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Insomnia Club Strikes Again: Get Your Own Box.

October 17, 2011

Ladies and gents! It’s time again for the Insomnia Club! We’re trying something a little different these days: Instead of a specific topic, each month one blogger will choose an image to inspire the rest of the group. This month, the awesome Man Shopper is our visual muse! I’ve saved her pic (best for last!) til the end of my post… Read on…

Why all you ladies be single?? I mean, yer gettin’ on… 31 is right around the month-corner. Shouldn’t you be figurin’ that shit out? Or, hey, start adopting the cats now.

You know, in my bloggity-blog world, there’s a lot of discussion around dating and relationships. Which is fine. There’s also been, as of late, quite a number of great posts regarding why being single is kinda awesome, too. Which, of course, I think is great. Chiggity-check this one from The Naken Redhead for starters.


However. There also exists plenty of discussion about why people are single and how not to be single any more. A whole genre of books on this topic (read: someone is making money here…).  Now. The more I read about this side of things, the more my irritations develop into a legit shitstorm of rant. Really, I’m just trying to find the time to put my tirades into coherent sentences that might be comprehendable to someone other than Simone.

Regardless. This post isn’t about that diatribe. Actually, it’s about one reason I am still solidly single.

To begin, I know enough people who are in a relationship to be In A Relationship. I have also met enough people who gave two shits about the person I am, beyond the fact that I was an attractive warm body. That I had a pulse, and maybe I wanted to be In A Relationship as much as they did.

The Relationship is paramount to these people. Period. Their glass is always going to be at best half empty (and at worse dry-boned empty) unless they have a Significant Other. Who that person actually is? Less important, as long as they keep showing up. C’mon… we all know the type.

Less obvious? Well. You know, we all feel sad sometimes. We all feel inadequate. Lonely. We are all frustrated and unhappy with all kinds of things in our lives. Just life.

However. In my experience, there also exists those people who wrap allllll that shit up into I Would Be Happier If I Had A Relationship.


They think finding The One will cure them of all their ills, their frustrations, their sad-panda (why can I not stop saying sad pandas?) times. The most significant and tragic example of this phenomena? Would be my sister. Who thought maybe if she had a boyfriend, all her issues would magically disappear.

And I’ve had people look at me, la-la-la, in my happy lil world… and, apparently, think I might want to help them with their shit.


I’m sorry. I do not want a project. I do not want someone I have to fix. Apologies – but I don’t buy into that Hollywood crap.


You know – the pop culture bullshit that a) you are not a whole person until you find The One (*ahem*… this lamesauce) and b) a person you have to fix, who has to change to be with you, is not only perfectly acceptable, but will always beget the highest romantic pay-off.


Basically, none of us can possibly be whole, happy people of our own account. We’re somehow conditioned to believe other people will make us suddenly happy, complete, fulfilled, drunk with joy. In addition, we also should be just effing fine with someone who’s at best sad pandas (there it is again) and a worse a flippin’ mess. For some unfathomable reason we have this ridiculous softspot for people who need to be taken care of (duuuude… both men and women have that problem – I call it the Wounded Dove Syndrome). Because we can make them alllllll better and they will change for us.


Excuse me. I, for one, don’t understand any of that shiz-nit.

Look. Just because I have a Happy, doesn’t mean it will solve your shit. Just because your glass seems all empty, won’t mean I can or even want to fill it up for you. Further, being all emo doesn’t actually make me want to help you out.


Last I checked, admittance into my world meant you had to bring some awesome to add, not use up my happy wine to fix ya’self.

I don’t want a project. I don’t rely on anyone else to complete me. Here’s a fucking newsflash, people: Relationships should add to your life. Add to your happiness and your joy, not be necessary for it’s creation. We should want to be with people who are whole and awesome and happy in their own right, not because we exist. I’m sorry, I’m just not into that kind of narcissism, nor do I need the needy that comes along with it.

Bitch, get your own box of wine. I am not that girl. I prefer my special friends to BYOB. Otherwise, you’re just here to kill my buzz.

nataliedee.com

The Insomnia Club image for this month from Man Shopper! ~ http://www.nataliedee.com

See how this image inspired the other Insomniacs!


Condoms: Who Likes ‘Em Anyway? ~ Skye Blue of Met Another Frog

Ms. Man-Shopper In Boozetown ~ Manshopping in Paris D.C.

<brWe also had an additional topic this month…

Banana Pancakes & Pretend It’s The Weekend ~ Charlotte at My Pixie Blog

PS Yes I realize the title of this post is funny. Duh.

33 Comments leave one →
  1. October 17, 2011 11:21 am

    There’s nothing else I can say except, “Amen.” I’ve posted about it before, but being 30 and single, I’ve heard the same exact things before (although less now, seeing as everyone has given up on me, much to my delight.)

    I didn’t grow up with a healthy relationship model, but I’ve used that as what “not” to do myself as an adult. Being single is my choice, as I am completely independent and not looking for anyone else to complete some ridiculous fantasy society has conjured up for me. If someone comes along that can add to that, I am more than open to the possibility. I love connections with confident people that can make me think, laugh and be a better me.

    But there is nothing more pathetic and annoying than people complaining about their relationships, as I think 99 percent of them are in it for convenience. I don’t need convenience, as I value my time and have crap I would like to do with it that doesn’t include catering to crap. If you’re unhappy, then get out. It’s that simple. And leave the damn box of wine…

    • October 17, 2011 8:07 pm

      Yes, yes, and some more yes.

      I’m open to the possibility of someone awesome, but have dealt with enough shit, and have seen enough shit, and have seen enough *meh* who-really-cares shit to not want any of it. My time is valuable. Be worth it.

      I will, however, share the box of wine with a Bad Ass Girl Club Member.

  2. October 17, 2011 11:35 am

    No more fixing. NO MORE FIXING!!!!

    Never again. Either we’re equal in our “issues” department or nothing. I just.cannot. go through that shiz again. It’s like walking up a mountain with a backpack of bricks.

    • October 17, 2011 8:29 pm

      Ohhhh tell me about it. Why do you think it is we fall for that? Why it’s something we are attracted to? Cuz you aren’t the only one, that is for damn sure. Happens all the time. Hey, guys say they don’t want drama? Then why do they stay with the most dramatic girl out there? Same thing, I tell you.

      Yes – we should want our equals. No less. We deserve no less. If someone has a problem with that, they can go deal with their shit and come back when they’ve fixed themselves. Hell, I’ve sewn my own heart up. It’s possible.

  3. October 17, 2011 12:06 pm

    Your post couldn’t have come at a better time. Why does everyone assume that being in a relationship will solve the issues going on in your/their lives ?? A relationship isn’t about convenience or conforming to societal norms .. its about enjoying the company of a like minded individual that you can learn from and someone who can enhance what you already have going on for you

    I am of the thought that when a person is ready i.e can deal with their own highs & lows; their own f*ck ups; and still hold their arms open to embrace someone who can and wants to be a part of the adventure – then damn well go out and do it.

    I’ve been single (to an extent deliberately) for a few years now ‘cos I was coming to terms with a few of my own demons; and now that I’m done & dusted with all of that – I know that I am willing to be in a relationship. Not because ‘I have to’ to feel ‘normal’ but because I ‘want to’ .. and that want doesn’t mean that I grab hold of every guy that walks past me and say ‘oh be with me’ .. it just means that I’m ready to share a part of my life with someone else.

    • October 18, 2011 9:17 am

      “its about enjoying the company of a like minded individual that you can learn from and someone who can enhance what you already have going on for you ” <— Yup.

      You make another good point – that only when you can handle your own shit should you be looking for a partner. We should take being in a relationship more seriously, in terms of what that commitment means.

  4. October 17, 2011 12:06 pm

    This. Exactly.
    “Relationships should add to your life.”

    I am prone to forgetting this simple truth. Especially if I was in one that DID add to my life and now is a big emotional sinkhole. I liken it to throwing more money into a bad investment. You hope things will turn around, but know that losses should be cut.

    • October 18, 2011 9:20 am

      Well, that’s the balance, isn’t it? Yes relationships should enhance, not drain – but we all go through tough times. We have to know when to support one another, too. Of course, that still comes back to finding someone who can handle their shit and *won’t* completely drain you – that can do a lot of work to make it through, not just assume you’ll fix something, or that your relationship will be better.

      You should be able to see the effort mean something, not keeping throwing it away. And, yeah, sometimes losses need to be cut.

  5. October 17, 2011 3:46 pm

    It is all about that IF you enter into a relationship then it should be about a positive contribution to your life… a complement…not looking for someone to complete you. The completeness is your own god damned job to sort out. As hard as it might be. No-one ever said it was easy.

    Being on my own makes me realize more and more that I rather am on my own than deal with someones drama, especially when it does nothing to add to my life or our relationship. It is just draining. If I meet someone where I feel that this is a person I can be happy with (note “with” not “because off”) then that is great. If I do not meet someone I can be happy with then I refuse to enter into a relationship for the sake of it. All that does is that it wastes years of your life, wastes energy, causes heartbreak and tears and for what? So that you can say, I was with someone (and I was not even happy)?

    It is funny the things you learn after a break-up. Oh and I do have two cats….
    Not sure if I shared this one before but it made me stop up and think:

    “The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love.

    It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not.

    It is an existential truth:

    only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love,

    of sharing, of going into the deepest core of the other person –

    without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other,

    without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other.

    They allow the other absolute freedom,

    because they know that if the other leaves,

    they will be as happy as they are now.

    Their happiness cannot be taken by the other,

    because it is not given by the other.”

    -Osho

    So I do not need any book telling me to settle or find “Mr Hollywood” to be happy. Sod Hollywood romance. If it was a reality then we would all be happily ever after. Being in a relationship for the sake of convenience or routine… yes it is scarily easy to do but it never ever makes you happy. You will always, always wish for something more or different and spend endless energy trying to achieve something that just will not happen, making yourself and possibly your partner miserable. Been there, done that and never again.

    • October 18, 2011 9:32 am

      Exactly. And I LOVE that quote from Osho! It’s pretty much RIGHT ON.

      I know your recent breakup was difficult, but I know how much you’ve learned and grown as a result too. I wish more people would do that after a significant ending, instead of just jumping into the next relationship as a balm against the heartbreak, or so they don’t feel lonely, or because they’re afraid of being single.

  6. October 17, 2011 7:50 pm

    What Ivy said, Yikes!!! =)

  7. October 17, 2011 9:05 pm

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! The ‘insert warm body here’ take on relationship is so whack. Furthermore, ain’t nobody going to make you happy if you aren’t already there yourself.

    And about that ‘sad panda’ thing. Don’t feel too bad. For some reason I recently reverted to my 16 year old self and started saying ‘Awesome Sauce’ – A LOT. I’m sure you’ll agree that sad panda pales in comparison to that…

    • October 18, 2011 9:33 am

      … except that I can’t stop saying awesomesauce either. And I make it one word. Yikes. What have I reverted into???

  8. October 18, 2011 1:32 am

    This just made my day. Although I am younger and a male I completely understand what your are getting at. “Admittance into my world meant you had to bring some awesome to add, not use up my happy wine to fix ya’self.” That is perfect. I don’t want to fix anyone and want them to share something awesome with me and I will with them. Hollywood has such an influence on how we all perceive love and happiness…especially when it comes to finding a relationship.

    For me it’s, “trick get your own bottle of gin”.

    Cheers for sharing!

    • October 18, 2011 9:51 am

      Hey thanks! I hope we can all appreciate these things, no matter age or gender – the idea of making ourselves happy and desiring a partner that can do the same, and adds your life.

      I don’t think it’s just Hollywood… have you ever really listened to the pop songs out? Most, actually? The message in the lyrics about relationships and how we need them/feel about them/act in them? Crazy Town. All dressed up in song.

      Ooo I like gin, too.

  9. October 18, 2011 9:25 am

    “I don’t rely on anyone else to complete me. Here’s a fucking newsflash, people: Relationships should add to your life. Add to your happiness and your joy, not be necessary for it’s creation.” <So much amen to this, girl. It really annoys me that we have this notion that in order to find true happiness we need to meet someone to complete us. What's wrong with the happy I possess all by my lonesome? Look, I've been in long-term relationships and I have watched that happy slowly melt away and to imply that THAT happy is better than my single happy is a load of you-know-what if you ask me. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this post and am raising my glass (or coffee, it is only 9:30am) to you.

    Also, I haven't heard sad panda yet, but may start to using it.

    • October 18, 2011 9:54 am

      It really is the quote Ivy posted above: That we should be able to make our own happy, instead of having it contingent on someone else. This *doesn’t* mean another person can’t make us happy, it’s just important to be able to do that on your own, too. Plus, happiness isn’t a this OR that thing… it’s a this AND that thing.

      PS Sad panda apparently comes from South Park. And yet. I thought it was hi-lay when I first heard it… but now I can’t stop… consider yourself warned!

  10. October 18, 2011 11:05 am

    Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!! A thousand times yes!

    Wow, in my younger days I lived under the fallacy of love being a nonstop joyfest and life being incomplete without it. I can tolerate it even less though when someone else is fixating on ME with that idea.

    Creating my own happiness is an important lifestyle philosophy for me these days –one that I developed after a few failed relationships, a major illness, a move, and my 30th birthday. It’s a better way to live and, coincidentally, a powerful way to attract a mate. I love the image and the concept of relationship BYOB. It’s so true. I have wine to offer, more than ever, but I can’t be the only supplier in the relationship. Both parties have to get their feet dirty and squash some grapes :-)

    The challenge I have these days is accepting that extra uptick in happiness, support, and “security” when a relationship does come along. I fear that accepting MORE will make it hard to go back… BUT, that’s a story for another post!

    P.S. I hate and have always hated with a PURPLE PASSION that scene in Jerry Maguire. And not just the scene, the whole damn storyline. The chick is SO pathetic. And not once did I buy that Tom Cruise loved her. Only that he settled. Got scared, got older, and felt like, “this is good enough.” Awful.

    • October 20, 2011 8:58 am

      “Both parties have to get their feet dirty and squash some grapes.” Yes! Love it! We all bring our own goodies to the table, we don’t expect others to do all that, nor do we expect someone else to do all the work, or that it won’t be work sometimes… which is yet another reason to want a partner who can handle shit!

      As for the “extra uptick”… in all honesty? I had a commenter a while back say that being single has all these good things, being in a relationship has these. Regardless of which defines you at a certain time, you can’t have everything – there is always sacrifice. I don’t see it as a relationship *only* adding – as it will take some things away, too. Like my complete and utter independence. My ridiculous routine (I don’t think I’ll find a partner that wants to get up every morning at 5am, and be in bed by 9). My luxurious alone time. But, yeah, again, I better get some good in return for giving that up. You make choices in your life, and you should be happy with them – but, in my eyes, singledom is not a holding place (or whatev) until a relationship makes things better. Ya know?

      PS “Jerry Maguire” was ridic. Bleck. But then, how many rom coms are that much different? Even if less obvious?

  11. October 19, 2011 9:55 pm

    I think it’s perfectly fine to want a relationship. I don’t think it’s fine to think a relationship will solve all your problems. It won’t. Love the illustration!

    • October 20, 2011 8:59 am

      Funny shit, huh? :D

  12. Movedup permalink
    October 20, 2011 11:59 am

    Right on Nikki! Didn’t find a healthy relationship with someone else until I finally had one with me! Florence Nightengale has been buried in the back yard next to Darling Doormat, WonderWife and SuperMom along with the Rose Tinted Glasses. May they rest in peace…

    • October 21, 2011 10:22 am

      Ha! But that is exactly right – you need a HEALTHY relationship with yourself first! I think it really is key… and it’s not about being this perfect cookie-cutter persona that doesn’t fit!

      It can include your inner burlesque dancer! :D

      Hope things are well with you – haven’t heard much from you lately, sistah! XOXO!

      • Movedup permalink
        October 21, 2011 11:39 am

        Things are very well! I have been a busy girl! I have been doing Zumba toning – which is AWESOME! Love the difference it makes in how I move. Really improves my dancing and hubby and I are taking Tango lessons – sexy fun! My inner burlesque dancer is coming out! Getting toned so I can be ready for a photoshoot with After Midnight – she does some excellent nudes and pin up shots. I can hardly wait to do it. I have much more confidence in my body now and her pix are top notch and very tasteful. I love her work! All I can say to anybody out there that needs to get comfy with themselves is to do what ever it is that makes you feel good inside and out. I love singing and dancing with my “girls” – we have a blast – love my dirty little freaks!!! AND of course thank you for all your help in getting me to open up and experience a world I have come to love…

      • October 23, 2011 11:40 am

        So happy to hear it! Sounds like you’ve got some fun fun stuff coming up… and have been living it up and loving it! Fabulous! :D

        That photoshoot sounds extra fun! Wahoo!

  13. October 21, 2011 5:04 pm

    Totally with you on not wanting a project. I once dated a guy younger than me and a little inexperienced in the dating world. At first, I was like, “This is awesome! I can train him to do whatever I want.” Turns out that’s way too hard.

    • October 23, 2011 11:42 am

      Oh that’s another thing we romanticize: training the inexperienced. Yeah. Not as much fun as it sounds. Plus, you often end up with someone on a completely different page than you are, they just don’t know themselves well enough yet to know that. For instance, they either think they want a relationship, too – to learn about that – but really, they need to date around. OR they are all inexperienced in… other aspects, and you want to help bring them up to speed in the sack, yet you don’t want the emotion, and they’re too early on in the process to separate love from orgasm.

      That sounds funny. But it’s true.

  14. Leah permalink
    October 22, 2011 7:55 pm

    I agree with you and since I’ve seen first hand that nothing is sacred and can be counted on – all you have at the end is yourself.

    • October 23, 2011 11:44 am

      Exactly.

      And the thing is? This shouldn’t be such a goddamn downer statement. It’s just reality. It’s not depressing. I mean, when people change, sometimes it sucks balls, but that doesn’t mean you should keep them from changing… you should just be prepared. And that’s just living life well, living life with eyes open… it’s not necessarily cynical.

Trackbacks

  1. Ms. Man-shopper in Boozetown | Man-shopping in Paris
  2. Twitted by confrontinglove
  3. Sharing is Caring – The Insomnia Club Strikes Again | Dating & Relationships in NYC
  4. Insomnia Club: Banana Pancakes and Pretend Like it’s the Weekend

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