the-window-for-John-Cusack-and-his-stereo, eventually gets suckered into it, and Vagina Brain cares more about what’s in his pants than his scrawny nerdy little ass.

What, of course, I still don’t get, is the MB. WTF.

I mean… I guess we do get it. We both know he’s just getting what he needs from this. Which is apparently some weird form of public intimacy… while at work… and acting like your BFF until you apparently… leave… work… or… something. And I hear the whole he’s-just-not-into-you BS but… I still believe that’s a front for the Fear. For his Insecurity (because obviously somewhere in there he’s like … “why does this hot chick dig me??”) As are his other excuses. “oh – we can’t do this because it’s work! It would make everything weird!” but instead let’s just be up your ass all day long and then, in case people don’t already suspect, you can go out and he can be on top of you the entire time. And not in a horny-boy way (… if that even exists or we were just told it did…) but more like a neglected-puppy-dog-slobbering-all-over-you way. WTF. And, as for the weirdness factor? Yeah – hooking-up-with-no-sex-and-then-ignoring-you-randomly-when-you-try-to-“just-be-friends” is not weird. AT ALL.

And clearly boys don’t actually want or need sex. Obvi. So it’s not that.

Whatthefuckever. We’ve been over this.

I guess it’s just… fine. He’s getting what he wants, that’s all he needs. Got it. The problem, of course, is how contradictory this is to everything that is supposed to be true. He’s SUPPOSED to be all up in your shit so he can have sex with you (because we’re told that’s all boys want… and then we grow up and wish it were true). He’s SUPPOSED to be aloof and weird after having some sex with you (if… he… would….actually… HAVE SEX WITH YOU). He’s SUPPOSED to not-really be into you and ignore you until he wants to have sex again (…oh… wait…). Instead? He’s all over your ass at work so your Vagina Brain wants to rip his clothes off in the middle of a staff meeting and Girl Brain is all a-twitter. When you’re out with people he’s climbing in your fucking lap. But…he avoids sex with you at, apparently, all costs. When you ignore him? Makes it worse: he either gets all bitchy or you can’t get away from him. When you try to be “just friends”? THAT’S when he ignores you.

Until Monday morning when he pretends like he didn’t… ignore… you.

We don’t understand it, but I guess we have to accept it. But WTF do you DO.

You can’t ignore him and just BE PROFESSIONAL (despite the fact that that is what he says he wants) and thus, get over this. You can’t just “be friends” because you have no idea when “being friends” is ok and when he is going to have a crazy moment and act like you’re not friends at all. All bets are off.

And you can’t talk to him about this because he is a CHILD. This is the part that is the most frustrating. There can be no dialogue because he will not be honest and probably misconstrue everything you say. Or go running out of the office like the last time you tried.
It’s the fucking Twilight Zone.

PS Apparently I am eating left-over M&Ms for breakfast.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Ineeda Codename permalink
    March 9, 2010 10:30 pm

    No, if he were a CHILD that would be easy. Children say exactly what they feel, and they do what they want. Until society tells them what they can’t say and can’t do. Then you get to the awkward teenage years, when you have to sort out what to say and how to act toward people you want to hook up with – a whole new front of behavior that you haven’t practiced at all up to that point. MB is basically Peter Brady, going through relationship puberty right in front of our very eyes.

  2. March 10, 2010 3:21 pm

    Excellent point. I’d say the MB is about in 5th grade at the moment.


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