Having It All.
Not surprisingly, some people had some things to say about those articles.
Also not surprisingly, I had things to say, too. About how it was, oh, just sorta-kinda-a-lil-bit mildly annoying to have the phrase “having it all” defined for me, a woman who is not planning on having kids, and perhaps not even getting married. Because, ya know, basically defining what my priorities should be in terms of social norms I don’t ascribe to and goals I don’t aspire to, kinda means I will never “have it all”. Legit.
Yeah, I know I kinda touched on this topic here, but I really want to write a more direct response. But… Wait, what? You say those articles came out how many months ago?? Whaddaya mean the internet already moved on?
And, you’re right, I’ve been kind of MIA. I haven’t been responding to comments like I usually do… I didn’t even post at all last week. You did notice… didn’t you?
Soooo… I’m a little behind. To say the very least.
The thing of it is this: If I could define “having it all” for myself? Here’s a brief overview of what “it all” means to me (in no particular order, really):
- My dissertation: Would get done. This year. I am in crunch time on analysis, and I have my work cut out for me in interpretation and writing that shit up.
- My friends: I’d continue to have the time for them, all of them, that I do now.
- My family: I’d be sorting out my shit with this. I’m in therapy, I’m working on it, but it doesn’t happen on its own, in a vacuum. Like everything else in life, it requires work. And work requires time. I’d have that time to do that work
- Canada: We’ve officially moved from No Expectations to Emotionally Involved. Neither of us likes labels, but we’re into seeing each other more than once a week, and doing more than just having a lot of sex. But we’d still be doing that too, obvi.
- Me: Would get more attention. More alone time. In addition to being on my yoga mat every morning at 6am, and commuting on my bike, I’d actually have nights, and maybe even a weekend day, to myself. Right now, I miss this.
- My greater responsibilities: I sit on the Graduate Student Senate, the Women’s Commission, Graduate Council, and the Commission for Inclusive Excellence. I’m actively engaged in all, as well as our grad student LGBTQ+ organization. I am involved because I like to be. Because I need to be. Because there are things beyond my personal work and my personal life that I care deeply about.
- The future: Collaborations I’ve spent years fostering would be flourishing, I’d be scheduling various visits to present my work, and I’d be actively setting myself up for postdoctoral research. And…
- I’d be able to blog.
Not just posting once a week, but engaged in blogging. See, I started Women Are From Mars simply because dating was weird, people were weird, and I was tired of pretending like women didn’t like sex. I wondered if anyone else felt that way, had similar experiences. So. One day, even though I was fully aware there were 10,000,000 (probably not an exaggeration) other blogs on dating, I thought what the hell, and I just started writing.
Of course people had similar experience. Le duh women like sex. But I would never, ever, have imagined the community I stumbled into, going on 2.5 years ago. I would never, ever have envisioned the support and the love I received. I would never, ever have dreamed how much I would grow, how much I would learn, how much I would think and discuss and consider and contemplate and argue.
To me, blogging has become so much more than writing a post on the regular. It’s become far more than acquiring comments or RTs. It’s the incredible content and the unbelievable people out there – not only writing, but reading and thinking and discussing and considering and contemplating and arguing.
I can’t just write a post once a week. That wouldn’t be enough – and not just because the internet moves fast, and literally leaves behind those that don’t engage social media. Blogging is reading, and commenting, and listening, and thinking, and learning. This is what blogging has become for me – it’s no longer about putting my shit out there and checking readership stats. This is why blogging is important to me.
On the one hand – I can’t imagine cutting myself off from all of that.
On the other… is time. That’s it. Time is finite. And other things don’t just ask to be more important, they are more important. They have to be.
I’m not sure what this means. I’m not sure what I am going to do about this yet… other than just… admit it.
But… If someone had actually asked me, this is what I would say is my “having it all.” And, even though my “it all” isn’t the same as those in the articles that came out earlier this year, I still echo the sentiment: I may want to have my own “it all”…
… I’m just not sure I can.
… I’m just not sure I can.