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i have a problem with cosmo.

March 5, 2010

From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 2010 11:34 AM
Subject: wtf.


The cable is still out at the gym so I was forced to read a magazine again. As usual, I have my choice of titles that include the words “muscle” and “fitness” or … Cosmo.

Man I dislike that magazine. I’m sorry. I know it’s supposed to be the bible for women or some shit, but …I feel like the articles are about how to get a man, keep a man, or what horrible disgusting thing you did to some girl because she just happened to have sex with a man you put all this work into keeping (ummm… that fail is not her fault). So much bullshit focused on FIND YOURSELF A MAN and HERE’S HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF SOME ONE HE’LL STAY WITH. Oh for fuck’s sake. In addition, all the effing sex moves have been on about a four-month recycle since I was an undergrad.

Am I the only girl here embarrassed to be walking around with it?

Regardless. Given little choice, I thought I could handle it for just an hour but…

There was an article in there on “Why Women Should Go For Morning Sex.” I was like… what? Basically, it starts out with “we know he wants it all the time [first lie] but he’s even more randy [yes this still like that word] in the morning [wait… he’s randy in the morning?]. We know you don’t really feel like it, nor do you feel sexy [lies two and three] but you really should just suck it up and have sex with him because it’s good for you, too!” (ok they may not have said “suck it up” – ha ha – but same diff!…. yes I did just say “same diff.”). And they go on to give you pointers on how to get yourself a little more in the mood so you’ll be ABLE to have sex with him.

Um. What?

I didn’t even get to the part about why it’s “good for me too!” I don’t care what reasons Cosmo has come up with to talk me into having sex (already a statement I don’t understand) – it’s SEX in the MORNING you assholes! I already know it’s good for me BECAUSE IT’S SEX!

Excuse me, but aside from morning breath (which I don’t care about – we’ve been over that), I actually feel pretty sexy in the morning. I mean, you’re waking up with this other person, all nekkid and stuff… in bed… what’s not sexy??

OK. So maybe that’s just me. But then… is Cosmo right? Do other women really care more about what their hair looks like than having some sex? Is that really how low our collective confidence is? And, ok, let’s be frank – maybe he’ll stick around. Maybe he won’t. But do you really want a guy who would’ve left over your next-morning hair? Over running mascara? Bitch, please. If those things matter that much to you? My front door is down the hall and on the left.

Honestly? As for that morning breath/smelly pits/leftover-last-night-sex-(if-you’re-lucky) sweat? Sex is messy and smelly and sometimes downright gross – but c’mon! That’s all part of the fun! Right? Right!

Aside from all that…wtf do you mean…  don’t feel like it? Srsly?? TMI but I even have sex with myself in the morning on a fairly regular basis! I mean… Not only do we have to deal with these fucking stereotypes and lies that we’re fed since grade school about how all boys want is sex and all girls do is avoid it, but we’ve got the top women’s mag selling the same fucking bullshit!

Panties. Are. Twisted.

Anyway. The one thing I did learn from this clearly inflammatory article is the reason boys are (supposedly? relatively?) more “randy” in the AM is because that is when testosterone levels peak – hence now he wants sex. Really? Huh. Maybe I should get my testosterone checked.

Also – the actor who plays Bill on True Blood was one of the guys to win a “Fun Fearless Male” (or whatever) award. Gawd how lame – I was actually disappointed to see him in that. But guess what – naturally, he’s British. How come accents are so flippin hot. Just speak, bitch, and listen to my Vicky Secrets drop.

Plus – WTF is it about effing vampires.

That’s all I got for you today, Starlight.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Ineeda Codename permalink
    March 5, 2010 11:16 pm

    Right, you bloody well wouldn’t have problems with your panties twisting if you weren’t wearing any blooming panties.

    ( … listening for the Vicky’s …. )

  2. February 23, 2012 9:09 pm

    What I have interesting about Cosmo is that it claims to be for modern women, but as you’ve pointed out, it seems to assume that modern women only care about being attractive to men! I only read Vogue, In Style, Allure, etc for that reason. Those magazines understand that women want to be a certain way because…we want to be a certain way! Not for any man, but for ourselves.

    • February 24, 2012 4:44 pm

      Exactly. I *despise* Cosmo. It’s totally gross.


  1. …sex stereotypes: ur doin it wrong. « Women Are From Mars

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