Why I’m Glad I’m Not in a Relationship: Part Two.
Why yes, there is a Part One – read it here.
From: G. L.
Date: Tue, Sept 27, 2010 at 7:26 PM
Subject: I have no words. Except all the ones that follow:
To: Amy F.
Would you believe I got shit today for reading [Nikki]‘s blog??? That’s right – apparently [The Wife] is not jealous or concerned about you anymore … but is worried about [Nikki]?!?!??? You remember the fight we had where she thought something must be going on between [Nikki] and me because why else would she ask me to give her advice on her blog. That was the now classic night where she said, “you’re probably going to be giving [Amy] bullet points tomorrow about this [fight],” … and I laughed? Anyway, we’ve been getting along fine lately, so this is so out of the blue I felt like I’d taken the non-stop express to crazy town.
[Nikki]!?!?!? I cannot convince [The Wife] of how very little contact I have with this person. But all she knows is that I, quite innocently, described [Nikki] as a hyper-sexual person (I think she’d take that as a complement, right?) So she lights up Melissa’s radar like a fleet of Klingon warships (I don’t ever watch Star Trek … they just sounded more radar-lighting than … well I couldn’t think of anything else.) (And, while I’m parenthetic, shouldn’t there be a jealousy equivalent of gaydar? When someone thinks a person is enticing their significant other into infidelity? How about straydar? Awesome.) So [The Wife]‘s straydar is going off FOR NO REASON!!! And she says, “I’ve just had this gut feeling since the Christmas party.” Okay, my bad with______, but … seriously? I’ve been not just a boring saint the last few months, but a DISABLED [with a broken back] boring saint. WTF am I going to be doing with anyone at this point?????
So, I thought I’d tell you all this because I knew [Nikki] would appreciate that her powers can and do set off straydars across the land. And you are my primary conduit of conversational information to [Nikki] because I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH HER. I am in the innocent person’s conundrum of not being able to prove a negative.
My whole point of writing this is: please, please, enjoy your freedom from the bonds of expectation and committment. Enjoy that MB has been just a bit too weird to immediately take advantage of the opportunity that is sitting on his face. If at some point he decides to discuss your relationship, you know what to say.
“Shhh. Baby, don’t talk.”