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Oh, Facebook: A T-Bone Update. Or, the dude I would’ve banged sometimes.

July 7, 2011

Alright. So it’s no longer Pride-y Pride month so enough with the gays! (kidding gays!) Today, I bring you a long awaited and much anticipated (says Ibut aren’t those the same things? says you. Hush up and listen! says I) update on, guess who, T-Bone!

I don’t know if you remember, but back before all that Terrible Horrible Shit happened, I kinda met this dude. And I use “kinda met” loosely… although we did meet… but that’s about as far as it got.OK, quick refresher (wow and it sounds SO much more interesting when you put it simply):


I thought he was attractive.

I e-mailed him. He responded with the most blunt-but-so-not response ever. I e-slapped replied with an actually-this-is-what-blunt-means reply.

And then he actually was blunt about his situation.

And that was that. I didn’t see him much, and then shit hit the fan on my end, so… yep. He wasn’t really in my thought processes for about three weeks (for good reason).

Until. I started to get back on Facebook (I needed the distraction and to start stalking my friends since I hadn’t seen them in three weeks). And. One day, this was T-Bone’s status (oh, social networking…):



Please note that the blank at the end of the parentheses starting with “2.1 miles through…” is a city near me. A very. large. urban. area (Miss Determined knows which one I speak of and can attest to its large urban-ness). Not quite NYC, but. Close enough.

And later…



Um. Can I just pause here to mention that “stinking” and “sweating“? No. Not always the same thing.

I’ll let you all digest that for a moment. Not even gonna say anything (… except maybe this… “not near my sheets! I just washed those! Ahhhh!”)

Now let’s fast forward to the end of May. And I’ll just present you with the following e-mail.


_______________________________________


To: Amy F.
From: Me.
Subject: Twilight.
Sent: Wed, May 25, 2011 at 5:00 PM

Know how [T-Bone] posted on FB about walking barefoot in [that big city where he works]? Yeah. Well. He just posted this jem AS HIS FUCKING STATUS:


“a few weeks ago i did an experiment to see if “skin tags” could be removed at home on the cheap ($3 compressed air and a q-tip instead of $18 wart freezer from CVS or a trip to the dermatologist). 6 out of 6 test sites were successful after 14 days, no scars.”

The fact that he’s attempting to remove *skin tags* “on the cheap” isn’t helpful. I take that to mean he either has a shit-ton of (ok only 6 – that he’s addressed so far) “skin tags”… or knows a bunch of people who do? And is removing them for these people?


Really? This is what he decides to post to everyone? Are you serious? Good to know the Twilight Zone is in full effect (e.g. the only remotely attractive man in my general world at present walks the streets of _____ barefoot while picking at his skin tags. Or offering to remove them from other people). Even if I can’t possibly focus on it, it’s still there. In case you were wondering.

And no, I don’t care what “skin tags” actually are. They sound gross.

PS *Still* can’t find the shift key? Really?


_______________________________________

Look. Amy explained to me what “skin tags” are. I understand that they’re not all THAT gross, if you take care of them, and that people get them – some more than others – and can’t really help it. Ok. No biggie. Bodies are weird. It’s cool with me.


But. As your facebook status? As a 30 year old grown-ass man??

I think another e-mail (one I sent shortly after the barefoot thing, as I couldn’t hold it in and had to say it to someone) sums up how I feel about all this:


_______________________________________


To: Vicky
From: Me.
Subject: left field.
Sent: Sunday, April 30, 2011 at 11:28 AM

Hey lady,


OK. I know this something that should not even BE on my radar right now, but since I’m a lil back on FB, I can’t help but notice and had to say this to someone who understands…


Dear [T-Bone],


You are a perfect example of why sometimes it is better to just bang as opposed to getting to know someone and “be friends”. [Not that I am thinking such things now but] several months ago, I really wanted to bang you, because you were rather attractive. I didn’t need to know much more about you, I really didn’t need “conversation,” and if I never learned another thing, I’d still want to bang you, in several months when [maybe] we’d both gotten over our shit.


But, see, sometimes conversation and learning things about people is just not helpful to the banging. Of course, when you have social networking, you don’t need conversation to learn things about people you didn’t want to know. I no longer have much desire to bang a weirdo who walks around barefoot, despite the fact that he’s not homeless or crazy (*ahem*) and can afford shoes, and thinks libertarianism is an acceptable form of politics and Ron Paul is an acceptable presidential candidate. I could have *eye roll*-ed over the rather ample evidence that, in different circumstance, you might still be living in your parent’s basement playing video games and making Star Wars references only your buddies would get, but…. the barefoot thing? Really? In public? And, Ron Paul? Really? Did you miss the part where that mofo be crazy?


I suppose, given both of our circumstances, I should thank FB for this information I never asked for, and this little reminder why sometimes, it’s better not “friends with benefits” but really rather “that dude I bang sometimes.”

All the best,

[Nikki]

_______________________________________

Please note that I did not actually send that e-mail to T-Bone. Just Vicky. To get it out of my system.

Look. The bottom line in all this is simple: there is such a thing as too much information. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

See, I just need to find you physically attractive for me to want to bang you (and hey, that’s a two-way street so don’t mind if that’s the only reason you want to bang me – why is that a problem?). I personally don’t care if we have not a thing in common. The conversations in the sack certainly won’t be on politics or things you do that are weird, and I don’t actually need to converse otherwise. Shhh… Baby. Don’t talk.

However. When the information starts coming in… and it becomes more and more obvious how very… incompatible we are… a very sad thing happens. I start to find you unattractive. And then I don’t want to bang you so much any more.

Oh the tragedy!

I mean, maybe I could get past all that stuff with T-Bone… except for the barefoot thing. Hey, mahalo for removing your slippahs in my house… oh wait… let me find a bucket and a scrub brush… and stay away from my bed with those!

Plus - It would appear that he is dating someone new since the writing of the above e-mails. Now, I know this is going to sound catty, but you have to believe me when I say I don’t mean it that way, but… if that’s the girl he’s into? Then clearly I am not his type. Just sayin’.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. Fantasminha permalink
    July 7, 2011 10:27 am

    Ron Paul? Icky. Good thing you found that out. Even Durex would not have saved you from that kind of “exposure”! You’d never be able to wash it off. Trust me :)

    • July 7, 2011 12:51 pm

      Tell me about it. I mean, I get the allure of libertarianism and Ron Paul, but I just feel like people who think that shit actually works are just… not really thinking.

      And, no, as with having to watch too much Fox News, you can never wash that shit out or get that time back.

      As for the feet? Yeach. There’s a reason we wear shoes sometimes. Walking in cities? Would be one of them.

  2. Esme permalink
    July 7, 2011 12:39 pm

    He just keeps making himself look more and more like a keeper! Barefoot in the city? PASS. At least you don’t have to disinfect your place since he didn’t come over…can you imagine??

    And I miss those ‘guys I banged sometimes’. No drama :)

    • July 7, 2011 12:54 pm

      I know! The more information I get, the better! No, really! Only just in the other direction – away from the banging. Which is not the direction I wanted to go in, but a direction nonetheless.

      Just thinking about those feet near my bed makes my skin crawl. Sure, there are other places to bang, but sometimes, you want the bed.

      Oh the Guys I Bang Sometimes are always great for low drama. Oh… wait. Maybe not so much in your case…

      • July 7, 2011 2:05 pm

        I know, what the hell is up with the men in my case?

      • July 7, 2011 3:02 pm

        Sorry, love. No clue. But….. could be a good thing, right? Time will tell…

  3. July 7, 2011 1:35 pm

    Ew, what a bad visual. Total TMI. And I have no idea what city you are referring to.
    ;-P

  4. July 7, 2011 2:55 pm

    Hahaha OK… the beauty of FB… abundant information. I actually saw a documentary about these guys that were running and walking barefoot in…NY I think it was… and they were all going on about how great it was and how we all should go back to doing this.

    Anyhow, sounds like T-Bone is one for the “guy-I wanted-to-shag-but-learned-he-is-an-oddball-so-I-decided-to-save-myself-the-trouble” pile. As you said, there is such a thing as too much information.

    And who wants to know what he does with his feet anyway??

    • July 7, 2011 3:05 pm

      The thing is this. The world is dirty. Sorry. It just is. If you want to be all crunchy, fine. Go for it. But not in big cities… mmmmkay?

      Plus, I have this aversion to people who are just weird to be weird. I have no idea where it comes from, but, I’m sorry. It doesn’t make you unique or special. It just makes you fucking weird. I mean, if you want to say something about how shoes are bad for us, or whatever, then go barefoot when it’s safe to do so, and buy some of those five-fingers shoe-things. But. That would be doing things that *other people* are already doing. And then you wouldn’t be unique any more, now would you.

      Plus. There is the Ron Paul thing. IMHO – ick. Really, it’s just TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

  5. Movedup permalink
    July 7, 2011 7:40 pm

    How would it be if…. you actually banged this turd and then… found out about his foot issue – would you then burn your sheets? Have to disagree with you on this one Nikki gotta know a little about them – like what size paper bag do you need to go over their head and well duct tape is pretty easy – one size does pretty much fits all – the wide kind anyway. Whether or not they respect the 2:00 a.m. rule – I live here you don’t go home. Also a good idea to assess whether its an evening or a weekend – as always exit strategy a must. LOL

    • July 8, 2011 8:30 am

      Apparently you do need to learn something, or you can end up in a *sticky* situation with a dude who won’t leave, has gross feet, and won’t stop talking about Ron Paul! Yikes! :D

      Lesson learned!

  6. July 8, 2011 1:29 am

    oh gosh i’m the exact same way. it’s like a guy’s totally cool and chill and risky and adventurous, then you start hanging out more and all the sudden he starts revealing his insecurities and what not. UGH, ruins everything and i totally lose interest.

    this is, of course, when i’m just referring to random people, not ones i’m trying to have a relationship with.

    but, i almost married a guy who had a lot of skin tags.

    key word: almost

    • July 8, 2011 8:32 am

      Insecurities… barefoot problem… removing his skin tags in front of you with a q-tip… yep. All pretty much downers! But in all seriousness, I agree that the TMI issue can be more than skin-[tag]-deep. Someone can be totally attractive, and then you start to realize what they’re really like, and everything comes to a screeching halt.

      It’s a real bummer.

      And, PS, if you *had* married that guy… I could’ve put him in touch with T-Bone. Coulda helped y’all out with that issue. On the cheap.

  7. July 9, 2011 7:17 pm

    dirty feet make me puke in my nose……#ew

    • July 10, 2011 9:14 pm

      Just another reason T-Bone and I are not all that compatible. I would never want you to puke in your nose. It hurts.

      (PS Meeeee too).

  8. July 11, 2011 1:42 pm

    LOL “who says that”? AND makes it public!!!! Gross, gross, gross. I wonder if anyone commented?

    • July 11, 2011 7:36 pm

      People did. A friend of mine pretty much said what we’re saying here. And then three people liked it. Or something like that. It was awhile ago…

      But. Yeah.

  9. July 21, 2011 12:50 pm

    But……You are so gonna like my feet. The rest of me maybe not so much but, my feet? with them you will surly fall in lust. Too bad about Ron Paul.
    grins for ya

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  1. Can’t we bang already?: Balancing social narratives & individual choice. « Women Are From Mars

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